timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ after it had been done, and the children finally shuttled back to where they need to go, inej had held it together. there was no choice, really, because if she began to cry, she would never be able to stop. so she compartmentalized, and moved on.

she had been silent, upon checking into the hotel. and she had sat on the bed, still as she tried to parse through her thoughts. feelings. next steps.

kaz sits next to her, and she distantly hears him ask her to rest. the feeling of his hand against her back. it causes a weight in her chest, as she curls her fingers into the fabric of her pants. ]

How?

[ after a moment, her voice quiet, her throat tight. ]

I can draw you a bath.

[ If that would help her relax. She's been on edge for weeks now, tension high enough to coil a spring. It's just waiting to come out somehow. ]

Or we can turn in early. [ The sun's just dipping below the horizon but it's summer, it goes down fairly late this time of year. Especially in Ravka. Kaz shifts a little closer, leaning his forehead against her shoulder, as if that will nudge her out of the tense silence. ]

[ the weight of his forehead against her shoulder helps ground her, and inej allows her eyes to close, drawing in a deep breath, and letting it out slowly.

she can feel the weight in her throat grow, at the closeness. the offers of help. it's a dam waiting to break, but she isn't sure why she's struggling to keep control of it.

if she starts crying now, she might never stop. ]

I want to take a bath.

[ finally. ]

But I don't want to be alone.

[ not that it would really bother her, if kaz were in the bathroom too. progress has been slowly, but surely, made. but maybe just turning in early would be the better option. ]

[ There's a thickness to her voice that threatens to bring tears. He hates seeing her cry but he almost wishes she would. Maybe it would make her feel better. It's supposed to be cathartic, right? ]

I can sit nearby. [ He doesn't dare try to touch her while she's in the bath though. They've made progress but the feel of damp skin would be enough to make him sick.

At the very least, he could keep her company while she rinsed off.

Either way, he pulls back enough to start the process. That is, undoing her braid. She hates laying down with it still in and there's no point in keeping it if she's intent on a bath. He slowly unravels the plaits, combing his fingers through the newly loosened strands as he goes. ]

[ she remains still, as he begins to undo her braid, still willing herself to keep whatever is building in her chest under control. but as he begins to stroke her hair, something cracks.

her breath catches, and she isn't really sure why. kaz brushes her hair all the time. it's commonplace by now, really. but something about the gesture (normally soothing) causes her heart to ache. it's gentle, and soothing, and so far removed from what os kervo is. and some part of her longs for her mother, who would surely just make her feel worse, but would also just hold her as she cried. and probably pet her hair.

so as inej tries to draws in another breath, it catches again, and soon, a sob escapes.

it's not dramatic, or loud. it's actually fairly soft, but inej dips her head forward, burying her face into her hands as her shoulders shake, a shuddered gasp escaping as she begins to cry. ]

[ For a bit, there's still silence. Either she's wrestling with a decision or she's sorting through what's going on in her head. Whatever the case is, he doesn't attempt to derail her. He gets the feeling she needs the quiet for now.

Of course, that means her sob is obvious when she first makes the sound. It isn't loud, because she's never one to draw attention, but it breaks through the silence of the room like a knife. Kaz stops combing his fingers through her hair, instead moving to loop his arms around her middle. He tugs her towards him gently and simply holds her. Should he say something? Would anything help?

He isn't sure. So he stays quiet for now, letting her cry it out. ]

[ his arms loop around her middle and she's tugged against his chest. her first instinct is to tense, but she overrides that quickly, letting him hold her as she cries.

she can't really remember the last time she's cried this hard. likely never. but every single step in os kervo had threatened her resolve. from accidentally stumbling into the slaver encampment, to finding the man responsible for taking her in the first place, to uncovering the children that had been stolen away. pieces of memory that inej had thought were long since gone slammed into reality in full force, and after she had cut his throat, she nearly sank to her knees and sobbed, then.

but there was work to do. and it wouldn't do, really, to look weak in front of the people she's supposed to lead, and the people who are supposed to be afraid of her.

it's hard to tell, really, how long it lasts. the crying. it feels like forever. but soon, inej's breathing slows, her head beginning to ache, her shoulders trembling as she begins to calm down. her breath hitching, as she sniffs, her face still buried in her hands, even though she's now leaning against kaz. ]

[ It feels like it takes both hours and only a handful of minutes before she calms down enough. She's still hiccuping and sniffling, but the trembling has lessened. Her shoulders no longer shake as violently and she seems to be catching her breath easier between the sobs.

