[ In a smooth motion, she levers herself up onto the counter, still facing him. It makes him think she's at a good height to hug, something he's tempted to do. If only to change the subject to something that doesn't expose the raw parts of himself.
Or the thing he's been regretting since Van Eck snatched her away.
But he knows her too well—she's going to pursue it if he tries to evade her line of questioning. ]
You. [ A thing both relieving and frightening to say. He's never had such a lever to be used against him before. The touch, perhaps, but even he could grit his teeth through it if he saw it coming.
The thought of anything horrible happening to her just. Puts him completely off balance.
He leans against the sink, hands curled along the ledge of it, his gaze dropping towards the letter from the Gemensbank. ]
On Vellgeluk, Van Eck changed his mind because I looked at you first. [ He's turned it over and over since then, hating that he'd been so transparent. ]
[ that . . . surprises her, and she looks over at him when he leans against the sink, with a slight frown on her lips. not because he admits that he cares about her to the point of seemingly caving to whatever demands to keep her safe, but the latter part. ]
He changed his mind because he is a cheat, and he took me because I was the obvious choice.
[ a gentle correction, and a nudge that he shouldn't carry a burden for something that was outside of any of their controls. she scoots herself over a little bit, within touching distance, if only so she can gently brush her hand against the sleeve of his shirt, to get his attention.
and, more importantly, inej ducks her head a little to catch his gaze, with a slight smile. ]
You have enough stupid mistakes to take credit for without adding unnecessary ones to the pile.
[ It's true that Van Eck is a cheat. That despite his upstanding merch reputation, he's just as bad if not worse than the denizens of the Barrel. At least with most of the gangs, you fought for your gang. Van Eck only fought for himself, the ultimate kind of greed.
Still, he doesn't think it's as easy as Inej says—that he'd changed his mind because he thought her an easy target. Kaz had seen his face, had seen how his expression shifted with recognition when he'd followed his eyeline. After all, he'd announced that he'd take the whole group just a moment before. At least they would've been all together; power in numbers, even if Van Eck wouldn't think of it that way. He thought too much like the stadwatch, in nice orderly lines. ]
He changed his mind because I couldn't help myself. [ And then she'd gone through that horrifying ordeal, threatened to have her legs shattered. He turns his head to look at her, brows furrowed. ]
Then what is the solution? To never show worry again?
[ it's asked quietly, keeping his gaze, searching his features. because while van eck may have seen that kaz was worried about her, it didn't change the fact that inej kept the secrets of the dregs. even if kaz hadn't looked at her, inej would be the obvious choice, if van eck wanted to know where yuul was.
she wants to brush her fingers against his cheek, run her thumb along his cheekbone, to comfort him. but that feels like too much, like a string waiting to snap. so instead, she gently brushes her fingers against the sleeve of his shirt. ]
[ If only it were that easy. He knows she hates it when he closes off, emotions shuttered, leaving only Dirtyhands behind. But that part of him would've kept Inej out of Van Eck's grasp. Would've saved them all the heartache and worry during the time she was gone.
Somehow, though, that boy from Lij had crawled up instead, worry and fear easily read by anyone looking. And he knows it would probably show again, if she were ever put in danger's path again. None of the logic works to assuage the anxiety—it doesn't matter that she can more than handle herself. He just wants her to be alright. To know she's doing fine. ]
Do I? [ It feels like all he's done lately is bring misery. There's a whole long line of it behind him too—Filip, Saskia, the fake bank clerks, and everyone else between him and Pekka Rollins. ]
Showing it is just going to get us in trouble again. I don't want to give them the option of using us as weapons against each other.
[ the thought that he genuinely doesn't believe that he deserves happiness weighs on her heart. mostly because she knows how it feels, to not be worthy of happiness, or love. it's lonely, and painful. ]
Look at me.
[ it's said gently, as she reaches out with a hand to brush her fingers along his jaw, a light touch lifting his chin so he can truly meet her gaze. it's done without thinking, a need to get him to actually listen instead of letting himself dwell inside his head. ]
If they want to attempt to use us against each other, let them try. They will fail.
[ just like van eck did. just like pekka rollins will. they would get out of this mess, come hell or high water, and they would fail. because if kaz brekker didn't kill them for trying, the wraith would. ]
Pekka Rollins, Tante Heleen, and Jan Van Eck have taken enough from us without robbing us of the right to be happy. We deserve more than just survival.
[ Her words are gentle but she isn't asking, something that he's actually a little grateful for. The touch that goes with her demand is feather light, her fingertips skimming along his jaw. There's both a coil of familiar disgust and a blooming warmth—enough to lift the most immediate dread.
Still, he can't stop himself from thinking I don't want to put you in the position again. Van Eck had dragged her through who knew what. There were things he's sure she spared him, knowing it would only add fuel to the fire. He knows it's not completely avoidable, that neither of them live a safe life. She just doesn't deserve to deal with more suffering, not after what she's been through. And if he can keep her from it, he will.
It does make him wonder how she's able to keep her head up and still remain so positive. She sounds sure that they'll get more, that they'll have happiness.
All he can think of right now is the possible noose he's tied around all their necks. ]
If we can get through this. [ He has a plan, naturally. But it's complicated. Something can always go wrong. Like all this stuff with Dunyasha. ]
[ it's said evenly, because they have. what was the city bearing down on them threatening to hang them alive compared to the menagerie, or pekka rollins murdering kaz's brother, or chaining matthias in hellgate, putting nina in chains and giving jesper a beat down once a week for his debt, or van eck pretending to love his son only to have him killed, or any of the other sins any of them have been through. a noose was the kindest thing ketterdam has attempted to do to them, in comparison to what the city has actually done. ]
We did not come this far to fail now.
