[ therapy had been difficult today. it’s difficult every day, really, but today had been exceptionally hard. because for the first time, inej had forced herself to remember. to pick apart memories she hadn’t thought about in a long time. and really tackle why she felt such a heavy weight in her chest whenever she was intimate, the creeping sense of dread and shame whenever her heart rate returned to normal and she tried to fall asleep in kaz’s arms.
she’s long since run out of tears to shed, which has left her feeling both overwhelmed and exhausted, upon letting herself back into their apartment. she doesn’t see kaz immediately, which she feels a little relief for. part of her feels guilty, for struggling. and not saying anything. but most of her needs a moment to relax.
so she finds herself on the couch, curling up underneath a thick blanket, exhaling slowly as she closes her eyes. letting a moment of peace wash over her as she focuses on calming her nerve.
[ Today has been a long day. Profitable and productive, sure, but long and equally tiring to a point. Anika had looked at him apologetically when he'd walked in the door and after he glanced at his calendar, he'd understood why. Back to back meetings and calls, with basically no downtime to just sift through paperwork. Tomorrow would be a nightmare of updating portfolios and sheets with the information he'd taken down today.
When he'd gotten home, he'd gotten a bit of a head start, just plugging in some notes and reminders for himself. Inej hadn't been back yet—therapy day, as he knows. He's wrapping up said notes when he finally does hear her come in, the door opening and closing and then a relative silence. Her steps are always quiet, after all.
She doesn't announce herself though, or come into the room. Which means she probably needs at least a few minutes by herself. A particularly harrowing session today, he guesses. Or maybe she's just generally tired.
Whatever the case, he still has enough to keep him occupied for a bit longer so she can have her space.
It's another ten or so minutes before he closes the lid on his computer, pulling himself away from work to finally check in on Inej. Who, by all accounts, seems to have taken after Lizabeta by the shape of her blanket nest on the couch. ]
[ she hears him get up, the sound of chair against carpet, and then the sound of his cane. enough for her to tug the blanket away from her face a little as he comes into view.
she looks tired, but the smile on her face is genuine when her eyes meet his. she always feels better whenever she knows he’s nearby. hard days are no exception to that rule. ]
Hi.
[ it’s said warmly enough, and though she hadn’t been sure she wanted contact before, she suddenly craves it now. and so she scoots herself up into sitting, making room on the couch for him amidst the blankets.
there is nothing she wants more, she decides, than to be held by him. but he has to come over, first. ]
[ She does look tired when he comes into the living room, her eyes have that exhausted edge to them. He's seen it when she's come back from therapy before. Or when she's dealt with anything related to Heleen. Though that usually gives her a grim line to her mouth.
That's not here, a sleepy looking smile being shown in his direction.
He wants to curl her close. Which they seem to align on, because she sits up and makes some space on the couch, amidst her cotton and polyester nest. So he comes over, slowly lowering himself next to her before he sets his cane aside. One arm loops around her middle before he leans over to kiss her cheek. ]
If I kept going, I'd be there until midnight. [ So yes, he's done. ] How was it?
[ there’s no anxiety or tug of fear in her chest, at the arm around her middle. nor at the kiss to her cheek. she only feels warm, and safe. loved, really.
worrying had been stupid.
so inej soon shifts to tuck herself against him, draping her legs loosely over his lap, dragging the blankets with her. she makes sure to return the kiss, though it’s to the palm of his hand as she takes his hand into her own. ]
I talked about the Menagerie. [ so, awful. but she rests her cheek against his chest, exhaling slowly as she closes her eyes. ] But I feel better, now that I’m home. [ with him. ]
[ There's not a wasted moment before she scoots closer, draping her legs over his lap like she normally does. It settles some minute worry—he knows how difficult her therapy conversations can be. Not that he knows all of the details, but he's there in the aftermath, when she's come back drained. And once, when she hadn't quite wanted to be touched yet. Or maybe he's just gotten better at reading her since then.
Whatever the case, he gives her an affectionate squeeze around her middle, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. ]
Good. [ In that she feels better, being here. ] I don't know how you can talk about that place at all.
