timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ He's absorbed in keeping some pressure on a cut across his chest when he senses her return through the window. Of course she would come back while they're all still licking their wounds. She'd grown up in the Barrel too, developing a second sense of when things went sideways.

Carefully, he pulls some of the damp cloth away from the gash, inspecting it critically for a moment before compressing again. At least it's slowed to a sluggish drip. ]

Razorgulls wanted us to cede territory. [ He looks over and shrugs. Gingerly. ] I went to go tell them to back off. A few of their new recruits hit like a sledgehammer.

[ she nears the desk to look through the first aid kit, to try and figure out what she can do to help without accidentally setting off a reaction, but her fingers pause on a set of bandages, surprised.

she liked to think she had her finger on the pulse of what ketterdam was experiencing, but most of her information comes from kaz. she asks, and he typically tells her, catching her up on what's happened in her absence. but she hadn't known that something like this was going to happen, especially kaz dealing with it personally.

if he had, she would have gone with him. ]

You did not tell me you were going to deal with them today.

[ she doesn't sound upset (yet), as she picks up the bandages, carefully unfurling them, but the statement indicates wading into dangerous territory. ]

[ Since she's been in and out of the city, he typically catches her up on things. What's happened or is happening. Ideas he has for future schemes—she always has good input and asks questions the rest wouldn't think of. But he doesn't always tell her about the sort of "every day" things with running the Barrel. It's frivolous and stupid and she already knows what his typical day can look like.

He's not going to bore her when they can talk about other things.

So as he pulls the cloth away again and goes to spread some balm across the cut, he isn't sure why she's bringing that up. ]

It was simple. You know how it is. [ Sometimes things just boil over. ]

[ she's almost . . . a little stunned, at the answer, her fingers pausing in unwrapping the bandages. it's probably stupid, to feel surprised. after all, kaz doesn't owe her every single detail about his day. but it feels as if he deliberately hid this from her, to keep her out of it, which sinks underneath her skin uncomfortably, causing a twist in her stomach. ]

So this was your plan, when I left for the day?

[ she's honestly trying not to sound upset, her tone still level and carefully kept, but her words are deliberate, each one punctuated with a crispness that usually only happens when she's not happy. ]

Or did you not know?

It wasn't planned to the letter, but I had a feeling it was going to happen.

[ The Razorgulls were more patient than the Black Tips, but certainly didn't outpace his own. He knew they were going to make some kind of threat or move. And then decided to partially take the wind out of their sails by hitting first. ]

You had plans and this wasn't all that complicated. [ Of course, it is perhaps not helping that he says this as he moves to another gash to clean off, fresh blood welling to the surface. ]

[ he sounds so unconcerned, which only serves to grate underneath her skin further, and inej twists the bandages around her fingers, jaw settling into a firm line. ]

It looks complicated, to me. [ not fatal wounds, but not shallow, either. ] Why would you hide that from me?

[ and now, now inej allows the annoyance (and maybe a little hurt) leak into her tone, continuing to remain near the desk, posture rigid. like a tense wire, ready to snap. ]

I would have rearranged my plans. I could have been backup.

[ it isn’t as if Jesper or Wylan would have minded. they would have understood. ]

It didn't go completely as I'd imagined. But these things usually have more room for error.

[ Which she knows. She's been in enough street fights to understand how chaotic they can be, even if he's pulling strings and anticipating how they'll react.

But she's...ah. Kaz glances up from cleaning off, taking in her stiff posture and registering the annoyance in her voice. Irritation. Anger, maybe? Sometimes it's hard to tell with her. His eyebrows go up in surprise at the ferocity of the emotion—she's typically so level headed—and then furrow when she asks why he didn't tell her. ]

It didn't seem like something to bother you with. I had plenty of backup.

[ Anika, Roeder, Pim; all were quite capable. Anika in particular has grown leaps and bounds. None of them are Inej, of course, but he doesn't always have her here.

And when he does: ] Besides, you're here for a break.

[ if his earlier assertion hadn't confirmed that he deliberately did not tell her to leave her out, his explanation drives the nail into the coffin, and she drops the bandages back into the first aid kit, her tone slipping into a low frustration. ]

No, I am here for whatever I want to be here for.

