timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ kaz makes it about three words into his first sentence before inej rolls her eyes, uncurling her fingers from her forearms to wave a hand dismissively, annoyed. ]

Save the dramatic lecture on what Ketterdam demands, Kaz Brekker, because I do not want to hear it, and I do not care.

[ a bit bluntly, seemingly not recognizing (or, really, not caring) that he's suddenly stopped the argument and looking at her like a deer caught in the headlights. ]

And wipe the stupid look off of your face and start listening, for once in your life, or do you need to hear more? Because I am also fed up with your asinine double-standard, because whenever I get myself into trouble, you act as if it is the end of the world, when I have proven that I can take care of myself, but I am not allowed the same amount of care and concern for your being.

[ and she sucks in a breath, obviously annoyed, before she gestures at him, aggravated. ]

Are you going to apologize or are you going to continue staring at me with your mouth open like an idiot?

[ Well, he hears what else she has to say. He's not entirely sure any of it sinks in, because he's still reeling from the revelation a few moments ago. When she waves his first argument aside he can't even work up the barest annoyance.

Nothing else seems to matter since. Holy fuck, she said she loves him. And that scares him more than anything the Barrel has ever managed. Because he knows, intrinsically, that he feels the same. Or a close approximation. But it's all too much, too big. He's still overwhelmed by the idea that she continues to come back to Ketterdam to see him at all.

At the very least, he manages to understand she wants an apology. ]

Sorry. [ He says weakly, leaning against the desk as if the emotions have made it more difficult to stand. ] You, uh. Do you really...?

[ she's about to snap at him again when he . . . apologizes. and it isn't a good apology. it's pathetic, actually, and inej narrows her eyes slightly, scanning his features quickly.

he looks nauseous. why does he look nauseous? and inej's eyes flicker down, toward his chest and the gash along it. simple, he argued. obviously not, if he looks like he's about to keel over.

what a literal idiot. ]

Do I what?

[ curtly, reaching out to snatch up the bandages kaz dropped, annoyed, muttering something underneath her breath in suli before she switches back to kerch, crossing around the desk. ]

Sit down so I can bandage your trivial wounds.

[ Some of the fight has dissipated, though he knows this isn't the last they're going to have of this conversation. He'll just need to come back to it when he isn't emotionally stunned; like a bird flying directly into a window.

So, he does lower himself back into the chair, still looking distracted. Spaced out, even.

How is he supposed to address this? Repeating her words is almost too much. And yet summing it up as do you care for me doesn't have the same weight. Obviously, she cares. It's the other thing he's struggling with. ]

You said you love me. [ The words come up quietly and he can feel an embarrassed flush creeping onto his cheeks. ]

[ she crosses into his space, and while they have done immensely better, in terms of touching, inej is still careful as she tries to figure out the best way to bandage his wound. and inej lines up the cloth with a frown, trying to gauge how much she needs when he finally says it.

her fingers pause in unraveling the bandage, and her eyes meet his briefly before she resumes her work. vaguely, she remembers saying that in her rush of frustration, and belatedly, she realizes that she hasn’t said that before. or, at least, she must not have, given his reaction. ]

Of course I love you.

[ she murmurs as she begins to wrap his wound, careful with her fingers to avoid touching too much. but she does sound less annoyed, at least.

or, well, until she adds, a little more curtly, under her breath: ]

I wouldn’t fight with you so much whenever you did irresponsibly stupid things like this if I didn’t.

[ She's quiet at first, clearly concentrated on the bandaging. Quite honestly, he'd been so stunned about the other part that he had barely noticed her unraveling the strip, small hands setting to work on wrapping the cut on his chest and trying not to make contact with his skin.

But, she confirms it, says it again without being in a rush, the word unmistakeable. He feels a swell of emotion he doesn't know what to do with, his entire being off balance, caught in an undertow.

It's a twofold surprise. Most of it because this is Inej, who he sacrifice anything for so long as she was happy. There's also that tiny fragment of Kaz Rietveld left over, a boy who hasn't been told that in over a decade, and he's warmed as much as he's alarmed.

Because there's also the matter that he hasn't said it to anyone in just as long. And this seems pretty important to return on, doesn't it? ]

Oh. [ Get it together, stupid podge. ] I didn't—I'm sorry I made you worry.

