timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ inej, as it were, does not order the coffee but makes a mental note to herself to do so before she leaves. instead, she orders waffles, and resists the urge to eat them on the way back to the slat, though the smell is tempting.

the meal is ate mostly in silence, as they drop off Inej’s things in Kaz’s office and make their way to the roof. it’s enjoyable, and quiet, and gives inej the chance to really allow the fact that she is back to sink in. on the roof of the slat with Kaz, listening to him explain the next plan, the next score, and offering suggestions when needed. but eventually, the waffles were eaten, and it was time for inej to visit jesper and wylan.

she gives Kaz his gloves before she leaves, with a small smile, before she moves along the rooftops. essentially drops down to the next level, and moves. making it to their house takes some time, but upon knocking on the door, and being greeted by a (very loud) jesper, who practically yells to the entirety of the city “INEJ!” and she is swept inside into a tight hug and roughly two hours of chattering with jesper and wylan.

they look good. and jesper enjoys the gun. (wylan does not.)

eventually, though, she makes her way back to the slat... and this time, inej slips through the front, to be immediately accosted by at least four dregs who demand her attention. and she’s happy to give it, saying hello to old friends, and stopping by anika to say hello properly before she’s sucked into another conversation about her travels.

by the time she finally detaches herself from the chaos, she is spent — particularly in terms of conversation. So she disappears, and eventually makes her way up to the third floor, brushing back her hood as she opens the door slightly, to see if Kaz is up here. ]

Kaz?

[ quietly, as she slips into the room, closing the door behind her. ]

I’m here.

[ He doesn't get the coffee either, though he's sorely tempted– the amount of work sitting on his desk would be easier to get through with the concentration afforded to him by caffeine. But, he isn't sure how long Inej will spend at Jesper and Wylan's and he's fairly sure she'll be annoyed if he remains holed up in his office when she gets back.

So he leaves it be, telling himself it's fine to let some of the paperwork sit. Dragging away from it is difficult, solely because he's a completionist. And perhaps a workaholic, as Jesper likes to remind him. The Barrel won't go up in flames if he spends time with Inej instead or only gets a small amount done in between her visits. If Anika were any bossier, she'd probably bar him from the office altogether for the rest of the month.

It's all passing thoughts before they're together on the roof, a longtime tradition that immediately puts him at ease. Ketterdam is a knife glittering in the dark from up here, the flicker of gas lamps almost like twinkling stars. As Inej leaves, he takes the gloves from her and they go straight into his coat pocket. He intends to keep them there as long as possible while she's here (and perhaps, afterwards as well; this has been a crutch for too long).

After she's gone, he coordinates getting her sleeping space worked out first and foremost and then ends up bombarded by questions from various Dregs. Some about the Wraith having returned, the rest about business and the excited chatter of news about the Black Tips' recent transfer of leadership. Eventually, he's able to wend his way back to his room to complete the club's numbers in relative silence. He's distracted throughout, strangely anxious about the conversation he's going to have to have when Inej gets back. ]

Waylaid by Anika and her crew, I'm sure. [ There's no jealousy, just a faint amusement. After all, she had come in the front, it was inevitable the rest of the Dregs would corner her for stories. ]

How was it?

Word spreads quickly.

[ it's said a bit dryly, resting her back against the door of the room. crossing the city had allowed her the opportunity to eavesdrop . . . on members of rival gangs who spoke too loudly, whispering that the wraith of ketterdam had returned. somehow, jesper and wylan were surprised when she turned up, but then again, perhaps it wasn't so much of a surprise... neither of them were the type to constantly have their ear to the ground.

but talking with the dregs had been enjoyable. even if they had been reluctant to let her slip into the shadows to escape. ]

I think nearly every gang west of this place knows I'm here... [ but she doesn't look too bothered by that fact; instead, inej pushes herself up off the door to stray closer to his desk, curious as to what he's working on. ] Did you finish what you intended to accomplish?

This city's full of gossips, that's why.

[ No, he's not necessarily excluding himself, even if he's more of a hoarder of information than one to go talking about it just to have a topic to chat about. He's sure by now at least half the city knows she's back and by tomorrow night, it'll likely be the entire place. Some of the newer merchers may not know what it means, but they'll be informed sooner or later. ]

Your reputation hasn't waned any in your absence, if you were wondering. [ In some ways, it's gotten bigger and scarier. The Wraith of Ketterdam now patrolling the oceans. The one who escaped. Who left a trail behind her no one had dared to touch. Kaz hasn't done anything to stop the talk. The less people who bother her when she comes back into town, the better. ]

Somewhat. There was an upset in the Black Tips that the entire downstairs had to tell me about. [ He says it a bit ruefully– it was good they were all sharing the information but trying to get a story straight was nearly hopeless in the excitement. Tomorrow morning, he'll get the cleared report from Pim, who was quite good at sorting through the bullshit.

