[ ah. jesper had left the second part out. she supposes that makes a bit more sense, though she still clicks her tongue in disapproval as she turns to look at the water. still unnecessary, and foolish, considering oomen could have just been pitched overboard.
she does, notably, let it go.
instead, she exhales slowly. ]
You are wrong, about not being able to give me "that."
[ she says after a moment of thought, fingers gently rubbing her bandages. the cold feels so good on her skin. the chill of feeling alive, versus the chill of death. ]
And you are also assuming what "that" means to me.
[ Really, he's not so sure, even if she is. In comparison, he feels emotionally unavailable—after all, how much had he hurt her with his words up until this point. Some had been on purpose. The rest, done with callous obliviousness.
How much more could she stand? A person's patience only ran so far and he'd clearly reached the end of hers in that room belowdecks. ]
What did you think I meant? [ Because as far as he's concerned, it was everything. Even if she didn't expect anything past holding hands, he doesn't think he can even do that. ]
I want a partner. Or a best friend. Or someone that I can rely on to try and protect me as much as I want to protect them. I could care less if it becomes anything more, or less, than that.
[ she responds blithely, ignoring his (useless) question, because if he thought for roughly ten seconds, he would realize that inej cringes at being hugged, too. because she isn't stupid, and she knows he avoids touch. why, inej has no idea. she doubts she ever will know, at the rate they are going.
so, instead of forcing whatever ugly thought had wormed its way into his head out, inej focuses on herself, turning her gaze back to the ocean with a slight frown. she isn't angry, anymore. just tired. ]
And I thought I already had that, which is why I was so angry.
He isn't sure why he'd worked himself up so much. Maybe it was the fear of expectation, the things he knows he's seen others do. And while he knows, intrinsically, that Inej had similar issues with touch, he also knows she's been working through it in tiny increments. She doesn't flinch nearly as much as she used to, when Jes slings an arm around her shoulders. And he's always stood on the periphery, simultaneously envious and knowing he couldn't do the same.
Sometimes, it still eats at him, when he least expects.
But what she expects is...different, sort of. A continuation of the way they'd been going, before he'd fucked up. Because he can't think of anyone else he'd rather spend so much time with. Whether it was talking over a job or sitting in comfortable silence while he did numbers and she fed the crows. ]
Alright. [ For the first time in a few days, some of the tension he'd been holding onto uncoils, releasing its grip on his lungs. He lifts one hand, flexing his wrist to look at the dark lines neatly printed on his skin. Was there something to this? Most of him still thinks it must be some kind of mistake. Why would the world pair him with anyone? ]
Since day one, yeah? [ That she's known. The phrase had been so unique, there couldn't have been any doubt. ]
[ the agreement causes a sudden bout of relief to wash over her that she hadn't expecting. because as much as she can take care of herself (and, assuredly, she does), kaz has been by her side to push her along when she hadn't wanted to do so. life without him was a painful thought, one that threatens to rob her of the air in her lungs.
she loved him, she knew that. wholly and completely, however unnerving or terrifying that thought was. and if kaz needs to work his way to the same conclusion, then that was fine.
at least now, they were on the same page. of sorts. it's a staggering relief, after feeling so disconnected and disjointed, as of late.
she really just missed her best friend. ]
Obviously.
[ she says dryly, rolling her eyes slightly as she meets his gaze, watching him look at his wrist. and she unfolds her arms from her middle to tug her shirt sleeve upward, holding it out so he could see. as if he needed proof. the words are barely visible, in the flickering light, but there. ]
You always have been clueless and unobservant.
[ but at least, now, the insult feels a little more familiar, instead of cold and biting. ]
[ Her dry remark has him quirking a smile, some of the dust settling between them. This he knew. The familiarity washes over him like a cool rain, relieving in almost every way possible. It makes him realize how much he had missed this, in the past few days.
When she holds out her wrist, he already knows what will be there. Still, it cements what he knows, the words plain to see despite the dim light. ]
I had other things on my mind. [ The gang, the next assignment, the multitude of ways to keep the Slat and the club from falling over.
And what he feels a sliver of embarrassment from: idle thoughts of what her hair would feel like over his fingers, how much he likes to watch her when she perched on his sill, sunlight spilling in to illuminate her edges. ]
You should get some more rest. [ Then he glances down, as if taking in her current appearance. ] And socks.
[ she waves off his comment about the socks with a hand, though she does rise to her feet. the movement isn't fluid, and it's clear she's still struggling with the wound, but she feels better. in more ways than one. because: ]
The cold feels good.
