timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

I do know how to read fortunes.

[ she muses to herself, letting her hand slip from his face to fiddle with the neck of his shirt. ]

But I gave that up to learn how to be an acrobat.

[ it was way more fun. and clearly more useful, in her new life. still, she shifts herself forward to kiss him gently, settling herself back into the pillows with a small grin. ]

Maybe I can pick it up again.

I don't know— [ He starts, propping himself up on one arm so he can lean in to return her kiss. ] —the suspense is nice too.

[ Not knowing what the future holds is their general state of being. Plenty of times, he's wished to know what happens, how exactly everything unfurls. Doesn't everyone? Especially those in the Barrel, just trying to make it through another day.

This relationship with Inej, though... he doesn't mind not knowing. Nor does he mind, as he's been finding out, giving up the usual iron-clad control he's kept for so long. It's not exactly an easy thing to shed the armor but he wants to do it for her. She's been so patient for long enough. ]

[ she’s considering kissing him again when he beats her to the punch, and inej grins a little into the kiss as she returns it, her hands shifting to cup his face. it’s slow, and gentle. lazy, really, much like their morning is turning out to be.

but once the kiss is finished (or, at least, on a brief pause), she murmurs (practically against his lips): ]

I thought we had plans to sleep in today.

[ as she presses her lips to the corner of his mouth, playful, testing boundaries, tone amused and still half-laced with sleep. ]

[ Time seems to slow for the few moments they spend kissing. There's no rush, after all. They can be as lazy as they want, which reflects in their touches, in her mouth against his. He carefully slides his hand down her side, just for the extra contact. ]

No one said we had to use the time to sleep. [ They are the masters of their own schedule. ] Unless you want to.

[ If she does, he'll turn over. Maybe try to read his book. ]

[ he's sort of hovering over her, propped up on his arm, and inej watches him for a moment. the curve of his mouth, and how his hair falls into his eyes. and she supposes she's always known kaz was handsome, but it's different, now.

because she gets to see this, and no one else does.

and that causes a warm stir in her chest, and a slightly bigger grin as she tugs him closer, for another kiss. ]

I don't want to.

[ murmured.

this seems like a much better use of her time. ]

[ She's watching him for a few beats and he has to wonder what she's thinking. Is she just making sure he's okay? It doesn't seem like she's thinking of the Menagerie—her expression is too calm for that, her gaze too direct.

He supposes it doesn't matter because whatever question he would've asked is immediately forgotten as she grins and tugs him close for another kiss. This one isn't as lazy, though he still isn't in a rush. There's a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth and he moves his hand from her side, the backs of his knuckles tracing up the middle of her torso. He shifts his weight, just a bit, to take some of the pressure off his arm.

And to maybe make it less obvious that certain parts have started to react to all of this. ]

[ some part of her wants to push her own limits. it's not necessarily fair, that kaz has taken so much of this on his shoulders, when inej has her own demons. and while her heart thrums with waging war between want and anxiety, she knows that she wants to try. just a bit.

so she tugs him a little closer, relishing in the feeling of his hand against her side. the kiss definitely a bit more energetic, looping her arms around his neck before she decides to push her luck.

so she shifts her legs, using kaz's weight against him to tug him properly over her. it's a little awkward, and there's a bit of a quasi-stumble on her end as the kiss breaks and she can't help but laugh, grabbing his arms with her hands to steady both of them before they fall off the bed. ]

Sorry --

[ a little breathlessly, another laugh escaping before she tilts her head up for another kiss -- this one much softer, almost in apology. ]

That worked better in my head.

[ Once her arms loop around the back of his neck, he feels something like contentment—that isn't to say it stops the thrum of more from being whispered in the back of his mind. But it feels like a complete circuit; she's willing to have him close and he's more than happy to have that bit of pull on his shoulders.

Of course, she's full of surprises. There's no way he could've seen her hooking her legs around his, using his imbalance to tug him over her. The kiss is broken as a result (and because of his surprise); with her hands steadying him and his immediate reaction, neither of them go tumbling. At least there's that. ]

You can ask me to move. [ He says, amused, though he presses a kiss to her cheek. Reassurance. Shifting his weight, he leans back a bit, catching her gaze. ] This okay?

[ Because he realizes he's basically right between her legs. Which is. Hm. Not helping. Not when there's a zing of want sliding down his spine. ]

[ well, could be a worse reaction, and the kiss to her cheek mollifies her (minimal) embarrassment. but she’s comfortable, and warm, and there’s no creeping of memories. no anxiety, or crushing fear. she just wants to be close to him, and push a little bit more.

she’s not sure how much she’ll be able to do, but she’s willing to try.

so to answer his question, she pushes herself up onto her elbows to catch him in another kiss. ]

I could have.

