timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ oh, his leg is hurting. and she's about to ask if he's okay after she's resettled (careful not to put too much weight on his leg) when he shifts his attention to touching her again. it reassures her that he's fine -- or, at least, it's not so bad to stop.

he'll very likely regret this decision in the morning, but that's a problem for the future, not the present.

so she settles herself on his lap, the movement gentle as she returns her hands to his face, kissing him gently, resting her forehead against his. ]

I want to try.

[ she murmurs, and the confidence wavers just enough to show in a slight frown, her thumbs running along his cheeks, mostly to reassure herself. she doesn't look stressed or upset, but there's a definite hesitation, because: ]

But I don't want to ruin our night.

[ it's mostly the fear of ruining this feeling, of warmth and love and attention, with the unpredictable resurgence of her memories. ]

[ He returns the kiss just as gently, rubbing his nose to hers affectionately when she presses their foreheads together. His hands slide to her waist and up her back, more of a comfort than a tease. ]

If you want to try, we can try.

[ Unlike Inej, he doesn't feel the same type of hesitation. But then, his flare ups come from a different source, one that's been somewhat easier to conquer once he'd figured out the trick.

Inej's demons are a different sort. Some days they can't even get this far, but she's determined to keep going. ]

It won't be ruined. We made some progress. [ He slowly pets his hands down her back, searching for the right words. ] I'm just happy you're here. If it takes us years, then fine. If we never get there, that's fine too.

[ his words spark a faint smile, and sends a warmth through her that causes her to lean forward to kiss him again, shifting to slide her arms around his neck for a tight hug, exhaling slowly as she relaxes.

it's such a stupid thing, in the long run. because it is meaningless, in the end. being able to do this. and truthfully, it's not so much of a need, for her to be able to do this, but because she shouldn't have to sacrifice anything else to her past. she's already given enough.

she'll return to her attempt in a moment, but she wants to be lazily affectionate, first. ]

[ She kisses him and he kisses her back, shifting a little underneath her when she slides her arms around his neck. He smoothes his hands slowly up and down her back, fingers tracing the shape of her shoulder blades and the gentle slope of her spine.

Clearly, she's thinking. And soaking up some affection, which he's happy to give. Tilting his head, he presses his cheek to her hair and loops his arms around her middle, giving her a squeeze and then simply holding on.

This is what she deserves all the time. Everyday, if he could give it. Really, it's this that he misses when she's gone, more than anything else. Just being able to hold her close is enough, is more than he thought he'd ever get, especially with this much skin exposed.

But he can understand why she wants to try. Not only to create better memories of touch but because her old ones don't deserve to rule her forever. It's the same reason he keeps pushing through his fears, why he'd dared to break it through exposure. She should have all of him and he'll give her that, no matter what that ends up looking like. ]

[ the hug prompts a soft sigh, comfortable, before she pulls away just enough to kiss him again, though this time, she adds a purposeful roll of her hips, slow and gentle. ]

I love you.

[ she murmurs against his lips, shifting to kiss his cheek gently. she feels comfortable, and loose-limbed, and warm, and safe. so maybe tonight will be a good night after all. ]

[ The roll of her hips is slow, almost gentle, but that doesn't stop the flare of heat under his skin. He groans a little into her kiss, body reacting eagerly to the change. ]

I love you too.

[ More than anything or anyone else, that he's certain of. He doesn't add it though, feeling a bit like it's too much. That all the other words behind it will spill out—how he wouldn't care if Ketterdam burned to the ground if it meant he'd still have her.

Slipping his hands back down, he sets them on her waist as he returns her earlier motion, hips lifting to press up. Dipping his head down, he kisses her neck and nuzzles the spot after, a smile curving his mouth. ]

[ there's a tenuous moment when he pushes his hips against her where she stills, to allow the feeling to wash over her, before she sighs into his hair, comfortable. ]

I love you more.

[ she says quietly, with a soft laugh as she rocks her hips a bit more firmly, to feel him slide against her, a soft noise of pleasure escaping as she does so.

she's content to get used to this first, before she tries anything further, but she feels the itch underneath her skin, to keep going. still, she's figured out by now that slow and gentle tends to be the way to get anything accomplished. rushing is only going to lead to catastrophe. ]

Hmm, debatable.