[ as she wraps her arms around herself, because she is cold -- but it's bracing, rather than pushing her further into darkness. but instead of moving back toward the door that leads belowdeck, she steps forward, closer to the ship's ledge, so she can take a proper look at the sea. something she hasn't done, yet.
it seems to stretch on forever, though in the dark, inej can't see much. but the ocean is calm, passive, gently pushing them along to their destination.
for the first time in a long time, freedom feels . . . tangible. ]
I am still glad I met you.
[ she isn't entirely sure why she says that, her eyes still on the waves, her hair surely a mess in the occasional gust of wind. without him, she would be dead. and with him, she might still wind up dead. but at least she would die on her own terms.
the thought prompts a soft exhale before her lips twitch into a faint smile, a silent understanding with herself, as she rubs some warmth into her arms, glancing up at him. ]
[ As she gets down from her little perch, he doesn't reach out to help, knowing how she felt about physical contact. There's also that sliver of understanding the need to do something by oneself. He still watches carefully, just in case she wobbles or looks like she's going to need someone to brace her.
She doesn't though, moving to stand by the edge of the ship and peering out onto the ocean. The lantern only illuminates so much, but the lap of the waves against the ship's sides can be seen, light flickering over the water. It catches on the free locks of her hair, too, blown by the soft breeze coming off the water. He wants badly to brush it away from her face, tuck it behind her ear.
And just like every other urge, he quashes it. ]
I'm glad I went back. [ He says, staring out at the water. There hadn't been much doubt that he would go back to the Menagerie, not after that first encounter. But he hadn't been 100% sure he could convince Haskell to put up the kruge.
In the end, he'd won his argument. As he should've known he would. Haskell might bluster and bluff but he loved kruge just as much as the next Kerch native. And Kaz had known where to leverage that.
He turns his attention to Inej as she rubs at her arms—she must be cold, wearing just a thin linen shirt. Hesitating, he pulls his coat off, draping it over her small shoulders. ]
Might as well. [ Nina might start looking for her, after all, and he'll make sure she gets back to bed. ]
[ his comment sparks a softer smile, and inej is about to turn toward the entrance below deck when he slides his coat around her shoulders. it positively dwarfs her, and inej is stunned for half a moment. clearly not expecting the gesture. when was the last time any man had been a gentleman to her? never, really.
but she soon tugs it closer, tucking her nose into the collar, savoring the warmth from it having just been wrapped around kaz. and maybe it carries his specific scent, too. which is calming in its own way.
she turns toward the door, and her typical grace is hampered by both her own weakness and the long coat. her foot soon catches on the wool, and she stumbles half a step before throwing out an arm to steady herself, a startled laugh escaping.
[ She tugs the coat closer and he smiles a bit, glad that she'll be warmer in it. It's also a little ridiculous on her, considering their height difference, something that she points out after they've started to head back down. Because she stumbles on the hem, briefly, quick reflexes letting her catch herself before she ended up falling face first.
He thinks it's the first time he's ever seen her so clumsy, which prompts a similarly startled laugh. ]
Inej, treasure of my heart, would you like me to hold your train?
[ There's no way he could help himself from the amused jab. ]
[ what a crushing relief it is, to have him be his annoying, frustrating, arrogant, charming self. she had been paralyzed, for half a moment, when he left the bedroom earlier that day, that she had ruined it. whatever it is, with them.
but, no. they were fine. just as they would always be fine. with some bumps along the road, to be sure, but they would always be fine.
that being said: ]
No.
[ with a slight huff, as she pauses to slide her arms into the coat proper, so she can at least grab the hem of the coat herself . . . but her the arms of the coat just sort of flop over her hands, as her arms aren't long enough to fill them.
why she had to befriend a bunch of giants is beyond her. ]
I survived Oomen, and I shall survive a set of stairs.
[ she somehow manages to say it rather primly, given she looks absolutely ridiculous, though she does use the railing for stability on her way below deck, carefully feeling out the stairs with her toes as she steps forward.
falling down the stairs is sure to rip open her wound, and she has already given nina enough grief. ]
[ In all honesty, the coat is pretty ridiculous on her, since she's completely dwarfed by the excess fabric. He's at least a head taller than her, probably a bit more, with wider shoulders. As she puts her arms into the sleeves properly, he thinks it's maybe a little cute, especially with how it flops over her hands. ]
Zenik would haunt us both if you tripped.
[ He watches her carefully as she gathers up the cloth and starts down the stairs, using a railing for once. They both reach the bottom and as she passes under the lantern that's hooked near the end of the steps, he feels a familiar twinge of greed. Her hair is caught in the collar of his coat, some of it spilling over where it's gone free. And despite how much bigger it is, she wears it with as much grace as she does everything else. Really, he'd lent it because she was cold but he thinks he likes it on her a bit more than intended.
Ah.
