timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ inej ghafa knows kaz brekker. better than anyone else on the planet. she knows when he's lying, and when he's not, and when he's hiding something. and this time, as she sets the items for sandwiches on the kitchen counter, she can tell that his thoughtful expression is bullshit.

what she can't figure out is why. has he thought about it? probably. but inej writes that off as nothing, because kaz does nothing but think. he considers everything and anything as a possibility.

so as she starts to arrange ingredients to put together something to eat for her parents, she looks at him, a little incredulous. ]

You haven't thought about marrying me.

[ she's just fucking with him, but he's the one who started it, so he gets what he gets. ]

[ Ghezen, he shouldn't have said anything. Or maybe the silence would've damned him. There's no real backing out of this conversation without either looking like an insensitive jerk—because why wouldn't he have thought about it, after everything—or completely blowing the surprise.

Maybe, just maybe, he can feign emotionally stupid. The idea of proposing in the middle of the kitchen just because her mother brought it up feels like some kind of guilt trip. ]

Crossed my mind, but didn't get much further than that. [ He shrugs, as if that seals it. ] I was more worried about whether you were going to come back, at the time.

[ it's hard to read, but her expression does soften, at that, and her hands still on the head of lettuce before she decides to abandon it, to move closer and loop her arms around his waist, resting her chin on his chest to look up at him, amused. ]

I was always going to come back.

[ first, and she pushes herself up onto her toes to give him a gentle kiss before adding, in a murmur: ]

And I think I would say yes, if it crosses your mind again.

[ before she presses her lips against his cheek, letting go to return to making lunch, beginning to shred some lettuce, before adding: ]

Probably, anyway. I sort of like living in sin.

[ though it's clear, by her tone, that she's poking fun with the last part. ]

[ He likes when she does this. Or loves it, really, there's something deeply satisfying about how she rests her chin against his chest. It's even better when she presses her cheek there, reminiscent of how they sometimes end up while asleep. ]

Have I at least told you I love you?

[ While he knows this answer, there's still a small smile curving his mouth. He leans over to kiss her temple as she goes back to what she was doing, pulling away just enough to catch her gaze. ]

Your Saints won't feel snubbed and rain down their displeasure?

You might have mentioned it once or twice.

[ wryly, though there's a small smile on her lips as she shifts to unpacking cheese, fishing a knife out of a drawer to slice it. but at kaz's next statement, she rolls her eyes, slicing a piece of cheese. ]

It is silly and unnecessary.

[ honestly!!!! ]

I do not need a piece of paper to give me permission to chase my happiness.

Just once or twice? Sounds like I need to say it more.

[ It's getting easier to say. At the start, it hadn't been quite so simple. There'd been the vulnerability part, which he'd been a lot worse at. And there'd been trying to sort through his feelings to even come to that conclusion. Which sounds stupid, because who doesn't realize they're in love with someone?

(It was him, he was and still continues to be stupid, but at least she knows he loves her now). ]

No interest in ceremony or tradition, huh? [ This is a dangerous line of questioning. He diverts it, sort of: ] You realize Nina would be devastated to hear this.

[ she tosses him a look, slicing more pieces of cheese. for someone who hadn’t thought about it, he sure was thinking about it...

besides, it wasn’t as if inej hasn’t talked about this with Nina, who frequently asks if Kaz has done anything in terms of marriage. And, every time, inej responds: ]

I would rather be married in my bedroom with a signed certificate than have a lot of people staring at me.

[ and she begins to build sandwiches, before she begins slicing tomatoes. ]

But my mother prefers the ceremony and tradition.

[ obviously, given asena’s huff. ]

Edited 2020-07-30 00:35 (UTC)

Sensible.

[ And so very much her. She's the Wraith, after all, she's made her whole life about not being seen. Only showing herself when she wanted to. Though he can't say he disagrees with it, because the idea of having a big ceremony makes him feel low key paranoid.