[ so they will get through this. there was no other option.
she withdraws her hand, still not liking the defeatism, but he's at least having a conversation with her now rather than with whatever demons are lurking in the dark. the comment about her bandages causes a soft sigh (in exasperation, mostly) as she shrugs her shoulders a little. ]
She cuts deep. [ to kill, not to maim, and inej's tone is a little rueful as she leans over to tug her cut bandages into her lap. using the mirror will allow her to change them with only a little difficulty, and she twists a little to look at the bandages, tugging her shirt up just a bit to see. ] It won't take long to change.
[ In a way, it's true. He's survived the Queen Lady's plague and the aftermath, kept himself in one piece on the streets of Ketterdam, and ended up becoming one of the most feared names in the Barrel. Inej weathered her way through being stolen, serving at the Menagerie, Tante Heleen's cruelty, the Barrel, and Oomen's knife. They all have similar stories—Matthias with Hellgate, Nina and parem, Jesper and his debtors, Kuwei with the death of his father and basically the entire world looking for him. And of course, Wylan, whose own father they were up against. Who would rather see his son in a noose than to acknowledge he learns differently.
All of it feels worse. Has been worse. He just can't help that niggling voice in the back of his head, the one that sounds like his brother telling him he's dodged death too many times. This might be it.
He'll just have to make sure it isn't.
Inej looks down at her bandages and he lets himself inspect the same spots. It's a greedy thing, looking at her like this. He wants to remember every detail. ]
I can help you. [ The words are out of his mouth before he can stop himself. And for a brief moment it feels like all the air in the room has stilled. She'd said those words to him, years before, standing in her silks in the Menagerie. Those same words have been etched into his skin, stark against the pale underside of his wrist. ]
[ her eyes flicker toward him, meeting his gaze after he offers assistance. and she can't help but glance, for a split second, at his hands -- still without gloves, from when he was cleaning up. but he seems serious, at his offer of help. and he had hugged her. so this wouldn't be so bad.
she feels her own anxiety curl around her, almost tempted to tell him no. because he would be invading her space, and touching her in a way that she hadn't been (or, rather, allowed) touched in a long time. but this was kaz. he would never hurt her, or take advantage of her.
[ He catches the way her eyes drop to his bare hands and tries not to flex them out of a sense of self consciousness. She's seen his gloves stripped off before but this time is different. Charged from both of their pasts filling the empty space. Physical touch with Inej is both enticing and repulsive. A potent cocktail of years of want and years of remembering the bodies in the harbor.
Yet every piece of contact gives a sense of relief. Reassurance that she's here and alive.
There's a few beats of silence and while her expression doesn't change overly much, he can see the pinch of anxiousness around her eyes. Those ghosts of men invading her space without permission, rearing up in her memory.
Some of the tension breaks when she allows for it. Only some, because he feels like this is more risky than a fight in the Barrel. ]
I'll take care of them. [ I'll take care of you.
He pulls himself away from where he's leaned against the counter to step between her knees. His nerves feel like they're jangling as much as church bells, resonant and drowning out everything else. It had narrowed down to the two of them, closer than he thinks they've ever been. And it still felt like a daunting gulf—he didn't know where to start. Didn't know exactly where to look because like this, they were eye to eye, her gaze steady and warm as it always was. He felt transfixed, nervous that if he looked away, the moment would shatter. ]
[ she fell asleep tucked under his arm in the linen warehouse, exhausted and desperate for kindness upon getting back from van eck. but this is different, being so close, face to face, both of them undone.
she has an impulse, sudden, to dip forward to kiss him. she resists.
instead, she tilts her head a little, gaze still locked on his, as she lifts her arms a little, so he can start to undo it. and replace it with the new bandages, strewn on her lap. ]
The tie is along my back.
[ quietly, still watching him. still calm. he'll need to reach his arms around her to get to it, to untie it and undo it. but she doesn't ask him to move, letting him set whatever pace he deems necessary.
she has learned the hard way (mostly with that damn leg of his) that offering kaz brekker help when he's decided he can do it himself is only asking for a sour mood. or a swing of the cane, if you were anyone but inej. ]
[ At the tilt of her head, he has another set of conflicting choices. This one skimming so close to a dream, the kind where he's been brave enough to tip his chin down to kiss her. He wants it enough that it burns on the inside; a longing ache to the bone. His mouth is dry when she lifts her arms, allowing him to be closer to undo the bandage.
Carefully, he leans in, looping his arms up and around her ribs and making sure he touched her as little as possible. For both of their sakes. Light fingertips follow the line of the bandage to the knot—at this point, he's wholly in her space. If he angled his head down, he could kiss her neck. Drawing in a shaky breath, he works on undoing the tie, tugging lightly so he didn't aggravate her wound.
It finally loosens and he unravels the fabric slowly. The other end of it is pressed against her skin, close enough to the cut that he doesn't want to tug on it. If he wants to finish undoing it, he'll have to brush his fingers along her shoulder. Water felt like it was in his lungs, weighing his limbs down, paralyzing and suffocating in turn.
He could do this. She's alive, her eyes dark as a night sky, posture graceful and elegant as the acrobat she'd been born into.