[ She's brave. He doesn't think he could do it. Hasn't, really, choosing to avoid a therapist all through the Rollins case. It's been done for a couple years now, but he still hesitates. ]
[ quietly, feeling another wave of relaxation wash over her at the feeling of his cheek pressed against her hair. worrying over not being able to feel comfortable with him had been silly. how could she even waste the thought.
she cuddles herself a little closer, fingers curling around his to squeeze his hand gently. ]
I want to feel better. [ it’s what drives her, every single day. ] And I can’t let her live in my head for the rest of my life. So I have to get her out.
[ Her body language loosens further, the weight pressing against him saying that she's more relaxed now. Having her lean against him like this seems like it should be uncomfortable, but it's the opposite. Whatever tension he'd be hanging on to from work has started to evaporate, shoulders dropping from how he usually holds them up tight.
His thumb lazily sweeps over her knuckles, a gentle back and forth, both reassuring and affectionate. He really doesn't know how she can do it, go and spill her feelings to a stranger every week. And while he gets why, it's still something that fills him with a gripping anxiety at the thought of doing the same.
Rollins faced justice, that's all that matters. The rest he can just...deal with. Besides, at least he can have this: Inej curled up on his lap while he holds her. ]
Like an exorcism, huh. [ He pauses, grinning a bit to himself. ] I suppose she is a demon woman.
[ with half a laugh, feeling his grin against the top of her head. drawing poison from a wound is what she thinks about, when considering her weekly appointment. it’s a messy process, but a necessary one. letting anger control her will only kill her, in the end.
besides, it’s brought her to this point, with kaz. it’s worth it, in the end. ]
It’s mostly about figuring out what bothers me, and how to deal with it. [ the feeling of his thumb running over her knuckles is soothing, and grounding. ] So I feel in control, whenever I feel overwhelmed. It helps.
[ It's fitting, honestly, Heleen being the face of a devil. He doesn't put much stock in such things, is well aware that humans are more than capable of horrible things without outside influence. Still, thinking of her that way makes it easier to set aside the flare of anger that bubbles up when he considers what she's done to Inej.
Kaz doesn't have the greatest sense of humor but this was certainly a case of better to laugh than to yell.
He moves the hand around her middle, fingers tracing the notches of her braid as she continues to explain. ]
Not being pulled by a tide. [ That connection hits too close, reminds him of a time he'd rather not think of while she was in his lap. He blinks away the strange afterimage of water he gets sometimes, when the flood comes up. ]
[ being pulled under by the tide is an apt description. that is how it feels like, sometimes - like drowning, no matter how hard to try to swim. but something shifts in his demeanor, when he says it, the tiniest hitch of breath before he asks if she wants dinner.
she lets it go, instead humming to herself before sitting up a bit, so she can look at him. her expression shifts a little, from a good-natured tired to something a little more closed-off. anxious, maybe? but she quells that nerve to lean forward to gently kiss him, her hands finding his face. ]
I need to tell you something, first.
[ it had been her proverbial homework, from her therapist. who insisted that avoiding discussing it and continuing to push herself was only going to be more harmful in the long run. the weight had been resting with her the entire way home, and while inej was certain that kaz would understand whatever boundary she put in place, the nasty voice in the back of her mind continued to claw at her, heleen telling her that she was just going to wind up being alone. and unloved.
a stupid thought, considering everything. and an irrational one. but she still finds herself summoning some level of nerve, and said nerve fails her for a moment before she tips her head forward, resting her forehead against his chest to seek some level of comfort. or maybe an ounce of bravery. ]
But I don't know where to start.
[ it's a murmur, and a slightly frustrated one, as she curls her fingers into his shirt. ]
[ For a moment, she seems ready to sit up and pursue the idea of dinner. Her expression changes, though, as he catches her eye, and he can't make out what she could be thinking. There's almost a wariness or nervousness. ]
Okay.
[ No small measure of anxiety bubbles up, worried about the many directions this can go. How bad is it? Is it her health? Something else? Has he done something awful without knowing?
She presses her forehead to his chest again and he tries to swallow the nerves. Whatever she needs to say is obviously important, moreso than the spiral he's worked himself up to. He slowly pets his hand down her back, both for her sake and his. ]
[ the hand down her back is soothing and grounding, as she tries to figure out where to begin. she eventually settles on a fact, which is hard to form words about. there's a weight in her throat before she exhales slowly, settling back to look at him with a frown.
. . . which means she immediately sees the anxiety, scrawled all over his features, which causes her frown to deepen. and, almost immediately, she leans forward to give him another kiss, before murmuring against his lips: ]
You did nothing wrong.