[ Well, she certainly puts up with more. He runs the backs of his fingers up her sides when she stills, releasing a breath when she sighs into his hair, clearly not about to spring away.

Instead, she's rocking against him again, making him groan softly at the contact. Not only the friction from the motion but just the sheer idea that she's doing this. Trying it out, however slow and careful—rushing into it headlong is just a bad idea, as they've found out. He shifts his hips a little bit but tells himself to try and stay still. To let her set whatever pace she needs. ]

Stop showing my hair all your affection and come kiss me.

Mmm . . .

[ it's a thoughtful hum as she places a deliberate kiss against his temple, the roll of her hips stilling to nearly non-existent as she considers his request. ]

I don't think you get to tell me what to do.

[ she decides, pressing another kiss to his temple as she rolls her hips again, murmuring in his ear: ]

I would say you lost the privilege, but you never really had it to begin with.

[ Where she kisses him is deliberate, it has to be, especially when paired with the hum of her thinking. Considering.

And clearly ready to ignore his words entirely.

It should be more annoying but she is right. Even as a lieutenant with her as someone unranked, he hadn't ever really bossed her around. What she ended up doing was solely because she decided to. He shouldn't have expected that to change in the bedroom.

So he changes tactics and goes with what he should've said at the start: ]

Come kiss me, please?

[ ah, his last resort. and inej settles back a little bit to press her forehead against his, ducking down to lightly brush her lips against his. ]

One day, you will learn some hint of manners.

[ she repeats quietly, amused as she adjusts herself in his lap, reaching a hand down beneath her legs to slowly stroke him, eyes bright with a certain mischievous glint. ]

Maybe I'll withhold kisses until you do.

[ Well, it isn't the kiss he was hoping for but it is a more direct kiss. Beggars can't be choosers.

He has a comment ready in response, something about having learned some things already. Except then she's touching him, the curl of her fingers so unexpected that his hips arch, and he breathes out a quiet sigh. ]

You wouldn't. [ There's no heart in the retort, focus clearly elsewhere. Though, an amendment: ] You might.

[ She could be rather stubborn. Kaz slips his hands back to her legs, brushing his palms up to her hips and back down. He tilts his chin up for another kiss, this one just as light as hers. ]

I would.

[ with a soft laugh, as she returns his kiss, though she soon gives him a proper kiss, as she slowly strokes him, murmuring: ]

But I wouldn't last very long.

[ she does love him. and his stupid, worthless, conniving, arrogant, charming, smug, attractive face.

as she strokes him, she gently rocks her hips, to continue moving against him and to also get into a slightly better position. and she presses him against her entrance, just a bit, to test her limits, and she exhales slowly at the sensation, pressing her forehead against his.

no memories, not yet. just a sudden want.

but she adds, softly, as she kisses the corner of his mouth. ]

I like your face a little too much to stop completely, I think.

[ Ok yeah, she would.

But she does eventually give him a proper kiss, something he presses into without hesitation. It's so he can concentrate on that and not lose himself in the slow way she's stroking him.

Because he really would like to last.

When she pulls away from the kiss, he turns his focus to touching her, fingers skimming up her sides and then cupping her chest. He lets out a small moan when she moves, sliding him right against her entrance. No move is made though, as much as he's tempted to push his hips up, waiting for her to take the first step. ]

That's– that's good. [ Concentrating is hard.

