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[ The air is heavy after he repeats that he'll stay. Tension draws out, syrupy between the two of them. They've had it out before, with things like this, but there's usually been a compromise. Or she'll drop it. Or he'll have some place to be.
This time is different, all their jagged edges dragging against each other. When she starts off, her voice is quiet but it fills the room. He feels—nothing, at first. Surprise, faintly.
But she keeps going and his ears feel like they're ringing, shame and grief and anger rising up like a tide, ready to pull him under. Here's the other shoe drop he's been holding his breath on. The one where she's finally figured out she's better than him in every regard. Better and deserving of so much more. The past couple years have been hurtling towards this, despite him warning her of what he was.
He's surprised to find out how much it stings. But if this is what it takes to let her go, then maybe it's worth it. ]
Don't. [ It comes out rougher than he intends, as he pushes himself up out of the chair. She really needs to not be moving about so early. And he needs to not be here, as she clearly is intent on being out of his space. Being closer to the door and less injured, he makes it there before her, even with his hobble. He pauses by the doorway, thoughts jumbled.
Her questions, though, deserve some answer. ]
I didn't save you for the contract or the job.
This time is different, all their jagged edges dragging against each other. When she starts off, her voice is quiet but it fills the room. He feels—nothing, at first. Surprise, faintly.
But she keeps going and his ears feel like they're ringing, shame and grief and anger rising up like a tide, ready to pull him under. Here's the other shoe drop he's been holding his breath on. The one where she's finally figured out she's better than him in every regard. Better and deserving of so much more. The past couple years have been hurtling towards this, despite him warning her of what he was.
He's surprised to find out how much it stings. But if this is what it takes to let her go, then maybe it's worth it. ]
Don't. [ It comes out rougher than he intends, as he pushes himself up out of the chair. She really needs to not be moving about so early. And he needs to not be here, as she clearly is intent on being out of his space. Being closer to the door and less injured, he makes it there before her, even with his hobble. He pauses by the doorway, thoughts jumbled.
Her questions, though, deserve some answer. ]
I didn't save you for the contract or the job.
[ oh, he is truly deciding to test her today, in standing between her and the doorway. she is about to whip around to make good on her promise to remove his teeth when he decides to continue. and says . . . really, nothing useful at all. ]
Then tell me why you did.
[ she says, her tone clipped, her arms wrapping around her middle again. refusing to back down, or return to the bed, feet finding balance on the slightly swaying ship floor. her vision is starting to blur a bit at the edges, but inej continues to talk, fingers digging into her side a little.
the pain causes her vision to clear, just a bit. ]
Because I would rather you have left me on the dock to die than live another day being treated as a pile of kruge waiting to be earned.
Then tell me why you did.
[ she says, her tone clipped, her arms wrapping around her middle again. refusing to back down, or return to the bed, feet finding balance on the slightly swaying ship floor. her vision is starting to blur a bit at the edges, but inej continues to talk, fingers digging into her side a little.
the pain causes her vision to clear, just a bit. ]
Because I would rather you have left me on the dock to die than live another day being treated as a pile of kruge waiting to be earned.
[ Because I can't stand the thought of you dead hovers at the back of his throat. He hates it as much as he doesn't want to let it go. Doesn't want to let her go. And he's sure, even with all of the anger that had burned its way to the surface, that the rest had seen it. That desperate panic as he carried Inej onto the ship, feeling both heavy and far too light.
No amount of murder or fleecing of pigeons could stop it from showing on his face. That stupid boy that drowned in the harbor had floated to the surface and he hadn't the mind to push it away.
So, he could let it spill out. But he can't. He names other good reasons instead: ]
I want you to find your family again. To do this last job and pay off that contract, be free to do whatever you want, whenever. To finally give Tante Heleen what she's due.
[ No one else should be allowed to. ]
No amount of murder or fleecing of pigeons could stop it from showing on his face. That stupid boy that drowned in the harbor had floated to the surface and he hadn't the mind to push it away.
So, he could let it spill out. But he can't. He names other good reasons instead: ]
I want you to find your family again. To do this last job and pay off that contract, be free to do whatever you want, whenever. To finally give Tante Heleen what she's due.
[ No one else should be allowed to. ]
[ her brow furrows slightly, at his response. an improvement, obviously, over what he had been saying over the last two days. the mention of her family causes what feels like cold fingers to curl around her heart; her father and mother, who probably think she is long since dead. or worse.
but he is still hiding something. inej is fairly certain she knows what it is, the unbelievable emotionally inept moron not wanting to string the two obvious points together, for what? fear? his stupid image falling apart? ]
'Per Haskell runs the Dregs.'
[ it's said quietly, but there is still a cold edge to her tone, as she stares at him, an arm still looped around her middle, her other hand finding the bed so she can have an additional point of stability to hold herself up. ]
Do you know how often I held my breath, whenever some vile monster rented me for the evening, wishing they would just not speak? I had a plan to jump off the roof, rather than be taken and bound to some disgusting man who couldn't keep his hands to himself.