[ Apologizing has never been his strong suit, but he finds it easy in the face of his other option. ]

Better, but still missing the mark.

[ she says, her tone dry as she finishes tying off the bandage, smoothly it quickly against his skin with her fingertips. and once she does that, she turns back to the first aid kit to return the unused bandages to their place.

she nearly asks him if he returns the sentiment, if he loves her. it’s on the tip of her tongue, but it seems pointless. not when she’s irritated and he’s obviously bothered by her saying it in the first place.

saints, she had wanted a peaceful evening.

but as she closes the box, inej pauses, before deciding that avoiding it is pointless. she only gets so much time in ketterdam. and if she doesn’t get her answer now, then she may not for another six months.

and, honestly, kaz brekker owes her his honesty, seeing as he’s already lied to her once today. (or, rather, neglected to tell her something was happening, but same difference.) ]

Do you not love me?

[ she asks, turning to look at him, frowning to herself. ]

[ There's another reason and she said it but he's having a tough time recalling exactly what it was. The bigger emotion is taking up too much processing. Or maybe just the right amount?

Or no, normal people wouldn't freeze on the spot when their partner told them that they loved them. People say it to each other all the time. He's pretty sure Roeder says it to anyone that hands him a drink.

On top of the swirling mess of his headspace, she asks if he doesn't love her and he feels his entire stomach drop out. Literally nothing could be further from the truth.

Unfortunately for the both of them, he does something he hasn't done in a long time: he panics. ]

Yes. [ Fuck. ] Wait. No?

[ fuck!!! ]

[ when he says yes, there is actually a very brief moment of hurt that flickers across her face, and inej feels the sudden urge to just leave. why had she asked such a stupid question if she hadn’t been prepared to hear the response? why had she asked in the first place? now what is she going to do, stay at jesper’s?

—- but then he stammers over his words, and says no, and her brow furrows. did he misunderstand the question? and now, he looks pale, and inej sighs to herself. what a mess this evening is turning out to be.

so she crosses the room again to put her fingers against his lips, with a firm: ]

Stop talking. You are only digging yourself holes you cannot get out of today.

[ because he is just making it worse. and inej withdraws her hand, a frown still in place. and she chooses to simplify the question, and ask again: ]

Do you love me?

[ He does catch the flicker of hurt that crosses her face and the panic rises. Quite often, he's done similar things on purpose, tried to push her away.

But, he'd given up on doing that when she demanded it of him. So this was from a mistake, a bad one, and he feels like he's just ruined everything.

There's a correction sitting on the tip of his tongue but she silences him, fingers pressed to his lips. And there's a relief in having the question simplified, straightforward. ]

Yes, a thousand times yes. More than anything. [ More than he's ever been prepared for. When she leaves, it feels like there's a weight in the middle of his chest. There's a sense of hollowness at the same time, as if she's taken his heart with her, something to remember him by while she sails. ]

[ there's a silence as she watches him, and she opens her mouth to say something once he's finally spit it out, but the words fail her. there's a warmth that washes over her, at hearing it (or, well, hearing something, because he hasn't actually said it, but the bar has always been lower for kaz than most people). because truthfully, inej knows that he does. or, at least, she can figure it out by example.

no one else would do all of this for her if they didn't very deeply love her. but it's different to hear it, out loud. it almost feels permanent, spoken in that way. and it's terrifying, but also wonderful, and she wants to hear it again.

but there's still the matter of the fact that she's still annoyed with him for being such a moron. that has to be settled, first.

so she steps closer to take his face in her hands, dipping down to kiss him gently -- without much warning, which is probably a mistake, but she can't really find it in herself to care. ]

I love you more than anything, too.

[ it's said softly, running her thumbs over his cheeks . . . before she then removes her hands to (gently) swat him upside the head. ]

So do not hide something like that from me again.

[ her tone is a little less flat than it had been previously, but she adds something underneath her breath that sounds very close to moron in suli, adjusting the collar of his (ruined) shirt. ]

Go change so you can recover.

[ Her hands come up to his face—something he's gotten relatively used to—and she leans in for a kiss. Which he does sort of brace himself for. Thankfully, his mind still seems distracted by the panic a few moments ago. And now by the sheer relief that he doesn't have an adverse reaction when her lips brush his.