Something to think about. Later. Or hopefully not at all, because he shouldn't be so distracted by how she's wearing his coat.
And yet.
When they get to the surgeon's quarters, he quietly opens the door and holds it for her, noting that Nina still appears to be dozed off in the corner. ]
[ she doesn't notice any attention paid to her, though she does offer him a small smile, at the opening of the door. and she's about to shrug out of the coat when she realizes that she's still pretty cold. and kaz said he was going to go inside, too - so surely he wouldn't mind if she kept it for the night?
at any rate, she hesitates by the door before reaching out to gingerly brush her fingers against his, her hand still mostly encapsulated by the coat. ]
Good night, Kaz.
[ it's said quietly, barely heard among the waves, before she gingerly steps into the room, doing her best to move silently with the coat to avoid waking up nina, who was indeed still asleep in the corner.
it takes half a moment to shrug out of the coat, folding it neatly on the bed before she pushes herself back up into it, sliding underneath the blanket before tugging the wool coat over her, too. it's warm, and snug, and she soon burrows her way underneath both to (finally) have a peaceful sleep. ]
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no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 01:20 am (UTC)she does, notably, let it go.
instead, she exhales slowly. ]
You are wrong, about not being able to give me "that."
[ she says after a moment of thought, fingers gently rubbing her bandages. the cold feels so good on her skin. the chill of feeling alive, versus the chill of death. ]
And you are also assuming what "that" means to me.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 01:29 am (UTC)How much more could she stand? A person's patience only ran so far and he'd clearly reached the end of hers in that room belowdecks. ]
What did you think I meant? [ Because as far as he's concerned, it was everything. Even if she didn't expect anything past holding hands, he doesn't think he can even do that. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 01:38 am (UTC)[ she responds blithely, ignoring his (useless) question, because if he thought for roughly ten seconds, he would realize that inej cringes at being hugged, too. because she isn't stupid, and she knows he avoids touch. why, inej has no idea. she doubts she ever will know, at the rate they are going.
so, instead of forcing whatever ugly thought had wormed its way into his head out, inej focuses on herself, turning her gaze back to the ocean with a slight frown. she isn't angry, anymore. just tired. ]
And I thought I already had that, which is why I was so angry.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 02:08 am (UTC)He isn't sure why he'd worked himself up so much. Maybe it was the fear of expectation, the things he knows he's seen others do. And while he knows, intrinsically, that Inej had similar issues with touch, he also knows she's been working through it in tiny increments. She doesn't flinch nearly as much as she used to, when Jes slings an arm around her shoulders. And he's always stood on the periphery, simultaneously envious and knowing he couldn't do the same.
Sometimes, it still eats at him, when he least expects.
But what she expects is...different, sort of. A continuation of the way they'd been going, before he'd fucked up. Because he can't think of anyone else he'd rather spend so much time with. Whether it was talking over a job or sitting in comfortable silence while he did numbers and she fed the crows. ]
Alright. [ For the first time in a few days, some of the tension he'd been holding onto uncoils, releasing its grip on his lungs. He lifts one hand, flexing his wrist to look at the dark lines neatly printed on his skin. Was there something to this? Most of him still thinks it must be some kind of mistake. Why would the world pair him with anyone? ]
Since day one, yeah? [ That she's known. The phrase had been so unique, there couldn't have been any doubt. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 02:33 am (UTC)she loved him, she knew that. wholly and completely, however unnerving or terrifying that thought was. and if kaz needs to work his way to the same conclusion, then that was fine.
at least now, they were on the same page. of sorts. it's a staggering relief, after feeling so disconnected and disjointed, as of late.
she really just missed her best friend. ]
Obviously.
[ she says dryly, rolling her eyes slightly as she meets his gaze, watching him look at his wrist. and she unfolds her arms from her middle to tug her shirt sleeve upward, holding it out so he could see. as if he needed proof. the words are barely visible, in the flickering light, but there. ]
You always have been clueless and unobservant.
[ but at least, now, the insult feels a little more familiar, instead of cold and biting. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 02:56 am (UTC)When she holds out her wrist, he already knows what will be there. Still, it cements what he knows, the words plain to see despite the dim light. ]
I had other things on my mind. [ The gang, the next assignment, the multitude of ways to keep the Slat and the club from falling over.
And what he feels a sliver of embarrassment from: idle thoughts of what her hair would feel like over his fingers, how much he likes to watch her when she perched on his sill, sunlight spilling in to illuminate her edges. ]
You should get some more rest. [ Then he glances down, as if taking in her current appearance. ] And socks.
[ Aren't her feet cold??? ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 02:36 pm (UTC)The cold feels good.
