timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

Rollins shouldn’t have taken advantage of two little boys in a new city.

[ softly, but firmly, and inej unfolds her legs to stand, only to sit on the edge of the bed. she’s careful not to touch him, but she is closer, so she can get a better look at his face, brushing back his hair again. ]

You need to learn how to forgive yourself.

[ for a lot of things, but jordie, especially. ]

You did nothing wrong.

[ No, he shouldn't have. And that's what he'd ultimately paid for. Maybe if Pekka had remembered Jordie's name he would've been less harsh. Maybe.

But he hadn't. He'd crushed the lives of two young boys and hadn't even remembered their names and faces. ]

I left him. [ His voice is quiet, fingers curling into the edge of the blanket. ] In the harbor. They'd taken us both out to that island, during the plague.

[ Was it better or worse not to be left to a mass grave? ]

[ her fingers still, at that, surprised, her brow furrowing slightly in confusion.

that island... where they burned the dead, likely. why had they brought two living boys on the boats for the dead? that didn’t make any sense.

— well, unless they were dead. or they were thought to be dead. what has Kaz said earlier, that he didn’t even know when jordie had died ... which had to have meant Kaz was alive, but still on the boat? with jordie’s body? but it wouldn’t just be jordie’s body...

it paints a grisley image. inej heard stories, of the plague. of the death carriers, the stacks of bodies. and as she puts it together, it paints an image of someone on a boat surrounded by dead bodies, but still alive. ]

Oh, Kaz.

[ it’s soft, in a breath, as the pieces begin to knit together. kaz’s difficulty with touching skin, and the water . . . he had to have gotten off the boat somehow. it stirs a fierce protectiveness in her, a white hot anger that she rarely feels. ]

What I did to Pekka Rollins was not enough.

[ He hears it, the moment she puts all the pieces together. Whether she has all the right details, well, it doesn't really matter. She has the general understanding at least, for why touch petrified him for so long.

And why it still gives him problems now. He wants so badly to curl up with her, the story settling between them like a blanket. Because she understands, even if his mind is rejecting any logical argument at the current moment. But the idea of touching her right now is a little too much. ]

He won't be back, that's enough. [ All of his business has collapsed. A few more years and Rollins will just be a rumor. A warning, perhaps.

Carefully, he uncurls his fingers from the blanket, hesitantly touching the hem of her shirt. His shirt, really. Little steps, because he's tired of feeling so isolated. ]

[ he reaches for her . . . or, at least, touches the hem of the shirt she's wearing. which, indeed, is his shirt, and inej's lips twitch into a faint smile. she doesn't move to touch him yet, allowing him to set the pace, to decide when he feels ready to touch her. ]

You will conquer this.

[ it's quiet, her smile still present. ]

Do you know how I know that?

[ His thumb and forefinger rub the hem of the shirt as he works himself up to doing more. He swallows down the bit of nausea, because this is Inej. Beautiful and so very alive. If he were to put his fingers to her wrist, he'd feel the steady beat of her pulse. ]

Hm? [ His gaze finds hers in the dim light, questioning, curious. ]

[ she remains still, silently cursing her decision to not wear pants to bed on this evening. not that she could have known . . . kaz hadn't had this bad of a reaction in a long time. but he seems to be slowly warming back up to himself, watching her face, gaze focused. ]

Because you are Kaz Brekker.

[ simply.

kaz conquers everything in his path. it's a blessing, and a curse. he allows no stone unturned, no problem unsolved. there was nothing in his path that blocked him from getting his way, or solving an issue that he deemed solvable. kaz brekker would solve murders the police found unsolvable just by reading the newspaper. his brain worked a million miles per hour, whereas everyone else was just slow.

he could conquer this, if he put his mind to it. and inej knew that he would, because he had. he held her hand, and kissed her, and held her, and slept alongside her, all things that were impossible, not even three years ago, but now . . . easy. relatively.

and as she watches him play with the hem of her shirt, she adds: ]

And because I am always right.

[ usually. ]

[ Her truthful immodesty startles a quiet laugh out of him. It breaks some of the painful tension, shaking away the cobwebs of bad memories that are trying to cling on.

Because she has a point. She's almost always right and he frequently has ignored that. Usually to his detriment. ]

I'm aware. [ He moves his hand away from the hem of the shirt, fingers twirling a small curl into a lock of her hair instead. This is still safe. There's no feeling of water creeping up around his ankles. ]

Rietveld. It was originally Rietveld.

[ her eyebrows arch slightly at that, and she mulls over the last name in her head . . . it makes sense, she supposes. to just ditch the old name and find a new one, to get rid of whoever that boy was that first came to ketterdam. and the tattoo on his arm makes more sense now, too. ]

You have always been just Kaz to me, anyway.

