timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ the comment is so ridiculous that it catches her off guard, and a laugh bubbles to the surface before she can stop it. and she tilts her head back a little, to rest her chin on his chest, to look up at him with a wry smile.

she still looks suddenly tired, but the brightness in her eyes is back. ]

I didn't tell her we share a bed yet.

[ but she's pretty sure asena put it together when she was on the tour and the guest rooms looked rather bare, in comparison to the master bedroom, which definitely has a double closet. ]

Edited 2020-08-01 00:54 (UTC)

[ Ah, there she is. He glances down at her when she tips her chin up, giving her a crooked and amused smile. ]

Warn me if you do, we should make sure she has something soft to faint on.

[ Not that Asena is an idiot. There's a high chance she's already put it together, having seen the downstairs bedroom in comparison to the ones upstairs. Those are tidy to the point of unlived in, with empty clothing bureaus and closets.

Their room, on the other hand, clearly has occupants. There's also the matter of it being on the first floor, making it easier for him to get to.

So, she's likely not bringing it up for fear of confirmation that her daughter really has been ensnared by the worst influence. Too bad neither of them feel an ounce of guilt over it. They've been sharing a bed for how many years now? It would be asinine to stop. ]

Mm, I think she might figure it out on her own, when we come out of the same area of the house for breakfast in the morning.

[ and she squeezes him around the waist once more before unlooping her arms, straightening his shirt as she pulls away just a bit. ]

I should bring them up their lunch.

[ and check on them, make sure they have what they need. ]

They might just sleep for the rest of the day; we could bring them up dinner and do something more special tomorrow.

Maybe she'll hope there's a hidden bedroom we didn't show her.

[ Either way, she'll get the picture. And she was welcome to fuss about it all she wanted, this was definitely one thing neither of them were willing to give up. It was bad enough in the months Inej would go away at sea. He's going to soak up all the time with her that he can.

Speaking of, he catches her before she totally pulls away, one hand at the small of her back as he leans down to kiss her cheek. ]

They could probably use the rest, even if your mother insists she's got the energy. [ Then again, it's quite possible Jardani has convinced her to chill out. And maybe the travel has caught up to them both. ] If they feel up to it, we can always go out later.

[ If not, there's tomorrow. It's not like they have dire plans. ] Want any help taking this up?

[ he catches her, pressing his lips against her cheek, and inej shifts to catch him in a soft kiss. brief and gentle, before she runs her hands down his sides to turn her attention to the plates. ]

I would appreciate the help.

[ warmly enough, as she covers the sliced apples with another tea towel. ]

I can bring up the jug of water separately.

[ He brings half of the lunch up while Inej takes the other half. Sure enough, her parents are dozing and Jardani is the one who wakes enough to accept the food. Asena seems out cold, the journey catching up to her.

They're left to their rest and it leaves him and Inej a quiet day in front of them. Kaz uses the time to get ahead on some paperwork—construction plans and a writ of purchase. He runs the layouts past Inej, liking her particular logic. And maybe she'll recognize the building as Rollins' old Sweet Shop. It's clearly set to be something else now, though he hasn't decided on what just yet; the plans are split between three different ideas.

As for the rest of the day, they don't end up going out. Asena herself waves off the idea and dinner ends up being a similarly quiet affair to lunch. Probably for the best, though he could tell the rest has already done them some good. A whole day of it would bring them back up to speed.

Once they've made sure her parents are settled and comfortable, they turn in for the night. Kaz takes a bit of a risk and washes Inej's hair while she takes her bath. And even gets so far as to massage her legs all the way up to her knees before he has to stop. It doesn't leave him shaking, though, just vaguely uncomfortable. By the time they've tucked into bed, he's completely forgotten the sense of discomfort, feeling much too pleasant as he gently bullies her into spooning him. ]

I'm glad your parents came to visit. [ Despite Asena's occasional antagonism. ]

[ whenever Kaz interacts with water, inej feels as if she’s holding her breath. but he had insisted, and he did remarkably well. so well that inej has nearly fallen asleep when he needed to pull away.

now, with her cheek pressed against his back and her arm draped over his waist, she feels a pull of sleepiness again, but her mind wanders. knowing she needs to talk about earlier, but not wanting to disturb their leave. [

I am too.

[ quietly, tucking her face into his back briefly. ]

I think they’ll be more up to exploring tomorrow.

We can take them through the University district.

[ It's a good place to walk. And there tended to be little shops with art and books. Or even more often—students out by the fountains, playing music or reciting their theater lines. Much more fun wholesome activities than what the Barrel was usually up to.

