timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ the comment causes her eyes to open, catching the sight of his hand smoothing down her leg. but her mind is focused on what kaz said, not the feeling. for once.

it would be a lie, to say that it hadn't crossed inej's mind. to return to os kervo, to hunt down the people who did this to her. they are surely still in business, catching girls, selling them for profit. but she had always hesitated. mostly because there were other goals, other lines to disrupt. other people to free. pursuing the people who had caught her felt . . . selfish. and what good was revenge, really?

she had seen what revenge had done to kaz's heart. and inej was loathe to allow it to do the same to her. but would it really be revenge if it was preventing what happened to her to another young girl? ]

We could.

[ finally, though she sounds distracted. as if she's truly entertaining the idea. still processing it, in her mind. in her heart. and, eventually, inej settles on an answer, drawing her knees up a bit to her chest, so she can properly tuck herself against kaz's side. for comfort, more than anything else. ]

It would not change what happened. And I do not remember much, about that night. I -- [ and she pauses before pursing her lips together, steeling her resolve. ] I think I blocked most of it out.

[ Her response surprises him a bit. Because the distracted nature of it says that she's considering the idea, turning over the possibility. He stays silent and slowly slides his hand along her side, his own version of comfort where words fail. It's her choice, in the end. He knows what he would choose, every time, not one for forgiveness. ]

It wouldn't. [ After all, ruining Pekka Rollins had not given him his brother back. Nor those years lost to the ruthlessness of the Barrel. It hadn't magically healed his scars (inside and out) or unbroken his leg.

Still, something had settled in him afterwards. A spirit put to rest. Rollins could never dupe anyone like that again, could never create another Kaz Brekker. That had been worth it. ]

I remembered every detail, for better or worse. [ It had given him the resolve on the days where he wanted nothing more than to crawl back into the harbor. ] If they're still out there, they're probably still leaving damage behind.

[ she still doesn't know, not wholly, what pekka did to him. she knows generally (being there, for kaz's best, and his worst, comes with the toll of knowing certain things most people probably wouldn't want to know). and one day, maybe, he'll tell her those details he remembers that he hasn't said. or maybe he won't.

it doesn't really matter, either way.

and she mulls over that fact, and what he said, her head still resting on his shoulder. it doesn't really matter to her, in the end, if kaz wants to tell her what happened to him. what matters to her is that he heals from it, and he is. slowly, but surely.

maybe it would do the same for her.

and even if it didn't, kaz is correct -- they're still leaving damage behind. ]

It was in Os Kervo.

[ finally, her tone quiet, her eyes fixated on the wall ahead of her. ]

[ There's silence as she thinks it over some more and he lets it settle, leaning a bit towards her. It's a comfort to be this close, her weight against his side and the warmth seeping through the fabric of his pajamas. If he had clued in earlier, maybe they could've gotten here sooner.

Or maybe the timing is just right, having gotten over their own particular hurdles enough. Now they aren't fighting their pasts in isolation; that alone is helpful to know. Because despite neither of them having the exact details, there's an understanding. ]

You don't have to tell me everything. [ But Os Kervo—that's a start. Doubtless it's an easy path to tread through. A place to resupply. And with enough coin, get people to turn the other way, to ignore some children who look lost in a big city. ]

I hold no shame over it anymore.

[ she used to, quite a bit. and she knows some part of her feels the violation, the filth, from what occurred. but inej is no longer that person, and she can't continue to carry guilt for something that was not her fault. ]

I don't remember the dock, or the ship, or the flag. I was blindfolded and gagged, and I stayed that way for the journey to Kerch.

[ no glimpses of faces. or maybe they had, and she just blocked it out. ]

But I remember the man who guarded the cells, the one in charge, smelled like cheap tobacco and fruit wine.

[ as did many of the sailors on board, but this one was different. ]

And I remember that he knew Haleen well.

[ As she describes some of it, he can feel another bubble of anger. The fact that this had happened at all, unforgivable. It's not useful to simply be angry, though. What this will take is careful planning, plenty of research.

A slaver who smells of fruit wine and cheap tobacco is nothing special. But a connection to Heleen—that he can use. The trafficking routes to Kerch can be sniffed out, especially considering its supposed illegality. And anyone with ties to a brothel that's basically in ruins has got to be looking for other places.

There's also the matter of Heleen herself being so recognizable by description. An image that's going to continue to work against her here. ]

That narrows the field a bit; she was very specific. [ In just about everything: her business, her taste, how she handled people.

He's drawn out of his thoughts at the knock on the door and takes the few moments away to get dinner (nearly forgotten in the midst of their conversation) sorted. Service having gone again and door shut, he comes back over with the tray, settling on the side table. ]

[ she's about to tell him that he doesn't need to do this, because she recognizes the tone, the look on his face -- he's planning, and inej almost tells him that he needn't when there's a knock on the door. and when kaz gets up to go handle it, inej quickly but quietly slips underneath the covers -- covering her legs, but only for a brief moment.

once the door closes again, she tugs the quilt off again, and she watches him set the tray down, her expression a little hard to read. and she folds her hands in her lap, looking down at them for a moment, trying to figure out what she wants to say. ]

You do not have to devote your time to this, if -- [ if what, inej. if he has better things to do, is probably what she wants to say, but even inej knows that that will be met with stubbornness. ] I could track them down.

