timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

And you were still the better person. They'd deserved to suffer.

[ But then, they hadn't had much of a choice in the matter. It was swoop in quickly and be done or let some escape while extracting retribution. There'd also been the matter of the kids—they had seen enough. Most of the darker evening shadows had covered the gruesome fight but none of those children were going to easily bounce back from that situation.

Still, he knows Inej. She wasn't the kind to prolong suffering, no matter how necessary it seemed. That was always more his style, though some of it has been curbed by her better nature.

It had reared its ugly head though, when he'd been considering what he would have liked to do to the men who'd taken her.

That had been their last bit of luck, that he hadn't gotten to them first. ]

Those children are going to consider you a saint, I'm sure.

[ she slips a bit lower into the tub, frowning to herself as she mulled over his words. the children were rescued, that’s true, and she supposed they’ll thank her for it...

but she sighs, resting her head against the back of the bath, eyes moving to the ceiling. ]

I hope the kidnapping was the only damage they incurred.

[ her tone is quiet, but not distant, eyes roving over the design etched into the ceiling. ]

Once I was taken to the camp or holding area, it was too late.

[ the slavers didn’t keep their hands to themselves, no matter what lie they spun to heleen. and heleen could tell, the broken ones versus the ones that hadn’t been violated yet. Inej was somewhere in between. scarred, but not broken.

she purses her lips slightly, shifting to rinse a portion of her hair. ]

At least dead they won’t do any more harm.

Hard to say. They looked shaken but they warmed up a bit.

[ Once they figured out that neither Kaz nor Inej were going to hurt them, anyway. Though, Kaz had a good meter for whether someone was broken or not, his was different than Inej's. She knew what to look for. If she saw anything in their faces, she hadn't said. ]

No, they're done for good.

[ He watches her rinse her hair, feeling that familiar itch to reach out and touch. His fingers curl towards his palm instead. Maybe one day. ]

I'm proud of you. [ Because none of this had been easy. But she'd done it anyway. ]

[ she has never felt more grateful for speaking three languages as she has doing this work. because navigating the children was a blur of shifting between languages, ushering them to safety... and honestly, even if they were damaged, at least they weren’t broken. Inej hadn’t seen that.

at his words, though, inej catches his gaze, fingers pausing in combing the soap through, and her lips twitch into a faint smile. ]

I couldn’t have done it without you.

[ logistically. or emotionally. Kaz had held her up when she wanted to fall more than once, literally and figuratively.

and inej dips underwater again before resurfacing, running her hands over her face to get rid of the excess water. ]

Mmm... we should stay in bed for a week.

[ almost wistfully, as she stretches to rub her legs under the water, working out some tension. ]

You would've found a way.

[ She usually did. After all, this was the girl that had taken the knife she was given and flourished. The one who survived the Menagerie, the Barrel, Van Eck, Dunyasha. Who made slavers run in fear at sea and on land. He'd just made it easier for her to put this piece to rest. ]

I think I like the sound of that. [ Truthfully, he isn't sure if he could sit still so long, despite how tired he currently feels. But he also doesn't like the idea of going anywhere until she's recovered some more. At least until those circles under her eyes have a chance to fade. ]

[ the idea of lying in bed wrapped up in his arms for the next week sounds incredible. because she can already tell that sleep will be touch and go, and as she finishes rinsing her hair, she’s grateful kaz came with her.

she won’t be alone to deal with it. ]

Then that’s what we’ll do.

[ with a small smile, before she rinses the soap off her arms. ]

You should change into your pajamas; I’m almost done.

[ she can make it out of the tub with him in the other room, and she has to dry off, which always takes a hit. ]

[ She suggests he change and he takes one quick look at her face, just making sure it'll be fine to leave. Her expression is steady, albeit tired, but the crying and the bath seemed to have helped.

So he nods, using his cane to lever himself up.

Impulsively, he reaches down to scoop up a handful of bubbles, patting them right onto the top of her head. Then he grins, heading out of the bathroom. ]

Enjoy the rest of your bath, bubble queen.