Sighing, he tilts his head to the side, kissing a line up her jaw and ending at her cheek. His fingers tease her nipples, gently at first and then tweaking them. ]

[ his hands on her chest distract her from the task at hand, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. she gently rocks her hips, sighing into his temple as he kisses her jaw.

it’s either do it, or don’t. a decision has to be made, on her part, and inej nearly loses her nerve, as she feels him just barely enter her. there’s a tenuous moment where she almost balks, but she steels her nerve, instead returning her focus to his fingers straying along her chest as she slowly takes him.

for a harrowing moment, inej feels her chest seize, an involuntarily repulsion grabbing hold of her senses. and she dips her head forward, forcing herself to focus in the moment. it’s overwhelming, but once inej sorts through what she is feeling, she discovers a few things.

one, she hasn’t had a flashback. two, the repulsion is fading. and three, she can see the scar along kaz’s jaw, right by his neck, from her vantage point against his shoulder. which means she’s still focused in the moment, and not stuck in her memories.

so after she’s still, letting herself absorb and sort through the emotions, inej exhales into his shoulder before rolling her hips slowly, taking him the rest of the way with a soft groan into his shoulder, a hitch in her breath. ]

You feel good.

[ she whispers into his shoulder, rolling her hips again. ]

[ The rock of her hips feels good as much as it's tempting and he echoes her sigh as he dips his head to kiss her neck.

It's increasingly difficult to not squirm when she starts to lower herself, slipping his cock inside. He moves his hands down, petting her sides, comforting as much as just keeping in touch. This is further than they've gotten before. Well, mostly. She hasn't leapt straight away, nor does her breathing change.

When she dips her head forward, he rubs one hand along the back of her neck and to her shoulder blades. Making sure she has something to ground her.

And then she seems to relax, exhaling against his shoulder and rolling her hips again, sliding the rest of the way down. He lets out a low groan, arching his hips a small fraction, unable to stop the movement. ]

Ah, fuck, Inej. [ Before, he thought maybe this was overrated. That so many people just talked it up because it was a thing to do. Now he's not so sure.

Because this is Inej and they've never done this before and they've worked hard to get to this point. It almost feels surreal.

It also feels good.

He tugs her a little closer, arms circling around her middle and pressing his cheek to her neck. ]

[ the memories don’t come, and as kaz wraps his arms around her middle and murmurs her name, she finds that they wouldn’t have a foothold on her even if they did. it’s not the touch that keeps her grounded, really, but hearing her name.

names were stripped from you, in the menagerie. inej is pretty sure only heleen knew her name, and she never used it. she only knew it because the lynx couldn’t sign a contract but inej ghafa could.

at any rate, she feels . . . okay, right now. and as he pushes up into her, a soft gasp escapes, and she involuntarily rolls her hips in return, continuing to slowly ride him, groaning to herself when he’s buried deep.

it’s a bizarre mixture of feeling, the repulsion fading (but still clinging, a tightening in her throat as she feels him slide in and out of her) and melting into pleasure, each roll of her hips producing another soft noise out of her as she loops her arms around him in return. she can deal with repulsion, on that specific part. that can be worked on. she can get through that.

because, really, so far, so good. occasionally really good, as being pressed together causes the friction to rub just right, a muffled moan pressed into his neck. still slick and sensitive from earlier. if she focuses on that, she can get through this. ]

[ She hasn't balked, not like she has in the past when they've tried this, but that doesn't soothe that bit of worry in the back of his mind. He wants her to enjoy herself, which is always a touch and go thing when it comes to being intimate.

Still, it seems like some things are going right. Her gasp when he pushes up, for one, and her arms looped around his neck, encouraging. He takes it slow, the roll of his hips to meet hers a careful thing. Really, it's nice in a way, like there's no rush and they can just enjoy this.

(There isn't a rush, despite his body aching to).

Turning his head, he presses soft kisses to her neck and up to her temple. His hands smooth up her thighs, one settling on her hip. The other he works between them, fingers brushing near her clit as he pushes up. ]

[ part of her wants this to last forever, and part of her wants it to be over as soon as possible. it's an odd dichotomy, but inej focuses on the parts that she likes. like the feeling of his hand between them, which sparks a shuddered gasp as he pushes up into her. or his lips against her neck, which is a personal favorite. all things that she knows that she likes, versus the one thing that she's still struggling to determine if she hates.

( distantly, part of her is frustrated that she's not enjoying all of it. that she should be as invested and present as possible. but that's not realistic, and inej knows that it's likely that she'll need to have a long quiet day tomorrow processing and having quiet time with him. but that's a problem for tomorrow. )

instead, inej pushes herself a little more, in moving against him a bit more sharply, sighing into his neck at the feeling of his fingers. she can feel a pooling heat in the bottom of her stomach. a pressure building. but she forces herself to keep her motions consistent, though she does speed up a little bit. incrementally. ]

A little more.

