timewasting | modern au kanej.

[ He feels a bit reassured, both when she squeezes his hand and when she mentions that she's new to this as well. There hadn't been any reason she could do this while in Heleen's employ. Not only from a lack of time but also: anyone visiting that place hadn't been interested in a healthy relationship. He frowns briefly, thinking of the awful men she had to endure.

When she sets her cheek on his shoulder, he tilts his head, chin resting along her hairline. It's...nice. To be held like this. ]

Me too. I've wanted this for a while but— [ He'd been too nervous. Too afraid of messing up a friendship he loved for what it was. ]

I know.

[ it's said easily, letting her eyes close at the feeling of kaz resting his chin on top of her head. it feels comfortable and warm, but also safe. which isn't a feeling she associates with being held very often.

she doesn't specify what she knows, exactly. that she knows what kaz means, or that she knows he wanted it for awhile, or that she knows it's difficult. maybe all of the above.

she used to imagine what it would be like, meeting someone she loved. she hadn't really expected it to be like this, but honestly, it couldn't have happened any better way. now she has the freedom to enjoy it, love. or whatever this feeling inside her chest is.

at any rate: ]

You need to breathe.

[ she says after a moment, a faint smile appearing, her eyes still closed. ]

Your heart feels like it is going to explode out of your chest, and I would hate our first date to end like that.

[ how unfortunate, winding up in the emergency room due to a heart attack. ]

[ How she knows, exactly, he isn't sure. Well, it could just simply be that he's been obvious. He has no idea how she was reading his reactions.

Or maybe she was feeling very similarly, so she can understand what he's getting at. How long, he wonders. Have they been on the same wavelength for months? It's certainly felt that way. Even as soon as a couple months had passed, he thinks, of her moving in. He just hadn't wanted to acknowledge it from the fear.

And of course, she has good advice. As usual. So he quirks a small smile and takes a slow, deep breath in, willing his heart rate down. ]

Not the most ideal way to end a date. Or a night in general.

[ There, he said it. That makes it official, signed and sealed: an actual date. He turns his head, pressing his cheek to her hair, letting out an equally slow breath. It feels like his nerves are thrumming less as he concentrates on not panicking. ]

What do you want to watch tomorrow?

[ he shifts his head closer, which is a good sign, she thinks. he feels like he's relaxing a little bit more. the last thing she wants is for him to feel uncomfortable. touch is difficult for her, too . . . or at least, certain aspects of it, are. she doesn't feel panicked at all, like this. it's hard to feel nervous around someone you've already shared a bed with, after all. if she can do that, then this would be easy.

hopefully, anyway. ]

Hmmm.

[ it's a thoughtful hum, as she continues to run her thumb over the palm of his hand, the motion meant to be soothing and repetitive. his heartbeat underneath her cheek is soothing, his arm around her waist warm.

nothing immediately comes to mind, and so inej settles on a tried and true favorite. ]

We should use Netflix shuffle on the documentary section and see what happens.

[ the last time they did that, inej had the great misfortune of sitting through a two hour documentary on the history of the kerch stock exchange and how foreign wars affected it roughly fifty years ago. she is pretty sure kaz enjoyed it more than she did. ]

[ She hums and keeps stroking her thumb on his palm and there's something soothing about the combination. The hum he can feel against his chest, strangely comforting. ]

it hasn't done us wrong yet. [ Well– ] Except that last one, I thought you were going to fall asleep sitting up.

[ Yes, he noticed. But he was touched that she trooped through it. He might've also gotten distracted watching her through the latter half of it. Or just how close was too close to sit next to her.

He thinks he'll much prefer what they're doing now, nearly her entire body weight pressed against his side. A thought occurs to him and he goes still, wondering if he should say anything. It's entirely possible he's doing what he usually does: making a mountain out of a molehill. ]

Did you– were you going to stay in your room? [ His face flushes as soon as the words are out. Which is silly, because they'd shared her smaller bed for almost two weeks straight. And she's stayed in his bed once, when they'd both gotten too drunk. It'd been totally fine and would remain that way.