[ she murmurs against his lips.

but this seemed more fun. ]

[ Her answer has him smiling, liking this bit of boldness. Liking the fact that she wants to push a little. And well, he has always liked how sassy her comments could be; she was never afraid to speak her mind.

How far they'll get with this, he'll see. For now he's not going to think about it, instead returning her kiss and shifting closer, one hand on her hip. His other hand braces against the bed, allowing him to pull away, head tilted to kiss her jaw and down to her neck. She'll tell him if it's too much. ]

[ he shifts closer and inej inhales slowly, finding her focus as he kisses her jaw, and then moves to her neck. it’s a careful motion, more exploratory and testing than aggressive, and for half a moment, inej feels the sudden spike of disgust through her gut.

lips on her neck, the weight resting against her, even if it’s barely just. it’s hard to disconnect her mind from her body, and inej allows her eyes to close, to focus, to try and move past it. and she can feel Kaz kiss her neck, a sensitive spot where her pulse must be going a mile a minute, and instead of disgust, she feels ... good?

it feels good.

it’s a tiny, flickering thought that inej seizes onto, and she exhales suddenly in a shuddered laugh. pushing past the fear to grab onto the warmth, the pleasantness, the want as she tilts her head back into the pillow, relishing in the feeling. ]

I like that.

[ it’s soft, barely a murmur, as her hands slide along his arms to find his shoulders, fingers curling into his shirt. ]

[ She inhales slowly and he moves carefully, pressing gentle kisses. Something about her posture is tense, though she hasn't pushed him away yet. Under his mouth he can feel her pulse, a more rapid tempo.

He thinks of pulling away, but then she's letting out a shivery laugh and the tension breaks. ]

Hm, this? [ Kaz brushes a soft kiss to her neck, just under her jaw. And another, and another, each one going further down, a little more firm until he gets to her collarbones. The hand on her hip smoothes upwards along her side, taking the fabric of her shirt with it—he stops at her ribs. Not too far. ]

[ how affectionate. some part of inej scolds herself for being so bluntly honest, because it's sure to backfire in some distant future where this is no longer a struggle, but she can't seem to care. it's dizzying, but manageable. enjoyable, even, soaking up the attention.

it's a tenuous balance, but she enjoys it. and that fact alone, is a relief. that she's capable of doing this very normal thing, even after the menagerie.

but all good things eventually have to come to an end.

the feeling of her shirt being tugged upward and fingers against her side causes inej to suddenly grab kaz's hand by the wrist, to prevent him from moving further up. her eyes snap open as she sucks in a breath, her heart suddenly hammering in her chest.

it takes a moment for her to realize that she's in their hotel room. the pillows are soft and ridiculously fluffy underneath her head, and the rumpled quilt is still warm from sleep. and, most importantly, the person hovering over her isn't a stranger, but someone who would never hurt her.

once that sinks in, she can feel herself slowly calming down, but her hand is still curled around kaz's wrist, almost uncomfortably tight, as she draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

frustrated, that her mind got the best of her. ]

[ Her hand circles his wrist in a tight grip and he knows he's pushed too far. Immediately, he leans away, giving her some space. The look on her face is pure panic and he speaks up quietly over the sudden tangle in his throat. ]

Inej, you're safe, we're in Ravka. We're going to a bookstore later and it'll probably have someone running it that's older than dirt.

[ He's not usually one to chatter but it looks like she needs it. And she's done it for him before—it's always helped, the sound of her voice leaking through and bringing him back to reality. Maybe this will do the same. ]

[ it seems to work, as inej forces herself to focus. she is fine, and in ravka. with kaz. who would never hurt her, or force her to do anything she didn't want to do. and though inej is far and beyond capable of taking care of herself, kaz has always been her protector. of more than just her body, if she were honest.

the tension seems to bleed out of her, as she listens to his voice, and inej slowly uncurls her fingers from his wrist, releasing him as she draws in another breath, letting it out slowly as she pushes herself up onto her hands, her hair falling back over her shoulders, closing her eyes to focus.

later today, inej will feel satisfied with herself for trying. but now, all she feels is the tinges of frustration and embarrassment. being afraid doesn't really become her, and she's loathe for anyone to see her like that. particularly him.

but, after a moment or two, inej seems to recall what kaz said, and she murmurs, in something of an exasperated tone: ]

You shouldn't call people older than dirt.

[ she'll be fine. ]

[ The tension bleeds out in increments. She takes a slow breath and her grip on his wrist loosens; he pulls that hand away, sets it in his lap to keep giving her space. Eventually, she sits up and he shifts back a little, taking some pressure off his knees.