Not that he would even consider taking them through there. They'd seen part of it, when they first visited. That had been enough.

Settling in more comfortably, his fingers loosely circle her wrist, thumb sweeping along the tendons on the inside of it. ]

I can hear you thinking. [ Which is usually her line. Sometimes they swap. ]

[ her lips twitch at the “I can hear you thinking,” and inej tucks her face into his back, focusing on the feeling of his thumb moving against her wrist. trying to figure out how to summarize what she’s thinking about.

ultimately, it comes down to frustration. it feels like kaz has made incredible strides in conquering his own demons, but inej still struggles. and she knows, logically, rationally, that that’s not true. that she has made just as much progress. but she loathes feeling helpless. ]

I don’t want her to continue to invade my thoughts.

[ finally, shifting to rest her cheek against his back, staring at the ceiling. ]

I hate that she still does.

[ The gears are still turning, even after he feels her smile. She's gathering her thoughts, he figures, and leaves her to it, thumb still stroking the inside of her wrist. ]

She did damage. [ There's no denying that. ] You know how after a wound seals, it keeps healing?

[ It's something they both can relate to. They've had their fair share of scrapes and scratches. Some worse than others. He thinks of the one on her side, how there's still a little raised scar. The only reminder Oomen existed. ]

I know.

[ it’s murmured, because she knows he’s right. the feeling of his thumb against her wrist keeps her focused and in the present, as inej exhales slowly.

it’s hard to figure out how to word what bothered her earlier today without being blunt. and she doesn’t want to just say it. instead, inej wrestles with figuring out the overarching problem. ]

I don’t know how much damage she did. To me. Or my body.

[ after another beat of silence, cheek still resting against his back. ]

I’ve never tried to find out.

[ This is where he can't relate as well. Because while they've both been fighting through their own hurdles their bodies insist on throwing up, he knows where the damage is. Usually. He hadn't had his autonomy stolen from him, though. ]

Do you want to? Would it help? [ Because there should be ways to find out. The answers might be more harrowing than not knowing though, so it's her decision. ]

I don’t know.

[ truthfully, to both questions. not knowing is probably worse, but the idea of what would need to happen for her to know is paralyzing. she can’t envision lying on a table and having someone she doesn’t know touch her. for multiple reasons.

she also isn’t sure she could do that alone, but also isn’t sure she would want kaz to be there. maybe her mother would go, but that would involve talking to her mother about all of this.

and all of this may just be pointless because children are such a foreign concept that this could be a waste of time.

she quells her thoughts, closing her eyes to focus. ]

She used to force us to take pills. Or inject us with something, if we refused to take the pills.

[ it’s murmured. ]

I wouldn’t even know what to tell a doctor if they asked what I took.

Could you ask one of the girls at the White Rose?

[ They might not be forced to take the same things, but he imagines, logically, they would have similar concerns. A brothel wouldn't be profitable if there was a constant chance one of the clientele could leave a bastard behind. Nor would the women working there want to have that possibility with strange men.

Occasionally, they do and it works out. But that's more of a conscious decision. ]

They might be able to give you an idea of what it was. Nina probably could as well, if you can reach her.

[ she’s quiet, as she mulls it over. asking the girls at the white rose makes more sense, but she balks at the idea of asking. Nina, though ... ]

Maybe Nina.

[ finally, her voice soft. who knows when that could be, but nina understood heleen. and knew her. she would understand Inej’s questions without prying for details.

still, it causes a heaviness in her chest. she truthfully hasn’t thought about her time in the menagerie in awhile, or at least, not specific memories. memories where she can hear her voice and feel her manicured nails pressing against her face as she grabbed Inej’s chin to force her to pay attention.

wherever she is, inej hopes she rots. ]

[ It sounds like a simple thing, to ask, but he knows there's more to it. He took years to tell her the whole story of what Rollins had done. Of how him and Jordie had ended up because of it. And that hadn't even been half of what she'd gone through at Heleen's cruel hands.

Inej goes silent behind him and he moves in order to turn over and face her, shifting down so he's at the same eye level. Gently, he cups one side of her face with his hand. ]

Hey. You're here with me.

[ Talking about this, he doesn't want her straying too far into her memories. Doesn't want her to feel like she's disappearing. ]

[ she’s about to just tuck her face into his back again when he rolls over, cupping her face. and inej blinks, opening her eyes to look at him before she reaches up to gently trace her fingers along his face, brushing a loose lock of hair out of his eyes. ]

I know.

[ and she does, really, as she lets her fingers rest against his arm, gently rubbing a circular pattern with her thumb, her voice quiet. ]

I’m safe with you.