Two fingers slide under the last of the bandage and he feels dizzy, nausea working its way up and fighting the brief buzz of cool relief. Dimly, he knew he was in the Geldrunner, helping Inej with her bandages. His vision blurred, though, and all he could see was the rock of Ketterdam's harbor. The unseeing eyes of those who passed in the plague. Jordie's too soft and waxen skin under his hands. ]
[ she can feel him struggling. that something from his past is interrupting his focus, and as his fingers brush against her shoulder, she draws in a quiet breath. the skin-to-skin contact feels . . . calming, for some reason. soothing, something that she's never associated with touch.
it's almost dizzying, the relief that she doesn't panic. or bolt, or shove him away, or find herself unable to breathe. if anything, she wants to lean forward, and wrap her arms around his waist, bury her face into his chest, to seek more comfort.
but she doesn't have time to think, or focus on it, because his breathing shifts. and though inej doesn't really know why, she can feel the tension vibrating off of him. ]
Kaz.
[ it's whispered, her tone quiet, and she shifts a hand to place along his ribs, fingers curling into his shirt a little, to try and keep him in the moment. her fingers press into his side a little -- not quite a jab, like in the prison wagon going into the ice court, but to prod him a little bit into realizing that they were here. ]
Stay with me. Hm?
[ and she tilts her head a little, to catch his gaze. ]
[ He hears his name, the sound strangely muffled under the thrum of his heartbeat in his ears. It drowns everything else out–the drip of the faucet, the soft echo of white noise in the bathroom. His breathing is too loud and sharp, a panicked hiccup that he remembers feeling when he'd found himself covered in bodies.
Then her fingers press into his side, the contact jolting him into the present. There's a cold sweat at the back of his neck and he swallows, refocusing on what she's asking of him. Stay with her. Don't let the ghosts drag him back under. It's a tall order but once he's broken from that haze, it's a little easier to stop thinking about water gathering around his shins. ]
I don't– [ He doesn't what? So many things. Doesn't think he can do this, doesn't know if he likes the contact or loathes it, doesn't know how he feels, caught in a maelstrom of conflicting emotions. The relief of the contact should be more, should override everything. It's just... the past has its hooks in him, always so eager to pull him back in.
After a moment, he doesn't give himself more time to think, pulling up the rest of her bandage and moving his hand away. ]
[ it's said with a slight press of her palm against his side, smoothing her hand over the shirt. meant to be reassuring, and also with some level of understanding. because she is often gripped with panic, whenever someone touches her that she isn't expecting. she's much better now that she knows how to defend herself, but in the beginning, any man who loomed over her would send her mouth dry and inej vanishing into the shadows to shake. ]
But you will overcome it.
[ it's said as she moves her hand away from his side, to tug the bandages into her lap, unfurling them with a quick motion of her fingers. not pushing him away, allowing him to remain squarely in her space. they really are only inches apart, and a certain vibrating tension is making its way through her stomach. driven by an urge to kiss him, but not entirely sure she could. or he could. but she wants to, which is an improvement, isn't it?
instead, inej lets a faint smile curve her features, as she holds out the bandages toward him. encouraging, but not forcing him. she can always bandage it herself, if need be. but she knows how it feels, to have to quit because of memories lurking in the dark. and she knows how it feels to triumph over them, even though they're screaming in her ear.
he deserves that giddy sense of achievement. ]
The Kaz Brekker that I know can do anything that he sets his mind to, especially if he wants it badly enough.
[ Really, he should be elated to hear those words. This is all he'd wanted, before they set off for the Ice Court—a need to know that she believed him. Believed in him. Here, it feels frightening. Foreign. As though the illusion of Kaz Brekker is cracking to pieces under the weight of years of silence.
That dark voice whispers in his ear. Payment for what he's done, perhaps. For leaving his brother's body in the harbor. For surviving, even if it meant cutting out others' chances for the same thing. Maybe it's what he deserves, to be so close to someone he desperately wants to touch and not being able to do it without the paralyzing panic.
She holds the bandages out, leaving the decision in his hands. Taking a slow breath, he mentally pushes through the nausea, the doubts sitting so readily on the surface. He thinks about her curled up with him on the reams of fabric, both of them fitted together like a puzzle. That's what he wants. That and more. Thinking about it takes some of the tension out of his shoulders and he lets go of the breath he'd been holding.
She's right, after all. When has anything ever stopped him from doing what he wanted? He wasn't about to stop himself. So he takes the bandages, careful about where he starts the placement. Slowly, he does a loop around her shoulder and then down, steeling himself as he leans into her space more to ring the bandage around her back. A few more of those loops and he's tied off the bandage, leaving him still leaned in close.
If he tipped his head down, he could kiss her. Kiss her neck or her cheek. His breath hitches, the pull of want strong enough to be tempting. ]
[ whatever was done to him has its hooks in deep, but inej makes no move to speak or talk while he wrestles with the decision. to her relief, kaz decides to take the bandages -- willing, at least, to try. which was step one, though now inej is doubting whether or not she herself can manage to stand it as he leans in.
he's much taller than she is, but inej has never felt uncomfortable or threatened by kaz looming over her. because he so rarely does, she thinks to herself as he gingerly loops the bandage around her, remaining almost statuesque in how still she is. he's never once threatened to hurt her, though he has pushed her away. thrown up walls and anything else to get her to leave.
but, here they are. tiptoeing around the obvious in a bathroom while the city burns.
he ties off the bandage, but remains close. and inej's head tilts slightly, to figure out what is wrong. but he's nervous, not necessarily panicked, though she can feel the shift in his breathing. he's resisting doing something, but what? the job of bandaging her wound is already done.
though, she realizes, if she inches her head just a little bit more, she could kiss his cheek. the thought paralyzes her, but just as suddenly, inej remembers what she had just said a few moments before. since when has she allowed anything to prevent her from doing what she wanted to do? not even heleen had beaten the defiance out of her. and why should she allow what the menagerie had done to her to control whether or not she kissed someone that she wanted to kiss?
so she leans forward just enough to gently press her lips against his cheek, the movement delicate and soft, barely there. it's dizzying, really, and for the barest moment, inej finds it difficult to breathe because her heart is hammering so loudly in her chest. but once the kiss (if you could call it that) is done, she murmurs: ]
I lied, on the boat. When I said I only wanted a friend.