There's no telling if there will be a fresh wave, but this is progress. He moves one arm from her middle briefly, pulling a kerchief out of his jacket pocket and holding it out to her. ]

Here. [ Something softer to dry her eyes and cheeks. Slowly, his other hand smoothes up and down her side, an attempt to be reassuring. ]

[ she lifts her head at the sound of his voice, and blinks the tears from her eyes to see the kerchief. and inej takes it, gratefully, to dry her eyes and wipe off her cheeks, the hand against her side soothing.

once that's done, she stares at the kerchief in her hands, the fabric wound between her fingers. she feels . . . exhausted, but able to think. the pressure in her chest has lessened, a little bit. enough that she can breathe.

soon, though, she turns enough to look at kaz, her gaze catching his. she looks terrible, she's sure, inej thinks to herself, with red-rimmed eyes and dark circles and her hair askew, but she shoves that aside to simply lean forward, to bury her face into his chest, exhaling slowly into the fabric of his shirt.

relaxing. a little. marginally, anyway. ]

[ She's responsive now, at least, and he feels a little relief when she takes the kerchief. That at least she's not completely disconnected from the moment. Though he couldn't blame her if she was. The past few weeks have been emotionally harrowing, even for him, and he didn't even have any bad memories to contend with.

When she turns, she looks about what he expected—red rimmed eyes, the circles underneath somehow deeper than before. Her face is flushed from all the sobbing and he immediately goes back to holding her when she presses her face into his shirt. He pets her hair all the way down the line of her back and soothingly repeats the motion. It's as much for her as it is for him, if he's honest. ]

[ the feeling of his heart calms her, and inej closes her eyes, focusing on it through the fabric of his shirt. and the petting of her hair almost causes the tears to start again, but inej focuses on the feeling of kaz's fingers along her back.

eventually, she finds her voice. it's faint, and muffled, spoken into his chest, but it is there. ]

I love you.

[ her throat feels like she's swallowed gravel, raspy with the crying. ]

More than anything on this Earth.

[ It's silent again as she slowly calms. This time, there isn't the crushing tension. Just a general sense of tiredness. She's exhausted from the emotional upheaval and he's simply tired after a long day. And he's finding he wants nothing more than to lie down and hold her for the rest of the night. ]

I love you too, Inej Ghafa. [ He says, equally quiet, cheek pressed to the top of her head. ] And I always will.

[ It doesn't matter what happens. Even on the exceedingly slim chance this doesn't work out, part of him will hang onto this extraordinary woman. ]

[ her lips twitch into a faint smile, at that, and inej loops her arms around his waist to hug him tightly, sniffing once. ]

Good.

[ and once she's done with her hug, she pulls away just enough to shift her hands to his face, running her thumbs over his cheekbones. her smile is nearly nonexistent, but still there. ]

Because you, Kaz Brekker, are never going to get rid of me.

[ not in a million years. ]

[ Her smile is barely there, a faint impression of one rather than an actual curve to her mouth. But it's something. A positive. ]

As if it had ever crossed my mind. [ The mere fictional consideration of leaving makes his stomach clench anxiously. He gently takes her hands in his before leaning down to kiss one cheek and then the other, feeling affectionate in the wake of the worry. ]

Do you still want that bath? [ Though he doesn't want to let her go just yet. ]

[ the kisses to her cheek cause her eyes to drift close, and she leans forward into the touch . . . but at his question, she blinks her eyes open to look at him, with a slight frown.

she, too, doesn't really want her to let go of him. and she meant what she said, she doesn't want to be alone. but she knows that a bath will help relax her, and wash away whatever is still clinging to her . . . ]

I do.

[ softly. ]

I need to get out of these clothes.

[ He really doesn't want to let go but he also knows it'll be better to come back to this afterwards. She can soak the rest of the tension away. And then she'll be bath-warmed, relaxed, her dark hair even moreso from the damp.

Reluctantly, he gives her hands a squeeze before he releases his hold, moving to get up. ]

Come on then, we can do this the rest of the night once you're done. [ And morning, really. He has a feeling she won't want to be up at her usual hour. ]

[ he lets her go, and inej unfolds herself from him, but before he moves too far away, she curls her fingers into his shirt and tugs him closer for a kiss. it's soft, tender, before she pulls away to stand, wiping her eyes once more with the kerchief that had been resting on the bed. ]

Good.

[ she murmurs, moving to the bathroom, running a hand through her hair to brush it out of her face. ]

I'd like that.

[ He goes willingly when she tugs him back in for a kiss. His hand settles briefly on the side of her neck, thumb sweeping slowly along the line of her jaw. It's with similar reluctance that he pulls away after she does. But, first things first.

The bathroom is thankfully big enough to fit both of them without being cramped. Unlike the few in the Slat—most of the rooms there suffer from lack of space. Something he's been working on since the windfall from the Van Eck job.

(It's slow going, since it involves quite a bit of construction and shuffling people into different rooms temporarily while walls are knocked down and redone).