[ saints, she feels tired. but for once, she wants to keep talking, because if kaz brekker was going to deny her honesty, then she certainly wasn't going to deny herself the same. ]
And then you showed up. And you said it. And I thought that maybe I would have the ounce of kindness that I was owed. And I have said nothing because if someone was going to love me, they were going to do so free of obligation. And you told me I was nothing more than an investment.
[ the word catches in her throat, and she draws in a shuddered breath before sinking down to sit on the floor, to rest her back against the bed, closing her eyes to focus on taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
now her side and her head hurt. ]
Just go.
[ she murmurs, aggravated as she tugs her shirt up a bit to look at her bandages, to ensure they haven't bled through. ]
I have been humiliated enough by Oomen to suffer through it twice with you.
but he is still hiding something. inej is fairly certain she knows what it is, the unbelievable emotionally inept moron not wanting to string the two obvious points together, for what? fear? his stupid image falling apart? ]
'Per Haskell runs the Dregs.'
[ it's said quietly, but there is still a cold edge to her tone, as she stares at him, an arm still looped around her middle, her other hand finding the bed so she can have an additional point of stability to hold herself up. ]
Do you know how often I held my breath, whenever some vile monster rented me for the evening, wishing they would just not speak? I had a plan to jump off the roof, rather than be taken and bound to some disgusting man who couldn't keep his hands to himself.
[ saints, she feels tired. but for once, she wants to keep talking, because if kaz brekker was going to deny her honesty, then she certainly wasn't going to deny herself the same. ]
And then you showed up. And you said it. And I thought that maybe I would have the ounce of kindness that I was owed. And I have said nothing because if someone was going to love me, they were going to do so free of obligation. And you told me I was nothing more than an investment.
[ the word catches in her throat, and she draws in a shuddered breath before sinking down to sit on the floor, to rest her back against the bed, closing her eyes to focus on taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
now her side and her head hurt. ]
Just go.
[ she murmurs, aggravated as she tugs her shirt up a bit to look at her bandages, to ensure they haven't bled through. ]
I have been humiliated enough by Oomen to suffer through it twice with you.
[ There's an answer to this. A solution, if it could be called that. It's sitting, expectant, at the back of his mind. Like a deck of cards face down, waiting for the first one to be slid from the top.
He knows what's under there, especially as she says the words that are undoubtedly scrawled across her wrist. But just like the truth laid bare paralyzes him, so does that answer. How does he tell her about the fear? About the shame that's always one glove away from bubbling to the surface?
Or about how even though he knows she's capable, that he can't bear the idea of losing her. Losing it all, again. He can't let himself even hope for it, not like he'd done with Jordie. When he'd been young and stupid, believing his older brother, believing Jakob Hertzoon.
And yet, isn't this self-fulfilling? He'd called her an investment, whittling down her entire person to a tool, a contract to be paid and nothing more. That alone is pushing her away and he has no one to blame but himself. It should make him happy, that he's set fire to this bridge. That'll just make it easier for them both when she inevitably leaves. ]
I can't be that for you.
[ The words are ash in his mouth, but it's the closest approximation of the truth. Damn the script on their wrists; it means nothing. It's a mistake. She wants someone who's willing to bare part of themselves, someone who can easily say she's a person they care about.
It's dark but his expression shutters as much as hers. ]
I'll send Nina down. [ He leaves her alone, feeling hollowed out. ]
He knows what's under there, especially as she says the words that are undoubtedly scrawled across her wrist. But just like the truth laid bare paralyzes him, so does that answer. How does he tell her about the fear? About the shame that's always one glove away from bubbling to the surface?
Or about how even though he knows she's capable, that he can't bear the idea of losing her. Losing it all, again. He can't let himself even hope for it, not like he'd done with Jordie. When he'd been young and stupid, believing his older brother, believing Jakob Hertzoon.
And yet, isn't this self-fulfilling? He'd called her an investment, whittling down her entire person to a tool, a contract to be paid and nothing more. That alone is pushing her away and he has no one to blame but himself. It should make him happy, that he's set fire to this bridge. That'll just make it easier for them both when she inevitably leaves. ]
I can't be that for you.
[ The words are ash in his mouth, but it's the closest approximation of the truth. Damn the script on their wrists; it means nothing. It's a mistake. She wants someone who's willing to bare part of themselves, someone who can easily say she's a person they care about.
It's dark but his expression shutters as much as hers. ]
I'll send Nina down. [ He leaves her alone, feeling hollowed out. ]
[ she remains seated on the floor, letting his words wash over her with a heavy weight in her chest. and she is silent and still, until nina comes down and immediately asks what she's doing out of bed. after inej (somewhat predictably, she is sure) doesn't answer the question, she does quietly tell nina that she doesn't think she can stand. and so nina has to go and fetch jesper to lift her up to get back into bed in the first place, something that inej loathes.
she does allow jesper to hug her, though, once she's seated back on the bed, though she doesn't return it. it feels good, but it sparks an odd weight in her throat that she hasn't felt in some time.
it isn't until jesper leaves nina to check her wound that inej realizes she wants to cry.