[ and she pulls away just enough to catch his gaze, though her smile is a little sheepish, her cheeks pink, voice soft. ]
[ The tension between them is wound tightly, like string on a spool. She's sitting ramrod straight, her past clearly surfacing much like his. He should pull away, give her space, but he finds himself rooted in this moment. Torn between wanting and letting it alone, like he's done every time before.
Briefly, he wonders if she's come to a similar conclusion. That if she tilted her head, she could kiss his cheek. It sends a small thrill through him, to consider that they might be on the same page.
It's also fraying his nerves in a way the Ice Court failed to.
Then the moment is breaking, her gathering the courage before him to kiss his cheek. Her lips brush across the skin light enough that he doesn't feel the sickness, just the pleasant syrupy relief that's supposed to be there. Still, that doesn't prevent his pulse from sounding loud in his ears, almost to the point he doesn't catch what she says next.
A lie. Just a little one. One he completely understands in this moment because he feels like he's done the same. He doesn't want to just be friends, though he's certainly happy to be considered hers.
Under the surface, though, it seems like they've both been hiding. And in this moment, it's the small boost of daring he needs to get over the next hurdle. He closes that small gap between them again, brushing a tentative kiss to her jaw. ]
[ the kiss to her jaw causes a brief war of emotion. some nausea, but it’s soon overridden by a delirious warmth at his words. and she can’t quite stop the grin as she curls her fingers a bit more into his shirt, tugging him a little closer. ]
Greedy.
[ she murmurs, smoothing her palms against his sides, to undo the wrinkles caused by her tugging. but him being closer allows her to return the favor, to gently kiss his jawline, lingering for half a second more than previous.
it feels incredible, a calming warmth wrapping around her. her nerves settling instantly at his touch. she had heard that contact felt divine, once you found your match, but she hadn’t expected it to be true.
but she pauses, then, dipping forward to rest her head against his shoulder, exhaling slowly. taking advantage of his closeness, as she fiddles with his shirt. ]
You have always had my heart, Kaz.
[ it’s said quietly, before she lifts her head again to look at him, with a soft frown. ]
And I won’t have it broken so soon. [ not by him, anyway. ] So I expect you in one piece, at the end of tonight.
[ The Barrel demands a lot, day in and day out. On top of that, he's been trying to get them all out of the noose he feels he's put them in. It feels like payment after payment and nothing to show for it. Not yet, anyway. At the end of this, they'll either be rich enough to make the merchers annoyed or too dead to care about lost gains. In either scenario, he's going to greedily hoard these moments with Inej. But he especially doesn't want to go out with regrets.
So yes, he's greedy. Giddy, too, as she kisses his jaw, her small hands curling into his shirt. The nausea is less this time, shot through with warm elation. She leans her head against his shoulder and he puts a hand on her back, over the bandages. Just in case. The closeness is enough, here, settling his nerves. ]
I won't be walking empty handed. [ It is a gamble, a big one, but it's one that should pay off how he imagines. Even if he doesn't know how some of the Dregs will react, he knows Per Haskell well enough to understand what the old man will try to do when he shows up at his doorway.
[ the reassurance makes her feel better, even though she knows there are no guarantees. but she believes him, when he says it. it's a much different tone, than earlier, and it helps ease her worry.
not enough that she won't tag along behind, of course. but enough to know that he's focused on the end goal - coming back.
she rests there, for a moment. if she turned her head a little, she could rest her cheek over his heart. she considers doing so, before she realizes that she's probably delayed the inevitable enough. another bitter shot of unfairness, provided by the barrel.
so inej smooths her hands against his shirt, sitting up enough to look at him again, her gaze slightly critical. she lifts her hands to straighten his collar, to fix a missed (or, rather, undone) button. her fingers shift from his neck to tame his hair into something a little less mussed from splashing water on his face (though, inej thinks to herself ruefully, she much prefers it that way).
and, finally, inej leans over his arms just a bit to collect his gloves from the sink. ]
Good.
[ as she hands them over, because while inej has the joy of seeing kaz, the rest of the barrel doesn't deserve the privilege. ]
Because I am serious about removing Haskell's head and kicking it into the harbor, if you do not.
[ and pekka rollins can join him, for all she cares. for all of his power, that worthless man can't duck her blade. ]
[ Having her weight against him like this is soothing. Again, it makes him think of them both curled up on bolts of linen, the rest of the city's sounds muted, as if the rest of the world dropped away. He wants to get back to that, dearly, without the stress of Van Eck hanging over all their heads.
In a way it feels strange, to want something so mundane. Everything he's worked for has always been for a specific purpose. Honed and sharpened over time. He can't remember the last time he wanted to do something just because he found some sort of comfort in it. There's much to do and he knows he should move. But he wants to spend a few more precious seconds like this, with only the two of them and their relative guards down.
