timewasting | OPEN POST 2020.

[ her lips twitch at the “I can hear you thinking,” and inej tucks her face into his back, focusing on the feeling of his thumb moving against her wrist. trying to figure out how to summarize what she’s thinking about.

ultimately, it comes down to frustration. it feels like kaz has made incredible strides in conquering his own demons, but inej still struggles. and she knows, logically, rationally, that that’s not true. that she has made just as much progress. but she loathes feeling helpless. ]

I don’t want her to continue to invade my thoughts.

[ finally, shifting to rest her cheek against his back, staring at the ceiling. ]

I hate that she still does.

[ The gears are still turning, even after he feels her smile. She's gathering her thoughts, he figures, and leaves her to it, thumb still stroking the inside of her wrist. ]

She did damage. [ There's no denying that. ] You know how after a wound seals, it keeps healing?

[ It's something they both can relate to. They've had their fair share of scrapes and scratches. Some worse than others. He thinks of the one on her side, how there's still a little raised scar. The only reminder Oomen existed. ]

I know.

[ it’s murmured, because she knows he’s right. the feeling of his thumb against her wrist keeps her focused and in the present, as inej exhales slowly.

it’s hard to figure out how to word what bothered her earlier today without being blunt. and she doesn’t want to just say it. instead, inej wrestles with figuring out the overarching problem. ]

I don’t know how much damage she did. To me. Or my body.

[ after another beat of silence, cheek still resting against his back. ]

I’ve never tried to find out.

[ This is where he can't relate as well. Because while they've both been fighting through their own hurdles their bodies insist on throwing up, he knows where the damage is. Usually. He hadn't had his autonomy stolen from him, though. ]

Do you want to? Would it help? [ Because there should be ways to find out. The answers might be more harrowing than not knowing though, so it's her decision. ]

I don’t know.

[ truthfully, to both questions. not knowing is probably worse, but the idea of what would need to happen for her to know is paralyzing. she can’t envision lying on a table and having someone she doesn’t know touch her. for multiple reasons.

she also isn’t sure she could do that alone, but also isn’t sure she would want kaz to be there. maybe her mother would go, but that would involve talking to her mother about all of this.

and all of this may just be pointless because children are such a foreign concept that this could be a waste of time.

she quells her thoughts, closing her eyes to focus. ]

She used to force us to take pills. Or inject us with something, if we refused to take the pills.

[ it’s murmured. ]

I wouldn’t even know what to tell a doctor if they asked what I took.

Could you ask one of the girls at the White Rose?

[ They might not be forced to take the same things, but he imagines, logically, they would have similar concerns. A brothel wouldn't be profitable if there was a constant chance one of the clientele could leave a bastard behind. Nor would the women working there want to have that possibility with strange men.

Occasionally, they do and it works out. But that's more of a conscious decision. ]

They might be able to give you an idea of what it was. Nina probably could as well, if you can reach her.

[ she’s quiet, as she mulls it over. asking the girls at the white rose makes more sense, but she balks at the idea of asking. Nina, though ... ]

Maybe Nina.

[ finally, her voice soft. who knows when that could be, but nina understood heleen. and knew her. she would understand Inej’s questions without prying for details.

still, it causes a heaviness in her chest. she truthfully hasn’t thought about her time in the menagerie in awhile, or at least, not specific memories. memories where she can hear her voice and feel her manicured nails pressing against her face as she grabbed Inej’s chin to force her to pay attention.

wherever she is, inej hopes she rots. ]

[ It sounds like a simple thing, to ask, but he knows there's more to it. He took years to tell her the whole story of what Rollins had done. Of how him and Jordie had ended up because of it. And that hadn't even been half of what she'd gone through at Heleen's cruel hands.

Inej goes silent behind him and he moves in order to turn over and face her, shifting down so he's at the same eye level. Gently, he cups one side of her face with his hand. ]

Hey. You're here with me.

[ Talking about this, he doesn't want her straying too far into her memories. Doesn't want her to feel like she's disappearing. ]

[ she’s about to just tuck her face into his back again when he rolls over, cupping her face. and inej blinks, opening her eyes to look at him before she reaches up to gently trace her fingers along his face, brushing a loose lock of hair out of his eyes. ]

I know.

[ and she does, really, as she lets her fingers rest against his arm, gently rubbing a circular pattern with her thumb, her voice quiet. ]

I’m safe with you.

[ He likes when she does that, brush his hair away from his face. It really only happens when they're by themselves, since he typically keeps it slicked back neatly when he's doing work or out and about. ]

I know it's frustrating. [ How many times has he felt the same way? Just a half hour ago he had to step out of the bathroom entirely after he'd dried his hands off, that swell of nausea sticking to the back of his throat. ]

You've beaten her at every turn so far. [ Little by little. The fact that she can lie here next to him and be touched so easily says volumes. ]

[ she watches him as he speaks, searching his expression for any hidden clues or things he isn't saying . . . but he's being quiet, honest, truthful.

and she knows, in her heart, that he's right. every single thing she's accomplished has been because she's willed herself to do it. and kaz has accepted her as she is, regardless of the difficulty. and she's done the same for him.

but it doesn't change the fact that this is something that she might not be able to change. or fight back against, or will herself through. and she supposes it's less the fact of the matter, but the idea that there's no real changing what happened to her. and the damage that it wrought.

so she watches him for a moment before she scoots herself closer, to tuck her face into his chest, letting out a long breath as she wills herself to relax. because she is safe, and protected, and loved. that's enough. or it should be. ]

[ Somehow, he gets the feeling there's something else weighing on her, but he doesn't want to push. This doesn't seem like one of those times where he can. She's keeping it close to the chest and maybe one day she'll talk about it.

