[ getting everyone else out is a powerful motivator. but nina is just as capable of organizing them to move. she was a soldier, a capable fighter, and more than willing to make the hard choice if need be. she wanted to protect her people, but didn't they all? that was part of the reason they were challenging van eck in the first place, wealth be damned.
he is right, though. and she believes him when he says that there is no other alternative. something has to be done to control the barrel before pekka rollins came for all of their heads. but that thought just reinforces the steel in her spine. and, honestly, at the end of the day: ]
You're asking me to do something that I'm not capable of doing.
[ it's said quietly, but there's a distinct undercurrent of pleading to her tone, seeking him to understand. staying behind, or lurking in the shadows, is one thing. but leaving him to die is another.
she has heard stories, about people who lose their other halves. their destined bonded person. it's a horrifically lonely existence. like a piece of your soul is gone. and usually, when one dies, the other isn't far behind. either by their own hand or just by a broken heart.
whether or not they were true, inej has no idea. but she does know that she doesn't want to find out. ]
I can agree to trusting you to know what you are doing. [ in handling haskell on his own. ] And I can agree to telling the others to leave, to having an escape plan, but I will not leave you here to die. The answer is no.
[ Something she isn't capable of doing—part of him disagrees, just on the basis that he thinks she's capable of just about anything. She's more than proven herself to do things other people wouldn't even attempt. And she's done it with grace and smarts, many times leaving no trace at all.
This, though, he can understand, even if it frustrates him. If their positions were reversed, he wouldn't be able to sit idly by either. Ever since they'd cleared the air on the Ferolind, he had the sharp paranoia that he was going to look down and the words on his wrist would blur, smudged like a hand over fresh ink.
It's still possible, considering the circumstances, but he is trying his best to get them out of this corner. ]
Give me until six bells at least. [ She's good at remaining hidden but he doesn't want her trying to intervene if things get ugly while he's at the Slat. But if he doesn't make it back, it's not like he can control what she'll do. ]
[ he seems to (reluctantly) agree with her. that much she can do - give him six bells. she'll simply wait in the rafters and count down the seconds until she can strike, if needed. nina can safeguard the rest of the crows in her absence - the rest of them will listen to her, and nina will listen to inej if inej tells her what needs to be done.
kaz doesn't need to know any of that, though, and she's relieved he changes the subject. mostly because while inej can lie through her teeth in order to survive, she's not good at hiding things from him. with the exception of her mark, which was really only hidden because kaz never bothered to ask her about it in the first place.
idiot. (though it's thought with affection.) ]
She wants me dead.
[ a little ruefully, as inej turns her attention back to the bandages, smoothing them along the counter so she can continue to stabilize her shoulder. ]
I cannot seem to hit her. She moves too quickly, and she can see every single strike that comes her way before it happens.
[ if dunyasha weren't determined to slit her throat, inej would probably find her a nice ally to have. maybe even a friend. unfortunate that they wound up on opposite sides, and dunyasha is set to remove inej's heart from her body.
inej frowns a little, at her reflection in the mirror. she looks tired, with dark circles under her eyes. new scars, and wounds. she never thought she would be wishing for something as basic and simple as a gang scrap, but kicking one of geels' men off the roof sounds like a vacation in comparison to the last month. ]
I am running out of lives to spare, and she knows that.
[ she murmurs, rearranging the bandages on the counter. ]
[ She describes more about Dunyasha, mentioning that she's having difficulty hitting her. And that this fighter seems to be able to see a move coming before Inej can go in for the attack.
Formidable, for sure. She must be good, if Inej is struggling to get in a cut. If she weren't so intent on trying to kill her, he'd consider seeing if he could sway her loyalties. Though ultimately, it might not worth it. Especially if she's one of those radicals or is too unpredictable. ]
Look for a tell. Everyone has one, even if it doesn't seem it.
[ she looks at him, brow furrowing a little at his advice. a tell. she supposes everyone does have one - a sign they're lying, or hiding something, but kaz seems to be describing this as more of a sign of weakness. ]
Fighters have tells. Keeping their balance on a certain foot or depending more on one side from an old injury. A shoulder tensing before they strike.
[ Small things he's had to watch out for. Not only from growing up in the Barrel and being relatively small but because of his leg, later. He needed to be able to try and predict how someone would move or what they'd do so he could have the advantage.