Just like anything, the moment does pass as she sits up, silently acknowledging he has to be at the Slat soon. If he's going to pull this off, he has a small window to do it in. She does take the time to straighten his shirt and comb her fingers through his hair. The latter has him swaying ever since slightly into the touch, that same pleasant warmth tingling under his skin.
Finally, he takes the gloves when they're handed to him. Though he doesn't put them on just yet, holding them loosely in one hand. ]
They wouldn't have any idea what's coming. [ Morbid as it is to joke about. Neither of them would see her before it was too late. The thought warms him a little further. Leaves him feeling bolder. Enough to lean in to kiss her cheek. ]
[ the kiss to her cheek makes her want to grab him by the shirt again, to keep him in one place, tangible and in front of her. but she knows that he needs to go, and she's about to tell him to be careful when he decides to be insufferable.
miss him, as if she were some teenage girl hopelessly in love with the boy next door. . . . which, in retrospect, inej supposes she is, but certainly not to the point of sighing to herself awaiting his return. so kaz earns a look, middling between cross and exasperated. miss him while he's out, as if he's going down the street to the local store to pick up a loaf of bread. like they're some old married couple in the countryside.
the thought warms her, for a brief moment. before it's quickly replaced by a familiar huff of annoyance. ]
I do not know why I put up with you.
[ she does. because she adores him, and can't imagine her life without him, and everything about him captivates her, from his stupid arrogant grin to how he can make a coin disappear with a flick of his fingers. not that she would ever say the last part out loud. his ego is big enough.
she does, though, reach out to adjust his collar a final time. ]
Do not stray from the path I marked for you. The rooftops are slippery, and you only have one good leg left.
My charming personality, of course. [ He says it wryly, too self aware of how much he grates against other people. Too many harsh lines and almost zero patience usually put people on his bad side. Or he on theirs.
That's never been the full case for either of them. They have their good days and their bad ones—the ones where they disagree and don't talk for a handful of hours. But it's always been different with her. Just like so many things, so many of his decisions. In some way, he'd known they were connected, ever since that moment in the parlor.
It's just taken...a few years to coming around to facing it head on.
Carefully, he catches one of her fussing hands with his, the contact a warm jolt of pleasantness. ]
I won't get creative with your path. [ He trusts her too much, especially in the moment. Her knowledge of Ketterdam's layout was unrivaled.
With clear regret, he lets her hand go, moving to pull on his gloves and pick up his cane. It was time to collect what he was owed. ]
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no subject
Or the thing he's been regretting since Van Eck snatched her away.
But he knows her too well—she's going to pursue it if he tries to evade her line of questioning. ]
You. [ A thing both relieving and frightening to say. He's never had such a lever to be used against him before. The touch, perhaps, but even he could grit his teeth through it if he saw it coming.
The thought of anything horrible happening to her just. Puts him completely off balance.
He leans against the sink, hands curled along the ledge of it, his gaze dropping towards the letter from the Gemensbank. ]
On Vellgeluk, Van Eck changed his mind because I looked at you first. [ He's turned it over and over since then, hating that he'd been so transparent. ]
no subject
He changed his mind because he is a cheat, and he took me because I was the obvious choice.
[ a gentle correction, and a nudge that he shouldn't carry a burden for something that was outside of any of their controls. she scoots herself over a little bit, within touching distance, if only so she can gently brush her hand against the sleeve of his shirt, to get his attention.
and, more importantly, inej ducks her head a little to catch his gaze, with a slight smile. ]
You have enough stupid mistakes to take credit for without adding unnecessary ones to the pile.
no subject
Still, he doesn't think it's as easy as Inej says—that he'd changed his mind because he thought her an easy target. Kaz had seen his face, had seen how his expression shifted with recognition when he'd followed his eyeline. After all, he'd announced that he'd take the whole group just a moment before. At least they would've been all together; power in numbers, even if Van Eck wouldn't think of it that way. He thought too much like the stadwatch, in nice orderly lines. ]
He changed his mind because I couldn't help myself. [ And then she'd gone through that horrifying ordeal, threatened to have her legs shattered. He turns his head to look at her, brows furrowed. ]
I was worried about you and showed my whole hand.
no subject
[ it's asked quietly, keeping his gaze, searching his features. because while van eck may have seen that kaz was worried about her, it didn't change the fact that inej kept the secrets of the dregs. even if kaz hadn't looked at her, inej would be the obvious choice, if van eck wanted to know where yuul was.
she wants to brush her fingers against his cheek, run her thumb along his cheekbone, to comfort him. but that feels like too much, like a string waiting to snap. so instead, she gently brushes her fingers against the sleeve of his shirt. ]
You deserve happiness.
[ it's said gently. ]
Part of that is showing that you care.
no subject
Somehow, though, that boy from Lij had crawled up instead, worry and fear easily read by anyone looking. And he knows it would probably show again, if she were ever put in danger's path again. None of the logic works to assuage the anxiety—it doesn't matter that she can more than handle herself. He just wants her to be alright. To know she's doing fine. ]
Do I? [ It feels like all he's done lately is bring misery. There's a whole long line of it behind him too—Filip, Saskia, the fake bank clerks, and everyone else between him and Pekka Rollins. ]
Showing it is just going to get us in trouble again. I don't want to give them the option of using us as weapons against each other.
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Look at me.
[ it's said gently, as she reaches out with a hand to brush her fingers along his jaw, a light touch lifting his chin so he can truly meet her gaze. it's done without thinking, a need to get him to actually listen instead of letting himself dwell inside his head. ]
If they want to attempt to use us against each other, let them try. They will fail.
