timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

I know you can.

[ He doesn't just say that for himself, tipping his chin down to kiss her forehead. Inej is stubborn and driven– when she wants something, she goes after it without flagging. And while he would understand if she decided it was all too much, she's kept going, wanting to be free of the hooks that Tante Heleen had put in her all those years ago. ]

I wanted that with you too. [ Not only because he'd managed to overcome so much to get to this point, but– this was Inej. Who he's pretty sure he's been painfully in love with since he was sixteen. If he'd been anyone else, maybe there would've been someone before her. But he is who he is and after she'd walked into his life, that'd been it.

Though he hadn't known then. And he'd taken his sweet time pulling his head out of his ass long enough to realize what was standing right in front of him. He gives her a little squeeze with the arm looped around her, affectionate and maybe a bit emotional. ]

[ she smiles a little, at his comment and the squeeze around her middle, a soft hum as she considers his words.

she doesn’t feel totally euphoric, which she thought she would, when she imagined this in her head. she really feels tired, and a tiny sliver of her feels a little guilty, that part of her wanted it to be over before it really began. how the act feels violating, even when it’s wanted and encouraged. when will that end.

probably with time. and talking about it. but words seem to fail her whenever she tries to describe what happened in the menagerie. the individual memories that play in her mind die in her throat. and she knows she needs to let the poison flow from the wound, but it’s hard to even put into words what was done.

the train of thought does help her figure out why she feels relieved, though, and she finally murmurs: ]

I was thirteen, when someone took my innocence away from me. The first time, anyway.

[ it’s surprisingly easy to say, which sort of startles her. but it’s the source of her relief, because: ]

I thought I would never feel safe or loved again.

[ but she does, now, comfortable and relaxed. tired, definitely, but not panicked or disgusted or angry. she feels like herself, and very loved, and protected. even if she doesn’t necessarily need the last part. and that’s a relief. ]

[ It's quiet between them, though he can tell she hasn't fallen asleep. He lets his own mind wander, thinking about how they hadn't even been able to lay this close to each other a couple years ago. Well, that's not strictly true. They had been able to cuddle close but only with long clothes on, with as little skin touching as possible. Mostly so he wouldn't brush against anything in the middle of the night and panic.

She had some issues at first as well, unused to a man in her bed. Or rather, used to one being there. One that meant her harm.

Those had been awful and stressful nights when either one of them would wake up, ghosts nipping at their heels. It's not like those times are totally gone but certainly happen much less.

He's shaken out of his thoughts when she murmurs, the words clear despite how quiet they are. Instinctively, he feels a slow burn of anger, the same as he does whenever she says something about the Menagerie. About Tante Heleen or any of the men that frequented that horrible place. Kaz swallows it down, focusing on the latter half.

Letting out a long breath, he turns towards her some more, momentarily disrupting their comfortable hold, cupping the side of her face with one hand. ]

You're never going to feel like that again if I can help it. [ Sometimes, he worries he doesn't tell her enough how much she means. He silently tells himself to start; she deserves that and more. ]

[ she's about to tuck close and try to go to sleep when he rolls over a little to cup her face. his words spark a warmth in her chest, and a small smile appears as she watches him, listening.

she hasn't felt like that in a long time. she thinks the last time she felt powerless, helpless, and alone was when van eck took her. but inej knows that saying that wouldn't be a reassurance, and would likely just make him feel worse.

instead, she leans forward to kiss him gently. ]

I know.

[ quietly. ]

[ She gives him a small smile and really, that's enough. If he can give her even the smallest amounts of happiness, he'll be glad for it.

He returns her kiss just as gently, wrapping both arms around her to pull her into a brief hug. Honestly if it were to remain comfortable, this is how he'd like to fall asleep. It won't though, so he lets her go, moving back to how he'd been laying with her earlier, skimming his fingers down her side slowly.