As he's gotten older, he's used information against people in the same way. Usually to stave off a fight—better to conserve energy where he could. And so he didn't have to show all his cards at once. ]
[ ah. well, that makes sense, though as inej wracks her brain, she really can't think of one for kaz. how he holds himself is obvious - he needs to compensate for his leg, but it doesn't seem to stop him, or hamper him. ]
What is mine, then?
[ she asks, almost curious if he knows. he probably does, given he's the one who taught her how to fight. but inej so rarely gets hit that she hasn't ever really considered someone could predict her movement. dunyasha is clearly the exception to the rule. ]
[ She asks what hers is and he studies her for a moment, thinking of how best to describe it. And as much as he doesn't want her to have one, she does. Though only better fighters would be able to pick it out.
Someone like Dunyasha, for example. ]
You square your shoulders like you're about to perform. As though waiting for the audience to notice.
[ No doubt carried over from her younger days of actually performing. But isn't a fight just another type of performance in some regard? It's not that out of place for her to do. Anyone else looking at her would probably have no idea where that little motion came from. ]
[ he looks her over, which causes a slight arch of her eyebrows, almost a silent warning to keep his mouth shut if he says something offensive. but instead, kaz says something almost surprisingly insightful.
and, yet, also annoying. ]
I do not.
[ but it's clear that she says it with a huff of faux annoyance, because inej is well aware that what kaz says is probably true. and she seems to forcibly allow her shoulders to relax . . . because she squares up when she's ready to argue, too.
[ Her brows go up and the near pout she gives after her protest is amusing. So is the protest itself, because she clearly knows he's being honest about it. Not like he'd want to lead her astray, not at this point. They're in too deep and she needs every weapon—physical or otherwise—to defeat this Dunyasha.
That doesn't stop her from returning fire, so to speak. A banter he's grown both used to and grudgingly fond of. ]
Inej, I'm crippled. [ He says in mock exasperation, as if she wasn't aware. As if she hasn't been anticipating how his leg is going to feel from day to day for the last couple years.
More seriously though, he looks at her and holds her gaze. ]
[ with a huff and a wave of her hand, before she moves to the counter, pushing herself up to sit on it neatly so she can actually bandage her wounds. and she tosses him a look, holding his gaze.
he's trying to tell her something, with that look. what it is, inej has no idea. not quite. ]
So what is it? [ as she tugs her stack of bandages closer to her thigh, so she can reach. ] Because you are far from a helpless cripple, no matter how much you exaggerate your limp in negotiations.
[ In a smooth motion, she levers herself up onto the counter, still facing him. It makes him think she's at a good height to hug, something he's tempted to do. If only to change the subject to something that doesn't expose the raw parts of himself.
Or the thing he's been regretting since Van Eck snatched her away.
But he knows her too well—she's going to pursue it if he tries to evade her line of questioning. ]
You. [ A thing both relieving and frightening to say. He's never had such a lever to be used against him before. The touch, perhaps, but even he could grit his teeth through it if he saw it coming.
The thought of anything horrible happening to her just. Puts him completely off balance.
He leans against the sink, hands curled along the ledge of it, his gaze dropping towards the letter from the Gemensbank. ]
On Vellgeluk, Van Eck changed his mind because I looked at you first. [ He's turned it over and over since then, hating that he'd been so transparent. ]
[ that . . . surprises her, and she looks over at him when he leans against the sink, with a slight frown on her lips. not because he admits that he cares about her to the point of seemingly caving to whatever demands to keep her safe, but the latter part. ]
He changed his mind because he is a cheat, and he took me because I was the obvious choice.
[ a gentle correction, and a nudge that he shouldn't carry a burden for something that was outside of any of their controls. she scoots herself over a little bit, within touching distance, if only so she can gently brush her hand against the sleeve of his shirt, to get his attention.
and, more importantly, inej ducks her head a little to catch his gaze, with a slight smile. ]
You have enough stupid mistakes to take credit for without adding unnecessary ones to the pile.
[ It's true that Van Eck is a cheat. That despite his upstanding merch reputation, he's just as bad if not worse than the denizens of the Barrel. At least with most of the gangs, you fought for your gang. Van Eck only fought for himself, the ultimate kind of greed.