she manages to keep it together, though comes perilously close when nina demands of her how kaz could just leave her on the floor and not help him up herself. part of her almost makes an excuse for him, but inej chooses to remain quiet instead, as nina checks her wound and carefully mends what has tore a bit free, rebandaging the wound and ordering her back to bed. she's tucked back in, with nina gently brushing back her hair. the motion is soothing enough that she's lulled to sleep.
hours later, inej wakes up to nina asleep in a makeshift cot in the corner, with no sign of kaz. she feels hazy, still, but slightly better, after the food and water nina forced her to take in. so she pushes herself up onto her feet, silently padding out of the room in her bare feet to make her way to the deck.
the spray of the sea feels . . . invigorating, and she takes a moment to draw in a deep breath. she should go back and find her shoes, but the effort feels like too much. so instead she carefully makes her way across the deck, until she sees a familiar silhouette by a stack of rope.
part of her wants to turn around and ignore him. but the other part of her decides to move forward, to silently sit herself on top of a pile of rope, looping her arms around her middle. she doesn't bother announcing her presence; kaz always knows when she's around.
instead: ]
You still need to apologize.
[ as she turns her gaze to the water, murky in the darkness. ]
she does allow jesper to hug her, though, once she's seated back on the bed, though she doesn't return it. it feels good, but it sparks an odd weight in her throat that she hasn't felt in some time.
it isn't until jesper leaves nina to check her wound that inej realizes she wants to cry.
she manages to keep it together, though comes perilously close when nina demands of her how kaz could just leave her on the floor and not help him up herself. part of her almost makes an excuse for him, but inej chooses to remain quiet instead, as nina checks her wound and carefully mends what has tore a bit free, rebandaging the wound and ordering her back to bed. she's tucked back in, with nina gently brushing back her hair. the motion is soothing enough that she's lulled to sleep.
hours later, inej wakes up to nina asleep in a makeshift cot in the corner, with no sign of kaz. she feels hazy, still, but slightly better, after the food and water nina forced her to take in. so she pushes herself up onto her feet, silently padding out of the room in her bare feet to make her way to the deck.
the spray of the sea feels . . . invigorating, and she takes a moment to draw in a deep breath. she should go back and find her shoes, but the effort feels like too much. so instead she carefully makes her way across the deck, until she sees a familiar silhouette by a stack of rope.
part of her wants to turn around and ignore him. but the other part of her decides to move forward, to silently sit herself on top of a pile of rope, looping her arms around her middle. she doesn't bother announcing her presence; kaz always knows when she's around.
instead: ]
You still need to apologize.
[ as she turns her gaze to the water, murky in the darkness. ]
[ Realistically, he should be thinking about the plan. Fjerda and its impenetrable Ice Court are only a handful of days away and he has to make sure every piece is committed to memory. Matthias had gone over the floor plan earlier, pointing out the layers so they could label them on the map. Wylan has been hard at work drafting up sketches of the gate mechanisms, drawings Kaz wants to remember just in case.
And really, it's not like he hasn't been working on the plan. He's been disseminating information to the group, divvying out who was going where at what times. It's just—when he isn't and he's left to his own devices, his mind is in complete disarray. It loops around and around to Inej's words, to the choking fear, to the sheer idiocy for leaving her to sit on the floor.
He's staring out at the ocean, the water dark and relatively calm. On some level, it makes him want to scream. Why should it be so placid when he feels the way he does? Like she'd driven one of her daggers straight into the softest parts and now they threatened to bleed all over.
Get a grip. He can't fall apart, not with everything that's at stake. This job will set them all free in some manner. Jesper from his debts, Inej from her contract, Nina and Matthias from the mistake that had put him in Hellgate. And for him, it put him several steps closer to ending Pekka Rollins for good. To burying him, like he hadn't been able to for Jordie.
Hands clenched on the ship ledge, he bows his head, staring at the way the lamp light flickers across the leather. There's an itch, then, between his shoulder blades. The one that tells him Inej is nearby, bringing her silence with her. ]
"I can help you." [ The first words she'd ever said, imprinted on his skin. He's tried denying it, thinking it could be the dozens of people who have said the same. Somehow, he knew that wasn't the case and she'd confirmed it. ]
You've never been just an investment.
And really, it's not like he hasn't been working on the plan. He's been disseminating information to the group, divvying out who was going where at what times. It's just—when he isn't and he's left to his own devices, his mind is in complete disarray. It loops around and around to Inej's words, to the choking fear, to the sheer idiocy for leaving her to sit on the floor.
He's staring out at the ocean, the water dark and relatively calm. On some level, it makes him want to scream. Why should it be so placid when he feels the way he does? Like she'd driven one of her daggers straight into the softest parts and now they threatened to bleed all over.
Get a grip. He can't fall apart, not with everything that's at stake. This job will set them all free in some manner. Jesper from his debts, Inej from her contract, Nina and Matthias from the mistake that had put him in Hellgate. And for him, it put him several steps closer to ending Pekka Rollins for good. To burying him, like he hadn't been able to for Jordie.