He makes one last note on the ledger in front of him and blows on the ink to dry it, draping the ribbon bookmark down the middle before closing it up. Work put aside, he pulls himself out of his chair, a nervousness settling under his skin.

Come on Brekker, this should be a piece of cake.

(It isn't). ]

Your bed's ready. [ He starts, the words ending on a note that clearly says there's more. ] It's not exactly where you'd probably intend for it to be, though.

[ Which is to say: it's up here. His gaze tracks to the open doorway to his room before it drops back to her face, caution written all over. ]

[ she supposes it's a good thing, that her reputation remains the same. she can probably move through the city unchanged, now. no one will challenge her, if they're afraid of what lies in the dark.

her lips curve upwards slightly, at the news of the black tips, and the clamor of downstairs. people begging for the good favor of kaz brekker seems to also remained the same, from the last time she was in ketterdam.

but as kaz gets up, and talks, she can read the nervous energy within him. hesitation doesn't become kaz brekker, and her brow furrows slightly at what he says, before her gaze follows his own.

and, suddenly, the nerves make sense. ]

Why wouldn't it be?

[ a cautious testing of the waters, tilting her head slightly, catching his gaze. they've always shared space, whether it was on the roof top, or in the office, or camping in the midst of the van eck job.

she's going to steadily ignore how this is different, because it obviously isn't?? ]

[ It doesn't take her long to put the pieces together. Perhaps her intuition. Or perhaps just having known each other long enough that she can read him like an open book in moments like this. When he's willing to show his nerves and not close himself off, mask of ruthlessness firmly in place.

Her answer has him both triumphant and more nervous, a vicious cycle of one leading straight into the other. But it's fine, right? They've spent plenty of time sharing a space without anyone else nearby.

Except his stomach feels like it's turning itself into knots, knowing how close she'll be. Sleeping. He'll be able to turn over and see her in the middle of the night. She'll know his bad sleeping habits, how he has a tendency to kick all his blankets off.

Or what he dreads most: waking up from the feeling of drowning. It's an unpleasant enough experience when he's by himself. He knows she won't judge him—she has her own ghosts, but the mere idea of her seeing so much is hard to swallow. ]

Not as much privacy. [ It sounds a bit weak. Mostly because it's how he feels, despite the that greedy part of him being glad about the whole thing. No, he's not going to think about how she'll look with her hair down. Or what she's like first thing in the morning, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. ]

[ there's a beat of silence before she takes half a step forward, to bridge the gap between them.

kaz has difficulty with touch, but so does she. and in this moment, inej realizes that kaz has been trying, and been vulnerable, but she hasn't necessarily offered the same. perhaps because her life is such an open book to him; after all, kaz found her in the menagerie. it hardly takes a genius to put together what she had been through, in that hell. and kaz brekker surely wasn't an idiot.

inej takes another step closer, with a faint smile, as she looks up at him. she doesn't touch him, simply moves closer, and her voice is quiet. ]

This is not easy for me, either.

[ it's said gently. she doesn't bother defining what this is. but she does offer a hand, allowing him the space to take it, if he wants to do so. ]

But we keep each other safe, as we always have. [ it's said without hesitation, as easily as commenting on the midnight sky. ] This will be no different.

[ nightmares or not. inej has plenty of those. and she's steeled her resolve, that there will be no shame, if kaz sees her like that. he's already seen her at her worst, and best. there is no shame, in her, if he sees her somewhere in between. ]

[ There's only a beat of silence, which is a relief. As much as he likes their relative quiet, how they seem to understand each other without words, the expression on her face is momentarily unreadable. Besides being one that's deciding on what to say.

When she offers her hand, he carefully takes it, long fingers curling around hers, ]

I know. [ How could it be, after what she'd been through in the Menagerie? He hadn't known the full extent of Tante Heleen's cruelty, not until he'd met Inej in that hallway and seen the bruises. His answer to her then had been neutral but under his skin had burned a disgust. Whether it had been clients or Heleen herself, it didn't matter. That night, he'd nearly burned all his goodwill with Haskell in coming up with a way to get that soft-footed girl out of the silks and into the Dregs.

