timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ When she goes to move, he lets her go reluctantly. Even though it's totally sensible to not have the tray over his legs.

She does return with a quilt and re-settles next to him, and he gladly resumes cuddling up close. While attempting to move his leg as little as possible. Thankfully, she's aware of it and seems to bridge the gap.]

I thought I'd want to as well. [ Gatherings are just not his style. He's just not that great with people. Though he has gotten better since he's started breaking the terrible habits he picked up while growing up in the Barrel. Namely: keeping his emotions to himself. That's definitely seen an improvement, but his initial reaction is still to keep everything as low key as possible.

And yet, the more he thought about it, the more he felt like he wanted at least one time with as many of their friends in one spot. It might as well be for something happy for once.

(There's also the matter of him wanting everyone to know just how much this means. How much Inej means. That's a little embarrassing to admit, even to himself.) ]

Getting there. The pain's stopped shooting up my thigh, so that's an improvement.

[ she shifts herself a little bit to tuck her legs underneath herself, so she's a little bit taller, and can reach to gently stroke his hair as he leans against her. the news about his leg is good . . . or, well, better than expected. and he feels relaxed, so maybe the pain medication isn't necessary after all.

she hums to herself, though, at his comment: ]

You want a party? A wedding? With people?

[ she sounds a little surprised, as she continues to play with his hair. and she shifts her hand a little, to feel his forehead, feigning concern. ]

Are you feeling ill?

[ After she sits up a little, he carefully shifts to sink further towards the pillows. And maybe a bit more towards her. His eyes close as she runs her fingers through his hair, the gesture extremely soothing. ]

I know it sounds far-fetched. [ It's extremely uncharacteristic for him, really. All that socializing? So tiring. ]

The last time we were all in one place was the end of the Van Eck job. [ Nina's visited at least once between then and now. But she'd shown up while Jesper and Wylan had gone to visit Colm Fahey. Ships passing in the night. ]

I'd like a better memory than that.

[ her fingers still, at that, and she ducks her head a little to press her lips against his forehead, deep in thought for a moment.

she’s a little surprised, by the answer, though inej knows she shouldn’t be. that that specific memory has stuck in his head. but he has always had a difficult time with letting go of loss. and he is right; that is the last time they were all together. ]

Okay.

[ finally, resuming stroking her fingers through his hair, the warmth returning to her tone. ]

We can have a party.

[ There's a pause and he can tell she's thinking. He can't really see her face, even if he opened his eyes. Not with her lips pressed to his forehead. So there's not a way for him to read her expression and get an idea of what's crossing her mind.

He doesn't interrupt her though, letting her work out her decision. And he turns it over again in his head, wondering if it really is a good idea. There's definitely an emotionally strong pull to do it. Because even if he's seen Nina since then, the memory of all of them together is one where they'd been standing on the shore, Matthias' body carefully settled on the bottom of the boat. He won't ever forget it, but he wants something better to remember. To help take the edge off of that memory. ]

Can you write to Zenik and see when that government of hers will let her visit?

I may have better luck going directly to the King.

[ dryly, continuing to run her fingers through his hair, her tone not very impressed. breaking into the ice court had to be harder than breaking into the royal ravkan palace, and not much can stop the wraith when she wants to get into a building.

but inej will try a letter first. and then threatening nikolai to let nina come home. that seems to be the natural next step, at any rate. ]

But it is not like we are in any rush.

[ with a slight squeeze. ]

So we can plan whatever we would like.

I can probably pull strings with Sturmhond if it comes to it.

[ Nikolai. Whatever. It's easier to think of him as the privateer, since that was his first impression. They've helped each other out since the false auction—mostly passing information back and forth. Kaz has also given him more tips on how to stop sounding so formal with his Kerch.

Either way, between the two of them, he's fairly sure they can bully the Ravkan king into letting Nina visit if needed. ]

I'll ask Jesper and Wylan what their schedules look like. I'm sure they'll want to hear how this went, at any rate.

[ Though considering he hasn't shown up at their door looking miserable, they could probably guess. At that thought, he settles his hand on her knee, slowly stroking down her leg and then back up. Touching just because she's close. And maybe because the angle isn't super great to kiss her, so this will have to do. ]

[ the touch to her leg causes her to smile a little, relaxed. and she hums to herself at the comment about jesper and wylan. ]

I'm sure they have a guess.

[ not because kaz hasn't come to their doorstop looking miserable, but because inej is pretty sure jesper (who has known inej for nearly as long as kaz) knows there was no other answer but yes. ]

Did you really think I was going to say no?

[ This is nice, being curled so close and just. Being with each other.

He isn't sure why he was so worried. Not after everything they've been through. And how much they've pushed and scraped to make this possible. ]

There was a little while in the beginning I was convinced that "no" was going to be the answer. [ During one of her longer stints away, the anxiety had gotten the best of him. It hadn't made any sense, but sometimes it just didn't. Still, he'd been worried both about never seeing her again—because of a storm or something equally horrible—and that all the time away would change her perspective. ]

Then I thought it was maybe too ridiculous.

