timewasting | modern au kanej.

[ For a few beats, she's quiet, her gaze seeming to go far away. He wonders what she's thinking. Wonders if it has something to do with Heleen, as it sometimes does in those unsettling silences.

She shakes off whatever it is, a smile taking the place of the frowning line of her mouth. Part of him wants to ask to make sure she's alright. But this isn't really the time or place for it. ]

Extremely. [ He holds his hand out, knuckles brushing the top of the table, clearly asking for her to take it. When she does, he runs his thumb along the backs of her fingers, focused on the motion. ]

I think we'll be alright. [ A beat and then: ] I'm glad you asked.

[ He'd been batting it around in his mind for what's felt like months. And just never coming to a conclusion. There's even a document on his desktop that's a list of pros and cons. It hadn't really helped much. ]

[ indeed, she does take his hand, and her lips curve into a softer smile as he runs his thumb over the backs of her fingers. it's such a gentle touch, and she gently presses her fingers into kaz's palm, almost half-squeezing his hand. ]

I thought about waiting for you to ask, but I was impatient.

[ a slight confession, expression slightly sheepish. she had genuinely thought to herself that she would wait until he asked her, but it was clear that someone had to make the first move, and it became even more clear that that person was going to have to be her. kaz is brilliant and tenacious and stubborn, but also shy. with some things, anyway. ]

I also missed you.

[ a lot. it was almost painful, how much she missed him being around all the time. ]

So it seemed silly to keep lying to myself when I got back.

[ It's a bit strange, wanting to seek out the touch. He isn't used to it, usually feeling a knee jerk reaction of nausea when he thought about it in the past. There's still some of that to work through, but the idea of trying to kiss her hand or cheek doesn't fill him with dread. Even just holding her hand now makes him feel warm. ]

I missed you, too. [ He gets the feeling both of them had some difficulty readjusting after he'd left Ravka. While he was there, they'd fallen into a familiar pattern. Well, familiar enough. It had certainly changed, since he hadn't let her stay on the couch. Sharing a bed had certainly shifted their relationship. ]

You know, Jes is going to be intolerable. [ Their friend had called this, months ago. He's been badgering Kaz ever since, wondering when he was going to ask Inej out. ]

[ his comment about Jesper sparks a grin, and inej curls her fingers around his in a light squeeze as she laughs. ]

I think he will be happy, not intolerable.

[ slightly chiding. Though, to Kaz, they are probably the same thing. though it begs the question: ]

How often do you talk about me with Jesper?

He'll be both.

[ Though he can't stop the small smile that curls his mouth up. Not when she's laughing, the sound so infectious. ]

Every so often. He usually asks how you're doing.

[ Okay maybe it's a bit more than that, though he almost never starts the conversation. He made exactly one comment about it being strange that Inej wasn't in the apartment and Jesper has gotten in his case about it since then.

And ever since he went to Ravka, Jesper's been a pest about the nature of their relationship. Probably because he put his foot in his mouth and mentioned they shared her bed. Completely platonically, but apparently that had stoked a fire.

Really, he'd wanted to stop thinking about it. But he couldn't, not with Jes reminding him near daily and his own mind being traitorous. He feels a bit of a flush on his face at the thought.

Their server comes back over with a pot of tea, something to warm them further. Reluctantly, he lets go of her hand to pour her a cup. ]

Last time, he wanted to know if you've gotten into arguments with your professors.

[ she withdraws her hand (similarly reluctant) to collect the tea he’s poured her, giving him a smile in thanks as she blows on it lightly before sipping. and she’s not too sure Kaz is telling the whole truth, about his conversations with Jesper, but inej plays along anyway. ]

No arguments, only spirited disagreements.

[ she says lightly, sipping her tea again. ]

It is not my fault that Ravkan men are often wrong.

[ and inej knows far more about the suli language and culture than any ravkan does, thank you. ]

[ He pours himself a cup and takes a sip after cooling it off a bit. It hides the smile when she corrects his phrasing; spirited disagreements, indeed. ]

Are they? [ That, he'd genuinely curious about. She's told him a bit about the Suli and some about Ravka in general, though more on the government body and the architectural history. Not as much about the people themselves. Though he has some stereotypes to work off of. Sort of. There might be a grain of truth to them, just like there is for the things said about the Kerch. ]

There are cultural tensions, and Ravka has not been very kind to my people.

[ with a shrug of her shoulder as she sips her tea. it manifests itself in odd ways, and inej admittedly hadn't been used to being back in ravka again. kerch isn't exactly diverse, but ketterdam has people coming and going. ravka is so massive that there tends to be pockets of people spread throughout, and port cities like os kervo see the most traffic. it doesn't stop the mild frustration that stems from the fact that inej is one of the only suli people in her classes. which is annoying, especially when discussing her own culture.

hence spirited disagreements, she supposes. ]

But hopefully that will soon change, with the new leadership . . . but vestiges of it still remain. People are slow to learn new things, I think. But it will get better.

