timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ inej isn't really sure what she expected, but the blunt statement certainly was not it. and she pauses, the fork in her mouth as she digests what he said.

what follows is an undignified snort of laughter, and inej removes the fork to cover her mouth, in some (useless) attempt to be a little more graceful. it is, by and large, a failure. ]

Good advice.

[ she manages, with a grin. ]

[ He glances over at her when she snorts, mouth quirking up at the corners. Especially as she starts to laugh. And attempts to hide it.

Which goes poorly.

A couple years ago, he might've been annoyed by this. Or even felt a little hurt. At this point, he's swallowed the reality that he takes himself way too seriously and has begun to appreciate his friends doing their best to keep him grounded. So instead of scowling, he sighs dramatically. ]

I suppose it was. He did tell me not to dither on, which was a good call. [ Though Kaz has made sure to tell her how he feels in...less intense and possibly creepy terms. ] He's also responsible for the ring.

[ she can almost hear jesper instructing kaz on doing exactly that, and she grins a little, setting her fork back down on her plate to finally reach for her tea -- but she pauses, at the last bit, her eyes flickering down to the ring on her finger.

she had known that jesper was working on his gift, but she genuinely hadn't asked him about it. it was a sensitive subject, and inej could appreciate that some things, you just didn't want to talk about. the ring had already been meaningful (for obvious reasons), but the fact that jesper had made it warmed her heart so heavily that she honestly isn't prepared for the swell of emotion.

kaz and nina had been her first friends in ketterdam, but jesper had been the first to make an honest attempt to get to know her. nina and inej knew one another out of their own circumstance, and kaz had known her . . . well, because he had found her. but jesper had never shied away from her, or treated her differently, or asked questions. he had simply been warm, and gregarious, without expecting anything, and deeply cared about her because she was inej. not anything, or anyone else.

so she simply just dips forward, resting her head against his shoulder. a silent show of emotion, before she murmurs: ]

I love it.

[ Jesper had been reluctant, at first, to take on the project. Not because he disliked Inej—completely the opposite, really—but his history with his grisha powers was a bit touchy. Wylan and Nina had been particularly encouraging in getting him to even pursue learning how to control his powers and eventually start to utilize them in every day work. Now he's less shy about attempting to fabrikate things.

Kaz had caught him early on though, and convincing his friend had been over half of the battle of getting the ring made. Once he'd agreed, though, it'd been...fun. To watch him work and bat ideas back and forth. He'd suggested the ring have a knife design but Jesper had taken that and refined it. While he's sure Inej will say something to him about it, he'll reiterate his thanks; it'd come out perfect. His arm loops around her middle when she leans against him, dinner momentarily paused. ]

He'll be overjoyed. Most of the process he was worried it was going to come out as a lump of metal.

[ Even though he's successfully worked metals before. Like pulling lock picks from cell bars. And, as he's learned, helping aim when he fires his pistols. ]

It is perfect.

[ as she settles down against his side properly, still giving him room to finish his dinner, but deciding that she was much more comfortable like this . . . he would just have to deal with the potential inconvenience.

but she does nudge him in the side, carefully, with her elbow. ]

I do want you to finish that, though.

[ dinner, that is.

she might coax him into something to help him sleep, if his leg continues to be horrible, and it would be easier with food than without. ]

[ It is a little inconvenient to eat while one of his arms is pinned. But, he's reluctant to reclaim said arm. So he just uses his other hand, finishing up his dinner in comfortable silence.

Once he's done, he snuggles a little closer to Inej, feeling that drowsiness again. The pain in his leg has calmed enough that he can flex his foot at the very least. He isn't sure about putting weight on it just yet. ]

So, there's typically...a celebration of sorts. [ Hey did she think the courthouse and the Church were the only things to contend with? ]

[ she's about to get up to move the tray when he decides to make himself comfortable. and inej lets him rest for a moment before she gently kisses his temple, shifting a little to kneel so she can collect the tray and dishes. ]

I would have thought you would want to skip all that.

[ amused, as she scoots off the bed (temporarily!) to set the tray on a bedside table. but once that's out of the way, inej moves to their closet to tug down a quilt from the top shelf, so she can drape it over them both as she settles herself next to him.

it was easier to just get a new blanket than shift him out of the way to get to their comforter below. ]

Feel better?

[ When she goes to move, he lets her go reluctantly. Even though it's totally sensible to not have the tray over his legs.

She does return with a quilt and re-settles next to him, and he gladly resumes cuddling up close. While attempting to move his leg as little as possible. Thankfully, she's aware of it and seems to bridge the gap.]