Talking about this makes him wonder: would it have been better or worse if his parents were around? His father had seemed like someone with his head firmly attached. What little touches his mother had left behind were equally down to earth. There's a familiar pang of loss—he wishes he would've taken something from the house, if couldn't have his parents alive. Maybe he could've kept a reminder.

But he'd been too young to think about it. And with no will, all of it had defaulted to sale to make sure him and Jordie had something to get them on their feet.

He's at least pretty sure his brother would've liked Inej.

Sighing, he puts it out of his mind. Because now he has family, or something like it. Jardani is trying his best, after all. ]

How long do you think it'll take for her to come around on us living in sin?

[ she can tell his mind has wandered to something else, and inej looks up at the sigh, her brow furrowing a little in concern — but her expression soon shifts as inej laughs quietly, shaking her head as she slices another tomato. ]

I think she will be okay.

[ as inej turns to undoing the package of roast turkey, selecting a different knife. ]

She does like the house, though. She loves the garden, and the master bedroom with the natural light. Sinful and all.

[ the entire thing is so ridiculous. ]

So I think she will come around sooner rather than later.

Your dad seemed to be tempering some of the shock, at least.

[ They've been married a long time, he knows his wife and what it takes to pull her away from an edge. Or from digging her heels in too deeply. Kaz had liked him almost instantly, probably tempered by the same calmness that kept Asena on ground level.

He has to wonder if people look at him and Inej and think the same way. Because so often, even while she was an official member of the Dregs, they could hold a conversation without saying a thing.

It's only gotten better (or worse) with time. And it makes him happy to think about. They've come a long way. ]

He thinks the house is perfect. I think he is already planning which room is going to be his and where he can keep his things.

[ amused, as she finishes assembling her sandwiches, stacking the little sandwiches on a nearby plate. but most importantly: ]

He likes you a lot.

[ jardani had made it a special point to tell inej that, likely to mollify her from her mother's indignation at her new living situation, but. you know. whatever. inej will take her victories where she can get them. ]

He's welcome to. They both are—it's not like we have a space problem.

[ As much as the idea of Asena being around so much makes him nervous. But maybe she'll come around during the visit. It's as Inej said: she probably just needs to get used to him. ]

I like him, he strikes me as very sensible. [ And laid back, to a point. Kaz typically does better with people who have similar personality traits, if only because he has a very intense way about him. The times he got along with Jes best were when his friend wasn't just laughing something off. When he brought some levity to a situation or an idea. ]

I get the feeling he's helped do a lot of convincing your mother I'm not just going to take off in the middle of the night.

[ her lips twitch into a faint smile, at that, as she drapes a tea towel over the stack of sandwiches, shifting her attention to finding fruit to go with it. boat living sort of restricts your ability to have fresh food, and while her parents hadn't spent the months and months on board like she had, they had been on the boat long enough to probably need some freshness in their diet. ]

I think now she is coping with the reality that you aren't going anywhere.

[ as she tosses him a slight grin, reaching up on her toes to grab at some apples in a hanging basket near the window of the sink. ]

Though she is going to interrogate you about marriage, so start weaving your clever excuse and tale now, while she's sleeping.

[ allegedly sleeping, anyway. inej is positive asena is not doing at all what she is supposed to be doing. like mother, like daughter. ]

Edited 2020-07-31 15:00 (UTC)

Let me guess, she was hoping I'd be long gone? No longer be a bad influence on her only child?

[ As if he could've gone anywhere. He had known Inej was important to him even when he considered her solely as the Wraith. And that had just shifted. Grown even more as time went by. She's stuck with him until one of them leaves the mortal coil.

Which he's hoping is a long way off. He doesn't want to think about losing her, the fear of it nearly paralyzing. ]

How much will she hit the roof if I'm honest and tell her I hadn't thought about it?

[ He grins, already having a good idea of what that would look like. ]

You are a bad influence.

[ a bit pointedly, as she begins to cut apples into slices, setting some aside on a different plate so kaz could have some at his leisure. (they're his favorite, after all.) and after she nudges that plate toward him, she resumes her chopping.

his grin is annoying, mostly because kaz knows exactly what would happen if he did such a thing, and so inej's tone is a little dry, in response. ]

And if I were you, I would come up with a better story than your own incompetence.

