timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

You are a bad influence.

[ a bit pointedly, as she begins to cut apples into slices, setting some aside on a different plate so kaz could have some at his leisure. (they're his favorite, after all.) and after she nudges that plate toward him, she resumes her chopping.

his grin is annoying, mostly because kaz knows exactly what would happen if he did such a thing, and so inej's tone is a little dry, in response. ]

And if I were you, I would come up with a better story than your own incompetence.

[ because that is exactly what that plan is, thank you. ]

She already thinks you're a delinquent.

[ and, you know, asena isn't wrong, in that regard. because kaz brekker is definitely a delinquent. ]

How bad?

[ Not that he's looking to change, really. He doubts he'll ever be a wholly good influence. It's just not in his nature at this point. There are some things he's unlearned from the Barrel but others that are ingrained in his bones.

Before he picks a slice of apple up, though, he interrupts her before she can take her hand away, pressing a grateful kiss to her fingers and then letting them go. He takes a slice and chews thoughtfully, thinking over a few options. ]

I'll think of something. Not sure how convincing it'll be for your mother—I don't know if she'll buy anything other than me proposing on the spot.

[ Which, while he has a ring, he doesn't want to do. It wouldn't feel genuine, for one. And two, he's pretty sure Inej would be mortified. No audience, that they can agree on. ]

Aren't we both?

[ the kiss to her fingers sparks a brightness in her eyes, and she gives him a fond expression before returning her focus to the apples. ]

I am a delinquent because of you, so being a bad influence goes without saying.

[ which is partially true, and inej doesn't say it in a tone as if it's a bad thing. seizing control of her own power, her own ability, and her own narrative had been just as freeing as finally shredding her debt contract. being the ghost of ketterdam has afforded her opportunities she never thought possible. and she wouldn't trade it for the world.

she does, though, make a face at the concept of being proposed to on the spot. the idea of a proposal at all feels like a fun little joke, between them, because inej genuinely doesn't think it's going to happen. ]

If you propose to me in front of a group of people, I'll say no, and leave you to deal with the aftermath.

[ as she finishes chopping another apple. ]

My mother will survive without seeing it.

A delinquent with very sharp knives.

[ He says it with the same kind of fondness. A sense of pride, too. While he'd given her the tools to change her life around, she's the one that had put the work in. Within the first year with the Dregs, she'd already been handier with a knife than him. And she'd worked hard to establish her reputation as the Wraith. As a shadow that no one would hear or see coming.

While he fusses over her coming along on trips with the Dregs, he knows she can hold her own. She usually has, excepting a few circumstances that had taken years off his life. ]

Well, can't have that. [ Wouldn't that be horrifying for them both? He'll save them the trouble.

One thing he's getting from this, though, despite her thinking it was likely to never happen, is where a good spot would be. Once her parents were gone and some time elapsed. So it didn't look like her mother put the idea in his head.

Maybe the docks at the end of Fifth harbor. They were usually quiet, with no one having reason to be around unless a ship pulled in. He chews on another apple slice in silence, the gears clearly turning.

There's another question he wants to ask, more because he's wondering if it's something they'll have to head Asena off on. But it's...strangely nerve wracking. ]

[ she rolls her eyes a little at the delinquent with knives, continuing to chop the apples to pile them into a little bowl. and once she's done and the knife is deposited into the sink, her gaze shifts to kaz, who is clearly thinking of . . . something. his mind elsewhere, not focused on the present.

so, while she pulls down some more plates and glasses for water, she asks: ]

What are you thinking about?

[ curious, as she stacks the plates to prepare to take them to the dining table. ]

[ Naturally, she knows something is on his mind. Just as he can always tell when she's working her way up to a question. Or to something important. It's the smallest shift of her brows, the relaxed curve of them going flat.

He's not sure what his face looks like, but whatever it is, she recognizes the expression. Part of him thinks he could bring this up later, but that just means he might put it off. So. Here goes nothing. ]

Do you think she'll— [ Kaz starts, mentally searching for better phrasing. The rest comes out weaker, as if he's at a loss. ] —ask about kids?