Instead, it's warmth blooming under the skin. A good day, he thinks. Aside from...well, everything else. He sighs into the kiss, leaning a bit into it before she pulls away.

Of course, he is startled when she swats him. Even if he deserves it. ]

Alright. [ That he can agree to, even if his knee jerk reaction is to keep her out of it. But she has sound judgment, much more than his on a daily basis, as she's proven time and again. If she feels like she can help, she will.

He pushes his chair back and grabs his cane, hobbling towards the bedroom. Cleaning off and changing takes a bit more time than usual, with so many stinging bruises, but he manages it and eventually takes a seat on the bed. ]

How was your visit?

[ the agreement does mollify some of the irritation, though she frowns as he gets up and limps to the bedroom, and she collects the first aid kit to follow after him, letting him change in silence. though her eyes do flicker toward him, as he sheds the shirt, and the bruises are revealed. her lips purse together as she turns to put away the first aid kit in a nearby drawer. ]

It was fine. Jesper and Wylan want to invite us to dinner tomorrow.

[ easily enough, without much detail, as she glances toward him once he's finished changing and he's sitting on the bed. and she shrugs out of her jacket, to hang on the hook on the wall before she moves to settle on the bed next to him, leaning her shoulder against his.

it takes a moment, but: ]

I worry about you, when I am not here.

[ it's said quietly, as she rests her head against his shoulder, the movement gentle and light. ]

I know that I am not here all the time, but I want to be at your back when I am.

Yeah? I can do that.

[ As far as he remembers, there isn't anything pressing tomorrow evening. His only real worry is whether his leg will be complaining too much when he wakes up in the morning.

That thought dissolves when she comes over to lean against his shoulder; he can feel himself relax at the bit of weight. She's been here for a couple days now, but it had been a few months and he missed this. They're still not super easy going with touching but they're getting there. ]

I worry about you too. When you're not here and when you are. [ Though the latter is significantly less intense. It's also maybe a little stupid. She can take care of herself, as she's shown time and again. ]

I know.

[ or, at least, she can hazard a guess. they've had plenty of arguments over it, at any rate, and she reaches up to brush his hair back with a slight frown. ]

I do not think we can get rid of the worry. [ that seems to be impossible, given their chosen professions, and the work that they do. ] That is always going to exist, but I feel better, when I know. Even if I can't change the outcome of whatever happens.

[ and she offers him a small smile, ducking her head a little so she can meet his eyes. ]

We are a team, right?

[ Getting rid of the worry entirely is basically an impossible feat. They would either have to be dead, invincible, or absolutely loathe each other to stop wondering if the other was doing ok. If they were still in one piece.

He doubts any of those options will be happening any time soon.

What she asks does make sense, too. Because even if something bad was to happen, at least she would be there. She would be there and have done anything to try and prevent it. Just as he would do the same for her—he ends up having to trust that her crew has her back, as he can't go with her as frequently as she comes back to port. ]

The best team. [ He gives her a small smile, reaching out for her hand and tracing her knuckles with his thumb. They were good together in that aspect, at least. Dirtyhands and the Wraith; no one was stupid enough to cross both.

Now if he could just stop pissing her off so much, they'd be a better team in more than one facet. ]

I'd probably have come back with marginally less injury, if you'd been there. [ At the very least, he would've stayed on his feet the whole time. ]

[ she cracks a smile, at the best team, though she rolls her eyes at his admission. ]

You would not have had to go at all, if you had told me.

[ though she does lean forward to press her lips against his cheek, the movement soft and light. physicality is still treacherous territory, but she likes to test, when she can. to try and make all of this feel more . . . normal. ]

The Razorgulls would not have shown up.

[ because the wraith would have politely reminded them of their place, and what happens when they threaten kaz brekker. and her hand shifts, to run a hand down his back gingerly, with a slight frown. ]

How did you wind up on the ground?

[ she's not an idiot; his injuries don't make much sense unless someone managed to pin him to the floor. ]

I still might've. They restructured since the last time you were here.

[ But it's also entirely possible their combined reputations would've kept the Razorgulls away from doing anything so ballsy. There's a good portion of the Barrel that has a healthy amount of fear specifically for the Wraith, as well. Considering how silent she could be, no one would see her coming until it was too late.

