OPEN POST 2020.

[legalized]

【my ❝CALL ME OUT❞ post】
get my ass in gear.

♛ here is my muselist. ♛ post "calling" one of them out — you can do so by putting their name in the subject line! ♛ can be informal/formal/comment spam/crosscanon/explicit/whatever tickles your fancy! ♛ feel free to make up a scenario at the start, or wait to see where things go. meme code.

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[ketterdamn]

[ It sounds like a simple thing, to ask, but he knows there's more to it. He took years to tell her the whole story of what Rollins had done. Of how him and Jordie had ended up because of it. And that hadn't even been half of what she'd gone through at Heleen's cruel hands.

Inej goes silent behind him and he moves in order to turn over and face her, shifting down so he's at the same eye level. Gently, he cups one side of her face with his hand. ]

Hey. You're here with me.

[ Talking about this, he doesn't want her straying too far into her memories. Doesn't want her to feel like she's disappearing. ]

[wraithes]

[ she’s about to just tuck her face into his back again when he rolls over, cupping her face. and inej blinks, opening her eyes to look at him before she reaches up to gently trace her fingers along his face, brushing a loose lock of hair out of his eyes. ]

I know.

[ and she does, really, as she lets her fingers rest against his arm, gently rubbing a circular pattern with her thumb, her voice quiet. ]

I’m safe with you.

[ketterdamn]

[ He likes when she does that, brush his hair away from his face. It really only happens when they're by themselves, since he typically keeps it slicked back neatly when he's doing work or out and about. ]

I know it's frustrating. [ How many times has he felt the same way? Just a half hour ago he had to step out of the bathroom entirely after he'd dried his hands off, that swell of nausea sticking to the back of his throat. ]

You've beaten her at every turn so far. [ Little by little. The fact that she can lie here next to him and be touched so easily says volumes. ]

[wraithes]

[ she watches him as he speaks, searching his expression for any hidden clues or things he isn't saying . . . but he's being quiet, honest, truthful.

and she knows, in her heart, that he's right. every single thing she's accomplished has been because she's willed herself to do it. and kaz has accepted her as she is, regardless of the difficulty. and she's done the same for him.

but it doesn't change the fact that this is something that she might not be able to change. or fight back against, or will herself through. and she supposes it's less the fact of the matter, but the idea that there's no real changing what happened to her. and the damage that it wrought.

so she watches him for a moment before she scoots herself closer, to tuck her face into his chest, letting out a long breath as she wills herself to relax. because she is safe, and protected, and loved. that's enough. or it should be. ]

[ketterdamn]

[ Somehow, he gets the feeling there's something else weighing on her, but he doesn't want to push. This doesn't seem like one of those times where he can. She's keeping it close to the chest and maybe one day she'll talk about it.

For now though, they've made a little more progress. There are things for her to think about in terms of getting answers. Whether she decides to or not. He wraps an arm around her middle, lightly running his palm down her back, soothing. ]

Alright?

[wraithes]

[ the hand along her back makes her feel more centered, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt. ]

No.

[ it's quiet, but honest, focusing on the feeling of his heartbeat. there's something else, on the tip of her tongue, but she's not even sure how to really phrase it. so inej sits with it for a moment before drawing in a breath. ]

I don't even know if I want them. Or if it would be a good idea, even if I did.

[ finally, an uncomfortable weight in her chest. this feels like such a ridiculous conversation to have, because it is so out of reach. and impossible, really. but: ]

But I want the choice.

[ she was, what, thirteen? when she was first taken advantage of. and the abuse really only escalated, from there. and heleen had micromanaged every single aspect of her body since then. and to inej's knowledge, she never really had an issue with pregnancy. whether it's because of the stressful environment, or whatever heleen forced her to take, or maybe her body just rejected it. she has no idea. and a massive part of her is grateful, really, that she never had to deal with it. inej probably would have thrown herself into the harbor if she had. ]

[ketterdamn]

[ Oh.