Too ridiculous.

[ a soft hum to herself, as she brushes the hair off of his forehead, eyes bright. it's almost . . . silly, because truthfully, inej has thought about this a lot. what marrying kaz would be like. or having a family. a shred of normalcy, in an abnormal life.

it usually ended exactly how kaz is saying, that it would be ridiculous. but there's always been a lingering want, or a curiosity, on whether it was possible.

she had ultimately decided that anything was possible, if they tried. because if they failed, they could just try again. and again, and again, until they succeeded.

their collective stubbornness worked, because . . . well, here they were. ]

I used to think about this a lot, before I left Ketterdam. Marrying you.

[ thoughtfully, letting her fingertips rest on his head. ]

[ As with most things, he's thought about this quite a bit. First, over whether he should or not. And then over whether he actually wanted it or if he was just subconsciously following some sort of life path others had done.

Then it had been figuring out where and when he wanted to do it. The ring itself hadn't presented much problem—he'd known Inej would prefer something different and understated. And once Jesper had been convinced, it hadn't been all that difficult to settle on a design.

The first parts had certainly taken the most time, because sorting through his feelings was still a difficult task. It'd been harder when he first thought of it. She hadn't seemed particularly interested in getting married, having never really mentioned it. Their conversation in the kitchen had given him a better idea of what she thought; even though he certainly had made up his mind at that point. ]

Did you? Even then?

[ Color him surprised. ]

[ she resumes running her fingers through his hair, thoughtful. she usually doesn't talk very much, at length, but it feels right to do so. besides, it's only kaz. it isn't as if whatever she says will leave this room. ]

I spent a long time thinking I wasn't worthy of being loved.

[ it's a painful thing to admit, because she feels so differently, now. but the menagerie had removed a piece of her soul that inej has fought very hard to reclaim. and trusting someone enough to love her also seemed out of reach. being loved, or wanted, or treasured just seemed impossible after the torment heleen had put her through. ]

And I used to think about what that would look like, being loved. Or cared about, or valued. Seen. [ her expectations, in ketterdam, slowly lowered the longer she spent in the barrel, but -- ] Once I decided it was possible for me, I decided it was possible for you, too.

[ she releases a small sigh, at that. ]

It was just a silly daydream until I tasted freedom, and then it felt like something worth fighting for.

[ The thing about the both of them is that they had to work at being vulnerable. They're fiercely independent people and valued that trait; they knew how to handle themselves when shit got tough, as they've proved time and again.

And while Inej was better at saying how she felt–definitely she had a head start on him–there were still some things she had a hard time with. Talking about the Menagerie at all was still difficult and he knows there's so much he doesn't know. Stuff that she's wanted to lock away and never speak of again.

So when she explains more, about her thought process, he simply listens, still gently stroking along her leg.

It's strange to think she hadn't felt worthy of being loved. Kaz, despite all of his sharp edges and attempts to keep away simply hadn't been able to. Jesper and Nina were fiercely protective of Inej, the adoring friends that they were. She had this way about her that made her almost instantly likeable. Lovable, if one spent more than an hour with her.

(But he knows the Menagerie stripped so much of a person's self away. It seems he's always finding new ways to hate Tante Heleen.) ]

I might've doubted asking you to marry me, but I never second guessed how much I loved you. [ Even during the time when he'd been desperately trying not to. He'd known deep down what it was.

Carefully, he sits up a little, cupping her face with one hand, thumb brushing across her cheek. ] I'm thankful every day that I stepped into that place.

[ when van eck had taken her, inej had truly thought she was on her own. that she had burned the last bridge she had with kaz, in demanding something of him that he couldn't give her, and in getting herself kidnapped, she had removed the one thing she had going for her, in the dregs -- the wraith could not get caught.

van eck knew that, obviously. and seemed to know every single thing to pull at her heartstrings. he knew who she was, and what mattered to her. he knew that she felt alone. he threatened to break her legs not because it would hurt, but because it would ruin her. and inej genuinely didn't believe anyone in the dregs would come find her, until they did.

she's known that jesper and nina have always liked her, but never really thought that they would ever sacrifice their own freedom or well-being for her. that just wasn't done. nina had wanted to go home, and jesper had needed to get out of debt -- there's really no contest, in weighing inej's life to their own self-interests. but they had risked it, to save her. and kaz had, too, jeopardized everything he had worked for in the barrel to save her, in challenging van eck.

after that, inej felt more comfortable, with the idea that she was loved. but it was still a little bit of a journey. and, if she's honest, it's still a work in progress today. which is why her eyes look suspiciously wet, as he takes her face in his hand, and a small laugh escapes before she turns her face to kiss the palm of his hand, expression warm and grateful.

she doesn't say anything out loud, but she knows. ]

OPEN POST 2020.

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