[ indeed, her expression is steady, and she sends him a grateful look as he gets up . . . Which is quickly replaced by a suli string of words that is probably not strictly appropriate, as Kaz dumps bubbles on her hair.

but the suli ends in a laugh, as she slips back under the water, to rinse her hair again. and after that, she drains the tub, and takes care to dry herself off, meticulous in her actions.

water and Kaz don’t mix, after all. not usually. she isn’t wholly sure why, figuring it out by observation and a bad experience where inej had damp hands and touched his shoulders after washing them. so she dries carefully, now. and inej is already half a mess; she doesn’t need to add Kaz to her mess.

she soon emerges from the bathroom wrapped in a robe, her damp hair as towel-dried as it could be, surveying the bed before she decides to move toward her bag, tugging out a pair of underwear before she frowns at her bag. ]

Can I wear one of your shirts to bed?

[ it’s soothing, for some reason, to do that. ]

[ Kaz's relationship with water has gotten...better. In increments. Most of his recovery has been slowly making his way over the general touching hurdles. He sometimes wonders if his near violently bad reactions to water and wet skin are permanent side effects, that he'll only be able to scoop bubbles into her hair or simply keep her company.

But then, he'd thought he would never be able to kiss her. Or hold hands. And now he can do both. It'll just take time, as usual. And concentrated effort. Just maybe not during this trip, because she has enough to think about without him adding on.

He takes his time changing and uses the water basin on one of the side tables to wipe down. By the time he's done, she's dragged herself out of the bathroom and is frowning down at her bag.

And asking to use one of his shirts. ]

Sure. [ Honestly, he enjoys when she does. Something about seeing her in his clothing warms him through. He pulls a shirt on for himself and then fishes out another one, handing it over to her. ]

]

[ she gives him a small smile before taking the shirt, turning to shed the robe and tug on her underwear before pulling on the shirt. it's huge on her, but soft, and comfortable.

once that's done, inej tugs back the comforter and slides into the bed, exhaling slowly. and the moment that kaz is also in bed, she turns to curl up against his side, resting her cheek against his shoulder.

she feels exhausted. and she's certain she's not done crying, yet. she feels an odd weight in her throat again, now that she's comfortable and safe, with him. it should be the opposite reaction, inej thinks in frustration, but she closes her eyes to focus on the feeling of his shirt underneath her cheek.

she's very clearly not asleep, though, or totally relaxed. but an attempt is being made. and she does feel much better, after the bath, now that she's warm and clean and in new clothes.

eventually: ]

I think I'm going to stay in Ketterdam for awhile, when we go back.

[ quietly, as she curls her fingers against his shirt. ]

[ He crawls in beside her and lets her get comfortable before he relaxes. She's warm all over from the bath and it's a soothing feeling, having her pressed so close. The past few weeks seem to catch up in a rush and he sighs, happy that at least the worst of it is over. ]

Yeah? What's a while?

[ It sounds like it'll be longer than her usual stays. More than two weeks, at least. There's been a couple occasions where she's pushed it close to a month. But as much as he wanted to keep her for longer, he knew she couldn't stay.

This changed things. And he can understand wanting to rest. Her job isn't easy and this had been one of the more difficult times. ]

A few months.

[ she runs her thumb along his arm, her eyes still closed, her voice still quiet. it feels scary, really, to say it out loud . . . but inej knows that she needs to heal, in more ways than one. a week in a hotel in ravka is not going to be enough.

then, with a faint twitch of her lips: ]

If you're willing to let me sleep in your bed, anyway.

[ His eyebrows go up at her mention of a few months. It's unexpected but not displeasing. He always misses her dearly when she leaves, after all. ]

I think we're well past simply willing, Inej. [ He says dryly, echoing her faint amusement. How could he refuse, after all? The prospect of getting at least a month of actual rest is enough to make him agree. Not to mention the reassurance that he knows where she is, that she's safe. That a storm isn't just going to knock her ship off course and leave her stranded.

A thousand little worries whittle down to a handful, when she's back on dry land. ]

[ she tucks her head a little closer into his shoulder, but she opens her eyes to tilt her head up a little, to look at him and his expression. of course he wouldn't mind, but she still feels the need to ask . . . which is stupid, in retrospect. but she doesn't really have anywhere to go, in ketterdam, that is hers. and as much as she loves jesper and wylan, she sometimes just needs quiet.

she stretches an arm across his chest to fully press herself against him, comfortable and warm. ]

I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep.