[ that seems to be a good place to start, before she settles herself again, taking up one of his hands in her own, squeezing his fingers loosely as she tries to figure out where to go next. ]
I have been having . . . I am -- [ ugh. admitting this thing feels like a weakness, even though she knows it isn't. so she purses her lips, forcing herself to focus before intertwining her fingers with his. the movement feels grounding, and gives her something to focus on. ] I wake up at night, sometimes, and I don't know where I am. I keep -- remembering one of the -- one of them. He used to spend the night, constantly, and --
[ she stops herself, there, because the details aren't really important. or needed, or necessary. nevermind the fact that saints, spitting this out is hard. but she's already started, so she steels her nerve to keep going. ]
I haven't said anything because I -- I feel like I am going backwards, when I don't want to. I want to be normal, and I want to be with you, and I want -- [ she huffs to herself, stopping the train of chaotic thoughts before it can really start. ] So I ignored it, but ignoring it is only making it worse. And then I felt guilty, because I haven't said anything, because I was -- scared to make you upset.
[ it's said a little lamely, because she realizes now that this entire thing has just been inside her own head, and this is stupid. ]
[ Her reassurance doesn't make all of his worry dissipate but it does lessen by a fraction, some of the pinch around his eyes relaxing. She re-settles again, giving his hands a little squeeze. He returns the motion, just liking the feel of her fingers in his. It gives him something to focus on as a background thing, as he sweeps his thumbs across the backs of her hands. Almost dispelling the nervous energy.
Almost, but not quite.
His attention is on her, though, as she starts talking again, working her way through what's a clearly difficult topic. Even if they haven't experienced the same things in their past, he can empathize with how hard it is. He's never been one to talk about his feelings, not easily at any rate. So he's patient through her start and stop, even if it feels like there's panic rising in the back of his throat.
It drops out momentarily when she gets to the heart of the matter–she's been reminded of someone in her past, someone who did her more harm than can be seen here. A man who'd stayed after his initial visits; whether he'd been lonely or perverse, it didn't matter. She was still feeling those impressions, waking up in the middle of the night with fear.
He swallows the initial sting because he knows it isn't personal. This is something she's working through, so soon in the wake of her escaping from that place. There's a memory floating to the top of how he felt directly after Rollins, after the flood. For a while he couldn't sleep with anything more than a sheet, a comforter too heavy and making him feel like he was drowning. Even after he'd been living with Sofia and Tomassen for a year, he'd still wake up in the middle of the night, disoriented. It would take him a few minutes to remember which room he was in (home, not his dead father's house, nor the temporary places he'd ended up).
So, he gently curls his arm around her shoulders, giving her as much of a hug as he can from this angle. ]
I'm not upset. [ Just so she knows that up front. ] What can I do?
[ If he needs to sleep elsewhere, that's do-able. Or if she needs a pillow division between them–whatever it is. ]
[ the hug helps quell her nerves. but it's really the gentle ask of what he can do that causes her to feel the sudden relief. that the dozen ways she envisioned this conversation in her head had been pointless, and of course he would be fine. and gentle, and encouraging, and want to help her, rather than push her away. or cut his losses, when the going got too difficult.
so inej soon shifts to straddle his hips. the movement should spark some level of anxiety, resting on her knees like she is, but it's soon quashed in favor of being able to loop her arms around his neck, into a proper hug. ]
I think I need a break from anything more intimate than a hug or a kiss.
[ it's said quietly, frustrated with herself, but relieved that this doesn't seem to bother her. or remind her of anything vile. no one in the menagerie had been gentle with her. and it isn't as if sleeping with him had been rough, or painful, or humiliating. she had felt safe, and loved. until she went to sleep, anyway. the monsters tended to come at night.
she tightens her hug a little. ]
I hate associating anything with that place with you. [ her voice is still quiet, arms still looped around his neck. ] You would never do anything to me that I didn't want, and I know that. [ and yet: ] But I keep focusing on it, and I hate it.
[ The relief feels like it vibrates out into the air, tension going out of her shoulders and that pinched look leaving the corners of her mouth. It's enough to soothe more of his own nerves, the ones he'd been quietly building up in the wake of the unknown.