I thought I'd want to as well. [ Gatherings are just not his style. He's just not that great with people. Though he has gotten better since he's started breaking the terrible habits he picked up while growing up in the Barrel. Namely: keeping his emotions to himself. That's definitely seen an improvement, but his initial reaction is still to keep everything as low key as possible.

And yet, the more he thought about it, the more he felt like he wanted at least one time with as many of their friends in one spot. It might as well be for something happy for once.

(There's also the matter of him wanting everyone to know just how much this means. How much Inej means. That's a little embarrassing to admit, even to himself.) ]

Getting there. The pain's stopped shooting up my thigh, so that's an improvement.

[ she shifts herself a little bit to tuck her legs underneath herself, so she's a little bit taller, and can reach to gently stroke his hair as he leans against her. the news about his leg is good . . . or, well, better than expected. and he feels relaxed, so maybe the pain medication isn't necessary after all.

she hums to herself, though, at his comment: ]

You want a party? A wedding? With people?

[ she sounds a little surprised, as she continues to play with his hair. and she shifts her hand a little, to feel his forehead, feigning concern. ]

Are you feeling ill?

[ After she sits up a little, he carefully shifts to sink further towards the pillows. And maybe a bit more towards her. His eyes close as she runs her fingers through his hair, the gesture extremely soothing. ]

I know it sounds far-fetched. [ It's extremely uncharacteristic for him, really. All that socializing? So tiring. ]

The last time we were all in one place was the end of the Van Eck job. [ Nina's visited at least once between then and now. But she'd shown up while Jesper and Wylan had gone to visit Colm Fahey. Ships passing in the night. ]

I'd like a better memory than that.

[ her fingers still, at that, and she ducks her head a little to press her lips against his forehead, deep in thought for a moment.

she’s a little surprised, by the answer, though inej knows she shouldn’t be. that that specific memory has stuck in his head. but he has always had a difficult time with letting go of loss. and he is right; that is the last time they were all together. ]

Okay.

[ finally, resuming stroking her fingers through his hair, the warmth returning to her tone. ]

We can have a party.

[ There's a pause and he can tell she's thinking. He can't really see her face, even if he opened his eyes. Not with her lips pressed to his forehead. So there's not a way for him to read her expression and get an idea of what's crossing her mind.

He doesn't interrupt her though, letting her work out her decision. And he turns it over again in his head, wondering if it really is a good idea. There's definitely an emotionally strong pull to do it. Because even if he's seen Nina since then, the memory of all of them together is one where they'd been standing on the shore, Matthias' body carefully settled on the bottom of the boat. He won't ever forget it, but he wants something better to remember. To help take the edge off of that memory. ]

Can you write to Zenik and see when that government of hers will let her visit?

I may have better luck going directly to the King.

[ dryly, continuing to run her fingers through his hair, her tone not very impressed. breaking into the ice court had to be harder than breaking into the royal ravkan palace, and not much can stop the wraith when she wants to get into a building.

but inej will try a letter first. and then threatening nikolai to let nina come home. that seems to be the natural next step, at any rate. ]

But it is not like we are in any rush.

[ with a slight squeeze. ]

So we can plan whatever we would like.

I can probably pull strings with Sturmhond if it comes to it.

[ Nikolai. Whatever. It's easier to think of him as the privateer, since that was his first impression. They've helped each other out since the false auction—mostly passing information back and forth. Kaz has also given him more tips on how to stop sounding so formal with his Kerch.

Either way, between the two of them, he's fairly sure they can bully the Ravkan king into letting Nina visit if needed. ]

I'll ask Jesper and Wylan what their schedules look like. I'm sure they'll want to hear how this went, at any rate.

[ Though considering he hasn't shown up at their door looking miserable, they could probably guess. At that thought, he settles his hand on her knee, slowly stroking down her leg and then back up. Touching just because she's close. And maybe because the angle isn't super great to kiss her, so this will have to do. ]

[ the touch to her leg causes her to smile a little, relaxed. and she hums to herself at the comment about jesper and wylan. ]

I'm sure they have a guess.

[ not because kaz hasn't come to their doorstop looking miserable, but because inej is pretty sure jesper (who has known inej for nearly as long as kaz) knows there was no other answer but yes. ]

Did you really think I was going to say no?

[ This is nice, being curled so close and just. Being with each other.

He isn't sure why he was so worried. Not after everything they've been through. And how much they've pushed and scraped to make this possible. ]

There was a little while in the beginning I was convinced that "no" was going to be the answer. [ During one of her longer stints away, the anxiety had gotten the best of him. It hadn't made any sense, but sometimes it just didn't. Still, he'd been worried both about never seeing her again—because of a storm or something equally horrible—and that all the time away would change her perspective. ]

Then I thought it was maybe too ridiculous.

Too ridiculous.