[ sooner, hopefully, rather than later. the new king seems earnest to fix the sins of his family's past. they shall see. ]

[ Ravka, as he recalls, has barely been kind to its own people. Seems like the Suli got the even worse end of the stick. Which makes him frown—he doesn't like the idea that Inej is having to deal with any of that. At the very least he can dissuade it here if anyone were to make comments.

The Kerch aren't perfect, not by any means, but they do take business seriously. Which means trying to remain on the good side of most every nation so they can keep their trade agreements. It's not the...best reason to play nice. But it does mean there's a significant amount of culture coming and going out of the Ketterdam ports.

A double edged sword, because it does mean they have issues with people getting stuck or going missing. Like Inej, getting roped into a horrible situation. ]

People don't like change or things they don't understand.

[ Understatement of the century. ] That Nikolai of yours had a favorable response. Divisive, but favorable. The Kerch markets think he'll stabilize things.

[ Though they're mostly banking on him doing so because then they get paid. Again; business before all. ]

There is no need to look so concerned.

[ because that is a very specific frown, and inej extends her hand on the table, asking for him to take it again, as she sets her tea down on the table.

from what inej has seen of nikolai, he seems to at least care. the bar is admittedly low, for ravkan royalty, but he seems serious about changing things. it isn't as if inej has any real choice in the matter; she (and everyone else in ravka) really have no choice but to trust him. or have another revolution, which she isn't so sure the country could take.

at any rate, she runs her thumb along his fingers. ]

I need to take you to the capital, the next time you visit.

[ it would probably help put it into perspective. how the rich and wealthy (or, well, appearing rich and wealthy) in ravka live, versus the poor that live just outside the walls of os alta. inej's family had been poor, but were fortunate enough to have a house. it is small, and cramped, but it was at least a dignified home. some of the more rural farmers in the outer lands weren't so lucky.

and, her tone a bit dry: ]

Maybe King Nikolai would be up to having a spirited disagreement or two.

[ if he cared enough to hear the opinion of some nameless suli girl, anyway. the nikolai she has seen on television certainly seems like he would. ]

[ He sets his cup down and takes her hand, soothed by how she draws her thumb over his fingers. True to form he had already been thinking of how he wanted to research more about Ravkan history. Specifically around the Suli. Which probably meant more asking her questions, since the Ravkans themselves would slant it with their own culture when they were two distinct kinds of people. ]

It's really shocking, isn't it? [ That's what she mentioned before. The stark difference between the rich and the poor. Kerch has seen less and less of that, though the Barrel was still notorious. ]

He might. Can you petition? [ Honestly he has no idea how a monarchy still works nowadays. ]

It answers a lot of questions about why the people of Ravka are so angry with the royal family.

[ simply enough, though she does grin a little at the petition suggestion. she imagines you have to be rather important, to meet the king, and she just isn't. but she spends the rest of the dinner answering questions about ravka, and what she knows about nikolai. the dinner ends with them both warm and full, and they walk back to the apartment.

the snow has picked up a bit, and it's very apparent that tomorrow is going to be a snow day. the snow is accumulating quickly and is becoming heavy and sticky - perfect snowball weather, and inej is sorely tempted at least once to try her luck at hitting kaz with one, but she resists the urge.

by the time they both get back home and changed into clothes that aren't covered in snow, inej is intent on curling up on the couch with a warm blanket. which is exactly what she does, draping the blanket over them both as she slides in next to him, sighing in comfort. ]

Snow is horrible.

[ she decides, rubbing her hands together to spark some amount of warmth back into them. ]

It looks beautiful, but I think I appreciate it more when I look out of the window.

[ During dinner, he learns quite a bit about Ravkan policies and politics. As well as Nikolai himself—it seems he ousted his parents due to some flagrantly awful behavior. His brother, who would've been in line, had passed away. That left the more charismatic and progressive of the two. Which theyd all see how progressive he actually was, but it seemed hopeful. His general is half-Suli, the first someone of such heritage had ever held a high position in the Ravkan hierarchy.

Shame it took so long, but he supposes change is better late than never in this case.

Full and warm, they walk back to the apartment. He picks his way there slowly, careful with the piling snow and slippery walkways. His cane is an even bigger help in times like these, but that doesn't make him fall proof.