But now it's known, it's something he can plan around and do, easily. If she doesn't want anything more intimate, then they won't do that. There will be certain things he'll miss–like using his mouth on her when they have a lazy morning–but it's not like it's an imperative. He'd lasted years without any of it before; making sure she was happy came before anything else.
So as she loops her arms around his neck, he curls both of his around her middle, pulling her in tight. ]
Memories do what they want. [ And it's never worked to simply tell it to stop. It seems spiteful because it just clings onto the thoughts more.
Either way, what he's trying to get across is: he gets it. ]
[ the tight hug causes any residual tension to melt out of her, along with the acknowledgement, and understanding. worrying over this had been stupid, as worrying tended to be. and it isn't as if it's forever, or permanent. just so she can start to sort through everything that has been jumbled up.
his question, though, causes a laugh to bubble up, and inej shifts herself to press her lips against his temple, amused. ]
Of course you can.
[ without a lick of hesitation, and she squeezes him one more time before separating just enough to look at him, smile warm. still tired, but any anxiety and tension is now gone, from her features. she looks at peace. ]
You can brush my hair, and hold me. Hug me, pick me up, bother me, annoy me, fall asleep with me . . .
[ she says, eyes bright, before she ducks forward for a brief peck on the lips, a chaste kiss. ]
And kiss me. [ amused, before she rests her forehead against his briefly. ] If you'd like to, anyway.
[ She laughs, bright and easy, and he feels light somewhere in his ribcage. The sound is infectious, making a smile pull at the corners of his mouth.
When she pulls away a bit, he settles his knit fingers together at the small of her back, not wanting to let go just yet. Thankfully, it doesn't seem like she wants to either, arms still loosely over his shoulders. ]
"If you'd like to." [ He imitates, faux-exasperation in his tone. ] Ask me if I like breathing next time, it'd be a more difficult answer.
[ As if kissing her would ever be a trial. Something he proves by leaning in to return the soft kiss she'd given him, first on her mouth and then her cheek, affection clear. ]
[ the kiss to her cheek sparks a wider grin, and she immediately chases his kiss with one of her own, though she elects to tip her head upward just enough to kiss his forehead. ]
My love, I would rather you breathe.
[ thank you very kindly. but she soon settles with a softer smile, straightening the collar of his shirt. content to be held, for the time being. but, alas: ]
We should decide what to do about dinner, though.
[ as reluctant as she is to move, food is important. ]
[ More warmth sinks in as she kisses his forehead, nerves calming with it. He gives her waist a small and affectionate squeeze, settling his hands on her hips. ]
Good thing I can have both. [ It feels greedy even if it isn't terribly. Still, the grin he gives her is boyish as she straightens his collar. A familiar motion that makes both of them feel content, he thinks. ]
There's some chicken and vegetables in there, stir fry wouldn't be hard. [ Or they could order out–plenty of options. ]
[ his grin, as always, causes her to feel a pleasant warmth that wraps all the way around her, settling underneath her skin. it brightens his features and breaks from his usual serious countenance into a little peak of what kaz is like when he's truly relaxed. when he feels safe.
she, suffice to say, thinks it's her favorite thing about him. though she would be hard pressed to pick. he also gives spectacular hugs.
but decisions about dinner have to be made, and so inej leans forward for one more kiss - a soft, gentle one, her hands finding his face. a silent thank you for listening and being supportive, before she begins the difficult work of untangling herself from his arms and the mass of blankets. ]
Stir fry it is.
[ quick, and easy, and with minimal effort. sounds like the perfect dinner for therapy day, truth be told. ]
We need to go shopping soon, anyway - so finishing off what is already in there is a good idea.
[ Greedy as he is, he steals a kiss right before she pulls away. Really, it's just an answering one to what she gave him. Mostly.
Reluctantly he lets her go so she can get up and disentangle herself from the blanket nest she'd built around the both of them. He follows suit, draping the blanket over the back of the couch before he pushes himself up, taking hold of his cane once he's on his feet. ]
We can go tomorrow, if you want to join my parents near the University district.
[ Sofia had told him of her plans to restock on certain ingredients she couldn't get at the local market. He remembers plenty of trips out there on the weekends as she attempted to find out what he liked to eat.