Still, he doesn't think it's as easy as Inej says—that he'd changed his mind because he thought her an easy target. Kaz had seen his face, had seen how his expression shifted with recognition when he'd followed his eyeline. After all, he'd announced that he'd take the whole group just a moment before. At least they would've been all together; power in numbers, even if Van Eck wouldn't think of it that way. He thought too much like the stadwatch, in nice orderly lines. ]
He changed his mind because I couldn't help myself. [ And then she'd gone through that horrifying ordeal, threatened to have her legs shattered. He turns his head to look at her, brows furrowed. ]
Then what is the solution? To never show worry again?
[ it's asked quietly, keeping his gaze, searching his features. because while van eck may have seen that kaz was worried about her, it didn't change the fact that inej kept the secrets of the dregs. even if kaz hadn't looked at her, inej would be the obvious choice, if van eck wanted to know where yuul was.
she wants to brush her fingers against his cheek, run her thumb along his cheekbone, to comfort him. but that feels like too much, like a string waiting to snap. so instead, she gently brushes her fingers against the sleeve of his shirt. ]
[ If only it were that easy. He knows she hates it when he closes off, emotions shuttered, leaving only Dirtyhands behind. But that part of him would've kept Inej out of Van Eck's grasp. Would've saved them all the heartache and worry during the time she was gone.
Somehow, though, that boy from Lij had crawled up instead, worry and fear easily read by anyone looking. And he knows it would probably show again, if she were ever put in danger's path again. None of the logic works to assuage the anxiety—it doesn't matter that she can more than handle herself. He just wants her to be alright. To know she's doing fine. ]
Do I? [ It feels like all he's done lately is bring misery. There's a whole long line of it behind him too—Filip, Saskia, the fake bank clerks, and everyone else between him and Pekka Rollins. ]
Showing it is just going to get us in trouble again. I don't want to give them the option of using us as weapons against each other.
[ the thought that he genuinely doesn't believe that he deserves happiness weighs on her heart. mostly because she knows how it feels, to not be worthy of happiness, or love. it's lonely, and painful. ]
Look at me.
[ it's said gently, as she reaches out with a hand to brush her fingers along his jaw, a light touch lifting his chin so he can truly meet her gaze. it's done without thinking, a need to get him to actually listen instead of letting himself dwell inside his head. ]
If they want to attempt to use us against each other, let them try. They will fail.
[ just like van eck did. just like pekka rollins will. they would get out of this mess, come hell or high water, and they would fail. because if kaz brekker didn't kill them for trying, the wraith would. ]
Pekka Rollins, Tante Heleen, and Jan Van Eck have taken enough from us without robbing us of the right to be happy. We deserve more than just survival.
[ Her words are gentle but she isn't asking, something that he's actually a little grateful for. The touch that goes with her demand is feather light, her fingertips skimming along his jaw. There's both a coil of familiar disgust and a blooming warmth—enough to lift the most immediate dread.
Still, he can't stop himself from thinking I don't want to put you in the position again. Van Eck had dragged her through who knew what. There were things he's sure she spared him, knowing it would only add fuel to the fire. He knows it's not completely avoidable, that neither of them live a safe life. She just doesn't deserve to deal with more suffering, not after what she's been through. And if he can keep her from it, he will.
It does make him wonder how she's able to keep her head up and still remain so positive. She sounds sure that they'll get more, that they'll have happiness.
All he can think of right now is the possible noose he's tied around all their necks. ]
If we can get through this. [ He has a plan, naturally. But it's complicated. Something can always go wrong. Like all this stuff with Dunyasha. ]
[ it's said evenly, because they have. what was the city bearing down on them threatening to hang them alive compared to the menagerie, or pekka rollins murdering kaz's brother, or chaining matthias in hellgate, putting nina in chains and giving jesper a beat down once a week for his debt, or van eck pretending to love his son only to have him killed, or any of the other sins any of them have been through. a noose was the kindest thing ketterdam has attempted to do to them, in comparison to what the city has actually done. ]
We did not come this far to fail now.
[ so they will get through this. there was no other option.
she withdraws her hand, still not liking the defeatism, but he's at least having a conversation with her now rather than with whatever demons are lurking in the dark. the comment about her bandages causes a soft sigh (in exasperation, mostly) as she shrugs her shoulders a little. ]
She cuts deep. [ to kill, not to maim, and inej's tone is a little rueful as she leans over to tug her cut bandages into her lap. using the mirror will allow her to change them with only a little difficulty, and she twists a little to look at the bandages, tugging her shirt up just a bit to see. ] It won't take long to change.