[ He likes when she does that, brush his hair away from his face. It really only happens when they're by themselves, since he typically keeps it slicked back neatly when he's doing work or out and about. ]

I know it's frustrating. [ How many times has he felt the same way? Just a half hour ago he had to step out of the bathroom entirely after he'd dried his hands off, that swell of nausea sticking to the back of his throat. ]

You've beaten her at every turn so far. [ Little by little. The fact that she can lie here next to him and be touched so easily says volumes. ]

[ she watches him as he speaks, searching his expression for any hidden clues or things he isn't saying . . . but he's being quiet, honest, truthful.

and she knows, in her heart, that he's right. every single thing she's accomplished has been because she's willed herself to do it. and kaz has accepted her as she is, regardless of the difficulty. and she's done the same for him.

but it doesn't change the fact that this is something that she might not be able to change. or fight back against, or will herself through. and she supposes it's less the fact of the matter, but the idea that there's no real changing what happened to her. and the damage that it wrought.

so she watches him for a moment before she scoots herself closer, to tuck her face into his chest, letting out a long breath as she wills herself to relax. because she is safe, and protected, and loved. that's enough. or it should be. ]

[ Somehow, he gets the feeling there's something else weighing on her, but he doesn't want to push. This doesn't seem like one of those times where he can. She's keeping it close to the chest and maybe one day she'll talk about it.

For now though, they've made a little more progress. There are things for her to think about in terms of getting answers. Whether she decides to or not. He wraps an arm around her middle, lightly running his palm down her back, soothing. ]

Alright?

[ the hand along her back makes her feel more centered, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt. ]

No.

[ it's quiet, but honest, focusing on the feeling of his heartbeat. there's something else, on the tip of her tongue, but she's not even sure how to really phrase it. so inej sits with it for a moment before drawing in a breath. ]

I don't even know if I want them. Or if it would be a good idea, even if I did.

[ finally, an uncomfortable weight in her chest. this feels like such a ridiculous conversation to have, because it is so out of reach. and impossible, really. but: ]

But I want the choice.

[ she was, what, thirteen? when she was first taken advantage of. and the abuse really only escalated, from there. and heleen had micromanaged every single aspect of her body since then. and to inej's knowledge, she never really had an issue with pregnancy. whether it's because of the stressful environment, or whatever heleen forced her to take, or maybe her body just rejected it. she has no idea. and a massive part of her is grateful, really, that she never had to deal with it. inej probably would have thrown herself into the harbor if she had. ]

[ Oh.

The pieces of their previous conversation fall into place. Whatever Heleen had made her take might've been more permanent. Might've taken away the choice entirely. He can understand why she's been so hesitant to explain what was on her mind.

And while he's thinking the same thing–he's not even sure if he wants children or if he did, how either of them would handle it–he's upset on her behalf. That there's a possibility she hadn't even had the ability to say yes or no. Not to say there aren't other options, just in case.

Still. It's one more thing Heleen's taken from her. One more scar in a line of many. Kaz holds her a little closer, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. ]

One thing at a time. Why don't you think on reaching out to Nina– if you want. There's no reason to rush.

[ he holds her closer, seemingly understanding what inej had been trying to say, and she exhales, closing her eyes, soaking in the feeling of his cheek against the top of her head. ]

I will.

[ think about it, anyway. tracking down nina will likely require physically going to ravka, and require inej being away for a handful of months. it seems silly to do so just to ask a personal question.

not for the first time, she wished nina was here. in ketterdam, within arm's reach, like the rest of them. but that was not her path to walk. maybe one day.

but all of this, like kaz said, has no need to rush. it isn't as if they're actively planning this stage of their lives. and so she thinks about that for a moment, before she says, tone a tiny bit lighter than before: ]

I like my alone time with you, anyway.

[ she'll be selfish for a bit longer. ]

[ Whatever she decides, he'll be happy to support her. But, there's definitely time to get the important questions squared away. He doesn't think either of them are ready to even think about adding onto their family.

On a more humorous note, he's pretty sure Asena would strangle him if they decided on having children before he even proposed. Not that the order really matters. It's just the principle of it. ]

What kind of alone time? [ Kaz grins, nudging the lighter mood along. ]

[ she can hear the grin in his voice, and inej pulls away just enough to look at him. she looks tired, tinges of the memories still clinging to her, despite her best efforts. but she does smile, despite herself, cheek pressed into her pillow. ]

All kinds.

[ murmured, amused. ]

Maybe I like being the center of attention.

[ center of his attention, anyway. ]

OPEN POST 2020.

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