Sleep might not come soon but that's ok, he has this. ]

[ sleep does not come soon, but she drifts into a peaceful sleep eventually. and when she wakes up, it’s slowly. she’s still tucked soundly against his side, and she blinks herself awake before lifting her head just a little bit.

he’s still asleep, which isn’t unusual. it’s also early, which suits her just fine. his arm is snug around her waist, and inej smiles to herself a little before she pushes herself up a bit to gently press her lips against his cheek. ]

Good morning.

[ she whispers, gently uncurling his arm from her waist so she can sit up enough to brush back his hair. grateful that she seems to have gotten through the night without a nightmare or her demons.

they have a reservation for breakfast that inej is certain they will miss, but she can at least get it to go. when kaz feels like letting her up, anyway. ]

[ The last thing he thinks is that he feels wide awake, almost certain he's in for a long haul in terms of falling asleep.

Apparently his body has other plans, because he drops off soon after, without tossing or turning. It's a deep enough rest that his leg doesn't wake him too often. And even then, he finds he can drift right back off with a minor adjustment rather than having to move away entirely.

Eventually, he's aware of the brightness of the room, an early(ish) morning light that he ignores. At least, until he feels Inej move next to him and the kiss on his cheek. He blinks his eyes open and squints, adjusting to the sun filtering in through a gap in the curtain. Ugh, mornings. The only thing saving him from turning right over is the gentle brush of her fingers through his hair. ]

Morning. [ His voice is tougher than usual, still very much sleep filled. Feeling mildly petulant that morning is here already, he turns towards her and loops his arm around her middle, tugging her back towards the bed, face tucked against her chest. He'll get up. In a minute. Probably. ]

[ she’s about to ask how he feels when he decides morning isn’t something to celebrate. and inej is tugged back into the bed, which causes a soft laugh as she lets him make himself comfortable, fingers brushing through his hair again. ]

We have a breakfast reservation.

[ she murmurs into his hair, letting him stubbornly use her as a pillow. ]

Or should I assume that’s canceled.

[ Oh, he has to be responsible. Or something like it. Kaz sighs as he turns his head, cheek pressed to her chest. He should get up and shower. And get breakfast, because that involves coffee and not much else is more enticing.

Aside from staying exactly where he is right now. But he'd be hard pressed to name anything that was better than cuddling up to Inej. ]

Gimme a minute.

[ Yes, he's a little grouchy about it. He doesn't seem to move at first, just forcing the rest of his body to cooperate with the idea that he has to get out of bed. Eventually, he pulls himself away from her, sitting up with a frown. His leg is bothering him but that isn't news. It's usually a 50/50 chance he'll wake up to it throbbing in some manner.

The only problem is when he swings his legs over the bed and grabs his cane, he doesn't quite make it to standing. Swearing, he leans more on the cane and uses the edge of the bed to push himself up, unsteady when he does make it to his feet.

Alright, well, not a good day. Should've expected that one.

He takes a few tentative steps, free hand hovering over the bed. It feels like his leg is both too stiff and not stiff enough, wanting to give out. Suddenly the distance from here to the bathroom is...not daunting, exactly, but less than ideal. ]

[ oh, he’s grumpy. and she lets him set his own pace for movement, watching him get up . . . and fail.

she instinctively leans forward to help but stops herself as he stands . . . but inej can tell that’s not going to last, as she scoots herself across the bed and gently loops her arm around his waist. ]

Let me help.

[ gently, to help stabilize him with a quiet frown. ]

Do you want to go to the shower or lay back down?

[ This isn't really how he wanted to start his day but here he is. Standing at the corner of the bed and calculating whether he'll make it over to the bathroom without collapsing. The answer is looking like no.

With a long sigh, he lets Inej lean against him to stabilize, frustrated as usual when there's a particularly bad flare up. ]

Shower first, the heat might help. [ He can try and work out whatever muscle decided it was going to be a pain this morning. ]

[ saints, he’s found himself in a mood this morning. but inej lets him grumble and fuss with accepting help, instead helping him to the bathroom with relative ease.

the shower, at least, is walk-in. and somewhat fancy, for the country. the place they’re staying in is definitely targeted to rich people who need a break, and so the shower doubles as a small sauna. seat and all.

it works well for kaz, she thinks to herself idly. not that he’s ever going to admit he might need it. ]

Sit.