Hands clenched on the ship ledge, he bows his head, staring at the way the lamp light flickers across the leather. There's an itch, then, between his shoulder blades. The one that tells him Inej is nearby, bringing her silence with her. ]
"I can help you." [ The first words she'd ever said, imprinted on his skin. He's tried denying it, thinking it could be the dozens of people who have said the same. Somehow, he knew that wasn't the case and she'd confirmed it. ]
You've never been just an investment.
[ the words mollify her frustration, a little bit. at least acknowledging the truth is a start.
but only just, as her eyes flicker toward him, the corner of her mouth tugs downward into a frown. ]
I can help you.
[ she repeats, though the tone is different - an offer, maybe? it's quiet, almost gentle -- until she adds: ]
An apology usually has the word 'sorry' in it.
but only just, as her eyes flicker toward him, the corner of her mouth tugs downward into a frown. ]
I can help you.
[ she repeats, though the tone is different - an offer, maybe? it's quiet, almost gentle -- until she adds: ]
An apology usually has the word 'sorry' in it.
[ He can feel her weighing the words, deciding just what to do with them. They're not sufficient, not for all he's dragged her through. For every time he's insinuated or flat out said there was anyone else who could replace her.
Because there isn't. It's that simple. ]
I didn't— [ Didn't what? Mean to make her feel like she was something to be used? The intent hardly matters. ]
Sorry.
[ It comes out low, head still tipped down, as though he's testing the words first. Then he straightens, turning his gaze to hers. ] I'm sorry.
Because there isn't. It's that simple. ]
I didn't— [ Didn't what? Mean to make her feel like she was something to be used? The intent hardly matters. ]
Sorry.
[ It comes out low, head still tipped down, as though he's testing the words first. Then he straightens, turning his gaze to hers. ] I'm sorry.
[ the words have an immediate effect, the tension releasing from her shoulders a tad. she looks ridiculous, she's certain - an ill-fitting shirt, her hair down and ruffled by the wind, with no shoes and a bandaged midsection.
but kaz brekker had just apologized to her, so inej imagines that makes her the scariest thing in the barrel. probably, anyway. ]
If you ever call me something like that again, you will join Oomen at the bottom of the sea.
[ it's said crisply, jawline set - she doesn't say whether she accepts the apology or not, because it really does not matter. he had apologized; whether she accepts it depends on him, not her.
but once she says that, she leans her back against the pile of ropes she's half-perched on, tone shifting from firm to one of mild exasperation. ]
You did not need to remove his eye.
[ she would not disclose her source.
it was jesper. ]
but kaz brekker had just apologized to her, so inej imagines that makes her the scariest thing in the barrel. probably, anyway. ]
If you ever call me something like that again, you will join Oomen at the bottom of the sea.
[ it's said crisply, jawline set - she doesn't say whether she accepts the apology or not, because it really does not matter. he had apologized; whether she accepts it depends on him, not her.
but once she says that, she leans her back against the pile of ropes she's half-perched on, tone shifting from firm to one of mild exasperation. ]
You did not need to remove his eye.
[ she would not disclose her source.
[ Honestly, he doesn't doubt it. Inej was small, smaller than most everyone, but she was still the Wraith. Which probably made her the only person in the Barrel that could truly off him, if she really wanted to.
He's not sure it would be a bad way to go.
So he doesn't object, just lets the words sink in. Though he does have an argument for what he'd done to Oomen. Something he knew would make it to her eventually. ]
He stabbed you and gloated about it. [ There was no way he could've let that go. ]
He's not sure it would be a bad way to go.
So he doesn't object, just lets the words sink in. Though he does have an argument for what he'd done to Oomen. Something he knew would make it to her eventually. ]
He stabbed you and gloated about it. [ There was no way he could've let that go. ]
[ ah. jesper had left the second part out. she supposes that makes a bit more sense, though she still clicks her tongue in disapproval as she turns to look at the water. still unnecessary, and foolish, considering oomen could have just been pitched overboard.
she does, notably, let it go.
instead, she exhales slowly. ]
You are wrong, about not being able to give me "that."
[ she says after a moment of thought, fingers gently rubbing her bandages. the cold feels so good on her skin. the chill of feeling alive, versus the chill of death. ]
And you are also assuming what "that" means to me.
she does, notably, let it go.
instead, she exhales slowly. ]
You are wrong, about not being able to give me "that."
[ she says after a moment of thought, fingers gently rubbing her bandages. the cold feels so good on her skin. the chill of feeling alive, versus the chill of death. ]
And you are also assuming what "that" means to me.
[ Really, he's not so sure, even if she is. In comparison, he feels emotionally unavailable—after all, how much had he hurt her with his words up until this point. Some had been on purpose. The rest, done with callous obliviousness.
How much more could she stand? A person's patience only ran so far and he'd clearly reached the end of hers in that room belowdecks. ]
What did you think I meant? [ Because as far as he's concerned, it was everything. Even if she didn't expect anything past holding hands, he doesn't think he can even do that. ]
How much more could she stand? A person's patience only ran so far and he'd clearly reached the end of hers in that room belowdecks. ]
What did you think I meant? [ Because as far as he's concerned, it was everything. Even if she didn't expect anything past holding hands, he doesn't think he can even do that. ]
I want a partner. Or a best friend. Or someone that I can rely on to try and protect me as much as I want to protect them. I could care less if it becomes anything more, or less, than that.