[ just like van eck did. just like pekka rollins will. they would get out of this mess, come hell or high water, and they would fail. because if kaz brekker didn't kill them for trying, the wraith would. ]
Pekka Rollins, Tante Heleen, and Jan Van Eck have taken enough from us without robbing us of the right to be happy. We deserve more than just survival.
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Still, he can't stop himself from thinking I don't want to put you in the position again. Van Eck had dragged her through who knew what. There were things he's sure she spared him, knowing it would only add fuel to the fire. He knows it's not completely avoidable, that neither of them live a safe life. She just doesn't deserve to deal with more suffering, not after what she's been through. And if he can keep her from it, he will.
It does make him wonder how she's able to keep her head up and still remain so positive. She sounds sure that they'll get more, that they'll have happiness.
All he can think of right now is the possible noose he's tied around all their necks. ]
If we can get through this. [ He has a plan, naturally. But it's complicated. Something can always go wrong. Like all this stuff with Dunyasha. ]
Your dressing's bled through.
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[ it's said evenly, because they have. what was the city bearing down on them threatening to hang them alive compared to the menagerie, or pekka rollins murdering kaz's brother, or chaining matthias in hellgate, putting nina in chains and giving jesper a beat down once a week for his debt, or van eck pretending to love his son only to have him killed, or any of the other sins any of them have been through. a noose was the kindest thing ketterdam has attempted to do to them, in comparison to what the city has actually done. ]
We did not come this far to fail now.
[ so they will get through this. there was no other option.
she withdraws her hand, still not liking the defeatism, but he's at least having a conversation with her now rather than with whatever demons are lurking in the dark. the comment about her bandages causes a soft sigh (in exasperation, mostly) as she shrugs her shoulders a little. ]
She cuts deep. [ to kill, not to maim, and inej's tone is a little rueful as she leans over to tug her cut bandages into her lap. using the mirror will allow her to change them with only a little difficulty, and she twists a little to look at the bandages, tugging her shirt up just a bit to see. ] It won't take long to change.
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All of it feels worse. Has been worse. He just can't help that niggling voice in the back of his head, the one that sounds like his brother telling him he's dodged death too many times. This might be it.
He'll just have to make sure it isn't.
Inej looks down at her bandages and he lets himself inspect the same spots. It's a greedy thing, looking at her like this. He wants to remember every detail. ]
I can help you. [ The words are out of his mouth before he can stop himself. And for a brief moment it feels like all the air in the room has stilled. She'd said those words to him, years before, standing in her silks in the Menagerie. Those same words have been etched into his skin, stark against the pale underside of his wrist. ]
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she feels her own anxiety curl around her, almost tempted to tell him no. because he would be invading her space, and touching her in a way that she hadn't been (or, rather, allowed) touched in a long time. but this was kaz. he would never hurt her, or take advantage of her.
so: ]
Alright.
[ as she offers the bandages in her lap to him. ]
I can take the old ones off, if you want.
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Yet every piece of contact gives a sense of relief. Reassurance that she's here and alive.
There's a few beats of silence and while her expression doesn't change overly much, he can see the pinch of anxiousness around her eyes. Those ghosts of men invading her space without permission, rearing up in her memory.
Some of the tension breaks when she allows for it. Only some, because he feels like this is more risky than a fight in the Barrel. ]
I'll take care of them. [ I'll take care of you.
He pulls himself away from where he's leaned against the counter to step between her knees. His nerves feel like they're jangling as much as church bells, resonant and drowning out everything else. It had narrowed down to the two of them, closer than he thinks they've ever been. And it still felt like a daunting gulf—he didn't know where to start. Didn't know exactly where to look because like this, they were eye to eye, her gaze steady and warm as it always was. He felt transfixed, nervous that if he looked away, the moment would shatter. ]
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she has an impulse, sudden, to dip forward to kiss him. she resists.
instead, she tilts her head a little, gaze still locked on his, as she lifts her arms a little, so he can start to undo it. and replace it with the new bandages, strewn on her lap. ]
The tie is along my back.
[ quietly, still watching him. still calm. he'll need to reach his arms around her to get to it, to untie it and undo it. but she doesn't ask him to move, letting him set whatever pace he deems necessary.
she has learned the hard way (mostly with that damn leg of his) that offering kaz brekker help when he's decided he can do it himself is only asking for a sour mood. or a swing of the cane, if you were anyone but inej. ]
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Carefully, he leans in, looping his arms up and around her ribs and making sure he touched her as little as possible. For both of their sakes. Light fingertips follow the line of the bandage to the knot—at this point, he's wholly in her space. If he angled his head down, he could kiss her neck. Drawing in a shaky breath, he works on undoing the tie, tugging lightly so he didn't aggravate her wound.
It finally loosens and he unravels the fabric slowly. The other end of it is pressed against her skin, close enough to the cut that he doesn't want to tug on it. If he wants to finish undoing it, he'll have to brush his fingers along her shoulder. Water felt like it was in his lungs, weighing his limbs down, paralyzing and suffocating in turn.
He could do this. She's alive, her eyes dark as a night sky, posture graceful and elegant as the acrobat she'd been born into.
Two fingers slide under the last of the bandage and he feels dizzy, nausea working its way up and fighting the brief buzz of cool relief. Dimly, he knew he was in the Geldrunner, helping Inej with her bandages. His vision blurred, though, and all he could see was the rock of Ketterdam's harbor. The unseeing eyes of those who passed in the plague. Jordie's too soft and waxen skin under his hands. ]
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it's almost dizzying, the relief that she doesn't panic. or bolt, or shove him away, or find herself unable to breathe. if anything, she wants to lean forward, and wrap her arms around his waist, bury her face into his chest, to seek more comfort.
but she doesn't have time to think, or focus on it, because his breathing shifts. and though inej doesn't really know why, she can feel the tension vibrating off of him. ]
Kaz.