[ In a way, it's true. He's survived the Queen Lady's plague and the aftermath, kept himself in one piece on the streets of Ketterdam, and ended up becoming one of the most feared names in the Barrel. Inej weathered her way through being stolen, serving at the Menagerie, Tante Heleen's cruelty, the Barrel, and Oomen's knife. They all have similar stories—Matthias with Hellgate, Nina and parem, Jesper and his debtors, Kuwei with the death of his father and basically the entire world looking for him. And of course, Wylan, whose own father they were up against. Who would rather see his son in a noose than to acknowledge he learns differently.
All of it feels worse. Has been worse. He just can't help that niggling voice in the back of his head, the one that sounds like his brother telling him he's dodged death too many times. This might be it.
He'll just have to make sure it isn't.
Inej looks down at her bandages and he lets himself inspect the same spots. It's a greedy thing, looking at her like this. He wants to remember every detail. ]
I can help you. [ The words are out of his mouth before he can stop himself. And for a brief moment it feels like all the air in the room has stilled. She'd said those words to him, years before, standing in her silks in the Menagerie. Those same words have been etched into his skin, stark against the pale underside of his wrist. ]
[ her eyes flicker toward him, meeting his gaze after he offers assistance. and she can't help but glance, for a split second, at his hands -- still without gloves, from when he was cleaning up. but he seems serious, at his offer of help. and he had hugged her. so this wouldn't be so bad.
she feels her own anxiety curl around her, almost tempted to tell him no. because he would be invading her space, and touching her in a way that she hadn't been (or, rather, allowed) touched in a long time. but this was kaz. he would never hurt her, or take advantage of her.
[ He catches the way her eyes drop to his bare hands and tries not to flex them out of a sense of self consciousness. She's seen his gloves stripped off before but this time is different. Charged from both of their pasts filling the empty space. Physical touch with Inej is both enticing and repulsive. A potent cocktail of years of want and years of remembering the bodies in the harbor.
Yet every piece of contact gives a sense of relief. Reassurance that she's here and alive.
There's a few beats of silence and while her expression doesn't change overly much, he can see the pinch of anxiousness around her eyes. Those ghosts of men invading her space without permission, rearing up in her memory.
Some of the tension breaks when she allows for it. Only some, because he feels like this is more risky than a fight in the Barrel. ]
I'll take care of them. [ I'll take care of you.
He pulls himself away from where he's leaned against the counter to step between her knees. His nerves feel like they're jangling as much as church bells, resonant and drowning out everything else. It had narrowed down to the two of them, closer than he thinks they've ever been. And it still felt like a daunting gulf—he didn't know where to start. Didn't know exactly where to look because like this, they were eye to eye, her gaze steady and warm as it always was. He felt transfixed, nervous that if he looked away, the moment would shatter. ]
[ she fell asleep tucked under his arm in the linen warehouse, exhausted and desperate for kindness upon getting back from van eck. but this is different, being so close, face to face, both of them undone.
she has an impulse, sudden, to dip forward to kiss him. she resists.
instead, she tilts her head a little, gaze still locked on his, as she lifts her arms a little, so he can start to undo it. and replace it with the new bandages, strewn on her lap. ]
The tie is along my back.
[ quietly, still watching him. still calm. he'll need to reach his arms around her to get to it, to untie it and undo it. but she doesn't ask him to move, letting him set whatever pace he deems necessary.
she has learned the hard way (mostly with that damn leg of his) that offering kaz brekker help when he's decided he can do it himself is only asking for a sour mood. or a swing of the cane, if you were anyone but inej. ]
[ At the tilt of her head, he has another set of conflicting choices. This one skimming so close to a dream, the kind where he's been brave enough to tip his chin down to kiss her. He wants it enough that it burns on the inside; a longing ache to the bone. His mouth is dry when she lifts her arms, allowing him to be closer to undo the bandage.
Carefully, he leans in, looping his arms up and around her ribs and making sure he touched her as little as possible. For both of their sakes. Light fingertips follow the line of the bandage to the knot—at this point, he's wholly in her space. If he angled his head down, he could kiss her neck. Drawing in a shaky breath, he works on undoing the tie, tugging lightly so he didn't aggravate her wound.