[ it's murmured, letting her eyes close again as she gets comfortable. ]

But I always sleep better when you're here.

[ so staying in ketterdam for a month or two might just help her heal. ]

[ The arm around her middle tugs her closer, briefly, giving her a squeeze. Already tired earlier, her warmth and low voice make it hard to keep his eyes open. Which he feels a little bad about, because she's had a rough go of it, sleep evasive because of the whole circumstance. ]

At least you won't have to be on high alert all the time. [ Even if she doesn't sleep, just being able to rest would help. There'd be no sudden coming upon a slaver ship in the middle of the night. And whatever business the Dregs had, they could handle without her, as much as she is loathe to stay behind. ]

I can't seem to settle when you're gone. [ His nights are filled with a restlessness, tossing and turning. Missing her. ]

[ there's a soft mmm at that, running a finger along his chest, drawing a meaningless design into his shirt. ]

We make quite the pair.

[ murmured, faintly amused. the two scariest people in ketterdam can't be touched by strangers and can't sleep through the night apart. what a mess. ]

Are you going to take me out to dinner, when we get back?

[ They do make quite the pair. If those in the Barrel knew—well, he doesn't want to consider it. Then again, only the stupid or brash would try their hand at either of them.

And he doubts anyone would want to try them both at the same time. No matter how weak their defenses looked. ]

I can, did you have some place in mind?

[ They've gotten better at that whole going on a date thing. It's been strange to incorporate, because neither of them had known what dating was like. Now they've figured out what works for them, little by little. Though he still usually prefers to have dinner with her on the roof of the Slat, enjoying the general quiet. ]

I never have a place in mind.

[ mostly because inej typically dislikes the whole . . . being out in public thing. and until recently, she never really could afford eating somewhere that required sitting down. she usually just took the food to go and ate it on the roof. which, really, she still enjoys doing more often than not.

but sometimes, the normalcy is nice. it's almost never perfect. and dinner is usually spent creating elaborate stories about the people around them based on what they could see. inej and kaz had witnessed many a break-up and reconciliation, from their dinners. and the odd marital affair.

at any rate: ]

You are the plan person.

[ so obviously, picking out where to eat dinner also falls on him, in the "plans" department. ]

[ He lets out a laugh at you are the plan person, the sound low and a little rough from tiredness. Inej has never been particularly choosy when it came to things like that. And honestly, he likes putting together an idea, finding places that are suitably quiet enough to have a conversation.

She also seems to like the surprise of it. ]

Fancy or not fancy?

Mmm... not fancy.

[ she decides, drawing a circle against his chest, her own tone tinged with sleep. fancy was nice once in awhile, in better chances at people watching, but higher chance at being bored. not fancy poses the chance of enjoying themselves while also being able to not be stared at. much, anyway. ]

Or somewhere in the middle.

[ talking about something as boring and dumb as this is causing her to relax, the movement with her fingers slowing as she talks. ]

Breakfast for dinner.

[ this is turning into another night on the roof, the more she thinks about it. ]

You're circling back to waffles with this criteria, you know.

[ Not like he's going to complain about it. There's a bit of a history with that particular food. Lots of nights spent sitting on the roof of the Slat or in his office, take out on their laps as they talked through ideas.

He also thinks a little bit of Nina, who adores said waffles. Granted, she loves food in general. But he thinks of her all the same, idly wondering if she was doing okay.

Not that he would ever admit to thinking it. She wouldn't want his sympathy anyway.

The conversation turns more and more idle, discussing some changes to the Slat, about how they'll spend their time once they get back. She'll be staying at least a month, they'll have time to do things rather than compress the basics into a week or two.

They agree to stay in the hotel until the end of the week, enough time to rest up and head back towards the coast. The first couple days are up and down; Inej doesn't sleep well, despite him being close by. Or maybe that exacerbates her, subconsciously. She wakes shaking and near tears until he bundles her up in the blankets, talking her through it.