[ after a moment, before she reaches up to pull her hair all to one side of her neck, so he has easier reach of her hair, if he wants to continue to play with it, careful not to touch his hands with her own. ]

But your secret is safe with me.

[ as always. ]

Do you want me to make you tea? To help you go back to sleep.

[ The corner of his mouth lifts as she moves her hair to drape over her shoulder. He runs his fingers through the strands, carefully working out a couple loose knots. His motion pauses at the bottom of her hair, fingertips just barely pressing against her back, the fabric of her shirt making it safer. ]

Thank you. [ And he knows that secret will follow her to the grave. Just as he keeps all of hers. ]

Okay. [ Something warm sounds...helpful. ] Can you come back to bed?

[ she nods, at his request to come back to bed, a small smile in place before she stands, moving toward the kettle in the corner. it takes only a short amount of time to light the burner underneath it and make tea, inej depositing the cup on the bedside table near kaz before she moves to her own side of the bed.

first, though, inej fishes a pair of sleep pants out of her bag and tugs them on wordlessly. it looks a little silly, with the oversized shirt, but after she does that, she slips back into bed, careful not to touch as he sips his tea. ]

Thank you, for telling me that.

[ after a moment, not quite laying down, resting on her elbows as she watches him. ]

[ He sits up and takes the cup, gently blowing across the top before taking a careful sip. It's a little too hot so he simply holds onto it for now, leaning against the headboard. ]

I should've said something a while ago.

[ Keeping it so close hadn't been fair to her. In a lot of ways, it had made it more difficult, not knowing the why. They could've avoided some accidents earlier on if he'd just said something.

But, it's all out on the table now at least. And he feels strangely relieved, despite the emotional drain. ]

You need to stop doing that.

[ her tone is only slightly chiding, watching him hold his tea, leaning back against the headboard, letting him continue to relax.

and just in case he needs additional clarification, she continues, voice soft: ]

Dwelling on what should have happened instead of what did.

[ there's no real changing what has already transpired, so the only way to look is forward, and building upon what they have now. ]

[ The tea cooling, he takes another careful sip. It seems to be helping him relax, the hot liquid settling the knots his stomach had twisted itself into. ]

I'm not very good at letting go.

[ Understatement of the century. Sometimes, that trait works out, like it did with taking down Rollins. Or when he puts together a scheme—he sees it through, doggedly.

But it also backfires, in instances like this. He also has a horrible track record of never saying goodbye, because that means letting go. However temporary or permanent that may be.

Unlearning that particular thing will take some time. He knows she's right though, it's not good to dwell. This at least is a step in the right direction. ]

I know.

[ with a slight tilt of her head, the corner of her mouth tugging upward as she watches him drink his tea. it isn't often, that he's vulnerable and willing to talk with her, even now. so she wants to take advantage of the opportunity, while he's comfortable enough to do so. ]

But letting go doesn't mean whatever happened is gone forever. Or that it hasn't changed you, or shaped you. Letting go just means opening yourself to something new.

[ she could spend eternity, dwelling on what her life could have been, before the slavers. and she did, for a good amount of time. but clawing her way to freedom has allowed her to create a new narrative, a new story. she isn't sure whether or not it's a better one, but it's the one she has now, which is what's most important. ]

[ There was no getting back his exact life before he came to Ketterdam, that he knows. And while he had wanted revenge on Pekka Rollins, he'd also known it wouldn't bring Jordie back. The dead remained dead.

But the anger had carried him through the years and it'd helped him get through some brutal days and nights spent in the Barrel. He remade himself in that time and now he's going through a similar process. Because Inej had given him an ultimatum: without armor or not at all. He thinks this time has been harder than the first, when he'd been building said armor to begin with.

Glancing over, he curls her hair around his finger again and thinks it's definitely worth it. ]

It's worked out so far.

[ he plays with her hair, and her smile widens a little, at his comment. because it has worked out so far, even through the hard parts. and she knows that it will only continue to be hard, but the end product will be worth it, at the end of the struggle.

even now, he seems to be coming back to himself. nearly back to normal, though inej doesn't move to touch him, yet. it's best to let him set the pace, whenever he has an incident like this, and she's content to remain separate while he calms down, and drinks his tea. ]

I am proud of you.

[ quietly, her tone full of affection. ]

And I love you.

[ He sips his tea and lets the silence elapse between them. Because it's comfortable, even if he feels a bit ragged. There's also the familiar desire to reach over and touch her, which had been completely possible up until an hour or so ago.

But he knows it's probably not a good idea right now. Even if the urge is overwhelming. He picks up a handful of her hair instead, kissing the strands in lieu of her cheek. ]

I love you too.

OPEN POST 2020.

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