[ whether that is a break, or to see her friends, or unearth more slavers in ketterdam, or to do none of the above. ]

And if I want to be your backup, then I will be your backup. You do not get to manage what I do with my time in the city, and I --

[ but she stops herself, there, inhaling sharply through her nose before exhaling slowly, turning her attention back to the first aid kit, picking up the bandage to re-roll it, frustrated, letting the thought hang unfinished as she does so. ]

[ Perhaps she's a bit beyond simply annoyed. Her words are coming out more heated than he's used to hearing. Usually reserved for occasions when he's encroaching on extreme stupidity.

He frowns, poking at the sides of the cut he's just cleaned off and deciding that one probably could use a couple stitches. ]

And you what? [ Kaz threads the needle, easily stitching in three loops and trimming it off. She's holding the bandages hostage so he'll have to just wait. ]

Look, I adjusted to not having you here. That's all this was. And I know you were looking forward to seeing Jes and Wylan. It didn't make sense to bother you with something trivial.

This --

[ and she gestures at the stitches, putting the bandages back in his first aid kit, returning her hands to cross her arms over her chest, jaw set. ]

-- is not trivial.

[ anything that requires stitches is not trivial. and adjusting to not having her here only rankles further, because that is not the point, and only confirms her fears that he is just as reckless and stupid without her here as she thinks about when she is on board the wraith, nervous and lying awake wondering what he is doing. ]

And I -- [ clearly picking up where she left off, per kaz's request . . . or, at least, it seems like it for half a moment, before she continues. ] -- have nothing further to say on it, as it is clearly not wanted.

Come on, Inej, this is basically nothing. [ Seriously, he's had worse. She's watched him take worse. ] Nothing's broken, they didn't even try to stab me.

[ Unusual, but he'll take his wins. Then again, they did tackle him to the ground, which didn't normally happen. ]

I've dealt with this while you were here and while you haven't been here. Same shit, different day. [ Annoyed, he plucks the rolled up bandages out of the kit, wrapping the cut he stitched. ]

Why are you so bent out of shape?

[ if this were a handful of years ago, inej would have just left. it was better to just slip out of the window and fume on the roof than entertain kaz brekker and his selfishness. but it was different, now, that they were together. they were supposed to be on the same page in a different way than they were before, and maybe that's why this is getting underneath their skin, because if their roles had been reversed, kaz would be furious.

it's also not often that inej is angry. or loses her temper. she usually feels like it's a waste of time. but something about this just infuriates her, and her eyes flash, at his last question. ]

I am bent out of shape because I spend months at sea wondering whether or not you are alive because you no longer have me to watch your back.

[ it's said in aggravation, fingers curling into her forearms, her arms still crossed tightly over her chest. ]

And I am bent out of shape because you are reckless, and arrogant, and think you are infallible, and that because you are the smartest person in the room, you cannot bleed like everyone else in this city. And because you deliberately hid this from me, and did not give me the choice of deciding whether I wanted to help, and decided for me. And because I love you, and I do not want to see you hurt, and if I had been there, that would not have happened because no one would have gotten that close.

[ and she glares at him, lips pursed together tightly, eyes dark with frustration. ]

Should I keep going? Or is that enough to satisfy your request?

[ Oh. He's pissed her off. That should mollify him, because she never loses her temper. Even when she'd given him the ultimatum—without armor or not at all—she hadn't exactly been angry. Frustrated, maybe. Fed up.

Something about some of her words needle him though, and sometimes he just doesn't know when to quit. He drops the bandages on the desk and stands up abruptly, clearly irritated. ]

I've bled for this city just as much as anyone else, I know what it demands. [ His tone is low and dark; Ketterdam has taken and taken, the greedy place that it is. ]

And you know I can take care of myself, so I don't need—

[ Kaz stops abruptly, registering two things. One, they're on a similar page, arguing at it from two different angles. Which is. Very like them.

Two, there's something way more frightening settling in the air between them. Because now that he recognizes it, he just stares at her in a bit of shock, any other argument drying up. ]

You- what?

[ kaz makes it about three words into his first sentence before inej rolls her eyes, uncurling her fingers from her forearms to wave a hand dismissively, annoyed. ]

Save the dramatic lecture on what Ketterdam demands, Kaz Brekker, because I do not want to hear it, and I do not care.