[ a soft hum to herself, as she brushes the hair off of his forehead, eyes bright. it's almost . . . silly, because truthfully, inej has thought about this a lot. what marrying kaz would be like. or having a family. a shred of normalcy, in an abnormal life.

it usually ended exactly how kaz is saying, that it would be ridiculous. but there's always been a lingering want, or a curiosity, on whether it was possible.

she had ultimately decided that anything was possible, if they tried. because if they failed, they could just try again. and again, and again, until they succeeded.

their collective stubbornness worked, because . . . well, here they were. ]

I used to think about this a lot, before I left Ketterdam. Marrying you.

[ thoughtfully, letting her fingertips rest on his head. ]

[ As with most things, he's thought about this quite a bit. First, over whether he should or not. And then over whether he actually wanted it or if he was just subconsciously following some sort of life path others had done.

Then it had been figuring out where and when he wanted to do it. The ring itself hadn't presented much problem—he'd known Inej would prefer something different and understated. And once Jesper had been convinced, it hadn't been all that difficult to settle on a design.

The first parts had certainly taken the most time, because sorting through his feelings was still a difficult task. It'd been harder when he first thought of it. She hadn't seemed particularly interested in getting married, having never really mentioned it. Their conversation in the kitchen had given him a better idea of what she thought; even though he certainly had made up his mind at that point. ]

Did you? Even then?

[ Color him surprised. ]

[ she resumes running her fingers through his hair, thoughtful. she usually doesn't talk very much, at length, but it feels right to do so. besides, it's only kaz. it isn't as if whatever she says will leave this room. ]

I spent a long time thinking I wasn't worthy of being loved.

[ it's a painful thing to admit, because she feels so differently, now. but the menagerie had removed a piece of her soul that inej has fought very hard to reclaim. and trusting someone enough to love her also seemed out of reach. being loved, or wanted, or treasured just seemed impossible after the torment heleen had put her through. ]

And I used to think about what that would look like, being loved. Or cared about, or valued. Seen. [ her expectations, in ketterdam, slowly lowered the longer she spent in the barrel, but -- ] Once I decided it was possible for me, I decided it was possible for you, too.

[ she releases a small sigh, at that. ]

It was just a silly daydream until I tasted freedom, and then it felt like something worth fighting for.

[ The thing about the both of them is that they had to work at being vulnerable. They're fiercely independent people and valued that trait; they knew how to handle themselves when shit got tough, as they've proved time and again.

And while Inej was better at saying how she felt–definitely she had a head start on him–there were still some things she had a hard time with. Talking about the Menagerie at all was still difficult and he knows there's so much he doesn't know. Stuff that she's wanted to lock away and never speak of again.

So when she explains more, about her thought process, he simply listens, still gently stroking along her leg.

It's strange to think she hadn't felt worthy of being loved. Kaz, despite all of his sharp edges and attempts to keep away simply hadn't been able to. Jesper and Nina were fiercely protective of Inej, the adoring friends that they were. She had this way about her that made her almost instantly likeable. Lovable, if one spent more than an hour with her.

(But he knows the Menagerie stripped so much of a person's self away. It seems he's always finding new ways to hate Tante Heleen.) ]

I might've doubted asking you to marry me, but I never second guessed how much I loved you. [ Even during the time when he'd been desperately trying not to. He'd known deep down what it was.

Carefully, he sits up a little, cupping her face with one hand, thumb brushing across her cheek. ] I'm thankful every day that I stepped into that place.

[ when van eck had taken her, inej had truly thought she was on her own. that she had burned the last bridge she had with kaz, in demanding something of him that he couldn't give her, and in getting herself kidnapped, she had removed the one thing she had going for her, in the dregs -- the wraith could not get caught.

van eck knew that, obviously. and seemed to know every single thing to pull at her heartstrings. he knew who she was, and what mattered to her. he knew that she felt alone. he threatened to break her legs not because it would hurt, but because it would ruin her. and inej genuinely didn't believe anyone in the dregs would come find her, until they did.

she's known that jesper and nina have always liked her, but never really thought that they would ever sacrifice their own freedom or well-being for her. that just wasn't done. nina had wanted to go home, and jesper had needed to get out of debt -- there's really no contest, in weighing inej's life to their own self-interests. but they had risked it, to save her. and kaz had, too, jeopardized everything he had worked for in the barrel to save her, in challenging van eck.

after that, inej felt more comfortable, with the idea that she was loved. but it was still a little bit of a journey. and, if she's honest, it's still a work in progress today. which is why her eyes look suspiciously wet, as he takes her face in his hand, and a small laugh escapes before she turns her face to kiss the palm of his hand, expression warm and grateful.

she doesn't say anything out loud, but she knows. ]

OPEN POST 2020.

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