Not once has he regretted it. He doesn't think he ever will, even if she walks away from him entirely. ]

I'll watch your back and you'll watch mine. [ Knives drawn and pistols blazing, that's how they were. That's how it's been from almost the start, unspoken but understood. He swipes his thumb down the back of her hand, contemplative. ]

Can I try something?

[ her lips twitch, the faint smile still there at i'll watch your back and you'll watch mine. she doesn't bother confirming it; she knows, and he knows. that's enough, for her.

and at his question: ]

Of course.

[ without hesitation, though her eyes flicker down to her hand, as his thumb moves across the back of it. there's a question in her eyes (try what?), but she doesn't ask it aloud.

if whatever he wants to try is too much, inej will simply say so. ]

[ She trusts him, this he's aware of. There's just something different about being given that permission out loud. He's tempted to retry what happened in the bathroom but—no, that's too much. Both in the wanting and how much contact it would entail.

(Though he can hardly forget that she'd nearly bared her throat in that moment).

Instead, he closes that half step of distance between them, letting go of her hand to pull her into a tentative hug. His hand settles just above her waist and he tilts his head to press his cheek to her hair. ]

[ inej is actually not very good at hugs.

sure, she participates in them. nina hugs her regularly, and inej returns them with gusto. but . . .

there is something about allowing someone into her space that feels dangerous. it's when she's certainly the most deadly, when someone is stupid enough to come within arm's length. but hugs require a certain vulnerability that she likes to pretend she is good at, but she is not. whenever jesper hugs her, inej has to fight down the urge to flee.

it's men. she's not an idiot. she knows that it's men that put her on edge. but inej has always been capable of compartmentalizing that anxiety, that fear. detaching herself from it, removing herself from the situation, and enduring it. that ability was what saved her life at the menagerie; and it certainly assisted her in enduring healthy affection from the people who would never do her harm.

but as kaz hugs her, her breath catches -- not out of anxiety, or fear, because kaz would never harm her. (and honestly, even if he wanted to, in this moment, inej could drop him where he stood with the knife hidden up her wrist). the hand on her waist causes the tiniest flicker of repulsion in her chest, but inej shoves it down.

no, she's not nervous because of the touch, because it's unexpected, and she remains still (deadly still) before she exhales in a breathy laugh into his shoulder (because inej ghafa, while terrifying and a force to be reckoned with, is extraordinarily short) before she loosely loops her arms around him, to return the hug, her fingers curling into her shirt. ]

Shevrati.

[ it's murmured into his shirt, voice muffled.

kaz brekker was still a know-nothing moron, because he could hug her without question, or permission.

but being asked was still nice. ]

[ Patiently, he waits out her reaction, ready to step away if she should indicate it's uncomfortable. He remembers what she's said. About how sometimes, she feels like she's going to disappear, her past catching up as quickly as a rushing tide. Right now, there's a tension running through her, written in the stiffness of her spine.

And there's the shock, her soft inhale, perhaps not expecting this much. He feels braver than usual, simply because their clothes serve as a barrier. Her cheek is against his shoulder, safely away from his face or neck. When her arms finally loop around his middle, he breathes out his own sigh, tension releasing. ]

What's that? [ The question is muffled as he turns his face to press the quickly forming smile into the top of her head. It's been years since he's held anyone like this and the effect is giddying, making him feel like he's just picked a particularly difficult lock. Satisfying. ]

Nothing.

[ kaz's inability to speak suli is one of those things that inej will never bother fixing, because it would remove her ability to call him an idiot in a language he doesn't know.

like now.

but she exhales slowly, allowing her eyes to close to dwell on the feeling. only nina and jesper, really, hug her. no one else dares to try. likely because of her reputation, but she also doesn't exactly invite the contact. but for kaz, it has likely been even longer and more rare. when does he ever allow anyone this close.

no wonder he never gets pick-pocketed, inej thinks to herself ruefully. she's half tempted to try, just to be petulant, but ruining the moment for the sake of a jab at kaz's pride isn't exactly in the cards.

another night, maybe. ]

We shall call it a special prayer, just for you.

[ she continues, her tone a bit wry, her eyes still closed. ]

[ Something about her tone of voice tells him it's not quite nothing, but he doesn't push it. Frankly, he doesn't feel the need to, even if she happens to be calling him a bad name; he would deserve it for being stupid for so long.