[ because that is exactly what that plan is, thank you. ]

She already thinks you're a delinquent.

[ and, you know, asena isn't wrong, in that regard. because kaz brekker is definitely a delinquent. ]

How bad?

[ Not that he's looking to change, really. He doubts he'll ever be a wholly good influence. It's just not in his nature at this point. There are some things he's unlearned from the Barrel but others that are ingrained in his bones.

Before he picks a slice of apple up, though, he interrupts her before she can take her hand away, pressing a grateful kiss to her fingers and then letting them go. He takes a slice and chews thoughtfully, thinking over a few options. ]

I'll think of something. Not sure how convincing it'll be for your mother—I don't know if she'll buy anything other than me proposing on the spot.

[ Which, while he has a ring, he doesn't want to do. It wouldn't feel genuine, for one. And two, he's pretty sure Inej would be mortified. No audience, that they can agree on. ]

Aren't we both?

[ the kiss to her fingers sparks a brightness in her eyes, and she gives him a fond expression before returning her focus to the apples. ]

I am a delinquent because of you, so being a bad influence goes without saying.

[ which is partially true, and inej doesn't say it in a tone as if it's a bad thing. seizing control of her own power, her own ability, and her own narrative had been just as freeing as finally shredding her debt contract. being the ghost of ketterdam has afforded her opportunities she never thought possible. and she wouldn't trade it for the world.

she does, though, make a face at the concept of being proposed to on the spot. the idea of a proposal at all feels like a fun little joke, between them, because inej genuinely doesn't think it's going to happen. ]

If you propose to me in front of a group of people, I'll say no, and leave you to deal with the aftermath.

[ as she finishes chopping another apple. ]

My mother will survive without seeing it.

A delinquent with very sharp knives.

[ He says it with the same kind of fondness. A sense of pride, too. While he'd given her the tools to change her life around, she's the one that had put the work in. Within the first year with the Dregs, she'd already been handier with a knife than him. And she'd worked hard to establish her reputation as the Wraith. As a shadow that no one would hear or see coming.

While he fusses over her coming along on trips with the Dregs, he knows she can hold her own. She usually has, excepting a few circumstances that had taken years off his life. ]

Well, can't have that. [ Wouldn't that be horrifying for them both? He'll save them the trouble.

One thing he's getting from this, though, despite her thinking it was likely to never happen, is where a good spot would be. Once her parents were gone and some time elapsed. So it didn't look like her mother put the idea in his head.

Maybe the docks at the end of Fifth harbor. They were usually quiet, with no one having reason to be around unless a ship pulled in. He chews on another apple slice in silence, the gears clearly turning.

There's another question he wants to ask, more because he's wondering if it's something they'll have to head Asena off on. But it's...strangely nerve wracking. ]

[ she rolls her eyes a little at the delinquent with knives, continuing to chop the apples to pile them into a little bowl. and once she's done and the knife is deposited into the sink, her gaze shifts to kaz, who is clearly thinking of . . . something. his mind elsewhere, not focused on the present.

so, while she pulls down some more plates and glasses for water, she asks: ]

What are you thinking about?

[ curious, as she stacks the plates to prepare to take them to the dining table. ]

[ Naturally, she knows something is on his mind. Just as he can always tell when she's working her way up to a question. Or to something important. It's the smallest shift of her brows, the relaxed curve of them going flat.

He's not sure what his face looks like, but whatever it is, she recognizes the expression. Part of him thinks he could bring this up later, but that just means he might put it off. So. Here goes nothing. ]

Do you think she'll— [ Kaz starts, mentally searching for better phrasing. The rest comes out weaker, as if he's at a loss. ] —ask about kids?

[ That's a thing, isn't it? That people usually aim for. He barely knows how he feels about it, let alone what Inej does. Aside from neither of them being ready for that kind of commitment.