While she undresses, he turns the tap on, leaning down to put his fingers under the faucet and testing the heat. He has a fair idea of just how hot she'll want it to be; enough to steam up a smaller room. Soon it's about right and he reaches down to seal the drain, drying his hand off thoroughly on one of the hanging towels. ]

All yours. [ As for him, he flips the lid down on the toilet and slowly takes a seat with a bit of a sigh. Long day. ]

[ some days of undressing are better than others. over time, it's gotten a lot easier, undressing in front of kaz. today is a middling day . . . after warring with her memories for the better part of three weeks, it takes her a moment to steel her nerve.

while she does that, though, she stoops to search the cabinet in the bathroom, finding some type of bubbling soap. and she unceremoniously dumps that in, before she quickly undresses.

in a matter of moments, she's sunk into the bathtub . . . properly scalding, as she exhales slowly. and she soon vanishes underneath the water for a moment, letting the heat soak over her before she re-emerges, just above the bubbles, exhaling slowly.

and, finally, from her bubble palace: ]

Thank you.

[ for sitting with her. and holding her. and helping her do this. all of the above, really. ]

[ While she gets her bath completely ready and eventually steps in, he doesn't pay her any particular attention. These past few weeks have been a bit touch and go, too many of her bad memories dredged up by the work they'd been doing. He leans back against the toilet backing instead, head tipped towards the ceiling and eyes closed.

For a bit, there's just the quiet sound of the water and fizz of slowly popping foam bubbles. He hears her move, probably ducking under, and then emerge, letting out a long sigh. ]

You helped me take down Rollins. [ Inadvertently, for a while. She still doesn't know the extent of it, even if she'd been privy to that final conversation.

And had gone to make sure he wasn't coming back any time soon. Or at all. He has the stuffed lion in his desk drawer. ]

It wouldn't be fair if you didn't have your payback.

[ At that, he opens his eyes and tips his gaze back down, quirking a small smile. Bubbles have collected atop her head, from when she'd slipped under the water. ]

[ he's not looking at her, and she feels somewhat grateful. the bubbles cover most of her, and she's idly considering dunking down into the water again when he looks over at her, a smile on his lips.

she almost asks him what's funny, but her brow furrows slightly, thinking over what he said. she supposes that much is true, she did help him do that . . . and drove the nail in the coffin, when she threatened to carve his heart from his chest if he dared to set foot in ketterdam again.

she wiggles her toes, under the water, trying to think of what she wants to say, if anything. ]

They ripped my innocence from me.

[ she says quietly, hands shifting to comb her fingers through her wet hair, letting the soap run through it. ]

Losing their lives was nothing in comparison.

And you were still the better person. They'd deserved to suffer.

[ But then, they hadn't had much of a choice in the matter. It was swoop in quickly and be done or let some escape while extracting retribution. There'd also been the matter of the kids—they had seen enough. Most of the darker evening shadows had covered the gruesome fight but none of those children were going to easily bounce back from that situation.

Still, he knows Inej. She wasn't the kind to prolong suffering, no matter how necessary it seemed. That was always more his style, though some of it has been curbed by her better nature.

It had reared its ugly head though, when he'd been considering what he would have liked to do to the men who'd taken her.

That had been their last bit of luck, that he hadn't gotten to them first. ]

Those children are going to consider you a saint, I'm sure.

[ she slips a bit lower into the tub, frowning to herself as she mulled over his words. the children were rescued, that’s true, and she supposed they’ll thank her for it...

but she sighs, resting her head against the back of the bath, eyes moving to the ceiling. ]

I hope the kidnapping was the only damage they incurred.

[ her tone is quiet, but not distant, eyes roving over the design etched into the ceiling. ]

Once I was taken to the camp or holding area, it was too late.

[ the slavers didn’t keep their hands to themselves, no matter what lie they spun to heleen. and heleen could tell, the broken ones versus the ones that hadn’t been violated yet. Inej was somewhere in between. scarred, but not broken.

she purses her lips slightly, shifting to rinse a portion of her hair. ]

At least dead they won’t do any more harm.

Hard to say. They looked shaken but they warmed up a bit.

[ Once they figured out that neither Kaz nor Inej were going to hurt them, anyway. Though, Kaz had a good meter for whether someone was broken or not, his was different than Inej's. She knew what to look for. If she saw anything in their faces, she hadn't said. ]

No, they're done for good.

[ He watches her rinse her hair, feeling that familiar itch to reach out and touch. His fingers curl towards his palm instead. Maybe one day. ]

I'm proud of you. [ Because none of this had been easy. But she'd done it anyway. ]

[ she has never felt more grateful for speaking three languages as she has doing this work. because navigating the children was a blur of shifting between languages, ushering them to safety... and honestly, even if they were damaged, at least they weren’t broken. Inej hadn’t seen that.

at his words, though, inej catches his gaze, fingers pausing in combing the soap through, and her lips twitch into a faint smile. ]

I couldn’t have done it without you.

[ logistically. or emotionally. Kaz had held her up when she wanted to fall more than once, literally and figuratively.

and inej dips underwater again before resurfacing, running her hands over her face to get rid of the excess water. ]

Mmm... we should stay in bed for a week.

[ almost wistfully, as she stretches to rub her legs under the water, working out some tension. ]

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