[ she responds blithely, ignoring his (useless) question, because if he thought for roughly ten seconds, he would realize that inej cringes at being hugged, too. because she isn't stupid, and she knows he avoids touch. why, inej has no idea. she doubts she ever will know, at the rate they are going.
so, instead of forcing whatever ugly thought had wormed its way into his head out, inej focuses on herself, turning her gaze back to the ocean with a slight frown. she isn't angry, anymore. just tired. ]
And I thought I already had that, which is why I was so angry.
[ she responds blithely, ignoring his (useless) question, because if he thought for roughly ten seconds, he would realize that inej cringes at being hugged, too. because she isn't stupid, and she knows he avoids touch. why, inej has no idea. she doubts she ever will know, at the rate they are going.
so, instead of forcing whatever ugly thought had wormed its way into his head out, inej focuses on herself, turning her gaze back to the ocean with a slight frown. she isn't angry, anymore. just tired. ]
And I thought I already had that, which is why I was so angry.
[ Oh.
He isn't sure why he'd worked himself up so much. Maybe it was the fear of expectation, the things he knows he's seen others do. And while he knows, intrinsically, that Inej had similar issues with touch, he also knows she's been working through it in tiny increments. She doesn't flinch nearly as much as she used to, when Jes slings an arm around her shoulders. And he's always stood on the periphery, simultaneously envious and knowing he couldn't do the same.
Sometimes, it still eats at him, when he least expects.
But what she expects is...different, sort of. A continuation of the way they'd been going, before he'd fucked up. Because he can't think of anyone else he'd rather spend so much time with. Whether it was talking over a job or sitting in comfortable silence while he did numbers and she fed the crows. ]
Alright. [ For the first time in a few days, some of the tension he'd been holding onto uncoils, releasing its grip on his lungs. He lifts one hand, flexing his wrist to look at the dark lines neatly printed on his skin. Was there something to this? Most of him still thinks it must be some kind of mistake. Why would the world pair him with anyone? ]
Since day one, yeah? [ That she's known. The phrase had been so unique, there couldn't have been any doubt. ]
He isn't sure why he'd worked himself up so much. Maybe it was the fear of expectation, the things he knows he's seen others do. And while he knows, intrinsically, that Inej had similar issues with touch, he also knows she's been working through it in tiny increments. She doesn't flinch nearly as much as she used to, when Jes slings an arm around her shoulders. And he's always stood on the periphery, simultaneously envious and knowing he couldn't do the same.
Sometimes, it still eats at him, when he least expects.
But what she expects is...different, sort of. A continuation of the way they'd been going, before he'd fucked up. Because he can't think of anyone else he'd rather spend so much time with. Whether it was talking over a job or sitting in comfortable silence while he did numbers and she fed the crows. ]
Alright. [ For the first time in a few days, some of the tension he'd been holding onto uncoils, releasing its grip on his lungs. He lifts one hand, flexing his wrist to look at the dark lines neatly printed on his skin. Was there something to this? Most of him still thinks it must be some kind of mistake. Why would the world pair him with anyone? ]
Since day one, yeah? [ That she's known. The phrase had been so unique, there couldn't have been any doubt. ]
[ the agreement causes a sudden bout of relief to wash over her that she hadn't expecting. because as much as she can take care of herself (and, assuredly, she does), kaz has been by her side to push her along when she hadn't wanted to do so. life without him was a painful thought, one that threatens to rob her of the air in her lungs.
she loved him, she knew that. wholly and completely, however unnerving or terrifying that thought was. and if kaz needs to work his way to the same conclusion, then that was fine.
at least now, they were on the same page. of sorts. it's a staggering relief, after feeling so disconnected and disjointed, as of late.
she really just missed her best friend. ]
Obviously.
[ she says dryly, rolling her eyes slightly as she meets his gaze, watching him look at his wrist. and she unfolds her arms from her middle to tug her shirt sleeve upward, holding it out so he could see. as if he needed proof. the words are barely visible, in the flickering light, but there. ]
You always have been clueless and unobservant.
[ but at least, now, the insult feels a little more familiar, instead of cold and biting. ]
she loved him, she knew that. wholly and completely, however unnerving or terrifying that thought was. and if kaz needs to work his way to the same conclusion, then that was fine.
at least now, they were on the same page. of sorts. it's a staggering relief, after feeling so disconnected and disjointed, as of late.
she really just missed her best friend. ]
Obviously.
[ she says dryly, rolling her eyes slightly as she meets his gaze, watching him look at his wrist. and she unfolds her arms from her middle to tug her shirt sleeve upward, holding it out so he could see. as if he needed proof. the words are barely visible, in the flickering light, but there. ]
You always have been clueless and unobservant.
[ but at least, now, the insult feels a little more familiar, instead of cold and biting. ]
[ Her dry remark has him quirking a smile, some of the dust settling between them. This he knew. The familiarity washes over him like a cool rain, relieving in almost every way possible. It makes him realize how much he had missed this, in the past few days.