Making his way into the kitchen, he takes care of pulling out the cutting board, pan, and knives. He pulls down a couple plates as well, setting them off to the side. ]
[ she trails after him into the kitchen, letting him take care of pulling down the pots and pans while she busies herself with the refrigerator. tugging out some onions and papers comes first, followed by the package of chicken she had picked up the day before. she sets them down on opposite counters -- for one, to keep the raw meat away from the vegetables, and two, to keep it away from kaz.
she's learned that dealing with the meat will have to be her job, for better or for worse. not that she minds much. he can certainly do other things.
at the offer of going with his parents, inej brightens. they were lovely people, aside from both of them helping her with her current legal predicament with heleen. she still isn't entirely sure how they wound up with kaz, other than sheer dumb luck. but she supposes that's how she ended up with kaz, too. sometimes, fate works in mysterious ways. and, at any rate: ]
I will need to make dessert, then, to bring.
[ she muses, as she tugs a cutting board closer to her, to deal with the chicken. ]
[ Inej separates the vegetables from the meat, setting the onions and peppers off to the side. He lets her take care of the chicken, not daring to try his hand at cutting it up. After he moved out and before Inej, dealing with raw meat had always been a challenge. Either he ended up picking an alternative or used dish washing gloves to force his way through it.
That was not the most dexterous way. He'd been reluctant to let Inej handle it all but now he's simply relieved. Besides, he can chop the onions without tearing up too much.
(He's teased her that it's a matter of how close she was to the counter and therefore, the onions themselves). ]
What kind? [ Not that Tomassen is picky. The only other person he's ever met that loved baked goods as much as his father was Nina.
Peeling the onion, he uses a separate board to dice it. This was something he never thought he'd end up liking—cooking alongside someone else. Growing up, he'd helped Sofia sometimes, but her kitchen wasn't really meant for two people to be in. Or maybe she just shooed him out a lot. ]
He told me that there was some type of little cake in Ravka, when he last went, that he missed. So I am going to make my mother's recipe for sweet cakes and hope that it's the same thing.
[ she arranges the chicken on her own cutting board, making quick work of slicing it into strips before turning to wash her hands so she could add different spices. she never really had time to cook for herself, before living with kaz. most food she had was cheap and easy to heat up, constantly on the move with being in debt to heleen. but she finds it soothing, now, to spend time making dinner, and enjoying it with him.
the thought causes her lips to twitch into a faint smile as she dries her hands, turning back to the counter -- but before she does so, she loops her arms around his waist from behind, tucking her face into his back for a brief hug. ]
You can help, if you want.
[ she murmurs, squeezing him once before sliding her arms back. just wanting a tiny touch of comfort before turning back to the work at hand. ]
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timewasting2020-09-27 05:30 pm
cooking.
she’s long since run out of tears to shed, which has left her feeling both overwhelmed and exhausted, upon letting herself back into their apartment. she doesn’t see kaz immediately, which she feels a little relief for. part of her feels guilty, for struggling. and not saying anything. but most of her needs a moment to relax.
so she finds herself on the couch, curling up underneath a thick blanket, exhaling slowly as she closes her eyes. letting a moment of peace wash over her as she focuses on calming her nerve.
home feels safe, after all. ]
no subject
When he'd gotten home, he'd gotten a bit of a head start, just plugging in some notes and reminders for himself. Inej hadn't been back yet—therapy day, as he knows. He's wrapping up said notes when he finally does hear her come in, the door opening and closing and then a relative silence. Her steps are always quiet, after all.
She doesn't announce herself though, or come into the room. Which means she probably needs at least a few minutes by herself. A particularly harrowing session today, he guesses. Or maybe she's just generally tired.
Whatever the case, he still has enough to keep him occupied for a bit longer so she can have her space.
It's another ten or so minutes before he closes the lid on his computer, pulling himself away from work to finally check in on Inej. Who, by all accounts, seems to have taken after Lizabeta by the shape of her blanket nest on the couch. ]
Inej?
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she looks tired, but the smile on her face is genuine when her eyes meet his. she always feels better whenever she knows he’s nearby. hard days are no exception to that rule. ]
Hi.
[ it’s said warmly enough, and though she hadn’t been sure she wanted contact before, she suddenly craves it now. and so she scoots herself up into sitting, making room on the couch for him amidst the blankets.
there is nothing she wants more, she decides, than to be held by him. but he has to come over, first. ]
Done for the day?
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That's not here, a sleepy looking smile being shown in his direction.