[ kaz has already given her so much, and in comparison, inej isn't sure she could ever repay that debt. -- not that it is a debt, but all the same. ]

[ He picks up a bowl and hands it over to her, fork already scooped in. After he grabs his, he sits back down on the bed diagonal to her, idly putting his train of thought back together as he mixes the contents of his dinner.

Of course, at her comment, he gives her a funny look, as though the idea of not doing anything had never crossed his mind.

(It had, but so brief as to not count). ] I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to, Inej.

[ she takes the bowl, carefully folding the curry into the rice. the smell is nostalgic, and familiar. and she considers taking her first bite, but decides against it, in lieu of considering what he said.

inej ghafa has given a lot, to kaz brekker. some without regret, and some with. she became exactly who he needed, but most importantly, she became what she needed. but kaz has given her far more than she could ever ask from anyone. and inej knows that part of that is simply returning what's owed, but most of it is because kaz cares about her.

wrestling with that is . . . difficult, for some reason. mostly because inej has no idea why she is balking, at this offer of help. she is proud, but not stupid. but the prospect of ending something that ruined so much is almost overwhelming. ]

You have given me so much.

[ as she stirs her curry. ]

And hunting them down will not be easy.

[ His bowl gets propped in his lap as he waits for it to cool. And as he works his way through this conversation. Inej is being... not exactly hard headed but perhaps a bit resistant. Which seems like more of a move he's pulled in the past than something she's known for.

Though, he thinks he can understand the reasoning to try and put him off of it. Chances are it could be a long haul, depending on how difficult the information is to dig up.

But then, he's never shied away from things that were difficult. Before their little team, the Ice Court had been considered impenetrable. And yet, they'd gotten and out with all limbs intact. He reaches forward, cupping her chin and meeting her eyes. ]

I want to do this for you. With you. I don't care if it isn't easy—when has anything been, for us?

[ she's about to continue when he reaches out to cup her chin, lifting her head to meet his eyes. she's clearly startled, by the motion, and is about to ask what when he speaks. and whatever protest she had dies in her throat, because there's really no argument to be had, against that.

maybe it's the knowledge that it could be over, or that he has her back no matter what, but there's a sudden weight in her throat, and inej feels a prickling in the back of her eyes. the suspicious tell-tale sign of tears, which inej stubbornly tries to keep at bay.

it's mostly a success, though her eyes do appear wet, and her voice muted, as she says: ]

Never.

[ it's quiet.

it's never been easy. no part of any piece of their lives have been easy. it's been a constant struggle and fight and clawing to the top. ]

[ Initially, there's a bit of panic that raced through him when he sees the threat of tears in her eyes. They get too glossy to be anything else and he wonders if he said something wrong. If he overstepped a boundary with his words; it wouldn't be the first time he had done so inadvertently.

Her voice has that muffled wobble to it when she finally speaks up and he breathes an internal sigh of relief. His thumb strokes across her cheek, gently, as reassuring as he can get in a situation where he feels out of his depth.

He can't recall ever seeing her come this close to crying before, even at some of her worst moments. ]

Besides, I think they could use a little taste of what it means to be chased. [ And by none other than Dirtyhands and the Wraith. If they've ever passed through Ketterdam, even glancingly, they would know what that means. ]

[ she's half afraid that if she starts, she won't be able to stop. so she fights down the urge, her lips curving into a faint smile as a shuddered laugh escapes before she sniffs, reaching up a hand to wipe her eyes quickly. feeling foolish for letting herself get so worked up over something that hasn't even happened yet.

but once she does that, inej carefully sets aside her bowl of curry before leaning forward to wrap her arms loosely around his neck, burying her face into his shoulder for a tight hug.

she doesn't say anything. mostly because there isn't that much to say, save for allowing the feeling of gratitude and love wash over her, her fingers curling into his shirt.

life has not been easy, but to this day, inej isn't sure why the saints granted her a sliver of good fortune in having kaz visit the menagerie on that day. ]

[ Some of the worst of it seems to pass. Or rather, she recovers quick enough to wipe away the tears, letting out a shivery laugh.

And then she's fully in his space, arms looped around his neck, face tucked into his shoulder. He sets his own bowl aside and wraps his arms around her middle, tugging her closer. One hand strokes down her spine; he knows she seems to relax when he does that. His head tilts, cheek pressing to her hair.

Kaz will never be a religious man, preferring to have a healthy dose of skepticism. But one thing is for certain: he's glad for whatever made him to decide to go to the Menagerie all those years ago. If it was her Saints or even the greedy bastard Ghezen himself, maybe he owes them some kind of thanks.