Suffice to say, he's relieved to get into non-snowy clothes and settle in on the couch. His leg is bothering him a bit, in the way that it does when it's cold out and he's done some walking in the snow. It's stiff. He ignores it in favor of essentially cuddling up next to Inej on the couch, hesitantly looping an arm around her middle to keep her close. ]

It's nice to look at and that's about it. [ When he was a child, he loved snow days. Ever since he broke his leg, he likes them a lot less. ]

Warm enough? [ He asks, covering her small hands with one of his to help bring the heat back into them. ]

[ the arm around her middle feels nice, and she rests her head against his chest to get a little bit more comfortable. his heartbeat is a steady thrum, a quick pulse, which causes her lips to twitch into a faint smile. he's nervous. so she gently holds his hand, running her thumbs over his palm. ]

I am fine.

[ in reassurance, curling a little closer into his side. he's so warm that it's hard to believe they were out in the snow just a handful of moments ago. and as she makes herself comfortable, gently running her thumb along his palm, she says: ]

What are you thinking about?

[ curiously. what has him so nervous? ]

[ She rests her head on his chest and he can feel his pulse pick up. This shouldn't make him anxious and yet it does. It's somewhat new territory, after all. Because they've sat close together before but not quite like this.

At least, not on purpose. They'd definitely rolled towards each other when they'd been sharing her bed. Which had resulted in some very awkward mornings for him. ]

You.

[ He says and then looks a bit surprised at himself, clearly not intending to be so forthright. It's out there though, and it feels strangely good to have said it. ]

[ the response both surprises her and doesn't, and inej tilts her head up a little to actually look at him. he looks surprised with himself, but still nervous. uncertain, maybe?

inej gently squeezes his fingers. ]

I have never done this before either.

[ she says after a moment, turning just a little bit so she can face him a little more completely, resting her cheek against his shoulder. they are extraordinarily close, now. she could lean forward and kiss his cheek, if she wanted to. which she sort of does, but something in her is telling her to wait. ]

But I am glad I am doing this with you.

[ He feels a bit reassured, both when she squeezes his hand and when she mentions that she's new to this as well. There hadn't been any reason she could do this while in Heleen's employ. Not only from a lack of time but also: anyone visiting that place hadn't been interested in a healthy relationship. He frowns briefly, thinking of the awful men she had to endure.

When she sets her cheek on his shoulder, he tilts his head, chin resting along her hairline. It's...nice. To be held like this. ]

Me too. I've wanted this for a while but— [ He'd been too nervous. Too afraid of messing up a friendship he loved for what it was. ]

I know.

[ it's said easily, letting her eyes close at the feeling of kaz resting his chin on top of her head. it feels comfortable and warm, but also safe. which isn't a feeling she associates with being held very often.

she doesn't specify what she knows, exactly. that she knows what kaz means, or that she knows he wanted it for awhile, or that she knows it's difficult. maybe all of the above.

she used to imagine what it would be like, meeting someone she loved. she hadn't really expected it to be like this, but honestly, it couldn't have happened any better way. now she has the freedom to enjoy it, love. or whatever this feeling inside her chest is.

at any rate: ]

You need to breathe.

[ she says after a moment, a faint smile appearing, her eyes still closed. ]

Your heart feels like it is going to explode out of your chest, and I would hate our first date to end like that.

[ how unfortunate, winding up in the emergency room due to a heart attack. ]

[ How she knows, exactly, he isn't sure. Well, it could just simply be that he's been obvious. He has no idea how she was reading his reactions.

Or maybe she was feeling very similarly, so she can understand what he's getting at. How long, he wonders. Have they been on the same wavelength for months? It's certainly felt that way. Even as soon as a couple months had passed, he thinks, of her moving in. He just hadn't wanted to acknowledge it from the fear.

And of course, she has good advice. As usual. So he quirks a small smile and takes a slow, deep breath in, willing his heart rate down. ]

Not the most ideal way to end a date. Or a night in general.

[ There, he said it. That makes it official, signed and sealed: an actual date. He turns his head, pressing his cheek to her hair, letting out an equally slow breath. It feels like his nerves are thrumming less as he concentrates on not panicking. ]

What do you want to watch tomorrow?

[ he shifts his head closer, which is a good sign, she thinks. he feels like he's relaxing a little bit more. the last thing she wants is for him to feel uncomfortable. touch is difficult for her, too . . . or at least, certain aspects of it, are. she doesn't feel panicked at all, like this. it's hard to feel nervous around someone you've already shared a bed with, after all. if she can do that, then this would be easy.

hopefully, anyway. ]

Hmmm.

[ it's a thoughtful hum, as she continues to run her thumb over the palm of his hand, the motion meant to be soothing and repetitive. his heartbeat underneath her cheek is soothing, his arm around her waist warm.

nothing immediately comes to mind, and so inej settles on a tried and true favorite. ]

We should use Netflix shuffle on the documentary section and see what happens.