[ That's a thing, isn't it? That people usually aim for. He barely knows how he feels about it, let alone what Inej does. Aside from neither of them being ready for that kind of commitment.

If Asena's going to start asking for grandchildren, he doesn't want to be caught flat-footed. ]

[ . . . oh.

truthfully, inej herself hasn't really thought about them, past the ludicrousness of having them with the life that she was planning on leading. but now their lives have turned into something . . . well, stable. stable-ish. and she still hasn't really put much thought into the idea of children, because they really have just now mastered the art of touching.

that hasn't stopped asena from asking inej, though, and inej has always dodged it. she's young, and children are in a far-distant future. asena had been satisfied with that answer, but truthfully, inej isn't entirely sure she can. physically, mentally. whatever.

she never had to deal with it, in the menagerie. the thought of children. she had been young, when she had been bought by heleen, and heleen had ensured that none of her girls would be ruined by such things. inej couldn't even remember how many times heleen had required her to take some type of pill, or inject her with something. birth control, she now understood. or something else. heleen had never bothered to explain it, then. saints knows what heleen actually did to her, in her time there. inej has never really bothered to try and find out. too busy trying to escape than to really dwell on what occurred, there.

it takes a moment for her to realize that her fingers dug into her arms. and kaz will be able to see that for a moment, her gaze is distant, lost in some thought. but inej quickly unfolds her arms to force her hands to be at her sides. and she draws in a quick breath. get a grip, she commands herself. she hasn't fallen apart in what felt like ages, and she won't do so while her parents are around.

kaz had asked a question, hadn't he? ]

She won't.

[ with a shake of her head, clearing her throat to turn her attention to the stack of plates, shifting to pull them closer, to ready to bring them to the dining table. ]

She has more immediate problems on her mind, I think.

[ He realizes it's not exactly an easy question to answer. Not only because of the commitment it would take, should they even consider it. But there's also taking into account everything Inej has gone through. It would be a taxing body change and she's only recently gotten to the point where she's mostly comfortable with being dressed down around him.

And truthfully, the entire concept makes him nervous. He runs a gang and his work is dangerous. It keeps him away sometimes—that works out with just the two of them, especially as she pursues slavers to snuff them out. He doesn't want to think about the what ifs of being an absent father. Or worse: someone getting the idea they could use a child as leverage. Isn't that what he did to Rollins, after all?

His entire line of thinking stops though, when he notices the tense silence. And the way her fingers press into her arms. Carefully, he steps closer and puts his hands on her shoulders soothingly. ]

Inej? Look at me.

[ she stills at the hands on her shoulders, and inej closes her eyes for a brief moment to find her focus before she tilts her head up to look at him, blinking her eyes open with a slight frown.

it's not an apologetic expression, necessarily, though she does look a little frustrated. day in, and day out, whenever she thinks she's getting better, and that chapter of her life is gone, it rears it's ugly head when she least expects it.

so much for having a peaceful day.

she should say something. maybe explain. but the explanation hangs heavily in her throat, and instead, she just draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. ]

I'm okay.

[ in reassurance, her voice quiet. ]

[ She looks annoyed. Frustrated. Which is something he can relate to. He's made similar expressions when he's been disappointed in himself over things that were out of his control. Trauma has no on-off switch. He was violently ill after brushing the back of his hand against raw chicken, for Ghezen's sake.

Kaz can't begin to know what exactly she went through—she's still getting over her paralyzing silence about that place—but he can guess where her thoughts went. Gently, he loops his arms around her shoulders and pulls her closer. ]

Okay. [ He's not totally convinced, since she still seems tense. ] Do you want to talk about it?

[ She doesn't have to, of course. He's more than willing to distract her with something else. ]

[ he tugs her into a hug, and inej rests her forehead against his chest. and it only takes a moment before she lifts her arms to loop around him, curling her fingers into the back of his shirt as she wills herself to relax.

she never wants to talk about it, though she knows she needs to. it's like bleeding poison from a wound. and it's so degrading, and humiliating, though she knows none of it was her fault.

so she's quiet for a moment, weighing out her options, before she decides: ]

I want to talk about it later.