[ as she wraps her arms around herself, because she is cold -- but it's bracing, rather than pushing her further into darkness. but instead of moving back toward the door that leads belowdeck, she steps forward, closer to the ship's ledge, so she can take a proper look at the sea. something she hasn't done, yet.
it seems to stretch on forever, though in the dark, inej can't see much. but the ocean is calm, passive, gently pushing them along to their destination.
for the first time in a long time, freedom feels . . . tangible. ]
I am still glad I met you.
[ she isn't entirely sure why she says that, her eyes still on the waves, her hair surely a mess in the occasional gust of wind. without him, she would be dead. and with him, she might still wind up dead. but at least she would die on her own terms.
the thought prompts a soft exhale before her lips twitch into a faint smile, a silent understanding with herself, as she rubs some warmth into her arms, glancing up at him. ]
Are you coming inside?
no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 06:03 pm (UTC)She doesn't though, moving to stand by the edge of the ship and peering out onto the ocean. The lantern only illuminates so much, but the lap of the waves against the ship's sides can be seen, light flickering over the water. It catches on the free locks of her hair, too, blown by the soft breeze coming off the water. He wants badly to brush it away from her face, tuck it behind her ear.
And just like every other urge, he quashes it. ]
I'm glad I went back. [ He says, staring out at the water. There hadn't been much doubt that he would go back to the Menagerie, not after that first encounter. But he hadn't been 100% sure he could convince Haskell to put up the kruge.
In the end, he'd won his argument. As he should've known he would. Haskell might bluster and bluff but he loved kruge just as much as the next Kerch native. And Kaz had known where to leverage that.
He turns his attention to Inej as she rubs at her arms—she must be cold, wearing just a thin linen shirt. Hesitating, he pulls his coat off, draping it over her small shoulders. ]
Might as well. [ Nina might start looking for her, after all, and he'll make sure she gets back to bed. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-31 03:05 am (UTC)but she soon tugs it closer, tucking her nose into the collar, savoring the warmth from it having just been wrapped around kaz. and maybe it carries his specific scent, too. which is calming in its own way.
she turns toward the door, and her typical grace is hampered by both her own weakness and the long coat. her foot soon catches on the wool, and she stumbles half a step before throwing out an arm to steady herself, a startled laugh escaping.
the laugh hurts like hell, truthfully, but: ]
This is a dress, not a coat.
[ and even as a dress, too big. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-31 03:36 am (UTC)He thinks it's the first time he's ever seen her so clumsy, which prompts a similarly startled laugh. ]
Inej, treasure of my heart, would you like me to hold your train?
[ There's no way he could help himself from the amused jab. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-31 02:56 pm (UTC)but, no. they were fine. just as they would always be fine. with some bumps along the road, to be sure, but they would always be fine.
that being said: ]
No.
[ with a slight huff, as she pauses to slide her arms into the coat proper, so she can at least grab the hem of the coat herself . . . but her the arms of the coat just sort of flop over her hands, as her arms aren't long enough to fill them.
why she had to befriend a bunch of giants is beyond her. ]
I survived Oomen, and I shall survive a set of stairs.
[ she somehow manages to say it rather primly, given she looks absolutely ridiculous, though she does use the railing for stability on her way below deck, carefully feeling out the stairs with her toes as she steps forward.
falling down the stairs is sure to rip open her wound, and she has already given nina enough grief. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-31 04:22 pm (UTC)Zenik would haunt us both if you tripped.
[ He watches her carefully as she gathers up the cloth and starts down the stairs, using a railing for once. They both reach the bottom and as she passes under the lantern that's hooked near the end of the steps, he feels a familiar twinge of greed. Her hair is caught in the collar of his coat, some of it spilling over where it's gone free. And despite how much bigger it is, she wears it with as much grace as she does everything else. Really, he'd lent it because she was cold but he thinks he likes it on her a bit more than intended.
Ah.
Something to think about. Later. Or hopefully not at all, because he shouldn't be so distracted by how she's wearing his coat.
And yet.
When they get to the surgeon's quarters, he quietly opens the door and holds it for her, noting that Nina still appears to be dozed off in the corner. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-31 05:09 pm (UTC)at any rate, she hesitates by the door before reaching out to gingerly brush her fingers against his, her hand still mostly encapsulated by the coat. ]
Good night, Kaz.
[ it's said quietly, barely heard among the waves, before she gingerly steps into the room, doing her best to move silently with the coat to avoid waking up nina, who was indeed still asleep in the corner.
it takes half a moment to shrug out of the coat, folding it neatly on the bed before she pushes herself back up into it, sliding underneath the blanket before tugging the wool coat over her, too. it's warm, and snug, and she soon burrows her way underneath both to (finally) have a peaceful sleep. ]