Actually, now that he thinks on it, the intonation sounded so similarly to being called an idiot. Hm. Maybe one day he'll get the truth of it. For now, he's just glad she's comfortable enough to let this happen.

And that he let himself try it at all, another piece of armor shaking loose. ]

Those saints of yours seem to listen pretty often. [ So maybe they'll do the same here. If they exist. He's still not sure he believes in any of it, instead choosing to put his faith in things he can understand. Things that are tangible, like the warmth pressed between them, the smell of the soap she uses in her hair, how he wants to keep holding on. Carefully, he slides his palm up her back and then down again, a soothing gesture before he starts to pull away. ]

I moved things around in the drawers, the top one is yours.

[ the hand moving up and down her back causes her eyes to open slightly, as she feels him pulling away. and she has half a mind to seize him, to keep him close, but she looses her arms around his middle, blinking her eyes fully open before she tilts her head back up to look at him.

she's tempted to brush the hair out of his eyes, or to take his face in her hands. something, to keep him closer. but inej stills her hands and pushes those thoughts aside, to focus on the achievement. the now, because they are truly in no rush. ]

They do.

[ in reference to her saints, pursing her lips together into a smile, and she catches his hands in her own before he pulls away completely, squeezing them gently. ]

And that is fine, I do not have very much.

[ per usual. ]

Thank you.

[ He doesn't exactly want to let her go but he's mindful of the long day she's probably had. And maybe the touch had been a little too much, despite the barrier their clothes provided. Intimate and vulnerable, two things he isn't used to being around anyone, even Inej.

Brevity aside, it's still a step forward. Something he wouldn't have dreamed of doing before she left. Or perhaps that's not quite right– he dreamt of plenty and never took the initiative.

Her hands catch his in a happy squeeze and he returns the gesture before gathering his cane and hobbling towards his room. ]

Of course. [ As if he wouldn't put aside his entire everything to make sure she got what she needed. It's what she deserved.

Stepping into the adjoining room, he automatically starts unbuttoning his vest and tugging his tie loose, a creature of years of ingrained habit. As the knot of his tie slips halfway down, he stops, suddenly and painfully aware he's sharing the space. It shouldn't feel as strange as it does. After all, he's stripped in front of her so many times in the past, unworried by her judgment.

Frankly, he hadn't even been thinking about the impact, then. Another niggling bit of idiocy he's faced with, because now it has an entirely different feel. He frowns, struggling over whether he can keep going as he's done before– why not, why make it into such a big deal?

Except it is, isn't it? His glance darts to Inej, as if he'll find an answer there. ]

[ inej follows him into the room, moving past him easily to access her things, which have been placed neatly on the bed which is now in the corner. she undoes her pack, distracted by fishing out what she needs for the night.

once she's done doing that, inej undoes the buttons on her hooded jacket, shrugging out of it with ease. bare shoulders and a tight lightly padded tank-top cover most of her. and, the loss of the jacket shows a holster with knives tucked against her sides, but she doesn't remove those, just yet.

instead, she focuses on undoing the braid of her hair, threading her fingers through the plait to undo it. she's just about finished letting her hair out of its braid when she feels a sudden . . . stillness in the room.

she glances upward, and her eyes meet kaz's, who also seems to have paused in getting ready for the night.

part of her wants to laugh, because now he seems to have found modesty. the larger part is insulted that he didn't turn around, and that is the part that wins out, in the end. ]

Wall.

[ it's said a bit flatly, quickly gesturing with a free hand, a finger spinning around in a neat circle, indicating he should turn around. and stare at the wall. and she will do the same!!!!

USELESS ]

[ Like a thief caught in the act, he's frozen, watching as Inej's small hands undo the plaits of her braid. She shakes the length of it out and he's mesmerized by the flutter of it, fingers twitching once with the urge to reach over and touch.

And then he feels an embarrassed flush when she tells him to flatly turn around. Because really, that should've been the obvious decision. Instead he'd floundered, mind seemingly empty of anything but panic and the way her hair draped over her shoulder.