He wants to curl her close. Which they seem to align on, because she sits up and makes some space on the couch, amidst her cotton and polyester nest. So he comes over, slowly lowering himself next to her before he sets his cane aside. One arm loops around her middle before he leans over to kiss her cheek. ]
If I kept going, I'd be there until midnight. [ So yes, he's done. ] How was it?
no subject
worrying had been stupid.
so inej soon shifts to tuck herself against him, draping her legs loosely over his lap, dragging the blankets with her. she makes sure to return the kiss, though it’s to the palm of his hand as she takes his hand into her own. ]
I talked about the Menagerie. [ so, awful. but she rests her cheek against his chest, exhaling slowly as she closes her eyes. ] But I feel better, now that I’m home. [ with him. ]
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Whatever the case, he gives her an affectionate squeeze around her middle, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. ]
Good. [ In that she feels better, being here. ] I don't know how you can talk about that place at all.
[ She's brave. He doesn't think he could do it. Hasn't, really, choosing to avoid a therapist all through the Rollins case. It's been done for a couple years now, but he still hesitates. ]
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[ quietly, feeling another wave of relaxation wash over her at the feeling of his cheek pressed against her hair. worrying over not being able to feel comfortable with him had been silly. how could she even waste the thought.
she cuddles herself a little closer, fingers curling around his to squeeze his hand gently. ]
I want to feel better. [ it’s what drives her, every single day. ] And I can’t let her live in my head for the rest of my life. So I have to get her out.
[ even through the worst memories. ]
no subject
His thumb lazily sweeps over her knuckles, a gentle back and forth, both reassuring and affectionate. He really doesn't know how she can do it, go and spill her feelings to a stranger every week. And while he gets why, it's still something that fills him with a gripping anxiety at the thought of doing the same.
Rollins faced justice, that's all that matters. The rest he can just...deal with. Besides, at least he can have this: Inej curled up on his lap while he holds her. ]
Like an exorcism, huh. [ He pauses, grinning a bit to himself. ] I suppose she is a demon woman.
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[ with half a laugh, feeling his grin against the top of her head. drawing poison from a wound is what she thinks about, when considering her weekly appointment. it’s a messy process, but a necessary one. letting anger control her will only kill her, in the end.
besides, it’s brought her to this point, with kaz. it’s worth it, in the end. ]
It’s mostly about figuring out what bothers me, and how to deal with it. [ the feeling of his thumb running over her knuckles is soothing, and grounding. ] So I feel in control, whenever I feel overwhelmed. It helps.
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Kaz doesn't have the greatest sense of humor but this was certainly a case of better to laugh than to yell.
He moves the hand around her middle, fingers tracing the notches of her braid as she continues to explain. ]
Not being pulled by a tide. [ That connection hits too close, reminds him of a time he'd rather not think of while she was in his lap. He blinks away the strange afterimage of water he gets sometimes, when the flood comes up. ]
Dinner?
no subject
she lets it go, instead humming to herself before sitting up a bit, so she can look at him. her expression shifts a little, from a good-natured tired to something a little more closed-off. anxious, maybe? but she quells that nerve to lean forward to gently kiss him, her hands finding his face. ]
I need to tell you something, first.
[ it had been her proverbial homework, from her therapist. who insisted that avoiding discussing it and continuing to push herself was only going to be more harmful in the long run. the weight had been resting with her the entire way home, and while inej was certain that kaz would understand whatever boundary she put in place, the nasty voice in the back of her mind continued to claw at her, heleen telling her that she was just going to wind up being alone. and unloved.
a stupid thought, considering everything. and an irrational one. but she still finds herself summoning some level of nerve, and said nerve fails her for a moment before she tips her head forward, resting her forehead against his chest to seek some level of comfort. or maybe an ounce of bravery. ]
But I don't know where to start.
[ it's a murmur, and a slightly frustrated one, as she curls her fingers into his shirt. ]
no subject
Okay.
[ No small measure of anxiety bubbles up, worried about the many directions this can go. How bad is it? Is it her health? Something else? Has he done something awful without knowing?
She presses her forehead to his chest again and he tries to swallow the nerves. Whatever she needs to say is obviously important, moreso than the spiral he's worked himself up to. He slowly pets his hand down her back, both for her sake and his. ]
Wherever you want.