Probably. Trying to convince himself of that it is a bit difficult. ]

[ he becomes tense suddenly, a stillness washing over him, and inej is about to laugh at his comment about the documentary when the mood shifts. so she blinks her eyes open, and is about to ask what's the matter when he spits out his question. or suggestion?

so she sits up a little bit. not moving away, but just straightening up so she can look at him. he's clearly anxious, though it's likely not obvious to very many people who know kaz. and he asked her, which means he's clearly thinking what if . . . and inej is certain it would be fine. they did just fine in ravka. it was comfortable, and nothing horrible happened.

but the hesitation and the tension in his shoulders makes her offer him a soft smile, and inej lets go of his hand to gently brush a loose piece of hair out of his face, mussed slightly by the snow. ]

I think we can have our own beds tonight.

[ she personally doesn't care, but it's probably smart to set pace, right? and besides, as she continues with a slight grin: ]

We are spending the whole day on the couch tomorrow, so we had better save our energy.

[ He's overthinking this. He almost had to be, because that's what he does with everything. Sometimes, it's helpful—at work, he carefully tracks patterns and thinks through plans, trying not to miss details.

With people and anything outside of work, he's been held back by sheer nerves. Chances are if Inej had waited for him to say something, they would've been waiting forever. And now he's anxiously thinking of everything that could go wrong, despite it having been completely fine when he'd visited Ravka. So he isn't sure if he feels relieved or annoyed (at himself) when she suggests it might be a good idea to stay separate. His nerves find relief, in a way, some of the pressure lessened by her smile and the gentle way she brushes some of his hair away from his face.

The other part of him, the one that wants to be close and is rather eager about this whole arrangement feels nothing but disappointment. A constant internal fight, really. ]

Like cats. [ Saving up energy to yawn and nap. He gives her a smile that hopefully isn't stiff, catching her hand carefully before she pulls it away. Tilting his head, he gently presses a kiss to her palm before he can second guess himself. ]

[ his smile isn't stuff, but something is still clinging to him, and inej is about to reassure him that it's fine when he catches her hand. and she blinks, almost unsure if she did something wrong when he kisses the palm of her hand.

it causes a slight pinkness to show in her cheeks, as she thinks to herself that she's never been kissed before. -- or, well, she has, but not because she wanted to be, and certainly not with any gentleness or care. the gentle press of his lips against her hand is so absurdly gentle and soft, almost shy, that her smile creeps upward, just a bit bigger.

she shifts her hand to press her palm against his cheek, running her thumb over his cheekbone before leaning forward, shifting up onto her knees just a bit to press her lips gently against his forehead.

it's impulsive. and honestly, inej thinks she would rather lower herself the few inches for a real kiss. but kaz had drawn his boundary of comfort, and inej thinks it's a smart one. gentle, relatively chaste. ]

Like cats.

[ in agreement with a smile, settling back onto her heels, her hand caressing his face once more before letting it drop back into his lap. ]

But I could be talked into a different decision if you think it would be wise. Either way is fine.

[ either way, inej will probably not sleep very well, an even flip between disappointment at lying in bed by herself and thrilled to be with him. ]

[ Part of him feels the nerves after he kisses her palm. But, he meets her gaze and smiles, noting the flush on her cheeks. It's barely visible against her darker skin but he thinks he can make it out. Something about it gives her a charming look.

He doesn't expect the reciprocation and freezes briefly when she sits up and leans closer. When he realizes she's only kissing his forehead he relaxes again, the motion somehow soothing. Gentle. He tilts his cheek into her hand when she draws her thumb across it, eyes closing for a moment at the feel of her warmed palm. Her fingertips are still chilly. He doesn't care. ]

Maybe...it wouldn't be so bad. [ Because all the pitfalls are made up, aren't they? Even if his mind is repeatedly trying to convince him otherwise. ]

It'd be like Ravka. [ And not nearly as cramped. ]

[ he tilts into her touch, and her smile softens further before being replaced by something of a knowing look, as kaz slowly decides that he wants her to sleep in the same room. ]

I think your bed is twice the size of mine.

