timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ She doesn't say anything but picks up her pace, rocking her hips down with less careful precision. It's with near abandon and as much as it's now hard to focus on anything other than how it feels, he's glad she's clearly enjoying this part.

Really enjoying, since it's only a few moments more before he feels her tense up. Something he's familiar with but is entirely different when they're like this. He gasps at the sudden friction, hips pushing up as she comes. She keeps moving and he can feel the inner tension pull taut like a bowstring. And then it snaps, leaving him groaning out her name, both hands pulling her hips flush to his.

After a few beats, he loops his arms around her middle, just holding her with his cheek pressed to her hair. ]

[ it takes a few moments for her to collect her senses, as she takes into account his arms looped around her middle, pressing his cheek against her hair. and she finally exhales, dipping her head to press into his shoulder, catching her breath.

the realization of what happened falls over her like a wave. that she managed to get through it without anything horrible happening. and that now it's done.

it's hard to really put a finger on it, what she's feeling. it's relief, mostly, before she lifts her arms to wrap her arms around his neck in a tight hug, burying her face into his shoulder with a shuddered breath.

she's not tense or upset, necessarily, but overwhelmed. and relieved. ]

[ His mind is hazy for a few moments, a blanket of nothing but pleasant feelings. He takes a few slow breaths in and out, trying to clear away the rest of the haze so he can concentrate.

It still feels like there's a buzzing under his skin but soon he feels like he can think straight. Inej has curled her arms around his neck for a tight hug and he gently squeezes her back, moving one hand up to smooth through her hair. Her breath comes out shaky and he frowns, worried. ]

Inej? [ Is she overwhelmed? Upset? Does he need to pick her up and move her? ]

[ she draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly at hearing her name. she feels an odd twitching in her legs, the after-effects of coming down from the high, she vaguely recognizes. and the hand in her hair is familiar and comforting.

part of her wants to cry, but she'll fight to the death before she allows herself to do that. she isn't even sad, or upset, but she feels that suspicious prickling in the corners of her eyes.

so, soon: ]

I am fine.

[ softly, as she shifts to press her lips against his temple, and she exhales before pulling away just enough to give him a gentle kiss. ]

But I think I need to get up.

[ she wants to go clean up. and then crawl into bed with him to spend the rest of evening curled up with him. ]

[ The deep breath doesn't shake and he feels some of the initial panic lower a few notches. It lets him take note of other things, like how his knee is starting to complain something fierce. From both his earlier decision and from being slightly bent while they've been laying here. He has a feeling it'll be annoying to get comfortable.

Worth it though. Definitely worth it.

When she speaks up, he's relieved and he searches her face for a moment before nodding. Overwhelmed then, maybe. She did just manage to jump over a huge hurdle. ]

I suppose. [ Kaz cradles her face with his hands when he returns her kiss and then lets her go. After kissing her cheek. ]

[ she's about to shift her weight when he cups her face with his hands to kiss her, and she smiles softly as he kisses her cheek. she returns it with one of her own, gently brushing her lips against his cheek before she carefully rises to her feet.

it only takes a handful of minutes to clean off in the bathroom, though she does so with the door closed. just in case she needs a moment or two to collect herself. but whatever surge of emotion that had happened earlier seems to have subsided, and she no longer has the urge to cry.

she's left with . . . she's not really sure, honestly. she knows that tomorrow is likely going to be difficult, but not in a panicked way. just . . . tired. but as she cleans herself off, she at least feels the last sticking pieces of repulsion leave. and idly, she realizes that the sticky aftermath is unsettling to her, too. something else to work on.

she comes back to bed soon enough, not bothering to shrug back into clothes. ( she had idly considered shrugging into a robe, just in case the contact was too much, but she decided against it at the last minute. ) and soon, she slides into bed underneath the comforter, and wastes no time in settling against him, tucking her face into his shoulder.

she's quiet for a few minutes, allowing herself to settle, the relaxation winning out over her nerves rattling underneath her skin, before she says, her voice soft: ]

The dress did wind up on the floor after all.