When she holds out her wrist, he already knows what will be there. Still, it cements what he knows, the words plain to see despite the dim light. ]
I had other things on my mind. [ The gang, the next assignment, the multitude of ways to keep the Slat and the club from falling over.
And what he feels a sliver of embarrassment from: idle thoughts of what her hair would feel like over his fingers, how much he likes to watch her when she perched on his sill, sunlight spilling in to illuminate her edges. ]
You should get some more rest. [ Then he glances down, as if taking in her current appearance. ] And socks.
[ Aren't her feet cold??? ]
When she holds out her wrist, he already knows what will be there. Still, it cements what he knows, the words plain to see despite the dim light. ]
I had other things on my mind. [ The gang, the next assignment, the multitude of ways to keep the Slat and the club from falling over.
And what he feels a sliver of embarrassment from: idle thoughts of what her hair would feel like over his fingers, how much he likes to watch her when she perched on his sill, sunlight spilling in to illuminate her edges. ]
You should get some more rest. [ Then he glances down, as if taking in her current appearance. ] And socks.
[ Aren't her feet cold??? ]
[ she waves off his comment about the socks with a hand, though she does rise to her feet. the movement isn't fluid, and it's clear she's still struggling with the wound, but she feels better. in more ways than one. because: ]
The cold feels good.
[ as she wraps her arms around herself, because she is cold -- but it's bracing, rather than pushing her further into darkness. but instead of moving back toward the door that leads belowdeck, she steps forward, closer to the ship's ledge, so she can take a proper look at the sea. something she hasn't done, yet.
it seems to stretch on forever, though in the dark, inej can't see much. but the ocean is calm, passive, gently pushing them along to their destination.
for the first time in a long time, freedom feels . . . tangible. ]
I am still glad I met you.
[ she isn't entirely sure why she says that, her eyes still on the waves, her hair surely a mess in the occasional gust of wind. without him, she would be dead. and with him, she might still wind up dead. but at least she would die on her own terms.
the thought prompts a soft exhale before her lips twitch into a faint smile, a silent understanding with herself, as she rubs some warmth into her arms, glancing up at him. ]
Are you coming inside?
The cold feels good.
[ as she wraps her arms around herself, because she is cold -- but it's bracing, rather than pushing her further into darkness. but instead of moving back toward the door that leads belowdeck, she steps forward, closer to the ship's ledge, so she can take a proper look at the sea. something she hasn't done, yet.
it seems to stretch on forever, though in the dark, inej can't see much. but the ocean is calm, passive, gently pushing them along to their destination.
for the first time in a long time, freedom feels . . . tangible. ]
I am still glad I met you.
[ she isn't entirely sure why she says that, her eyes still on the waves, her hair surely a mess in the occasional gust of wind. without him, she would be dead. and with him, she might still wind up dead. but at least she would die on her own terms.
the thought prompts a soft exhale before her lips twitch into a faint smile, a silent understanding with herself, as she rubs some warmth into her arms, glancing up at him. ]
Are you coming inside?
[ As she gets down from her little perch, he doesn't reach out to help, knowing how she felt about physical contact. There's also that sliver of understanding the need to do something by oneself. He still watches carefully, just in case she wobbles or looks like she's going to need someone to brace her.
She doesn't though, moving to stand by the edge of the ship and peering out onto the ocean. The lantern only illuminates so much, but the lap of the waves against the ship's sides can be seen, light flickering over the water. It catches on the free locks of her hair, too, blown by the soft breeze coming off the water. He wants badly to brush it away from her face, tuck it behind her ear.
And just like every other urge, he quashes it. ]
I'm glad I went back. [ He says, staring out at the water. There hadn't been much doubt that he would go back to the Menagerie, not after that first encounter. But he hadn't been 100% sure he could convince Haskell to put up the kruge.
In the end, he'd won his argument. As he should've known he would. Haskell might bluster and bluff but he loved kruge just as much as the next Kerch native. And Kaz had known where to leverage that.
He turns his attention to Inej as she rubs at her arms—she must be cold, wearing just a thin linen shirt. Hesitating, he pulls his coat off, draping it over her small shoulders. ]
Might as well. [ Nina might start looking for her, after all, and he'll make sure she gets back to bed. ]
She doesn't though, moving to stand by the edge of the ship and peering out onto the ocean. The lantern only illuminates so much, but the lap of the waves against the ship's sides can be seen, light flickering over the water. It catches on the free locks of her hair, too, blown by the soft breeze coming off the water. He wants badly to brush it away from her face, tuck it behind her ear.
And just like every other urge, he quashes it. ]
I'm glad I went back. [ He says, staring out at the water. There hadn't been much doubt that he would go back to the Menagerie, not after that first encounter. But he hadn't been 100% sure he could convince Haskell to put up the kruge.
In the end, he'd won his argument. As he should've known he would. Haskell might bluster and bluff but he loved kruge just as much as the next Kerch native. And Kaz had known where to leverage that.