It finally loosens and he unravels the fabric slowly. The other end of it is pressed against her skin, close enough to the cut that he doesn't want to tug on it. If he wants to finish undoing it, he'll have to brush his fingers along her shoulder. Water felt like it was in his lungs, weighing his limbs down, paralyzing and suffocating in turn.
He could do this. She's alive, her eyes dark as a night sky, posture graceful and elegant as the acrobat she'd been born into.
Two fingers slide under the last of the bandage and he feels dizzy, nausea working its way up and fighting the brief buzz of cool relief. Dimly, he knew he was in the Geldrunner, helping Inej with her bandages. His vision blurred, though, and all he could see was the rock of Ketterdam's harbor. The unseeing eyes of those who passed in the plague. Jordie's too soft and waxen skin under his hands. ]
[ she can feel him struggling. that something from his past is interrupting his focus, and as his fingers brush against her shoulder, she draws in a quiet breath. the skin-to-skin contact feels . . . calming, for some reason. soothing, something that she's never associated with touch.
it's almost dizzying, the relief that she doesn't panic. or bolt, or shove him away, or find herself unable to breathe. if anything, she wants to lean forward, and wrap her arms around his waist, bury her face into his chest, to seek more comfort.
but she doesn't have time to think, or focus on it, because his breathing shifts. and though inej doesn't really know why, she can feel the tension vibrating off of him. ]
Kaz.
[ it's whispered, her tone quiet, and she shifts a hand to place along his ribs, fingers curling into his shirt a little, to try and keep him in the moment. her fingers press into his side a little -- not quite a jab, like in the prison wagon going into the ice court, but to prod him a little bit into realizing that they were here. ]
Stay with me. Hm?
[ and she tilts her head a little, to catch his gaze. ]
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no subject
Date: 2021-02-08 12:48 am (UTC)he is right, though. and she believes him when he says that there is no other alternative. something has to be done to control the barrel before pekka rollins came for all of their heads. but that thought just reinforces the steel in her spine. and, honestly, at the end of the day: ]
You're asking me to do something that I'm not capable of doing.
[ it's said quietly, but there's a distinct undercurrent of pleading to her tone, seeking him to understand. staying behind, or lurking in the shadows, is one thing. but leaving him to die is another.
she has heard stories, about people who lose their other halves. their destined bonded person. it's a horrifically lonely existence. like a piece of your soul is gone. and usually, when one dies, the other isn't far behind. either by their own hand or just by a broken heart.
whether or not they were true, inej has no idea. but she does know that she doesn't want to find out. ]
I can agree to trusting you to know what you are doing. [ in handling haskell on his own. ] And I can agree to telling the others to leave, to having an escape plan, but I will not leave you here to die. The answer is no.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-08 01:55 am (UTC)This, though, he can understand, even if it frustrates him. If their positions were reversed, he wouldn't be able to sit idly by either. Ever since they'd cleared the air on the Ferolind, he had the sharp paranoia that he was going to look down and the words on his wrist would blur, smudged like a hand over fresh ink.
It's still possible, considering the circumstances, but he is trying his best to get them out of this corner. ]
Give me until six bells at least. [ She's good at remaining hidden but he doesn't want her trying to intervene if things get ugly while he's at the Slat. But if he doesn't make it back, it's not like he can control what she'll do. ]
Tell me about this Dunyasha.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-08 04:59 pm (UTC)kaz doesn't need to know any of that, though, and she's relieved he changes the subject. mostly because while inej can lie through her teeth in order to survive, she's not good at hiding things from him. with the exception of her mark, which was really only hidden because kaz never bothered to ask her about it in the first place.
idiot. (though it's thought with affection.) ]
She wants me dead.
[ a little ruefully, as inej turns her attention back to the bandages, smoothing them along the counter so she can continue to stabilize her shoulder. ]
I cannot seem to hit her. She moves too quickly, and she can see every single strike that comes her way before it happens.
[ if dunyasha weren't determined to slit her throat, inej would probably find her a nice ally to have. maybe even a friend. unfortunate that they wound up on opposite sides, and dunyasha is set to remove inej's heart from her body.
inej frowns a little, at her reflection in the mirror. she looks tired, with dark circles under her eyes. new scars, and wounds. she never thought she would be wishing for something as basic and simple as a gang scrap, but kicking one of geels' men off the roof sounds like a vacation in comparison to the last month. ]
I am running out of lives to spare, and she knows that.