Well ok, he's still thinking of that as he promptly turns around to face the wall. Firmly, he pulls his thoughts away from going further, focusing instead on pulling his vest and tie the rest of the way off. Going through the motions helps and soon enough, he's changed into a night shirt and pants, his day clothes tossed into the nearby basket. Anxiously, he runs a hand through his hair and perches on the edge of his bed. ]

[ they're both broken, in their own way. and inej feels a sting of guilt at her sudden reaction, because he (probably) didn't mean any actual harm . . . but the rise and flow of the tides of memories is hard to conquer, in the moment.

now, she has a moment to finish undressing, folding her clothing neatly to place on the floor near her bed, to be washed later. her boots go against the foot of the bed, and inej tugs a loose shirt over her head, along with loose pants, her hair hanging past her shoulders.

once that's done, inej hesitates before crossing the room to take a seat next to kaz on his own bed. not touching, for half a moment, before she rests her head gently on his shoulder.

not saying anything. just a silent apology. ]

[ There's silence as she finishes dressing and he stares up at the ceiling, expecting some sort of verbal signal to say it's ok to turn around. What he gets instead is her slight weight dipping the mattress next to him—a surprise, definitely. She leans her head on his shoulder and he adjusts for it, steady. ]

Don't apologize. [ He knows what she's trying to say in the quiet space between them. Her reaction had been sensible, considering what her past was like, all those men staring like she were some beautiful object. That's the last thing he wants her to feel while she's here.

Carefully, he covers her hand with his, giving it a gentle squeeze. ]

[ she doesn’t bother objecting to his request, because she knows he is right. an apology isn’t required or necessary, but she still allows the silent apology to hang in the air, settling between them as he takes her hand to squeeze it.

she allows her eyes to close, truly relaxing in the moment. it’s about another minute or so before she speaks. ]

I am supposed to bring you to Jesper and Wylan’s for dinner, this weekend.

[ she sounds tired — but in a pleasant way, relaxed and at peace.

and also a delicate change of subject. she doesn’t want to dwell on something negative before she goes to sleep. ]

[ The subject change is welcome. They both understand there's going to be some things to work through—people don't change overnight. ]

That's their way of saying I'm overdue this month, I'm sure. [ It was either pass the message through Inej or Jesper himself would show up in his office to be just enough of a nuisance that he'd agree to visit just to get him to leave him to his work.

Though, he won't admit this aloud, he likes when Jes has visited recently. His usual manic energy has been curbed by his living with Wylan and he feels like they can actually converse. Maybe it had helped to call a spade a spade as well: realizing how much Jesper reminded him of Jordie and putting it to words had cleared up that particular part of their relationship. Even if Jesper isn't necessarily aware of it. ]

They caught you up? [ On their going-ons. He's sure they both had so much to say. ]

[ jesper might have delicately suggested that inej would have an easier time coaxing Kaz to come along rather than jesper’s usual method of badgering Kaz into submission. and when inej didn’t necessarily disagree with his assessment, she had been volunteered to deal with Kaz on this go-around.

some things never change. ]

More or less. [ her tone is laced with amusement. ] Jesper has made progress, with his gift. [ he had offered to sharpen her knives. Inej had politely refused. ] And Jesper caught me up on what has been happening with Van Eck, but the conversation was cut short.

[ wylan thought inej would rather talk about something else, but Inej was fairly certain wylan just needed a reason to move on from the subject. ]

But they are happy. And still have much of their money.

[ miracle of miracles. ]

I shouldn't be surprised that Wylan managed to coerce him into taking lessons. [ But somehow, he is. Kaz has suggested it a few times after he found out and Jesper had always been oddly stubborn.

But then, he supposes, Wylan has a more gentle touch. ]

I can catch you up on the Van Eck trial. It's gone fairly smoothly thus far. [ The evidence had been too damning. Kerch could not ignore money or deals being handled the way Van Eck had attempted to, it went against their entire culture. ]

Another bit of Wylan's doing. He asked me to run some budgeting numbers. Some of it goes to Jesper to speculate on the markets, it keeps him busy and gives him a similar satisfaction as his gambling.

[ Just without the losses that would put him into debt again. Kaz has to admit he's getting good at reading the shifts among said markets, his impulsiveness working well with his intuition. ]

I doubt he wants to leave prison.

[ that would mean looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life for her.

but her lips twitch into a small smile, at the news. jesper is truly finding his way, and his path. it’s a beautiful thing to hear, and a comfort that he’s doing well. despite everything. ]

Wylan is going to single-handedly lower the crime rate in this city just by keeping Jesper busy.

[ what a good kid, honestly. ]

They wanted to walk the city with me, tomorrow. At some point.

[ wylan had suggested inej could drop by whenever she wanted, rather than jesper’s suggestion of showing up first thing in the morning. wylan, it seems, assumed she would want to sleep.

bless him. ]

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