The pieces of their previous conversation fall into place. Whatever Heleen had made her take might've been more permanent. Might've taken away the choice entirely. He can understand why she's been so hesitant to explain what was on her mind.

And while he's thinking the same thing–he's not even sure if he wants children or if he did, how either of them would handle it–he's upset on her behalf. That there's a possibility she hadn't even had the ability to say yes or no. Not to say there aren't other options, just in case.

Still. It's one more thing Heleen's taken from her. One more scar in a line of many. Kaz holds her a little closer, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. ]

One thing at a time. Why don't you think on reaching out to Nina– if you want. There's no reason to rush.

[wraithes]

[ he holds her closer, seemingly understanding what inej had been trying to say, and she exhales, closing her eyes, soaking in the feeling of his cheek against the top of her head. ]

I will.

[ think about it, anyway. tracking down nina will likely require physically going to ravka, and require inej being away for a handful of months. it seems silly to do so just to ask a personal question.

not for the first time, she wished nina was here. in ketterdam, within arm's reach, like the rest of them. but that was not her path to walk. maybe one day.

but all of this, like kaz said, has no need to rush. it isn't as if they're actively planning this stage of their lives. and so she thinks about that for a moment, before she says, tone a tiny bit lighter than before: ]

I like my alone time with you, anyway.

[ she'll be selfish for a bit longer. ]

[ketterdamn]

[ Whatever she decides, he'll be happy to support her. But, there's definitely time to get the important questions squared away. He doesn't think either of them are ready to even think about adding onto their family.

On a more humorous note, he's pretty sure Asena would strangle him if they decided on having children before he even proposed. Not that the order really matters. It's just the principle of it. ]

What kind of alone time? [ Kaz grins, nudging the lighter mood along. ]

[wraithes]

[ she can hear the grin in his voice, and inej pulls away just enough to look at him. she looks tired, tinges of the memories still clinging to her, despite her best efforts. but she does smile, despite herself, cheek pressed into her pillow. ]

All kinds.

[ murmured, amused. ]

Maybe I like being the center of attention.

[ center of his attention, anyway. ]

[ketterdamn]

[ There's a familiar exhaustion in the lines of her eyes, bad memories having taken their toll. It makes him want to off Heleen in the most painful way possible. But that he'll leave for Inej—she deserves her revenge, in whatever form she decides.

Instead, he presses a soft kiss to her hairline and another to her forehead before pulling away, his thumb sweeping across her cheek. ]

You make it very difficult to think of anything else sometimes.

[wraithes]

[ her eyes drift close at the kiss to her forehead, the feeling of the thumb against her cheek causing them to open again. and inej reaches up to take his hand, shifting to kiss the palm of it. ]

Maybe I am your bad influence, then.

[ a bit wryly, squeezing his fingers. ]

Doing nothing but distract you all day, when you have better things to do.

[ketterdamn]

[ He gives her a small smile when she kisses his palm, mirroring the squeeze to her fingers. ]

You're always the best to do. [ Uh. Well. That's his story and he's sticking with it. ] Besides, we both know you're not the bad influence.

[ How often has she encouraged him to be a better person over these past years? Kaz has lost count. Even though he hadn't believed her for so long, thinking he was irreparably a monster. ]

[wraithes]

[ that earns a laugh, soft and mostly into her pillow, before she pushes herself up just enough to close the distance between them, to give him a soft kiss, her hand finding his cheek, thumb running over his cheekbone. ]

I do like being your good influence.

[ murmured, pressing her lips against his forehead before settling back down into the bed. ]

The best "to do" on your daily list, we'll revisit later.

[ mannerless delinquent that he is. ]

[ketterdamn]

[ Really, he loves that laugh of hers, the sound infectious. His smile widens when he hears it and he returns her kiss with his mouth still curved at the corners. ]

There's been noticeable improvement.

[ She of all people would know. Because while he's still insufferable on occasion, he's not nearly as bad as he used to be. ]

Is that a promise? [ He asks as he curls an arm around her middle, pulling her close. Definitely a mannerless delinquent. ]