[ she murmurs, rearranging the bandages on the counter. ]
I need to end it, the next time we meet.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-09 02:15 am (UTC)Formidable, for sure. She must be good, if Inej is struggling to get in a cut. If she weren't so intent on trying to kill her, he'd consider seeing if he could sway her loyalties. Though ultimately, it might not worth it. Especially if she's one of those radicals or is too unpredictable. ]
Look for a tell. Everyone has one, even if it doesn't seem it.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-09 03:44 pm (UTC)What do you mean?
[ with a slight frown. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-09 04:51 pm (UTC)[ Small things he's had to watch out for. Not only from growing up in the Barrel and being relatively small but because of his leg, later. He needed to be able to try and predict how someone would move or what they'd do so he could have the advantage.
As he's gotten older, he's used information against people in the same way. Usually to stave off a fight—better to conserve energy where he could. And so he didn't have to show all his cards at once. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-09 05:25 pm (UTC)What is mine, then?
[ she asks, almost curious if he knows. he probably does, given he's the one who taught her how to fight. but inej so rarely gets hit that she hasn't ever really considered someone could predict her movement. dunyasha is clearly the exception to the rule. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-09 06:45 pm (UTC)Someone like Dunyasha, for example. ]
You square your shoulders like you're about to perform. As though waiting for the audience to notice.
[ No doubt carried over from her younger days of actually performing. But isn't a fight just another type of performance in some regard? It's not that out of place for her to do. Anyone else looking at her would probably have no idea where that little motion came from. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-10 01:10 am (UTC)and, yet, also annoying. ]
I do not.
[ but it's clear that she says it with a huff of faux annoyance, because inej is well aware that what kaz says is probably true. and she seems to forcibly allow her shoulders to relax . . . because she squares up when she's ready to argue, too.
so, just for a slight bit of revenge: ]
What is yours, then?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-10 01:37 am (UTC)That doesn't stop her from returning fire, so to speak. A banter he's grown both used to and grudgingly fond of. ]
Inej, I'm crippled. [ He says in mock exasperation, as if she wasn't aware. As if she hasn't been anticipating how his leg is going to feel from day to day for the last couple years.
More seriously though, he looks at her and holds her gaze. ]
They never look for anything else.
[ Which is to say: her. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-10 01:43 am (UTC)[ with a huff and a wave of her hand, before she moves to the counter, pushing herself up to sit on it neatly so she can actually bandage her wounds. and she tosses him a look, holding his gaze.
he's trying to tell her something, with that look. what it is, inej has no idea. not quite. ]
So what is it? [ as she tugs her stack of bandages closer to her thigh, so she can reach. ] Because you are far from a helpless cripple, no matter how much you exaggerate your limp in negotiations.
[ the fool. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-10 01:54 am (UTC)Or the thing he's been regretting since Van Eck snatched her away.
But he knows her too well—she's going to pursue it if he tries to evade her line of questioning. ]
You. [ A thing both relieving and frightening to say. He's never had such a lever to be used against him before. The touch, perhaps, but even he could grit his teeth through it if he saw it coming.
The thought of anything horrible happening to her just. Puts him completely off balance.
He leans against the sink, hands curled along the ledge of it, his gaze dropping towards the letter from the Gemensbank. ]
On Vellgeluk, Van Eck changed his mind because I looked at you first. [ He's turned it over and over since then, hating that he'd been so transparent. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-10 02:03 am (UTC)He changed his mind because he is a cheat, and he took me because I was the obvious choice.
[ a gentle correction, and a nudge that he shouldn't carry a burden for something that was outside of any of their controls. she scoots herself over a little bit, within touching distance, if only so she can gently brush her hand against the sleeve of his shirt, to get his attention.