[ she points out, before she squeezes his fingers a final time before rising to her feet, careful to pull the blanket with her so kaz doesn't get tangled up in it and fall. ]

Your comforter is likely warmer than this blanket, too.

[ and, after she deposits it on the couch, inej holds out her hands to him so she can pull him up, amused. ]

Come on, your leg is probably better off lying down than sitting on the couch.

[ It's a good point, they will technically have more room between each other unlike they had in Ravka. Which is one of the pros he had considered earlier when he was deciding on what to do.

Well, it's sort of both. He did like when they'd accidentally end up cuddling because they didn't have much of a choice in her smaller bed. Here there's more space for them to move about but that also means they'd have to actively roll closer. Which he still can't decide he wants– too nervous about the change in their relationship. He doesn't think she's going to ask for anything more than sleeping or even sleeping close to each other, but he's still worried. Irrationally. Because it's not like she wouldn't ask him. ]

It's definitely warmer. [ He'd pulled his thicker blanket and comforter out a little after he'd gotten back from Ravka– Kerch always got cold so fast. She offers a hand and he takes it, grabbing his cane with the other to make sure he didn't lose his balance. It's a short walk down the hall to his room. A strange thing to be going there so purposefully with Inej. They'd done this when they'd been drunk, but that had been more of a a logical thing. Neither of them had much balance at the time.

But this is different, something he thinks he can feel in the air before he steps in. ]

Do you need to change?

[ it does feel different, though inej doesn't feel any odd pressure in her chest that she usually associates with anxiety. she trusts him, wholly and completely, not to hurt her, or take advantage of her. and when he asks her if she needs to change, she shakes her head.

she hadn't changed into pajamas, necessarily, when she got home, but something close to it. warmer leggings and a larger shirt, comfortable and definitely something she can sleep in. ]

I am fine.

[ in reassurance, as she undoes her hair easily, shaking it out along her shoulders -- but she pauses before she gets into the bed, reaching out to catch his free hand, to squeeze his fingers, before pulling herself closer to him, sliding her arms around his waist for a hug as she tucks her face into his chest.

she remains that way for half a moment before turning her head to press her cheek against his shirt, so she can listen to his heartbeat, saying: ]

I missed you so much.

[ it's a quiet murmur, squeezing him gently.

she feels like she can't really say it enough, now that she's in the same space, again. ]

[ They'd both had some foresight to change into more comfortable clothes when they'd gotten home, it seems. A small relief, since that meant there wouldn't be any awkward changing or anything. Not like when he'd let her borrow his shirt all those months ago.

(Though he has to admit he'd like to see that again).

After stepping into the room, she undoes the braid in her hair, fingers combing out the waves. He wants to reach over and help. Or do that for her, but he doesn't know if that would be too much. So instead, he moves to fold the covers back and set his cane aside. It's easier to walk around in his room without it; he'd arranged the furniture so there was always something for him to lean on, just in case.

She takes his hand before he can sit in bed, pulling them closer, wrapping her arms around his middle in a hug. There's a familiar freeze, anxiety and suddenness both taking hold. It's as she turns her head that he focuses on how warm she is, sliding his arm across her shoulders to return the gesture. Sort of. It's definitely awkward. ]

I thought about you every day. [ How much he wanted to simply sit and watch shows with her. Or have those mornings on the weekends when they'd be doing things independently in the same space—him reading and her doing stretches or trying to catch a string of cute pictures of Lizabeta. The visit to Ravka, he'd thought, would make it easier to miss her less. It had really done the opposite, making his apartment feel empty when he'd gotten back. ]

[ he's so tense, and inej remains still as he slowly hugs her. it's an awkward movement, to be sure, but she squeezes him a little bit, hugging him a little closer to her, enjoying the contact. ]

Good thoughts, I hope.