[ muffled, into his shirt.

she doesn't want to go into details right before a lunch with her parents. that would be catastrophic. and only result in both of them being anxious, and her parents clueless as to why. ]

[ Some of his anxiousness dwindles when she returns the embrace. At the very least, there's that. He knows it's bad when she can't and that's usually a sign to stop the day and just stay close. Maybe not touching her, but close. Giving her space to recover.

He presses a soft kiss to the top of her head, one of his thumbs slowly stroking along her arm, reassuring. ]

Alright. [ Now isn't the best time to launch into an emotionally heavy conversation. But if she had wanted to, he would've figured out something to say to her parents. For now, they have a little time to recover before they go back to some semblance of normalcy. ]

Your dad is probably relieved to have time to kick his feet up. Doesn't he get queasy at sea?

[ the kiss to the top of her head is soothing, and the feeling of her thumb against her arm keeps her in the present. she doesn't feel the need to disappear, the choking feeling in her throat whenever the memories get bad. it had just been unexpected; inej will come back to herself soon.

and kaz changes the subject seamlessly, to which inej grins a little into his chest, nodding slightly, though she still hasn't pulled away from the hug. ]

He does.

[ as she shifts to rest her cheek against his chest, so she can speak a little more clearly. ]

I'll probably just bring lunch up to them in a few minutes; they should be asleep, by now.

[ She seems to be coming back to herself more readily; he can feel her smile against his chest. He doesn't let her go just yet, knowing it helps to have a grounding in these instances. Despite how he loathed touch for years, he always appreciates when she runs her fingers through his hair after he's had a particular jarring episode.

It's so unlike his memories and keeps him in the present. ]

I find it hard to believe your mother is asleep when she knows she's in the same house as two heathens.

[ the comment is so ridiculous that it catches her off guard, and a laugh bubbles to the surface before she can stop it. and she tilts her head back a little, to rest her chin on his chest, to look up at him with a wry smile.

she still looks suddenly tired, but the brightness in her eyes is back. ]

I didn't tell her we share a bed yet.

[ but she's pretty sure asena put it together when she was on the tour and the guest rooms looked rather bare, in comparison to the master bedroom, which definitely has a double closet. ]

Edited 2020-08-01 00:54 (UTC)

[ Ah, there she is. He glances down at her when she tips her chin up, giving her a crooked and amused smile. ]

Warn me if you do, we should make sure she has something soft to faint on.

[ Not that Asena is an idiot. There's a high chance she's already put it together, having seen the downstairs bedroom in comparison to the ones upstairs. Those are tidy to the point of unlived in, with empty clothing bureaus and closets.

Their room, on the other hand, clearly has occupants. There's also the matter of it being on the first floor, making it easier for him to get to.

So, she's likely not bringing it up for fear of confirmation that her daughter really has been ensnared by the worst influence. Too bad neither of them feel an ounce of guilt over it. They've been sharing a bed for how many years now? It would be asinine to stop. ]

Mm, I think she might figure it out on her own, when we come out of the same area of the house for breakfast in the morning.

[ and she squeezes him around the waist once more before unlooping her arms, straightening his shirt as she pulls away just a bit. ]

I should bring them up their lunch.

[ and check on them, make sure they have what they need. ]

They might just sleep for the rest of the day; we could bring them up dinner and do something more special tomorrow.

Maybe she'll hope there's a hidden bedroom we didn't show her.

[ Either way, she'll get the picture. And she was welcome to fuss about it all she wanted, this was definitely one thing neither of them were willing to give up. It was bad enough in the months Inej would go away at sea. He's going to soak up all the time with her that he can.

Speaking of, he catches her before she totally pulls away, one hand at the small of her back as he leans down to kiss her cheek. ]

They could probably use the rest, even if your mother insists she's got the energy. [ Then again, it's quite possible Jardani has convinced her to chill out. And maybe the travel has caught up to them both. ] If they feel up to it, we can always go out later.