He turns his attention to Inej as she rubs at her arms—she must be cold, wearing just a thin linen shirt. Hesitating, he pulls his coat off, draping it over her small shoulders. ]
Might as well. [ Nina might start looking for her, after all, and he'll make sure she gets back to bed. ]
[ his comment sparks a softer smile, and inej is about to turn toward the entrance below deck when he slides his coat around her shoulders. it positively dwarfs her, and inej is stunned for half a moment. clearly not expecting the gesture. when was the last time any man had been a gentleman to her? never, really.
but she soon tugs it closer, tucking her nose into the collar, savoring the warmth from it having just been wrapped around kaz. and maybe it carries his specific scent, too. which is calming in its own way.
she turns toward the door, and her typical grace is hampered by both her own weakness and the long coat. her foot soon catches on the wool, and she stumbles half a step before throwing out an arm to steady herself, a startled laugh escaping.
the laugh hurts like hell, truthfully, but: ]
This is a dress, not a coat.
[ and even as a dress, too big. ]
but she soon tugs it closer, tucking her nose into the collar, savoring the warmth from it having just been wrapped around kaz. and maybe it carries his specific scent, too. which is calming in its own way.
she turns toward the door, and her typical grace is hampered by both her own weakness and the long coat. her foot soon catches on the wool, and she stumbles half a step before throwing out an arm to steady herself, a startled laugh escaping.
the laugh hurts like hell, truthfully, but: ]
This is a dress, not a coat.
[ and even as a dress, too big. ]
[ She tugs the coat closer and he smiles a bit, glad that she'll be warmer in it. It's also a little ridiculous on her, considering their height difference, something that she points out after they've started to head back down. Because she stumbles on the hem, briefly, quick reflexes letting her catch herself before she ended up falling face first.
He thinks it's the first time he's ever seen her so clumsy, which prompts a similarly startled laugh. ]
Inej, treasure of my heart, would you like me to hold your train?
[ There's no way he could help himself from the amused jab. ]
He thinks it's the first time he's ever seen her so clumsy, which prompts a similarly startled laugh. ]
Inej, treasure of my heart, would you like me to hold your train?
[ There's no way he could help himself from the amused jab. ]
[ what a crushing relief it is, to have him be his annoying, frustrating, arrogant, charming self. she had been paralyzed, for half a moment, when he left the bedroom earlier that day, that she had ruined it. whatever it is, with them.
but, no. they were fine. just as they would always be fine. with some bumps along the road, to be sure, but they would always be fine.
that being said: ]
No.
[ with a slight huff, as she pauses to slide her arms into the coat proper, so she can at least grab the hem of the coat herself . . . but her the arms of the coat just sort of flop over her hands, as her arms aren't long enough to fill them.
why she had to befriend a bunch of giants is beyond her. ]
I survived Oomen, and I shall survive a set of stairs.
[ she somehow manages to say it rather primly, given she looks absolutely ridiculous, though she does use the railing for stability on her way below deck, carefully feeling out the stairs with her toes as she steps forward.
falling down the stairs is sure to rip open her wound, and she has already given nina enough grief. ]
but, no. they were fine. just as they would always be fine. with some bumps along the road, to be sure, but they would always be fine.
that being said: ]
No.
[ with a slight huff, as she pauses to slide her arms into the coat proper, so she can at least grab the hem of the coat herself . . . but her the arms of the coat just sort of flop over her hands, as her arms aren't long enough to fill them.
why she had to befriend a bunch of giants is beyond her. ]
I survived Oomen, and I shall survive a set of stairs.
[ she somehow manages to say it rather primly, given she looks absolutely ridiculous, though she does use the railing for stability on her way below deck, carefully feeling out the stairs with her toes as she steps forward.
falling down the stairs is sure to rip open her wound, and she has already given nina enough grief. ]
[ In all honesty, the coat is pretty ridiculous on her, since she's completely dwarfed by the excess fabric. He's at least a head taller than her, probably a bit more, with wider shoulders. As she puts her arms into the sleeves properly, he thinks it's maybe a little cute, especially with how it flops over her hands. ]
Zenik would haunt us both if you tripped.
[ He watches her carefully as she gathers up the cloth and starts down the stairs, using a railing for once. They both reach the bottom and as she passes under the lantern that's hooked near the end of the steps, he feels a familiar twinge of greed. Her hair is caught in the collar of his coat, some of it spilling over where it's gone free. And despite how much bigger it is, she wears it with as much grace as she does everything else. Really, he'd lent it because she was cold but he thinks he likes it on her a bit more than intended.
Ah.
Something to think about. Later. Or hopefully not at all, because he shouldn't be so distracted by how she's wearing his coat.
And yet.
When they get to the surgeon's quarters, he quietly opens the door and holds it for her, noting that Nina still appears to be dozed off in the corner. ]
Zenik would haunt us both if you tripped.
[ He watches her carefully as she gathers up the cloth and starts down the stairs, using a railing for once. They both reach the bottom and as she passes under the lantern that's hooked near the end of the steps, he feels a familiar twinge of greed. Her hair is caught in the collar of his coat, some of it spilling over where it's gone free. And despite how much bigger it is, she wears it with as much grace as she does everything else. Really, he'd lent it because she was cold but he thinks he likes it on her a bit more than intended.