[ she says, helping him to sit — and once he does, inej dips down to kiss him, her voice soft: ]

I’ll find a set of pajamas and leave them on the counter. And find breakfast.

[ she’ll just take her shower later once he’s done. best not to suggest they share when he’s already grumpy and at a low tolerance for human communication. ]

Need anything else?

[ He'll feel guilty later, for being in such a foul mood and letting it show. For now, he's too focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Inej helps him to the bathroom with little fuss and once he's sitting– it's not a relief, exactly, but it's slightly more comfortable than standing. His leg is at the point where it simply existing is painful and there isn't much to be done about it.

When she kisses him, he does tilt his head into it. Just a fraction, because he's grateful she's willing to deal with this. While he isn't a huge fan of asking for help, he has to admit it beats trying to drag himself down three flights of stairs and trying not to sweat from the discomfort. ]

No, that's fine. [ Reaching out, he catches her hand before she goes. ] I'll try not to use up all your hot water.

[ she grins a little, as he catches her hand, and inej tugs herself back over, kissing him once more, the motion gentle and warm. ]

Use all the hot water you want.

[ warmly, pressing another kiss to his forehead before she makes her way out of the bathroom to find him a pair of pajamas. she soon reappears (this time in a loose robe) to set the clothes and a stack of towels on the seat of the toilet, closest to the shower, before disappearing again, closing the door behind her

she’ll let him call for help if he wants it. for now, though, she’ll leave him be while she figures out what to do for breakfast. ]

[ Truthfully, it's not a very long shower, even with how awkward it is to do most of it sitting down. He spends some time massaging out the muscles on his lower leg, wincing at how stiff it feels. No wonder he was having a hard time walking, it could barely unflex.

Part of him wants to stay under the hot spray a little longer, hoping it would make relaxing his muscles easier. Or faster. But his nerves are starting to hum and he's never had a great relationship with water to begin with, so he cuts it short, wanting to just lie down.

It's slow going in getting out of the shower, drying off, and pulling the pajamas on that Inej had left out. He doesn't fall on his face though, which is a silver lining. By the time he gets back to the bed, he's tired, only taking a few more moments to stick a pillow under the offending limb before he flops back to wait for Inej. ]

[ inej spends his shower pulling on some clothes and heading downstairs to find out about breakfast. it only takes a few moments to work out an alternative, and by the time inej comes back with coffee and some scones (insisting she could take that herself), Kaz has found himself back in bed. ]

Here.

[ as she sets down the coffee and small basket full of different types of scones on the bedside table next to him, lowering herself for a kiss to his forehead. feeling affectionate. and he looks like he needs it anyway. ]

Eat, I am going to shower and find pajamas of my own. It will take five minutes.

[ to head off the presumed protest that she should sit and eat too. ]

[ What he can say about the shower is that the little it managed to do helped take the edge off his frustration. So when Inej comes back in and kisses his forehead, he gives her a small, quick smile. ]

Thanks.

[ She also knows him too well, since she doesn't give him any room to argue as she walks off to the bathroom, clearly intent on cleaning off and getting comfortable. Ah well, he does take a few moments to watch her go, turning his attention to the coffee once she shuts the door.

That does quite a bit to lift some more of the crankiness, solely because he feels more awake after a few minutes of sipping his drink and picking at one of the scones. ]

[ she takes a quick shower, long enough to wash her hair. it's a quick time of drying herself off and tugging on underwear and a loose shirt, and she emerges from the bathroom toweling off her hair, a slight grin at kaz, who looks noticeably less grumpy.

the coffee, it seems, has done the trick. ]

Can I wish you a good morning, now?