[ it's whispered, her tone quiet, and she shifts a hand to place along his ribs, fingers curling into his shirt a little, to try and keep him in the moment. her fingers press into his side a little -- not quite a jab, like in the prison wagon going into the ice court, but to prod him a little bit into realizing that they were here. ]
Stay with me. Hm?
[ and she tilts her head a little, to catch his gaze. ]
Are you okay?
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Then her fingers press into his side, the contact jolting him into the present. There's a cold sweat at the back of his neck and he swallows, refocusing on what she's asking of him. Stay with her. Don't let the ghosts drag him back under. It's a tall order but once he's broken from that haze, it's a little easier to stop thinking about water gathering around his shins. ]
I don't– [ He doesn't what? So many things. Doesn't think he can do this, doesn't know if he likes the contact or loathes it, doesn't know how he feels, caught in a maelstrom of conflicting emotions. The relief of the contact should be more, should override everything. It's just... the past has its hooks in him, always so eager to pull him back in.
After a moment, he doesn't give himself more time to think, pulling up the rest of her bandage and moving his hand away. ]
It's always like this.
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[ it's said with a slight press of her palm against his side, smoothing her hand over the shirt. meant to be reassuring, and also with some level of understanding. because she is often gripped with panic, whenever someone touches her that she isn't expecting. she's much better now that she knows how to defend herself, but in the beginning, any man who loomed over her would send her mouth dry and inej vanishing into the shadows to shake. ]
But you will overcome it.
[ it's said as she moves her hand away from his side, to tug the bandages into her lap, unfurling them with a quick motion of her fingers. not pushing him away, allowing him to remain squarely in her space. they really are only inches apart, and a certain vibrating tension is making its way through her stomach. driven by an urge to kiss him, but not entirely sure she could. or he could. but she wants to, which is an improvement, isn't it?
instead, inej lets a faint smile curve her features, as she holds out the bandages toward him. encouraging, but not forcing him. she can always bandage it herself, if need be. but she knows how it feels, to have to quit because of memories lurking in the dark. and she knows how it feels to triumph over them, even though they're screaming in her ear.
he deserves that giddy sense of achievement. ]
The Kaz Brekker that I know can do anything that he sets his mind to, especially if he wants it badly enough.
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That dark voice whispers in his ear. Payment for what he's done, perhaps. For leaving his brother's body in the harbor. For surviving, even if it meant cutting out others' chances for the same thing. Maybe it's what he deserves, to be so close to someone he desperately wants to touch and not being able to do it without the paralyzing panic.
She holds the bandages out, leaving the decision in his hands. Taking a slow breath, he mentally pushes through the nausea, the doubts sitting so readily on the surface. He thinks about her curled up with him on the reams of fabric, both of them fitted together like a puzzle. That's what he wants. That and more. Thinking about it takes some of the tension out of his shoulders and he lets go of the breath he'd been holding.
She's right, after all. When has anything ever stopped him from doing what he wanted? He wasn't about to stop himself. So he takes the bandages, careful about where he starts the placement. Slowly, he does a loop around her shoulder and then down, steeling himself as he leans into her space more to ring the bandage around her back. A few more of those loops and he's tied off the bandage, leaving him still leaned in close.
If he tipped his head down, he could kiss her. Kiss her neck or her cheek. His breath hitches, the pull of want strong enough to be tempting. ]
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he's much taller than she is, but inej has never felt uncomfortable or threatened by kaz looming over her. because he so rarely does, she thinks to herself as he gingerly loops the bandage around her, remaining almost statuesque in how still she is. he's never once threatened to hurt her, though he has pushed her away. thrown up walls and anything else to get her to leave.
but, here they are. tiptoeing around the obvious in a bathroom while the city burns.
he ties off the bandage, but remains close. and inej's head tilts slightly, to figure out what is wrong. but he's nervous, not necessarily panicked, though she can feel the shift in his breathing. he's resisting doing something, but what? the job of bandaging her wound is already done.
though, she realizes, if she inches her head just a little bit more, she could kiss his cheek. the thought paralyzes her, but just as suddenly, inej remembers what she had just said a few moments before. since when has she allowed anything to prevent her from doing what she wanted to do? not even heleen had beaten the defiance out of her. and why should she allow what the menagerie had done to her to control whether or not she kissed someone that she wanted to kiss?
so she leans forward just enough to gently press her lips against his cheek, the movement delicate and soft, barely there. it's dizzying, really, and for the barest moment, inej finds it difficult to breathe because her heart is hammering so loudly in her chest. but once the kiss (if you could call it that) is done, she murmurs: ]
I lied, on the boat. When I said I only wanted a friend.
[ and she pulls away just enough to catch his gaze, though her smile is a little sheepish, her cheeks pink, voice soft. ]
But only a little.
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Briefly, he wonders if she's come to a similar conclusion. That if she tilted her head, she could kiss his cheek. It sends a small thrill through him, to consider that they might be on the same page.
It's also fraying his nerves in a way the Ice Court failed to.
Then the moment is breaking, her gathering the courage before him to kiss his cheek. Her lips brush across the skin light enough that he doesn't feel the sickness, just the pleasant syrupy relief that's supposed to be there. Still, that doesn't prevent his pulse from sounding loud in his ears, almost to the point he doesn't catch what she says next.