Ah.
Something to think about. Later. Or hopefully not at all, because he shouldn't be so distracted by how she's wearing his coat.
And yet.
When they get to the surgeon's quarters, he quietly opens the door and holds it for her, noting that Nina still appears to be dozed off in the corner. ]
[ she doesn't notice any attention paid to her, though she does offer him a small smile, at the opening of the door. and she's about to shrug out of the coat when she realizes that she's still pretty cold. and kaz said he was going to go inside, too - so surely he wouldn't mind if she kept it for the night?
at any rate, she hesitates by the door before reaching out to gingerly brush her fingers against his, her hand still mostly encapsulated by the coat. ]
Good night, Kaz.
[ it's said quietly, barely heard among the waves, before she gingerly steps into the room, doing her best to move silently with the coat to avoid waking up nina, who was indeed still asleep in the corner.
it takes half a moment to shrug out of the coat, folding it neatly on the bed before she pushes herself back up into it, sliding underneath the blanket before tugging the wool coat over her, too. it's warm, and snug, and she soon burrows her way underneath both to (finally) have a peaceful sleep. ]
at any rate, she hesitates by the door before reaching out to gingerly brush her fingers against his, her hand still mostly encapsulated by the coat. ]
Good night, Kaz.
[ it's said quietly, barely heard among the waves, before she gingerly steps into the room, doing her best to move silently with the coat to avoid waking up nina, who was indeed still asleep in the corner.
it takes half a moment to shrug out of the coat, folding it neatly on the bed before she pushes herself back up into it, sliding underneath the blanket before tugging the wool coat over her, too. it's warm, and snug, and she soon burrows her way underneath both to (finally) have a peaceful sleep. ]
[ A week passes from their encounter with Van Eck on Vellgeluk. He sets his mind to the task of getting Inej back. Not only for her own sake but because he won't abide by a second more of her being in Jan Van Eck's hands. It makes his stomach turn, not knowing what she's going through. Not having her here, with the group, at his side.
If he's honest, which he only is in the dead of night when left with his thoughts, he feels like he's missing a limb. Her absence has left a gaping hole, one that everyone has been feeling keenly.
So he schemes, thinking on how best to outmaneuver a merch who has nearly every resource at his disposal. It's his major leverage but, as Matthias asks how they'll do this, he knows it's also his biggest weakness. Van Eck has picked a fight with people who understand what it is to have nothing. And in some ways, aren't afraid to have it taken from them again. None of them have legacies or estates or, in some cases, even families.
Van Eck, though, had handed his soft spot to Kaz on a platter. An heir and a very pregnant wife, tucked away.
All things considered, the rescue itself goes off...not terribly. It's chaotic, but he'd counted on chaos. The sound of fireworks ring in his ears all the way to the Weft, finally dying down once he and Inej make their way into an abandoned linen warehouse. It'd been victim to a fire relatively recently which meant no operations would be here until the real estate exchanged hands. Nor would anyone come looking for them here.
He watches Inej get settled on the leftover linen rolls and hands over the food and water he'd tucked away ahead of time. She looks pale and too thin. A week had been too long. A week shouldn't have existed, if he'd just kept his eyes on Van Eck instead of darting his gaze over to her.
Stupid, so stupid. He'll regret that moment for years to come.
Carefully, he lowers himself to the linen pile, sitting close but giving her space. ]
What did you say to Van Eck? On the bridge.
[ The merch had looked distinctly unhappy. ]
If he's honest, which he only is in the dead of night when left with his thoughts, he feels like he's missing a limb. Her absence has left a gaping hole, one that everyone has been feeling keenly.
So he schemes, thinking on how best to outmaneuver a merch who has nearly every resource at his disposal. It's his major leverage but, as Matthias asks how they'll do this, he knows it's also his biggest weakness. Van Eck has picked a fight with people who understand what it is to have nothing. And in some ways, aren't afraid to have it taken from them again. None of them have legacies or estates or, in some cases, even families.
Van Eck, though, had handed his soft spot to Kaz on a platter. An heir and a very pregnant wife, tucked away.
All things considered, the rescue itself goes off...not terribly. It's chaotic, but he'd counted on chaos. The sound of fireworks ring in his ears all the way to the Weft, finally dying down once he and Inej make their way into an abandoned linen warehouse. It'd been victim to a fire relatively recently which meant no operations would be here until the real estate exchanged hands. Nor would anyone come looking for them here.
He watches Inej get settled on the leftover linen rolls and hands over the food and water he'd tucked away ahead of time. She looks pale and too thin. A week had been too long. A week shouldn't have existed, if he'd just kept his eyes on Van Eck instead of darting his gaze over to her.
Stupid, so stupid. He'll regret that moment for years to come.
Carefully, he lowers himself to the linen pile, sitting close but giving her space. ]
What did you say to Van Eck? On the bridge.
[ The merch had looked distinctly unhappy. ]
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