[ the hand down her back is soothing and grounding, as she tries to figure out where to begin. she eventually settles on a fact, which is hard to form words about. there's a weight in her throat before she exhales slowly, settling back to look at him with a frown.
. . . which means she immediately sees the anxiety, scrawled all over his features, which causes her frown to deepen. and, almost immediately, she leans forward to give him another kiss, before murmuring against his lips: ]
You did nothing wrong.
[ that seems to be a good place to start, before she settles herself again, taking up one of his hands in her own, squeezing his fingers loosely as she tries to figure out where to go next. ]
I have been having . . . I am -- [ ugh. admitting this thing feels like a weakness, even though she knows it isn't. so she purses her lips, forcing herself to focus before intertwining her fingers with his. the movement feels grounding, and gives her something to focus on. ] I wake up at night, sometimes, and I don't know where I am. I keep -- remembering one of the -- one of them. He used to spend the night, constantly, and --
[ she stops herself, there, because the details aren't really important. or needed, or necessary. nevermind the fact that saints, spitting this out is hard. but she's already started, so she steels her nerve to keep going. ]
I haven't said anything because I -- I feel like I am going backwards, when I don't want to. I want to be normal, and I want to be with you, and I want -- [ she huffs to herself, stopping the train of chaotic thoughts before it can really start. ] So I ignored it, but ignoring it is only making it worse. And then I felt guilty, because I haven't said anything, because I was -- scared to make you upset.
[ it's said a little lamely, because she realizes now that this entire thing has just been inside her own head, and this is stupid. ]
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Date: 2021-07-22 03:22 pm (UTC). . . which means she immediately sees the anxiety, scrawled all over his features, which causes her frown to deepen. and, almost immediately, she leans forward to give him another kiss, before murmuring against his lips: ]
You did nothing wrong.
[ that seems to be a good place to start, before she settles herself again, taking up one of his hands in her own, squeezing his fingers loosely as she tries to figure out where to go next. ]
I have been having . . . I am -- [ ugh. admitting this thing feels like a weakness, even though she knows it isn't. so she purses her lips, forcing herself to focus before intertwining her fingers with his. the movement feels grounding, and gives her something to focus on. ] I wake up at night, sometimes, and I don't know where I am. I keep -- remembering one of the -- one of them. He used to spend the night, constantly, and --
[ she stops herself, there, because the details aren't really important. or needed, or necessary. nevermind the fact that saints, spitting this out is hard. but she's already started, so she steels her nerve to keep going. ]
I haven't said anything because I -- I feel like I am going backwards, when I don't want to. I want to be normal, and I want to be with you, and I want -- [ she huffs to herself, stopping the train of chaotic thoughts before it can really start. ] So I ignored it, but ignoring it is only making it worse. And then I felt guilty, because I haven't said anything, because I was -- scared to make you upset.
[ it's said a little lamely, because she realizes now that this entire thing has just been inside her own head, and this is stupid. ]