For now though, they've made a little more progress. There are things for her to think about in terms of getting answers. Whether she decides to or not. He wraps an arm around her middle, lightly running his palm down her back, soothing. ]

Alright?

[ the hand along her back makes her feel more centered, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt. ]

No.

[ it's quiet, but honest, focusing on the feeling of his heartbeat. there's something else, on the tip of her tongue, but she's not even sure how to really phrase it. so inej sits with it for a moment before drawing in a breath. ]

I don't even know if I want them. Or if it would be a good idea, even if I did.

[ finally, an uncomfortable weight in her chest. this feels like such a ridiculous conversation to have, because it is so out of reach. and impossible, really. but: ]

But I want the choice.

[ she was, what, thirteen? when she was first taken advantage of. and the abuse really only escalated, from there. and heleen had micromanaged every single aspect of her body since then. and to inej's knowledge, she never really had an issue with pregnancy. whether it's because of the stressful environment, or whatever heleen forced her to take, or maybe her body just rejected it. she has no idea. and a massive part of her is grateful, really, that she never had to deal with it. inej probably would have thrown herself into the harbor if she had. ]

[ Oh.

The pieces of their previous conversation fall into place. Whatever Heleen had made her take might've been more permanent. Might've taken away the choice entirely. He can understand why she's been so hesitant to explain what was on her mind.

And while he's thinking the same thing–he's not even sure if he wants children or if he did, how either of them would handle it–he's upset on her behalf. That there's a possibility she hadn't even had the ability to say yes or no. Not to say there aren't other options, just in case.

Still. It's one more thing Heleen's taken from her. One more scar in a line of many. Kaz holds her a little closer, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. ]

One thing at a time. Why don't you think on reaching out to Nina– if you want. There's no reason to rush.

[ he holds her closer, seemingly understanding what inej had been trying to say, and she exhales, closing her eyes, soaking in the feeling of his cheek against the top of her head. ]

I will.

[ think about it, anyway. tracking down nina will likely require physically going to ravka, and require inej being away for a handful of months. it seems silly to do so just to ask a personal question.

not for the first time, she wished nina was here. in ketterdam, within arm's reach, like the rest of them. but that was not her path to walk. maybe one day.

but all of this, like kaz said, has no need to rush. it isn't as if they're actively planning this stage of their lives. and so she thinks about that for a moment, before she says, tone a tiny bit lighter than before: ]

I like my alone time with you, anyway.

[ she'll be selfish for a bit longer. ]

[ Whatever she decides, he'll be happy to support her. But, there's definitely time to get the important questions squared away. He doesn't think either of them are ready to even think about adding onto their family.

On a more humorous note, he's pretty sure Asena would strangle him if they decided on having children before he even proposed. Not that the order really matters. It's just the principle of it. ]

What kind of alone time? [ Kaz grins, nudging the lighter mood along. ]

[ she can hear the grin in his voice, and inej pulls away just enough to look at him. she looks tired, tinges of the memories still clinging to her, despite her best efforts. but she does smile, despite herself, cheek pressed into her pillow. ]

All kinds.

[ murmured, amused. ]

Maybe I like being the center of attention.

[ center of his attention, anyway. ]

[ There's a familiar exhaustion in the lines of her eyes, bad memories having taken their toll. It makes him want to off Heleen in the most painful way possible. But that he'll leave for Inej—she deserves her revenge, in whatever form she decides.

Instead, he presses a soft kiss to her hairline and another to her forehead before pulling away, his thumb sweeping across her cheek. ]

You make it very difficult to think of anything else sometimes.

[ her eyes drift close at the kiss to her forehead, the feeling of the thumb against her cheek causing them to open again. and inej reaches up to take his hand, shifting to kiss the palm of it. ]

Maybe I am your bad influence, then.

[ a bit wryly, squeezing his fingers. ]

Doing nothing but distract you all day, when you have better things to do.

[ He gives her a small smile when she kisses his palm, mirroring the squeeze to her fingers. ]

You're always the best to do. [ Uh. Well. That's his story and he's sticking with it. ] Besides, we both know you're not the bad influence.

[ How often has she encouraged him to be a better person over these past years? Kaz has lost count. Even though he hadn't believed her for so long, thinking he was irreparably a monster. ]

[ that earns a laugh, soft and mostly into her pillow, before she pushes herself up just enough to close the distance between them, to give him a soft kiss, her hand finding his cheek, thumb running over his cheekbone. ]

I do like being your good influence.

[ murmured, pressing her lips against his forehead before settling back down into the bed. ]

The best "to do" on your daily list, we'll revisit later.

[ mannerless delinquent that he is. ]

[ Really, he loves that laugh of hers, the sound infectious. His smile widens when he hears it and he returns her kiss with his mouth still curved at the corners. ]

There's been noticeable improvement.

[ She of all people would know. Because while he's still insufferable on occasion, he's not nearly as bad as he used to be. ]

Is that a promise? [ He asks as he curls an arm around her middle, pulling her close. Definitely a mannerless delinquent. ]

OPEN POST 2020.

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