[ He gives her a little smile when she kisses his cheek. And once she's up, he takes a moment to sit up, stretching both of his legs out. The door to the bathroom shuts and he lets her have her space, keeping an ear out just in case everything started to catch up with her in a bad way.

Until then, he carefully rolls his ankle on his bad leg, trying to work some of the stiffness out from the bottom up. By the time she comes back out, he's resettled back onto the bed. Not quite flat on his back, needing to take some pressure off his still tensed leg. He sleepily curls an arm around her when she takes up her usual spot, both of them taking a couple moments to situate and get comfortable.

Embarrassingly, he's nearly dozed off by the time she says something, voice quiet in the room. ]

I am a man of my word. [ Ok, he hadn't promised he'd get it there but close enough. ] It's a good dress, though.

[ that sparks a smile, and she tilts her head up to gently kiss his jaw before returning to her normal spot, allowing her eyes to close as she gets comfortable. she can tell he's tired, and she can also tell that she is not going to be able to fall asleep for a little bit. which is okay; it doesn't feel like the type of restlessness that is prone to nightmares.

at any rate, he's not lying completely flat, and she knows it's because: ]

Your leg is bothering you.

[ quiet, as she 'tsks' to herself softly into his shoulder, the noise knowing, but a little chiding. she stretches her arm across his chest, to hold him gently as she makes herself comfortable, before she adds: ]

Stubborn as a goat.

[ honestly!!!! ]

[ He's tired, though his leg is bothering him enough he isn't sure if he'll stay asleep once he drops off. Some nights it's easier to ignore than others and tonight he hasn't figured out where the needle is going to point. ]

I don't know about you but I enjoyed myself. [ Kaz says, a bit smug and knowing. After all, he would've gotten her to come like that if she hadn't decided to be a little more daring. Despite being a brat, he snuggles closer, setting his hand on her waist. ]

[ she rolls her eyes a little at the comment, hearing the smugness in his tone. but as she draws a meaningless design on his chest with a finger, she considers what he said. ]

I did enjoy myself.

[ it’s quiet, but nonetheless heard, tucking her face a little more snugly against his shoulder.

and she had. most of it, anyway. ]

[ What she says doesn't exactly surprise him, but at the same time it does. She certainly hadn't seemed like she'd been simply tolerating what they'd been doing. Nor did it seem like she'd been pushing through it just to make a point. ]

Yeah? [ It's not a prompt for more information, aside from a secondary confirmation. ] You feel alright?

[ At the very least, she feels comfortable and relaxed next to him. So there's that. ]

[ she thinks about the question for a moment, weighing it out in her head. she does feel alright, but that doesn’t feel quite specific enough. ]

I feel tired.

[ she settles on an answer, tilting her head up to look at him, more out of reassurance that she’s fine and in the moment. ]

But if I did it once, I can do it again.

[ that’s really the most gratifying part; that she did it without panicking. and she soon resettles her head on his shoulder, continuing quietly: ]

I really wanted to share that with you. And have it be positive.

I know you can.

[ He doesn't just say that for himself, tipping his chin down to kiss her forehead. Inej is stubborn and driven– when she wants something, she goes after it without flagging. And while he would understand if she decided it was all too much, she's kept going, wanting to be free of the hooks that Tante Heleen had put in her all those years ago. ]

I wanted that with you too. [ Not only because he'd managed to overcome so much to get to this point, but– this was Inej. Who he's pretty sure he's been painfully in love with since he was sixteen. If he'd been anyone else, maybe there would've been someone before her. But he is who he is and after she'd walked into his life, that'd been it.