If Asena's going to start asking for grandchildren, he doesn't want to be caught flat-footed. ]

[ . . . oh.

truthfully, inej herself hasn't really thought about them, past the ludicrousness of having them with the life that she was planning on leading. but now their lives have turned into something . . . well, stable. stable-ish. and she still hasn't really put much thought into the idea of children, because they really have just now mastered the art of touching.

that hasn't stopped asena from asking inej, though, and inej has always dodged it. she's young, and children are in a far-distant future. asena had been satisfied with that answer, but truthfully, inej isn't entirely sure she can. physically, mentally. whatever.

she never had to deal with it, in the menagerie. the thought of children. she had been young, when she had been bought by heleen, and heleen had ensured that none of her girls would be ruined by such things. inej couldn't even remember how many times heleen had required her to take some type of pill, or inject her with something. birth control, she now understood. or something else. heleen had never bothered to explain it, then. saints knows what heleen actually did to her, in her time there. inej has never really bothered to try and find out. too busy trying to escape than to really dwell on what occurred, there.

it takes a moment for her to realize that her fingers dug into her arms. and kaz will be able to see that for a moment, her gaze is distant, lost in some thought. but inej quickly unfolds her arms to force her hands to be at her sides. and she draws in a quick breath. get a grip, she commands herself. she hasn't fallen apart in what felt like ages, and she won't do so while her parents are around.

kaz had asked a question, hadn't he? ]

She won't.

[ with a shake of her head, clearing her throat to turn her attention to the stack of plates, shifting to pull them closer, to ready to bring them to the dining table. ]

She has more immediate problems on her mind, I think.

[ He realizes it's not exactly an easy question to answer. Not only because of the commitment it would take, should they even consider it. But there's also taking into account everything Inej has gone through. It would be a taxing body change and she's only recently gotten to the point where she's mostly comfortable with being dressed down around him.

And truthfully, the entire concept makes him nervous. He runs a gang and his work is dangerous. It keeps him away sometimes—that works out with just the two of them, especially as she pursues slavers to snuff them out. He doesn't want to think about the what ifs of being an absent father. Or worse: someone getting the idea they could use a child as leverage. Isn't that what he did to Rollins, after all?

His entire line of thinking stops though, when he notices the tense silence. And the way her fingers press into her arms. Carefully, he steps closer and puts his hands on her shoulders soothingly. ]

Inej? Look at me.

[ she stills at the hands on her shoulders, and inej closes her eyes for a brief moment to find her focus before she tilts her head up to look at him, blinking her eyes open with a slight frown.

it's not an apologetic expression, necessarily, though she does look a little frustrated. day in, and day out, whenever she thinks she's getting better, and that chapter of her life is gone, it rears it's ugly head when she least expects it.

so much for having a peaceful day.

she should say something. maybe explain. but the explanation hangs heavily in her throat, and instead, she just draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. ]

I'm okay.

[ in reassurance, her voice quiet. ]

[ She looks annoyed. Frustrated. Which is something he can relate to. He's made similar expressions when he's been disappointed in himself over things that were out of his control. Trauma has no on-off switch. He was violently ill after brushing the back of his hand against raw chicken, for Ghezen's sake.

Kaz can't begin to know what exactly she went through—she's still getting over her paralyzing silence about that place—but he can guess where her thoughts went. Gently, he loops his arms around her shoulders and pulls her closer. ]

Okay. [ He's not totally convinced, since she still seems tense. ] Do you want to talk about it?

[ She doesn't have to, of course. He's more than willing to distract her with something else. ]

[ he tugs her into a hug, and inej rests her forehead against his chest. and it only takes a moment before she lifts her arms to loop around him, curling her fingers into the back of his shirt as she wills herself to relax.

she never wants to talk about it, though she knows she needs to. it's like bleeding poison from a wound. and it's so degrading, and humiliating, though she knows none of it was her fault.

so she's quiet for a moment, weighing out her options, before she decides: ]

I want to talk about it later.

[ muffled, into his shirt.

she doesn't want to go into details right before a lunch with her parents. that would be catastrophic. and only result in both of them being anxious, and her parents clueless as to why. ]

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