And not being directly between her legs anymore. Probably not a good idea to be there while she worked through the bad memories. Right now she seems to have recovered somewhat, but he doesn't want to set her off again. Knows how fragile a thing that can be, how something can spiral so easily despite knowing better. ]

Why not? That's how they look. [ No manners, none at all. ]

[ she pulls her legs closer, crossing them underneath herself as she lets the last vestiges of the memories melt away. it's hard going, but it's getting there. she feels more like herself with each passing minute.

kaz being annoyingly obtuse helps, and inej huffs a laugh to herself as she dips her head, holding it in her hands, gently rubbing her temples as her eyes remain closed. ]

That's no excuse.

[ so rude. ]

[ She's seeming more like herself, the smile and laugh she gives isn't as tight at the corners. It still isn't as carefree as he usually knows it to be, though he also knows returning to normal can take a bit of time.

Especially after being so shaken. ]

Don't care. If I end up at that age, I'd want someone to say I was as old as the dirt.

[ Mostly because he sort of doubts he'll get close. His business doesn't typically see a long life span. ]

You will.

[ absently, a reassurance, as she focuses on the sound of his voice. she feels tired, but not so tired to remind him that he'll remain alive long enough to be whatever angry old man he wants, because inej will always be in the shadows making sure he stays that way.

more importantly: ]

And I will kick you out of bed if you ever call me old as the dirt.

[ as she pushes back her hair, blinking her eyes open to look at him, a little . . . not apologetic, necessarily. but seeking out his expression, to make sure he isn't upset (not at her, but himself).

and, after a moment, she scoots herself forward just enough to rest her forehead against his chest, leaning against him to seek comfort. maybe silently asking for a hug. and to also prove to herself that she is fine. ]

[ He doesn't necessarily agree with her but he hums in agreement anyway, just because it's not really a time to argue a dumb point. ]

I wouldn't. [ That at least is true. A small part of him wants to imagine what it would be, to see her grow old. And maybe that sparks another part of him that wants to be there when it happens. ]

Sorry. [ He says, as he takes the hint and wraps his arms around her. His chin sets on top of her head, liking the bit of closeness. ]

[ inej half believes him, on the first part, because she can see him goading her just for argument's sake, but she lets it go in lieu of being hugged. and she closes her eyes, relishing the feeling of warmth and the feeling of his chin resting on top of her head.

there's no memory, or fear, or panic. just warmth. ]

You didn't do anything wrong.

[ after a moment, exhaling slowly. ]

So there is nothing to apologize for.

Pushed too much.

[ He should've known not to tug her shirt up. She's set the pace on what parts of her clothes she's lifted. Like yesterday, when she'd come out in shorts instead of longer pants. It's like when he braces himself for a touch he knows is coming– having some semblance of control must help.

At that, he holds her a little tighter, thinking not for the first time that he wished he'd gotten her out of the Menagerie sooner. That he would've somehow known.

Chances are he might not have done anything, but it's still a regret. ]

[ he holds her tighter, and inej is quiet, though she lifts her own arms to loop around his waist. the words bother her, and inej has an irrational urge to tell him not to pity her, even though she knows that's not what this is.

so she lets herself calm down in the embrace, eyes still closed as she breathes. her heartrate slows, and soon, inej is all-but relaxed entirely against kaz, breathing slowly. ]

You're going to have to accept that I'm right without argument, one day.

[ finally, her voice slightly muffled, as she was speaking into his shirt. she had said he didn't do anything wrong. ]

You didn't do anything that I didn't want to happen.

[ she had been enjoying herself right until that moment. ]

[ She loops her arms around his middle and he relaxes some more, tension leaking out of his limbs. It seems like she does the same thing, her breathing coming in slower, calmer.

Relatively back to normal. ]

Maybe. [ His tone is amused though, even if he knows she's right. Hadn't he told her as much recently? That she was usually right? ]

It wasn't so bad. [ You know, before she locked up. He's glad she's got her face tucked towards his chest because he can feel a little flush work its way onto his cheeks. ]

[ it’s really in kaz shifting the conversation from what he thinks he did wrong to being his usual infuriating self that causes the last vestiges of panic to leave her. and a soft laugh escapes at it wasn’t so bad. ]

It was nice.

[ she murmurs before drawing in a deep breath and gently pulling away just enough to unloop her arms, rubbing her face quickly. she hadn’t felt tears or the urge to cry, but just in case, she instinctively runs her hands over her face before dropping them into her lap with a sigh. ]

We’ll just try again another time.

[ until she figures out what parts she needs to heal from and what parts she can continue to bury. the specific memory that had been triggered wasn’t a pleasant one, but now that she knows what sets her off, she can continue to work on what can be avoided versus what can be fixed.

it’s that thought that causes inej to try for a small smile, slightly teasing, in a weak joke: ]

I think I’ll take off the shirt next time.

[ maybe that would help. ]

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