[ she says in amusement before she lifts her head, tilting it back to rest her chin on his chest, to look up at him with a warm smile. ]

You are safe, you know.

[ it's said gently, letting her hand gently rub his back, trying to be soothing as she remains close. wanting some of that tension and anxiety to bleed out of him, as much as possible. ]

It is not going to change overnight. [ the tension, and anxiety. the fear. certain kinds of touching are still difficult, and inej knows that patience is required to really master all of it. and she squeezes him around the waist again, her smile soft. ] And that is okay.

[ just so he knows. ]

Bed?

[ To her credit, some of the tension does bleed out of him when she gives him another squeeze. It's a reassuring one, rather than anything demanding. Not that he expected she would demand anything, she's always been very understanding of personal space.

Still. It's nice to have in practice, here. ]

Yeah. [ Mostly good thoughts. Plenty that had strayed into salacious territory, which makes a faint blush color his cheeks. The rest had been him worrying; either about her at school or about their relationship. The latter becoming a familiar ping pong between pros and cons of being more than friends.

Which she solved rather neatly by asking instead. And by assuaging his anxieties as she does now, telling umm things aren't going to change overnight and that it was fine.

He lets out a slow breath, looping both arms around her shoulders to return the hug a bit less awkwardly. ]

Okay. Alright. [ He can live with that. No pressure. This is all at their own pace. And this here is something they can both be relatively comfortable with. ]

Ladies first. [ He gives her a small smile, letting go of her shoulders so she can move. Whenever she slides into her spot, he turns the lights out and joins in next to her. Close but not too close. He lies on his back so he can stretch both legs out, though he tilts his head her way, barely making out her profile in the dim light. ]

...I missed this.

[ For all the anxiety that had plagued him about it in Ravka, he'd gotten used to having her in the same bed. ]

[ the second iteration of the hug is a lot better, and inej's lips curve into a slight grin before she squeezes him once more, letting go to head to bed at his ladies first.

his bed is ridiculously comfortable, and as she lays down and the light goes out, inej waits until she feels the weight of kaz sinking into the mattress. she rolls onto her side to be able to look at him, barely making out his features in the dark room. she nearly misses what he says, the i missed this.

it causes her to reach out, gently brushing her fingers against his arm with a soft smile. ]

I did too.

[ which was something of a surprise to her. having someone else in her bed always nauseated her, before. typically because the evenings where someone did spend the night, the evenings that heleen had essentially rented her out for an overnight visit, were always the worst. inej had perfected the art of the fake smile or laugh, to make the time go by faster, but it had never reached her eyes. she doesn't feel the urge to pretend, with kaz.

she lets her arm remain slightly stretched, but no longer touching. ]

Can I ask you something?

[ she says, shifting a bit further into her pillow. ]

[ Something about her feeling the same way is warming. Not only from them being on the same page, which he hadn't been entirely sure of, but also the fact that she felt safe enough to be this close. He's never brought it up, knowing everything was too fresh, but he at least has some idea on what she'd gone through with Heleen. Strange men sharing her bed because it was her job. Pretending for the sake of the check and so Heleen didn't take her rage out on her.

Or even worse: so the client didn't take out their displeasure on her either. Every now and again he thinks about that awful place. Mostly when the legal proceedings are grinding away as they usually do. It's a horrific but effective reminder not to quit.

(Not that he's usually suffered motivationally once he's decided something. But still).

She isn't anxious or upset here and that's what matters. ]

Hm?

[ honestly, of all the boys to fall in love with, inej is fairly certain she lucked out with someone who really didn't like to touch. at least she doesn't need to worry about wandering hands.

inej doubts kaz sees it that way. and so she keeps that idle thought to herself. instead, her tone becomes a little light, almost teasing: ]

How upset would you be if I planned you a birthday party?