Until he knows for certain, he'll just be happy to have this. ]

[ he hugs her tighter, and she closes her eyes to focus on the feeling of his hand against her back, his cheek against her hair. it's really only in moments like this where inej truly feels small. kaz is so much taller than she is, but it's not a bad feeling.

if anything, she feels safe.

once she has a grip, though, she realizes a few things. one, that she's practically in his lap. two, that she's completely sidelined dinner in lieu of talking about something depressing. and three, that kaz really would do anything for her. including, but not limited to, chasing down ghosts in the dark to make the world a little bit safer for her.

that thought causes inej to pull away just enough to look at him, her arms still looped around her neck. and while her eyes are still suspiciously glossy, her tone is a lot more solid, sure of herself. ]

Let's cut them down.

[ piece by piece. ]

[ Right now, he can't be sure of what's crossed her mind. Aside from thinking everything over. Or possibly remembering things better left in the past. She's curled in close though and doesn't seem to be keen on pulling away.

Which at least says she isn't disappearing. That's good. ]

Brick by brick. [ It'd been his mantra for taking down Rollins. Because it hadn't been enough to kill him or temporarily ruin his business. He'd wanted him to suffer, permanently. The same thing can be applied to the slavers. Even moreso, because the pain they'd doled out deserves the karma. ]

You alright?

[ her lips twitch, the curve of her mouth pulling upward just enough to barely be a smile, at brick by brick. she supposes it's true, in the end. to ruin something truly, you need to rip it apart at the foundation.

at his question, though, inej hesitates before nodding once, shifting her hands slightly to cup his face, running her thumbs across his cheeks. she is fine, and will always be fine. and truthfully, she still isn't entirely sure why she became upset . . . or was she even upset? no, that's the wrong word.

overwhelmed. loved. moved. something like that. ]

I am not upset.

[ quietly, as she lets her hands slip from his face to fiddle with the front of his shirt. still close, the food still ignored. ]

Only grateful.

[ Her hands cup his face and he leans into it, just a fraction. They've done this enough that he isn't nauseated by it. Instead, he wants the touch, can feel the bloom of warmth from it in his chest. He drops his own hands to her waist, keeping her close.

Dinner is getting cold but honestly? It doesn't matter. ]

I'm glad. [ Kaz takes her hands in his, smoothing his thumbs across her knuckles. Touch just to touch. And maybe be soothing. ]

[ her eyes flicker toward their hands, watching his thumb roll over her fingers. the difference in their hands has always struck her. in skin tone, in shape, in size.

she smiles faintly to herself, curling her own fingers around his. ]

Do you know why I kissed you earlier?

[ voice soft. ]

[ He smiles faintly when she curls her fingers around his, simply enjoying the touch. It makes him want to hold her close, like what they do when they've crawled under the blankets. Or when she leans into his embrace, her weight against him in a warm line. ]

Haven't the faintest. [ Sure, he could make some guesses. But for once, he doesn't want to form a theory, instead wanting to hear it from her without any pretense. ]

[ inej is fairly certain that's a lie, but she skips over that to squeeze his fingers. ]

Because I'm done just surviving.

[ and she shifts her eyes upwards, to look at him properly. and after that, her smile grows just a bit bigger. ]

And because I wanted to.

[ that piece felt important, too. ]

[ She uses the same words he had earlier and– ah, well, that makes sense now. They've both just been surviving. Which hadn't been an easy task by a long shot. So much that it'd taken up their lives entirely. The Kaz he'd been a year ago would have never done this. Wouldn't have sat with Inej's hands in his own, nor have even thought of going away from Ketterdam, away from the gang and its machinations.

He's still a bit worried about the gang but he'd taken her words to heart. And he's glad he hadn't decided to turn back around because he wouldn't have gotten this afternoon and all of the little things he hasn't had a chance to appreciate. ]

Well, if you ever feel like doing it again, I'm not going to stop you. [ He knows, though, how important it is for her to say. To have done at all. ]

[ there's a huff of laughter, at the comment, before inej leans forward just enough to brush her lips against his. ]

We should eat dinner.

[ it's murmured, still squarely in his space, and seemingly unwilling to change that fact, fingers intertwined with his. ]

[ Her lips brush his and he leans the slightest bit into it, feeling the familiar uptick of his pulse. It's the smallest thing but they've done so much to get here; every touch and kiss is a triumph.

Though even if that weren't a thing, he's pretty sure he'd feel the same way. It's Inej, after all. ]

You first. [ She is the one basically in his lap. Kaz is fairly sure he could physically move her but that's effort. ] Unless you're planning to feed me like a baby bird.

[ she purses her lips (clearly in an attempt not to laugh), before she shifts her weight, scooting backwards to situate herself back onto the bed properly, to reclaim her bowl of (now warm) curry. she crosses her legs underneath herself without moving her arms or upper body, perfectly balanced on the mattress as she rests the bowl in her lap. ]

I don't think I need to feed you yet.

[ amused, as she resumes stirring her food. ]

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