He instinctively sits up a bit when her hand ghosts down his back, everything a little sensitive even through the fabric of his shirt. ]

Got hemmed in and when I turned around, two of their new boys were there to knock me flat. Honestly, I was impressed they managed a decent strategy, though I suspect it was mostly an accident.

[ she frowns, at that, gently resting her hand against the small of his back. she knows that it’s just part of life, in the barrel, but it doesn’t mean she has to like it. and she rests her cheek against his shoulder, her fingers gently tracing a design along his back, careful to avoid the bruises she knows are there. ]

You are getting slow.

[ a little ruefully; she makes a mental note to ask roeder why he didn’t see the people who tackled kaz coming. ]

[ Despite the sensitivity, her touch feels nice on his back. Her palm is warm at the small of it, radiating a bit outwards. And the light traces take his mind off the ache under the skin. ]

Don't say that, I'm not even thirty.

[ He has a strange mental relationship with aging. On one hand, living above a certain age in the Barrel is something just shy of miraculous. Especially if one pisses off as many people as he does.

Though he has a hard time coming to terms with the inevitability. There are some things he just can't do, now, because of his injury. And he knows it will only gets worse with time.

Not the most thrilling thing to think of. ]

Then again, everyone's slow to you.

[ she makes a soft noise of agreement, at that, and she runs her hand up his spine before pulling away just enough to pat the bed between them. ]

You should lay down, then, old man.

[ she says, amused, before she stands to go to her bag of clothing, so she could find looser clothes. it was still early, but he should rest. she could duck out for dinner if he was hungry later. ]

You are going to regret your choices in the morning, I’m sure.

Old man?

[ How insulting. And yet, he's still grinning at the jab. He's always liked her sense of humor. Probably because she isn't afraid to be rude to his face.

It's a testament to just how much the fight is catching up to him because he doesn't even argue with the second part and lies down. Gingerly. On his side first and then after a few beats of shifting around like a fussy child, he ends up on his stomach. The cut on his chest pulls a little but the rest doesn't hurt nearly as much. ]

Perhaps. [ Undoubtedly he will. ] Are you going to nap?

[ Maybe he wants to cuddle. A little. ]

[ she’s getting out of her boots and tugging on a looser shirt, tossing him a slight look of concern as he shifts around to try and get comfortable. finally, he settles on his stomach, and inej undoes her holster and various belts to disarm and remove her knives before she makes her way to the bed.

now that he’s lying on his stomach, she tugs at his shirt just a little to get a better look at his back with a frown, letting the shirt fall without her fingers touching his skin. ]

I’ll lay down with you.

[ she agrees, careful to crawl in next to him without jostling him around too much, a hand gently rubbing his shoulder as she sits next to him. not quite laying down yet. ]

What am I going to do with you... [ she says in a sigh, fingers gently working out a knot in his shoulder, the pressure through the fabric of his shirt. ] Whoever kicked you when you were down clearly hated you.

Edited 2020-08-14 02:28 (UTC)

[ He can hear her moving around, just a little, the soft sounds of her setting her knives aside and taking her shoes off. It's a surprise when she lifts his shirt and he instinctively tenses, though she lets go of the fabric without touching him. The bed dips and he turns his head in that direction to look at her (as much as he can, anyway), this time less surprised when she reaches out to his shoulder. ]

At least half of the Barrel hates me; that isn't surprising. [ So much about him simply rubs people the wrong way. Though his proud nature (read: arrogance) certainly doesn't endear him to anyone.

He sighs quietly as she works a knot out of his shoulder, shifting a bit so he can carefully set his hand on her knee, thumb brushing along the curve. Sometimes, he just likes this, the casual contact. It's reassuring somehow. ]

[ she hums to herself, amused at his assertion of how many people hate him, which is . . . probably true. kaz has made few friends in his rise to the top, which suits inej just fine. the friends you make when climbing to the top tend to be horrible people. kaz has been lucky, in that regard.

once his shoulder feels a little more loose, she shifts her attention to his back, running her fingers along the shirt before she dips to kiss his temple. his hand on her knee causes her to smile a little; he must be feeling a little better, if he's seeking out contact. ]

You really should go take a hot shower.

[ though she knows that's going to be a losing battle, running her hand along his back gently. ]

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