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. . . which means she immediately sees the anxiety, scrawled all over his features, which causes her frown to deepen. and, almost immediately, she leans forward to give him another kiss, before murmuring against his lips: ]
You did nothing wrong.
[ that seems to be a good place to start, before she settles herself again, taking up one of his hands in her own, squeezing his fingers loosely as she tries to figure out where to go next. ]
I have been having . . . I am -- [ ugh. admitting this thing feels like a weakness, even though she knows it isn't. so she purses her lips, forcing herself to focus before intertwining her fingers with his. the movement feels grounding, and gives her something to focus on. ] I wake up at night, sometimes, and I don't know where I am. I keep -- remembering one of the -- one of them. He used to spend the night, constantly, and --
[ she stops herself, there, because the details aren't really important. or needed, or necessary. nevermind the fact that saints, spitting this out is hard. but she's already started, so she steels her nerve to keep going. ]
I haven't said anything because I -- I feel like I am going backwards, when I don't want to. I want to be normal, and I want to be with you, and I want -- [ she huffs to herself, stopping the train of chaotic thoughts before it can really start. ] So I ignored it, but ignoring it is only making it worse. And then I felt guilty, because I haven't said anything, because I was -- scared to make you upset.
[ it's said a little lamely, because she realizes now that this entire thing has just been inside her own head, and this is stupid. ]
no subject
Almost, but not quite.
His attention is on her, though, as she starts talking again, working her way through what's a clearly difficult topic. Even if they haven't experienced the same things in their past, he can empathize with how hard it is. He's never been one to talk about his feelings, not easily at any rate. So he's patient through her start and stop, even if it feels like there's panic rising in the back of his throat.
It drops out momentarily when she gets to the heart of the matter–she's been reminded of someone in her past, someone who did her more harm than can be seen here. A man who'd stayed after his initial visits; whether he'd been lonely or perverse, it didn't matter. She was still feeling those impressions, waking up in the middle of the night with fear.
He swallows the initial sting because he knows it isn't personal. This is something she's working through, so soon in the wake of her escaping from that place. There's a memory floating to the top of how he felt directly after Rollins, after the flood. For a while he couldn't sleep with anything more than a sheet, a comforter too heavy and making him feel like he was drowning. Even after he'd been living with Sofia and Tomassen for a year, he'd still wake up in the middle of the night, disoriented. It would take him a few minutes to remember which room he was in (home, not his dead father's house, nor the temporary places he'd ended up).
So, he gently curls his arm around her shoulders, giving her as much of a hug as he can from this angle. ]
I'm not upset. [ Just so she knows that up front. ] What can I do?
[ If he needs to sleep elsewhere, that's do-able. Or if she needs a pillow division between them–whatever it is. ]
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so inej soon shifts to straddle his hips. the movement should spark some level of anxiety, resting on her knees like she is, but it's soon quashed in favor of being able to loop her arms around his neck, into a proper hug. ]
I think I need a break from anything more intimate than a hug or a kiss.
[ it's said quietly, frustrated with herself, but relieved that this doesn't seem to bother her. or remind her of anything vile. no one in the menagerie had been gentle with her. and it isn't as if sleeping with him had been rough, or painful, or humiliating. she had felt safe, and loved. until she went to sleep, anyway. the monsters tended to come at night.
she tightens her hug a little. ]
I hate associating anything with that place with you. [ her voice is still quiet, arms still looped around his neck. ] You would never do anything to me that I didn't want, and I know that. [ and yet: ] But I keep focusing on it, and I hate it.
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But now it's known, it's something he can plan around and do, easily. If she doesn't want anything more intimate, then they won't do that. There will be certain things he'll miss–like using his mouth on her when they have a lazy morning–but it's not like it's an imperative. He'd lasted years without any of it before; making sure she was happy came before anything else.
So as she loops her arms around his neck, he curls both of his around her middle, pulling her in tight. ]
Memories do what they want. [ And it's never worked to simply tell it to stop. It seems spiteful because it just clings onto the thoughts more.
Either way, what he's trying to get across is: he gets it. ]
Can I still brush your hair?
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his question, though, causes a laugh to bubble up, and inej shifts herself to press her lips against his temple, amused. ]
Of course you can.
[ without a lick of hesitation, and she squeezes him one more time before separating just enough to look at him, smile warm. still tired, but any anxiety and tension is now gone, from her features. she looks at peace. ]
You can brush my hair, and hold me. Hug me, pick me up, bother me, annoy me, fall asleep with me . . .