[ a bit bluntly, seemingly not recognizing (or, really, not caring) that he's suddenly stopped the argument and looking at her like a deer caught in the headlights. ]

And wipe the stupid look off of your face and start listening, for once in your life, or do you need to hear more? Because I am also fed up with your asinine double-standard, because whenever I get myself into trouble, you act as if it is the end of the world, when I have proven that I can take care of myself, but I am not allowed the same amount of care and concern for your being.

[ and she sucks in a breath, obviously annoyed, before she gestures at him, aggravated. ]

Are you going to apologize or are you going to continue staring at me with your mouth open like an idiot?

[ Well, he hears what else she has to say. He's not entirely sure any of it sinks in, because he's still reeling from the revelation a few moments ago. When she waves his first argument aside he can't even work up the barest annoyance.

Nothing else seems to matter since. Holy fuck, she said she loves him. And that scares him more than anything the Barrel has ever managed. Because he knows, intrinsically, that he feels the same. Or a close approximation. But it's all too much, too big. He's still overwhelmed by the idea that she continues to come back to Ketterdam to see him at all.

At the very least, he manages to understand she wants an apology. ]

Sorry. [ He says weakly, leaning against the desk as if the emotions have made it more difficult to stand. ] You, uh. Do you really...?

[ she's about to snap at him again when he . . . apologizes. and it isn't a good apology. it's pathetic, actually, and inej narrows her eyes slightly, scanning his features quickly.

he looks nauseous. why does he look nauseous? and inej's eyes flicker down, toward his chest and the gash along it. simple, he argued. obviously not, if he looks like he's about to keel over.

what a literal idiot. ]

Do I what?

[ curtly, reaching out to snatch up the bandages kaz dropped, annoyed, muttering something underneath her breath in suli before she switches back to kerch, crossing around the desk. ]

Sit down so I can bandage your trivial wounds.

[ Some of the fight has dissipated, though he knows this isn't the last they're going to have of this conversation. He'll just need to come back to it when he isn't emotionally stunned; like a bird flying directly into a window.

So, he does lower himself back into the chair, still looking distracted. Spaced out, even.

How is he supposed to address this? Repeating her words is almost too much. And yet summing it up as do you care for me doesn't have the same weight. Obviously, she cares. It's the other thing he's struggling with. ]

You said you love me. [ The words come up quietly and he can feel an embarrassed flush creeping onto his cheeks. ]

[ she crosses into his space, and while they have done immensely better, in terms of touching, inej is still careful as she tries to figure out the best way to bandage his wound. and inej lines up the cloth with a frown, trying to gauge how much she needs when he finally says it.

her fingers pause in unraveling the bandage, and her eyes meet his briefly before she resumes her work. vaguely, she remembers saying that in her rush of frustration, and belatedly, she realizes that she hasn’t said that before. or, at least, she must not have, given his reaction. ]

Of course I love you.

[ she murmurs as she begins to wrap his wound, careful with her fingers to avoid touching too much. but she does sound less annoyed, at least.

or, well, until she adds, a little more curtly, under her breath: ]

I wouldn’t fight with you so much whenever you did irresponsibly stupid things like this if I didn’t.

[ She's quiet at first, clearly concentrated on the bandaging. Quite honestly, he'd been so stunned about the other part that he had barely noticed her unraveling the strip, small hands setting to work on wrapping the cut on his chest and trying not to make contact with his skin.

But, she confirms it, says it again without being in a rush, the word unmistakeable. He feels a swell of emotion he doesn't know what to do with, his entire being off balance, caught in an undertow.

It's a twofold surprise. Most of it because this is Inej, who he sacrifice anything for so long as she was happy. There's also that tiny fragment of Kaz Rietveld left over, a boy who hasn't been told that in over a decade, and he's warmed as much as he's alarmed.

Because there's also the matter that he hasn't said it to anyone in just as long. And this seems pretty important to return on, doesn't it? ]

Oh. [ Get it together, stupid podge. ] I didn't—I'm sorry I made you worry.

[ Apologizing has never been his strong suit, but he finds it easy in the face of his other option. ]

Better, but still missing the mark.

[ she says, her tone dry as she finishes tying off the bandage, smoothly it quickly against his skin with her fingertips. and once she does that, she turns back to the first aid kit to return the unused bandages to their place.

she nearly asks him if he returns the sentiment, if he loves her. it’s on the tip of her tongue, but it seems pointless. not when she’s irritated and he’s obviously bothered by her saying it in the first place.

saints, she had wanted a peaceful evening.

but as she closes the box, inej pauses, before deciding that avoiding it is pointless. she only gets so much time in ketterdam. and if she doesn’t get her answer now, then she may not for another six months.

and, honestly, kaz brekker owes her his honesty, seeing as he’s already lied to her once today. (or, rather, neglected to tell her something was happening, but same difference.) ]

Do you not love me?