[ amused, as she deposits the damp towel in the corner. she knows that a good deal of his vile mood is because he's in pain, but he's also just impossible first thing in the morning. ]

[ Lying down with his leg propped up means there's still pain but it's a workable kind. Rather, easier to ignore than it had been earlier. Whether that's because the shower did help more or breakfast has curbed his temper, he isn't sure. ]

Yeah, I won't bite. [ He says, owning up to his poor mood. That's definitely more manageable now that he's had some breakfast. ]

[ ah, he’s fine. and inej soon steps up onto the bed only to settle next to him, leaning over him to collect her own cup of coffee. ]

I see.

[ as evidenced by the half eaten scone so far. but as she settles back to sitting next to him, crossing her legs underneath her so she can sip her coffee, inej says: ]

At any rate, we can stay in bed today.

[ he won’t like it but he really should keep his leg up. ]

Edited 2020-09-03 11:40 (UTC)

[ She comes over whenever she's done drying off and dressing, settling next to him with a cup of coffee. As much as he's annoyed by having to stay in bed right now instead of being able to go downstairs and have breakfast, he does like doing this with her. Some of his favorite meals have been from takeout cartons while sitting on the roof of the Slat with Inej.

Of course, the bed is a more comfortable spot.

When she speaks up, he flexes his foot experimentally and winces, giving in to the idea that he'll be here for most if not all of the day. ]

There's worse places to be. [ Even if he hates being stuck in one place because his own body has decided to betray him. ]

There are worse places to be.

[ in agreement, as she sips her coffee, amused.

she can't really remember where the eating on the roof tradition started. she actually isn't sure if he ate up there on his own prior to inej's induction into the dregs, or if he just started to tag along with her when she invited him to join her one night. either way, it was a nice reprieve from the chaos of their respective roles.

so sometimes, it's nice just to sit by themselves without other people. like now, though he's clearly not totally happy about it. ]

Besides, it isn't as if we had anything planned.

[ she says as she reaches over to collect a scone of her own, placing a napkin over her knee, balancing the scone on it while she returns to her coffee. ]

You could go back to sleep, if you really wanted to.

[ He picks at his scone some more, trying to concentrate on that rather than the pull of nerves in his leg. Eventually, he'll mentally phase them out, like he usually does, he just doesn't have enough to occupy his attention away. ]

Well, true. [ Is that better or worse? At least they don't have to cancel plans, aside from breakfast ones. But then, it's not often they have a free day to do whatever they like, so that's a downside. He sinks back into the pillows some more, finishing the rest of his scone and sipping on his coffee. ]

Only if you are too.

[ It's very possible for him to fall back asleep on his own. But why do that when he could cuddle? ]

[ she leans backwards to set her now empty cup on her bedside table, turning her attention to her own scone once she resettles back next to him. and as she neatly breaks it into two, careful not to get crumbs on the sheets -- ]

I wouldn't just leave you here by yourself.

[ as she takes a bite of a piece of her scone, chewing thoughtfully. she would rather stay in bed with him all day than wander the town by herself, anyway. ]

Maybe we could set up a bed in the sun on the balcony. . . the warmth would help. Although you may burn more than you have already.

[ a little wryly, as she reaches out to gently run a thumb over his cheek. ]

We could find an umbrella.

[ She has a pretty good point. The sun is strong enough right now that the warmth might help soothe some of the bone deep ache. Plus, as much as he dislikes the possibility of burning and the general brightness, he honestly doesn't mind the sunlight too much. The grey skies of Ketterdam suit his mood better but he doesn't hate the sun.

He just hates that he's pale enough to burn from it. And the freckles that like to show up with too much exposure. They take away from the severity of his face, he thinks.

(Yes, he is a little vain). ]

As long as my face in the shade, it shouldn't be too bad. Maybe I should've brought a hat.

[ The brim would've done just the trick. With her hand on his cheek, he tilts his face towards the touch, ignoring the way the skin feels a bit too sensitive from yesterday's carelessness. ]

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