[ If not, there's tomorrow. It's not like they have dire plans. ] Want any help taking this up?

[ he catches her, pressing his lips against her cheek, and inej shifts to catch him in a soft kiss. brief and gentle, before she runs her hands down his sides to turn her attention to the plates. ]

I would appreciate the help.

[ warmly enough, as she covers the sliced apples with another tea towel. ]

I can bring up the jug of water separately.

[ He brings half of the lunch up while Inej takes the other half. Sure enough, her parents are dozing and Jardani is the one who wakes enough to accept the food. Asena seems out cold, the journey catching up to her.

They're left to their rest and it leaves him and Inej a quiet day in front of them. Kaz uses the time to get ahead on some paperwork—construction plans and a writ of purchase. He runs the layouts past Inej, liking her particular logic. And maybe she'll recognize the building as Rollins' old Sweet Shop. It's clearly set to be something else now, though he hasn't decided on what just yet; the plans are split between three different ideas.

As for the rest of the day, they don't end up going out. Asena herself waves off the idea and dinner ends up being a similarly quiet affair to lunch. Probably for the best, though he could tell the rest has already done them some good. A whole day of it would bring them back up to speed.

Once they've made sure her parents are settled and comfortable, they turn in for the night. Kaz takes a bit of a risk and washes Inej's hair while she takes her bath. And even gets so far as to massage her legs all the way up to her knees before he has to stop. It doesn't leave him shaking, though, just vaguely uncomfortable. By the time they've tucked into bed, he's completely forgotten the sense of discomfort, feeling much too pleasant as he gently bullies her into spooning him. ]

I'm glad your parents came to visit. [ Despite Asena's occasional antagonism. ]

[ whenever Kaz interacts with water, inej feels as if she’s holding her breath. but he had insisted, and he did remarkably well. so well that inej has nearly fallen asleep when he needed to pull away.

now, with her cheek pressed against his back and her arm draped over his waist, she feels a pull of sleepiness again, but her mind wanders. knowing she needs to talk about earlier, but not wanting to disturb their leave. [

I am too.

[ quietly, tucking her face into his back briefly. ]

I think they’ll be more up to exploring tomorrow.

We can take them through the University district.

[ It's a good place to walk. And there tended to be little shops with art and books. Or even more often—students out by the fountains, playing music or reciting their theater lines. Much more fun wholesome activities than what the Barrel was usually up to.

Not that he would even consider taking them through there. They'd seen part of it, when they first visited. That had been enough.

Settling in more comfortably, his fingers loosely circle her wrist, thumb sweeping along the tendons on the inside of it. ]

I can hear you thinking. [ Which is usually her line. Sometimes they swap. ]

[ her lips twitch at the “I can hear you thinking,” and inej tucks her face into his back, focusing on the feeling of his thumb moving against her wrist. trying to figure out how to summarize what she’s thinking about.

ultimately, it comes down to frustration. it feels like kaz has made incredible strides in conquering his own demons, but inej still struggles. and she knows, logically, rationally, that that’s not true. that she has made just as much progress. but she loathes feeling helpless. ]

I don’t want her to continue to invade my thoughts.

[ finally, shifting to rest her cheek against his back, staring at the ceiling. ]

I hate that she still does.

[ The gears are still turning, even after he feels her smile. She's gathering her thoughts, he figures, and leaves her to it, thumb still stroking the inside of her wrist. ]

She did damage. [ There's no denying that. ] You know how after a wound seals, it keeps healing?

[ It's something they both can relate to. They've had their fair share of scrapes and scratches. Some worse than others. He thinks of the one on her side, how there's still a little raised scar. The only reminder Oomen existed. ]

I know.

[ it’s murmured, because she knows he’s right. the feeling of his thumb against her wrist keeps her focused and in the present, as inej exhales slowly.

it’s hard to figure out how to word what bothered her earlier today without being blunt. and she doesn’t want to just say it. instead, inej wrestles with figuring out the overarching problem. ]

I don’t know how much damage she did. To me. Or my body.

[ after another beat of silence, cheek still resting against his back. ]

I’ve never tried to find out.

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