[ she asks, turning to look at him, frowning to herself. ]

[ There's another reason and she said it but he's having a tough time recalling exactly what it was. The bigger emotion is taking up too much processing. Or maybe just the right amount?

Or no, normal people wouldn't freeze on the spot when their partner told them that they loved them. People say it to each other all the time. He's pretty sure Roeder says it to anyone that hands him a drink.

On top of the swirling mess of his headspace, she asks if he doesn't love her and he feels his entire stomach drop out. Literally nothing could be further from the truth.

Unfortunately for the both of them, he does something he hasn't done in a long time: he panics. ]

Yes. [ Fuck. ] Wait. No?

[ fuck!!! ]

[ when he says yes, there is actually a very brief moment of hurt that flickers across her face, and inej feels the sudden urge to just leave. why had she asked such a stupid question if she hadn’t been prepared to hear the response? why had she asked in the first place? now what is she going to do, stay at jesper’s?

—- but then he stammers over his words, and says no, and her brow furrows. did he misunderstand the question? and now, he looks pale, and inej sighs to herself. what a mess this evening is turning out to be.

so she crosses the room again to put her fingers against his lips, with a firm: ]

Stop talking. You are only digging yourself holes you cannot get out of today.

[ because he is just making it worse. and inej withdraws her hand, a frown still in place. and she chooses to simplify the question, and ask again: ]

Do you love me?

[ He does catch the flicker of hurt that crosses her face and the panic rises. Quite often, he's done similar things on purpose, tried to push her away.

But, he'd given up on doing that when she demanded it of him. So this was from a mistake, a bad one, and he feels like he's just ruined everything.

There's a correction sitting on the tip of his tongue but she silences him, fingers pressed to his lips. And there's a relief in having the question simplified, straightforward. ]

Yes, a thousand times yes. More than anything. [ More than he's ever been prepared for. When she leaves, it feels like there's a weight in the middle of his chest. There's a sense of hollowness at the same time, as if she's taken his heart with her, something to remember him by while she sails. ]

[ there's a silence as she watches him, and she opens her mouth to say something once he's finally spit it out, but the words fail her. there's a warmth that washes over her, at hearing it (or, well, hearing something, because he hasn't actually said it, but the bar has always been lower for kaz than most people). because truthfully, inej knows that he does. or, at least, she can figure it out by example.

no one else would do all of this for her if they didn't very deeply love her. but it's different to hear it, out loud. it almost feels permanent, spoken in that way. and it's terrifying, but also wonderful, and she wants to hear it again.

but there's still the matter of the fact that she's still annoyed with him for being such a moron. that has to be settled, first.

so she steps closer to take his face in her hands, dipping down to kiss him gently -- without much warning, which is probably a mistake, but she can't really find it in herself to care. ]

I love you more than anything, too.

[ it's said softly, running her thumbs over his cheeks . . . before she then removes her hands to (gently) swat him upside the head. ]

So do not hide something like that from me again.

[ her tone is a little less flat than it had been previously, but she adds something underneath her breath that sounds very close to moron in suli, adjusting the collar of his (ruined) shirt. ]

Go change so you can recover.

[ Her hands come up to his face—something he's gotten relatively used to—and she leans in for a kiss. Which he does sort of brace himself for. Thankfully, his mind still seems distracted by the panic a few moments ago. And now by the sheer relief that he doesn't have an adverse reaction when her lips brush his.

Instead, it's warmth blooming under the skin. A good day, he thinks. Aside from...well, everything else. He sighs into the kiss, leaning a bit into it before she pulls away.

Of course, he is startled when she swats him. Even if he deserves it. ]

Alright. [ That he can agree to, even if his knee jerk reaction is to keep her out of it. But she has sound judgment, much more than his on a daily basis, as she's proven time and again. If she feels like she can help, she will.

He pushes his chair back and grabs his cane, hobbling towards the bedroom. Cleaning off and changing takes a bit more time than usual, with so many stinging bruises, but he manages it and eventually takes a seat on the bed. ]

How was your visit?

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