[ because she would be here, for his birthday. as cold and miserable as it usually is, weather-wise. it seems something to celebrate, while she was in town. and she knows jesper and the others would love to celebrate, too.

the problem is the resident birthday boy loathes a fuss. and parties in general. but she thinks he might tolerate a dinner. ]

[ Honestly, he isn't sure what she's going to ask. Is it about the touch thing? Is it about their friendship? He dreads the first one, even if he thinks she won't ask. She's good about respecting privacy.

So he is surprised when she asks something so light and teasing. He can't stop the huff of a laugh that comes on the heels of a short, relieved exhalation. ]

That depends. What are you thinking?

At least six big top tents.

[ she says seriously, though the deadpan is ruined by the sound of a slight laugh at hearing kaz's own breathy laugh, grinning a little into her pillow. ]

Inviting half the town . . . letting Jesper control the guest list is a must.

[ she is clearly teasing, at this point. she will likely just treat him to a quiet dinner in the corner of his favorite restaurant. but she'll have fun planning the imaginary party anyway. ]

You gonna get me a ringmaster costume with all that?

[ He retorts but is obviously amused by the picture she's described, his grin leaking through his words. Six big tops? All the people he's ever met wouldn't even fill one. The people he'd actually want there would fill considerably less. That is, if he even had a party. Which he won't. Probably. ]

He'll invite half of Novyi Zem.

Obviously.

[ as a response to both statements, curling her legs up a bit more to get comfortable. she's fairly certain that kaz knows just as well as she does that there is not going to be a huge party. mostly because kaz won't show up to one, inej thinks. uncomfortable with the attention. or just entertaining a lot of people at once. he seems to prefer his quiet and solitude.

for the most part, anyway. he did say he had missed having her around. ]

All the cake that you could eat, too.

[ she also knows that kaz has a certain distaste for quite a lot of sugar, and would rather skip the whole birthday cake ordeal. she also can't quite envision him blowing out candles to make a wish. ]

[ He does indeed know she's not going to throw him a party like that. For one, he wouldn't even show up. For two, he's not entirely sure any of his friends would be too comfortable with such an event. Jesper and Nina maybe but their respective partners could only handle so much.

Kaz shifts around a bit, turning in her direction, putting them closer together. The anxiety from earlier seems almost silly now because he feels so comfortable. ]

If you said pie, I could almost be sold. [ While he's not exactly one for sweets, he does have a sort of nostalgia for tarts and pies. His father made plenty when he'd been younger. ] I'd let Nina take the cakes.

[ She gets blissful when she walks past the fancy patisseries with the decorative cakes and tiers. Would be awful to keep her from it. ]

[ ah, nina does love cake, and inej is certain she wouldn't complain an ounce if she was allowed kaz's birthday cake to herself. but the line of thought is distracted a little, when she feels kaz roll onto his side to face her, moving a little closer. getting slightly more comfortable. ]

Pie, then.

[ inej thinks she can manage that, in this imaginary birthday party that is absolutely not going to happen. or maybe some of it can happen in parts. she thinks a quiet movie night at home with their friends would be acceptable to him, and not too overwhelming.

besides, she can always go out to dinner with him on his actual birthday. just the two of them. which sounds perfect, honestly. ]

I do not think Nina would complain too much if she had pie instead of cake, anyway.

No, she probably wouldn't. [ If there was a sweet to be had, she wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

All this does make him wonder what exactly Inej has up her sleeve. Because it certainly isn't elaborate like what they've been discussing. Honestly, he'd be most fine with neither of them going anywhere and just spending time reading or catching up on movies. Especially now that there's an entirely new facet to them being able to spend time around each other. This being sort of like it: close, without the nerves of being unsure what their relationship was. There's still nerves, of course, but that's just his life in a nutshell.

Reaching out carefully, mostly because he can't see much in the dark, he traces his fingers along her palm and down her wrist, stopping when he gets to the pulse point. ]

You don't really have to plan anything.

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