Though he hadn't known then. And he'd taken his sweet time pulling his head out of his ass long enough to realize what was standing right in front of him. He gives her a little squeeze with the arm looped around her, affectionate and maybe a bit emotional. ]

[ she smiles a little, at his comment and the squeeze around her middle, a soft hum as she considers his words.

she doesn’t feel totally euphoric, which she thought she would, when she imagined this in her head. she really feels tired, and a tiny sliver of her feels a little guilty, that part of her wanted it to be over before it really began. how the act feels violating, even when it’s wanted and encouraged. when will that end.

probably with time. and talking about it. but words seem to fail her whenever she tries to describe what happened in the menagerie. the individual memories that play in her mind die in her throat. and she knows she needs to let the poison flow from the wound, but it’s hard to even put into words what was done.

the train of thought does help her figure out why she feels relieved, though, and she finally murmurs: ]

I was thirteen, when someone took my innocence away from me. The first time, anyway.

[ it’s surprisingly easy to say, which sort of startles her. but it’s the source of her relief, because: ]

I thought I would never feel safe or loved again.

[ but she does, now, comfortable and relaxed. tired, definitely, but not panicked or disgusted or angry. she feels like herself, and very loved, and protected. even if she doesn’t necessarily need the last part. and that’s a relief. ]

[ It's quiet between them, though he can tell she hasn't fallen asleep. He lets his own mind wander, thinking about how they hadn't even been able to lay this close to each other a couple years ago. Well, that's not strictly true. They had been able to cuddle close but only with long clothes on, with as little skin touching as possible. Mostly so he wouldn't brush against anything in the middle of the night and panic.

She had some issues at first as well, unused to a man in her bed. Or rather, used to one being there. One that meant her harm.

Those had been awful and stressful nights when either one of them would wake up, ghosts nipping at their heels. It's not like those times are totally gone but certainly happen much less.

He's shaken out of his thoughts when she murmurs, the words clear despite how quiet they are. Instinctively, he feels a slow burn of anger, the same as he does whenever she says something about the Menagerie. About Tante Heleen or any of the men that frequented that horrible place. Kaz swallows it down, focusing on the latter half.

Letting out a long breath, he turns towards her some more, momentarily disrupting their comfortable hold, cupping the side of her face with one hand. ]

You're never going to feel like that again if I can help it. [ Sometimes, he worries he doesn't tell her enough how much she means. He silently tells himself to start; she deserves that and more. ]

[ she's about to tuck close and try to go to sleep when he rolls over a little to cup her face. his words spark a warmth in her chest, and a small smile appears as she watches him, listening.

she hasn't felt like that in a long time. she thinks the last time she felt powerless, helpless, and alone was when van eck took her. but inej knows that saying that wouldn't be a reassurance, and would likely just make him feel worse.

instead, she leans forward to kiss him gently. ]

I know.

[ quietly. ]

[ She gives him a small smile and really, that's enough. If he can give her even the smallest amounts of happiness, he'll be glad for it.

He returns her kiss just as gently, wrapping both arms around her to pull her into a brief hug. Honestly if it were to remain comfortable, this is how he'd like to fall asleep. It won't though, so he lets her go, moving back to how he'd been laying with her earlier, skimming his fingers down her side slowly.

Sleep might not come soon but that's ok, he has this. ]

[ sleep does not come soon, but she drifts into a peaceful sleep eventually. and when she wakes up, it’s slowly. she’s still tucked soundly against his side, and she blinks herself awake before lifting her head just a little bit.

he’s still asleep, which isn’t unusual. it’s also early, which suits her just fine. his arm is snug around her waist, and inej smiles to herself a little before she pushes herself up a bit to gently press her lips against his cheek. ]

Good morning.

[ she whispers, gently uncurling his arm from her waist so she can sit up enough to brush back his hair. grateful that she seems to have gotten through the night without a nightmare or her demons.

they have a reservation for breakfast that inej is certain they will miss, but she can at least get it to go. when kaz feels like letting her up, anyway. ]

[ The last thing he thinks is that he feels wide awake, almost certain he's in for a long haul in terms of falling asleep.

Apparently his body has other plans, because he drops off soon after, without tossing or turning. It's a deep enough rest that his leg doesn't wake him too often. And even then, he finds he can drift right back off with a minor adjustment rather than having to move away entirely.