[ she manages quietly, as she rocks into him again, fingers digging into his back just a little bit as she seeks out his fingers again, her face all but buried into his neck as she focuses. ]

[ Concentration is the hard part here. And he knows he has to keep his focus to a certain extent, wanting to keep himself from doing something that will startle her out of the moment.

Because she seems like she's enjoying herself, at least a little bit. Or maybe more than a little, if her sigh against his neck is any indication. Everything about this feels good but that small sigh is like putting oil to the flame. She digs her fingers in and asks for more and he can't help but oblige.

So he touches her more firmly, fingertips rubbing her clit with the intention of getting her off. He pushes his hips up a bit more sharply, letting out a short moan as he sinks in. There's a familiar coil of tension in his gut, one that he's been toeing the line on since he'd gotten on his knees to suck her off. ]

Inej, I'm close. [ That deserves a warning, right? ]

[ she wants to acknowledge that she heard him, that she understands, but she's so focused on the feeling of his fingers between them that words fail her. because she can feel that pressure building, too, and her own motions speed up a little, her movements a little less precise.

she tumbles over the edge fairly quickly after she picks up the pace, a shuddered gasp into his neck ending in a soft moan as she tenses, tightening around him as she digs her fingers in. the sensation is dizzying, and she's suddenly much more aware of the feeling of him inside her.

it's overwhelming nearly to the point of wanting to stop, but inej continues to move, to try and push him over the edge, too. ]

It's fine.

[ she says in a breath, forcing the words out as she continues to move, wanting him to finish where he is. not wanting to move away, yet. ]

[ She doesn't say anything but picks up her pace, rocking her hips down with less careful precision. It's with near abandon and as much as it's now hard to focus on anything other than how it feels, he's glad she's clearly enjoying this part.

Really enjoying, since it's only a few moments more before he feels her tense up. Something he's familiar with but is entirely different when they're like this. He gasps at the sudden friction, hips pushing up as she comes. She keeps moving and he can feel the inner tension pull taut like a bowstring. And then it snaps, leaving him groaning out her name, both hands pulling her hips flush to his.

After a few beats, he loops his arms around her middle, just holding her with his cheek pressed to her hair. ]

[ it takes a few moments for her to collect her senses, as she takes into account his arms looped around her middle, pressing his cheek against her hair. and she finally exhales, dipping her head to press into his shoulder, catching her breath.

the realization of what happened falls over her like a wave. that she managed to get through it without anything horrible happening. and that now it's done.

it's hard to really put a finger on it, what she's feeling. it's relief, mostly, before she lifts her arms to wrap her arms around his neck in a tight hug, burying her face into his shoulder with a shuddered breath.

she's not tense or upset, necessarily, but overwhelmed. and relieved. ]

[ His mind is hazy for a few moments, a blanket of nothing but pleasant feelings. He takes a few slow breaths in and out, trying to clear away the rest of the haze so he can concentrate.

It still feels like there's a buzzing under his skin but soon he feels like he can think straight. Inej has curled her arms around his neck for a tight hug and he gently squeezes her back, moving one hand up to smooth through her hair. Her breath comes out shaky and he frowns, worried. ]

Inej? [ Is she overwhelmed? Upset? Does he need to pick her up and move her? ]

[ she draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly at hearing her name. she feels an odd twitching in her legs, the after-effects of coming down from the high, she vaguely recognizes. and the hand in her hair is familiar and comforting.

part of her wants to cry, but she'll fight to the death before she allows herself to do that. she isn't even sad, or upset, but she feels that suspicious prickling in the corners of her eyes.

so, soon: ]

I am fine.

[ softly, as she shifts to press her lips against his temple, and she exhales before pulling away just enough to give him a gentle kiss. ]

But I think I need to get up.

[ she wants to go clean up. and then crawl into bed with him to spend the rest of evening curled up with him. ]

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