A lie. Just a little one. One he completely understands in this moment because he feels like he's done the same. He doesn't want to just be friends, though he's certainly happy to be considered hers.
Under the surface, though, it seems like they've both been hiding. And in this moment, it's the small boost of daring he needs to get over the next hurdle. He closes that small gap between them again, brushing a tentative kiss to her jaw. ]
Why not both?
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Greedy.
[ she murmurs, smoothing her palms against his sides, to undo the wrinkles caused by her tugging. but him being closer allows her to return the favor, to gently kiss his jawline, lingering for half a second more than previous.
it feels incredible, a calming warmth wrapping around her. her nerves settling instantly at his touch. she had heard that contact felt divine, once you found your match, but she hadn’t expected it to be true.
but she pauses, then, dipping forward to rest her head against his shoulder, exhaling slowly. taking advantage of his closeness, as she fiddles with his shirt. ]
You have always had my heart, Kaz.
[ it’s said quietly, before she lifts her head again to look at him, with a soft frown. ]
And I won’t have it broken so soon. [ not by him, anyway. ] So I expect you in one piece, at the end of tonight.
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[ The Barrel demands a lot, day in and day out. On top of that, he's been trying to get them all out of the noose he feels he's put them in. It feels like payment after payment and nothing to show for it. Not yet, anyway. At the end of this, they'll either be rich enough to make the merchers annoyed or too dead to care about lost gains. In either scenario, he's going to greedily hoard these moments with Inej. But he especially doesn't want to go out with regrets.
So yes, he's greedy. Giddy, too, as she kisses his jaw, her small hands curling into his shirt. The nausea is less this time, shot through with warm elation. She leans her head against his shoulder and he puts a hand on her back, over the bandages. Just in case. The closeness is enough, here, settling his nerves. ]
I won't be walking empty handed. [ It is a gamble, a big one, but it's one that should pay off how he imagines. Even if he doesn't know how some of the Dregs will react, he knows Per Haskell well enough to understand what the old man will try to do when he shows up at his doorway.
Or rather, on his staircase. ]
I'll make it back. [ One way or another. ]
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not enough that she won't tag along behind, of course. but enough to know that he's focused on the end goal - coming back.
she rests there, for a moment. if she turned her head a little, she could rest her cheek over his heart. she considers doing so, before she realizes that she's probably delayed the inevitable enough. another bitter shot of unfairness, provided by the barrel.
so inej smooths her hands against his shirt, sitting up enough to look at him again, her gaze slightly critical. she lifts her hands to straighten his collar, to fix a missed (or, rather, undone) button. her fingers shift from his neck to tame his hair into something a little less mussed from splashing water on his face (though, inej thinks to herself ruefully, she much prefers it that way).
and, finally, inej leans over his arms just a bit to collect his gloves from the sink. ]
Good.
[ as she hands them over, because while inej has the joy of seeing kaz, the rest of the barrel doesn't deserve the privilege. ]
Because I am serious about removing Haskell's head and kicking it into the harbor, if you do not.
[ and pekka rollins can join him, for all she cares. for all of his power, that worthless man can't duck her blade. ]
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In a way it feels strange, to want something so mundane. Everything he's worked for has always been for a specific purpose. Honed and sharpened over time. He can't remember the last time he wanted to do something just because he found some sort of comfort in it. There's much to do and he knows he should move. But he wants to spend a few more precious seconds like this, with only the two of them and their relative guards down.
Just like anything, the moment does pass as she sits up, silently acknowledging he has to be at the Slat soon. If he's going to pull this off, he has a small window to do it in. She does take the time to straighten his shirt and comb her fingers through his hair. The latter has him swaying ever since slightly into the touch, that same pleasant warmth tingling under his skin.
Finally, he takes the gloves when they're handed to him. Though he doesn't put them on just yet, holding them loosely in one hand. ]
They wouldn't have any idea what's coming. [ Morbid as it is to joke about. Neither of them would see her before it was too late. The thought warms him a little further. Leaves him feeling bolder. Enough to lean in to kiss her cheek. ]
Try not to miss me too much while I'm out.
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miss him, as if she were some teenage girl hopelessly in love with the boy next door. . . . which, in retrospect, inej supposes she is, but certainly not to the point of sighing to herself awaiting his return. so kaz earns a look, middling between cross and exasperated. miss him while he's out, as if he's going down the street to the local store to pick up a loaf of bread. like they're some old married couple in the countryside.
the thought warms her, for a brief moment. before it's quickly replaced by a familiar huff of annoyance. ]
I do not know why I put up with you.
[ she does. because she adores him, and can't imagine her life without him, and everything about him captivates her, from his stupid arrogant grin to how he can make a coin disappear with a flick of his fingers. not that she would ever say the last part out loud. his ego is big enough.
she does, though, reach out to adjust his collar a final time. ]
Do not stray from the path I marked for you. The rooftops are slippery, and you only have one good leg left.
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That's never been the full case for either of them. They have their good days and their bad ones—the ones where they disagree and don't talk for a handful of hours. But it's always been different with her. Just like so many things, so many of his decisions. In some way, he'd known they were connected, ever since that moment in the parlor.
It's just taken...a few years to coming around to facing it head on.
Carefully, he catches one of her fussing hands with his, the contact a warm jolt of pleasantness. ]
I won't get creative with your path. [ He trusts her too much, especially in the moment. Her knowledge of Ketterdam's layout was unrivaled.
With clear regret, he lets her hand go, moving to pull on his gloves and pick up his cane. It was time to collect what he was owed. ]
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