Eventually, he's aware of the brightness of the room, an early(ish) morning light that he ignores. At least, until he feels Inej move next to him and the kiss on his cheek. He blinks his eyes open and squints, adjusting to the sun filtering in through a gap in the curtain. Ugh, mornings. The only thing saving him from turning right over is the gentle brush of her fingers through his hair. ]

Morning. [ His voice is tougher than usual, still very much sleep filled. Feeling mildly petulant that morning is here already, he turns towards her and loops his arm around her middle, tugging her back towards the bed, face tucked against her chest. He'll get up. In a minute. Probably. ]

[ she’s about to ask how he feels when he decides morning isn’t something to celebrate. and inej is tugged back into the bed, which causes a soft laugh as she lets him make himself comfortable, fingers brushing through his hair again. ]

We have a breakfast reservation.

[ she murmurs into his hair, letting him stubbornly use her as a pillow. ]

Or should I assume that’s canceled.

[ Oh, he has to be responsible. Or something like it. Kaz sighs as he turns his head, cheek pressed to her chest. He should get up and shower. And get breakfast, because that involves coffee and not much else is more enticing.

Aside from staying exactly where he is right now. But he'd be hard pressed to name anything that was better than cuddling up to Inej. ]

Gimme a minute.

[ Yes, he's a little grouchy about it. He doesn't seem to move at first, just forcing the rest of his body to cooperate with the idea that he has to get out of bed. Eventually, he pulls himself away from her, sitting up with a frown. His leg is bothering him but that isn't news. It's usually a 50/50 chance he'll wake up to it throbbing in some manner.

The only problem is when he swings his legs over the bed and grabs his cane, he doesn't quite make it to standing. Swearing, he leans more on the cane and uses the edge of the bed to push himself up, unsteady when he does make it to his feet.

Alright, well, not a good day. Should've expected that one.

He takes a few tentative steps, free hand hovering over the bed. It feels like his leg is both too stiff and not stiff enough, wanting to give out. Suddenly the distance from here to the bathroom is...not daunting, exactly, but less than ideal. ]

[ oh, he’s grumpy. and she lets him set his own pace for movement, watching him get up . . . and fail.

she instinctively leans forward to help but stops herself as he stands . . . but inej can tell that’s not going to last, as she scoots herself across the bed and gently loops her arm around his waist. ]

Let me help.

[ gently, to help stabilize him with a quiet frown. ]

Do you want to go to the shower or lay back down?

[ This isn't really how he wanted to start his day but here he is. Standing at the corner of the bed and calculating whether he'll make it over to the bathroom without collapsing. The answer is looking like no.

With a long sigh, he lets Inej lean against him to stabilize, frustrated as usual when there's a particularly bad flare up. ]

Shower first, the heat might help. [ He can try and work out whatever muscle decided it was going to be a pain this morning. ]

[ saints, he’s found himself in a mood this morning. but inej lets him grumble and fuss with accepting help, instead helping him to the bathroom with relative ease.

the shower, at least, is walk-in. and somewhat fancy, for the country. the place they’re staying in is definitely targeted to rich people who need a break, and so the shower doubles as a small sauna. seat and all.

it works well for kaz, she thinks to herself idly. not that he’s ever going to admit he might need it. ]

Sit.

[ she says, helping him to sit — and once he does, inej dips down to kiss him, her voice soft: ]

I’ll find a set of pajamas and leave them on the counter. And find breakfast.

[ she’ll just take her shower later once he’s done. best not to suggest they share when he’s already grumpy and at a low tolerance for human communication. ]

Need anything else?

[ He'll feel guilty later, for being in such a foul mood and letting it show. For now, he's too focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Inej helps him to the bathroom with little fuss and once he's sitting– it's not a relief, exactly, but it's slightly more comfortable than standing. His leg is at the point where it simply existing is painful and there isn't much to be done about it.

When she kisses him, he does tilt his head into it. Just a fraction, because he's grateful she's willing to deal with this. While he isn't a huge fan of asking for help, he has to admit it beats trying to drag himself down three flights of stairs and trying not to sweat from the discomfort. ]

No, that's fine. [ Reaching out, he catches her hand before she goes. ] I'll try not to use up all your hot water.

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