Day three passes without much incident, though neither of them can seem to get comfortable. The restlessness keeps them both up and leaves them drowsy into the day. Day four sees him waking with a jolt, immediately throwing the covers off and hobbling as quickly as he can to the bathroom, stomach giving an unpleasant lurch. Ultimately, nothing comes up, leaving him vaguely nauseous when he comes back into the bedroom, sinking onto the edge of the bed.

It hasn't been this bad in a while. He'd swiped the cold sweat dry with a towel but it still feels like it's sticking to his skin, imitating the unnatural texture of bodies floating in water. Kaz wants nothing more than to curl back into bed but he can't even consider being so close to Inej. Not right now. ]

[ inej is a light sleeper without the nightmares, but it only takes a shift in the weight of kaz next to her for her to blink her eyes open, a little blearily with sleep. but adrenaline jolts her awake, as kaz suddenly moves to the bathroom, and she can hear the retching.

something in her chest twists, as she pushes herself up to sit, her hair falling along her shoulders. she says nothing, knowing that when it's this bad, touching him is a horrible idea. but nonetheless, she's about to get up to move to the bathroom when he reemerges to sink back onto the bed. but he doesn't move to get back into bed properly, or come near her.

so she frowns to herself before gently shifting the blankets, moving to get up on the opposite end, circling around to sit in the chair near the bed, pulling her feet up onto the seat, wrapping her arms around her knees. ]

You should lay down.

[ quietly, inclining her head toward the bed, which is now empty, eyes searching his face. ]

It will help.

[ Part of him wants to sob; backsliding this hard is so frustrating. He'd been making such progress. The last time he had a fit this bad had almost been a year ago. Maybe a little more than that.

Because they'd been careful, adding a little more touch here and there. Both for his benefit and hers. And now here he was, feeling shivery and weak and small, just like when he'd first dragged himself out of the damn harbor.

Inej's gentle voice annoys him, but he bites his tongue, recognizing that he isn't actually angry at her. Just at the situation. At himself, for a seeming inability to get past this. Her suggestion isn't a bad one, once he swallows down the irrational irritation, and he shakily pulls the covers up over his shoulders, sinking back onto the pillow. His heart still feels like it's racing, even as he looks over at her, trying to use the details to ground himself.

When he blinks, though, he just thinks of cold water and burning muscles, of a panic so bright and sharp it had felt like the fever still clinging. ]

[ she can tell that he's swallowing something back, but he ultimately says nothing and does as he's told, laying back down. and only when he does that does inej move, pulling the chair closer, alongside the bed, sitting in the chair with her legs crossed underneath her.

touching him is a bad idea, though her heart aches and she wants nothing more than to climb into bed with him, to hold him, and reassure him that he is fine. but he's still wrapped in whatever he is struggling with, and touching him will only make it worse.

or . . . well, touching his skin would probably make it worse. touching the blanket might be okay, but she doesn't want to risk it. ]

Shhh. [ it's a soothing noise, not moving to touch him yet, her hands still in her lap. ] You are with me, in Ravka. We are going to order blini for breakfast in the morning after sleeping in. We might go to the docks if we feel like it.

[ and, finally, inej reaches out to gently pet his hair, careful not to touch skin, her voice calm and gentle. ]

Whatever is in your mind is something you have already conquered. You already survived it. Okay?

[ The physical part is difficult, but the mental hurdle is harder. Telling oneself to think about something else is almost impossible. What Inej says helps, a better memory cutting through the film strip of bad ones; eating blini for the first time, at that outside cafe.

There's also the matter of her careful touch. An unintentional shudder runs through him when he feels the first brush of her palm against his hair. But it isn't touching skin, giving him something else to focus on. Something that isn't his mind replicating his brother's dead body under his hands. ]

I— [ Kaz pauses, searching for the right words. Not wanting to blurt out everything in a rush. Just enough to make sense. ] —No docks.

[ He doesn't even want to think about them, correlating too much right now. Because he'd left Jordie at one and hadn't been able to go back. Would the skeleton be there, if he looked? He's not even sure which one it is, memory fuzzy. He blinks away the burning sensation in his eyes, pulling the blanket tighter to himself. ]

Yes. [ Well... ] No. I don't know.

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