[ she says, eyes bright, before she ducks forward for a brief peck on the lips, a chaste kiss. ]
And kiss me. [ amused, before she rests her forehead against his briefly. ] If you'd like to, anyway.
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When she pulls away a bit, he settles his knit fingers together at the small of her back, not wanting to let go just yet. Thankfully, it doesn't seem like she wants to either, arms still loosely over his shoulders. ]
"If you'd like to." [ He imitates, faux-exasperation in his tone. ] Ask me if I like breathing next time, it'd be a more difficult answer.
[ As if kissing her would ever be a trial. Something he proves by leaning in to return the soft kiss she'd given him, first on her mouth and then her cheek, affection clear. ]
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My love, I would rather you breathe.
[ thank you very kindly. but she soon settles with a softer smile, straightening the collar of his shirt. content to be held, for the time being. but, alas: ]
We should decide what to do about dinner, though.
[ as reluctant as she is to move, food is important. ]
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Good thing I can have both. [ It feels greedy even if it isn't terribly. Still, the grin he gives her is boyish as she straightens his collar. A familiar motion that makes both of them feel content, he thinks. ]
There's some chicken and vegetables in there, stir fry wouldn't be hard. [ Or they could order out–plenty of options. ]
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she, suffice to say, thinks it's her favorite thing about him. though she would be hard pressed to pick. he also gives spectacular hugs.
but decisions about dinner have to be made, and so inej leans forward for one more kiss - a soft, gentle one, her hands finding his face. a silent thank you for listening and being supportive, before she begins the difficult work of untangling herself from his arms and the mass of blankets. ]
Stir fry it is.
[ quick, and easy, and with minimal effort. sounds like the perfect dinner for therapy day, truth be told. ]
We need to go shopping soon, anyway - so finishing off what is already in there is a good idea.
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Reluctantly he lets her go so she can get up and disentangle herself from the blanket nest she'd built around the both of them. He follows suit, draping the blanket over the back of the couch before he pushes himself up, taking hold of his cane once he's on his feet. ]
We can go tomorrow, if you want to join my parents near the University district.
[ Sofia had told him of her plans to restock on certain ingredients she couldn't get at the local market. He remembers plenty of trips out there on the weekends as she attempted to find out what he liked to eat.
Making his way into the kitchen, he takes care of pulling out the cutting board, pan, and knives. He pulls down a couple plates as well, setting them off to the side. ]
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she's learned that dealing with the meat will have to be her job, for better or for worse. not that she minds much. he can certainly do other things.
at the offer of going with his parents, inej brightens. they were lovely people, aside from both of them helping her with her current legal predicament with heleen. she still isn't entirely sure how they wound up with kaz, other than sheer dumb luck. but she supposes that's how she ended up with kaz, too. sometimes, fate works in mysterious ways. and, at any rate: ]
I will need to make dessert, then, to bring.
[ she muses, as she tugs a cutting board closer to her, to deal with the chicken. ]
I own Tomassen some cakes.
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That was not the most dexterous way. He'd been reluctant to let Inej handle it all but now he's simply relieved. Besides, he can chop the onions without tearing up too much.
(He's teased her that it's a matter of how close she was to the counter and therefore, the onions themselves). ]
What kind? [ Not that Tomassen is picky. The only other person he's ever met that loved baked goods as much as his father was Nina.
Peeling the onion, he uses a separate board to dice it. This was something he never thought he'd end up liking—cooking alongside someone else. Growing up, he'd helped Sofia sometimes, but her kitchen wasn't really meant for two people to be in. Or maybe she just shooed him out a lot. ]
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[ she arranges the chicken on her own cutting board, making quick work of slicing it into strips before turning to wash her hands so she could add different spices. she never really had time to cook for herself, before living with kaz. most food she had was cheap and easy to heat up, constantly on the move with being in debt to heleen. but she finds it soothing, now, to spend time making dinner, and enjoying it with him.
the thought causes her lips to twitch into a faint smile as she dries her hands, turning back to the counter -- but before she does so, she loops her arms around his waist from behind, tucking her face into his back for a brief hug. ]
You can help, if you want.
[ she murmurs, squeezing him once before sliding her arms back. just wanting a tiny touch of comfort before turning back to the work at hand. ]
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