[ the last time they did that, inej had the great misfortune of sitting through a two hour documentary on the history of the kerch stock exchange and how foreign wars affected it roughly fifty years ago. she is pretty sure kaz enjoyed it more than she did. ]

[ She hums and keeps stroking her thumb on his palm and there's something soothing about the combination. The hum he can feel against his chest, strangely comforting. ]

it hasn't done us wrong yet. [ Well– ] Except that last one, I thought you were going to fall asleep sitting up.

[ Yes, he noticed. But he was touched that she trooped through it. He might've also gotten distracted watching her through the latter half of it. Or just how close was too close to sit next to her.

He thinks he'll much prefer what they're doing now, nearly her entire body weight pressed against his side. A thought occurs to him and he goes still, wondering if he should say anything. It's entirely possible he's doing what he usually does: making a mountain out of a molehill. ]

Did you– were you going to stay in your room? [ His face flushes as soon as the words are out. Which is silly, because they'd shared her smaller bed for almost two weeks straight. And she's stayed in his bed once, when they'd both gotten too drunk. It'd been totally fine and would remain that way.

Probably. Trying to convince himself of that it is a bit difficult. ]

[ he becomes tense suddenly, a stillness washing over him, and inej is about to laugh at his comment about the documentary when the mood shifts. so she blinks her eyes open, and is about to ask what's the matter when he spits out his question. or suggestion?

so she sits up a little bit. not moving away, but just straightening up so she can look at him. he's clearly anxious, though it's likely not obvious to very many people who know kaz. and he asked her, which means he's clearly thinking what if . . . and inej is certain it would be fine. they did just fine in ravka. it was comfortable, and nothing horrible happened.

but the hesitation and the tension in his shoulders makes her offer him a soft smile, and inej lets go of his hand to gently brush a loose piece of hair out of his face, mussed slightly by the snow. ]

I think we can have our own beds tonight.

[ she personally doesn't care, but it's probably smart to set pace, right? and besides, as she continues with a slight grin: ]

We are spending the whole day on the couch tomorrow, so we had better save our energy.

[ He's overthinking this. He almost had to be, because that's what he does with everything. Sometimes, it's helpful—at work, he carefully tracks patterns and thinks through plans, trying not to miss details.

With people and anything outside of work, he's been held back by sheer nerves. Chances are if Inej had waited for him to say something, they would've been waiting forever. And now he's anxiously thinking of everything that could go wrong, despite it having been completely fine when he'd visited Ravka. So he isn't sure if he feels relieved or annoyed (at himself) when she suggests it might be a good idea to stay separate. His nerves find relief, in a way, some of the pressure lessened by her smile and the gentle way she brushes some of his hair away from his face.

The other part of him, the one that wants to be close and is rather eager about this whole arrangement feels nothing but disappointment. A constant internal fight, really. ]

Like cats. [ Saving up energy to yawn and nap. He gives her a smile that hopefully isn't stiff, catching her hand carefully before she pulls it away. Tilting his head, he gently presses a kiss to her palm before he can second guess himself. ]

[ his smile isn't stuff, but something is still clinging to him, and inej is about to reassure him that it's fine when he catches her hand. and she blinks, almost unsure if she did something wrong when he kisses the palm of her hand.

it causes a slight pinkness to show in her cheeks, as she thinks to herself that she's never been kissed before. -- or, well, she has, but not because she wanted to be, and certainly not with any gentleness or care. the gentle press of his lips against her hand is so absurdly gentle and soft, almost shy, that her smile creeps upward, just a bit bigger.

she shifts her hand to press her palm against his cheek, running her thumb over his cheekbone before leaning forward, shifting up onto her knees just a bit to press her lips gently against his forehead.

it's impulsive. and honestly, inej thinks she would rather lower herself the few inches for a real kiss. but kaz had drawn his boundary of comfort, and inej thinks it's a smart one. gentle, relatively chaste. ]

Like cats.

[ in agreement with a smile, settling back onto her heels, her hand caressing his face once more before letting it drop back into his lap. ]

But I could be talked into a different decision if you think it would be wise. Either way is fine.

[ either way, inej will probably not sleep very well, an even flip between disappointment at lying in bed by herself and thrilled to be with him. ]

[ Part of him feels the nerves after he kisses her palm. But, he meets her gaze and smiles, noting the flush on her cheeks. It's barely visible against her darker skin but he thinks he can make it out. Something about it gives her a charming look.

He doesn't expect the reciprocation and freezes briefly when she sits up and leans closer. When he realizes she's only kissing his forehead he relaxes again, the motion somehow soothing. Gentle. He tilts his cheek into her hand when she draws her thumb across it, eyes closing for a moment at the feel of her warmed palm. Her fingertips are still chilly. He doesn't care. ]

Maybe...it wouldn't be so bad. [ Because all the pitfalls are made up, aren't they? Even if his mind is repeatedly trying to convince him otherwise. ]

It'd be like Ravka. [ And not nearly as cramped. ]

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