and, more importantly, inej ducks her head a little to catch his gaze, with a slight smile. ]
You have enough stupid mistakes to take credit for without adding unnecessary ones to the pile.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-12 02:42 am (UTC)Still, he doesn't think it's as easy as Inej says—that he'd changed his mind because he thought her an easy target. Kaz had seen his face, had seen how his expression shifted with recognition when he'd followed his eyeline. After all, he'd announced that he'd take the whole group just a moment before. At least they would've been all together; power in numbers, even if Van Eck wouldn't think of it that way. He thought too much like the stadwatch, in nice orderly lines. ]
He changed his mind because I couldn't help myself. [ And then she'd gone through that horrifying ordeal, threatened to have her legs shattered. He turns his head to look at her, brows furrowed. ]
I was worried about you and showed my whole hand.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-12 02:05 pm (UTC)[ it's asked quietly, keeping his gaze, searching his features. because while van eck may have seen that kaz was worried about her, it didn't change the fact that inej kept the secrets of the dregs. even if kaz hadn't looked at her, inej would be the obvious choice, if van eck wanted to know where yuul was.
she wants to brush her fingers against his cheek, run her thumb along his cheekbone, to comfort him. but that feels like too much, like a string waiting to snap. so instead, she gently brushes her fingers against the sleeve of his shirt. ]
You deserve happiness.
[ it's said gently. ]
Part of that is showing that you care.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-14 12:50 am (UTC)Somehow, though, that boy from Lij had crawled up instead, worry and fear easily read by anyone looking. And he knows it would probably show again, if she were ever put in danger's path again. None of the logic works to assuage the anxiety—it doesn't matter that she can more than handle herself. He just wants her to be alright. To know she's doing fine. ]
Do I? [ It feels like all he's done lately is bring misery. There's a whole long line of it behind him too—Filip, Saskia, the fake bank clerks, and everyone else between him and Pekka Rollins. ]
Showing it is just going to get us in trouble again. I don't want to give them the option of using us as weapons against each other.
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Date: 2021-02-14 02:38 pm (UTC)Look at me.
[ it's said gently, as she reaches out with a hand to brush her fingers along his jaw, a light touch lifting his chin so he can truly meet her gaze. it's done without thinking, a need to get him to actually listen instead of letting himself dwell inside his head. ]
If they want to attempt to use us against each other, let them try. They will fail.
[ just like van eck did. just like pekka rollins will. they would get out of this mess, come hell or high water, and they would fail. because if kaz brekker didn't kill them for trying, the wraith would. ]
Pekka Rollins, Tante Heleen, and Jan Van Eck have taken enough from us without robbing us of the right to be happy. We deserve more than just survival.
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Date: 2021-02-14 05:04 pm (UTC)Still, he can't stop himself from thinking I don't want to put you in the position again. Van Eck had dragged her through who knew what. There were things he's sure she spared him, knowing it would only add fuel to the fire. He knows it's not completely avoidable, that neither of them live a safe life. She just doesn't deserve to deal with more suffering, not after what she's been through. And if he can keep her from it, he will.
It does make him wonder how she's able to keep her head up and still remain so positive. She sounds sure that they'll get more, that they'll have happiness.
All he can think of right now is the possible noose he's tied around all their necks. ]
If we can get through this. [ He has a plan, naturally. But it's complicated. Something can always go wrong. Like all this stuff with Dunyasha. ]
Your dressing's bled through.
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Date: 2021-02-14 05:21 pm (UTC)[ it's said evenly, because they have. what was the city bearing down on them threatening to hang them alive compared to the menagerie, or pekka rollins murdering kaz's brother, or chaining matthias in hellgate, putting nina in chains and giving jesper a beat down once a week for his debt, or van eck pretending to love his son only to have him killed, or any of the other sins any of them have been through. a noose was the kindest thing ketterdam has attempted to do to them, in comparison to what the city has actually done. ]
We did not come this far to fail now.
[ so they will get through this. there was no other option.
she withdraws her hand, still not liking the defeatism, but he's at least having a conversation with her now rather than with whatever demons are lurking in the dark. the comment about her bandages causes a soft sigh (in exasperation, mostly) as she shrugs her shoulders a little. ]
She cuts deep. [ to kill, not to maim, and inej's tone is a little rueful as she leans over to tug her cut bandages into her lap. using the mirror will allow her to change them with only a little difficulty, and she twists a little to look at the bandages, tugging her shirt up just a bit to see. ] It won't take long to change.
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Date: 2021-02-15 04:30 pm (UTC)All of it feels worse. Has been worse. He just can't help that niggling voice in the back of his head, the one that sounds like his brother telling him he's dodged death too many times. This might be it.
He'll just have to make sure it isn't.
Inej looks down at her bandages and he lets himself inspect the same spots. It's a greedy thing, looking at her like this. He wants to remember every detail. ]
I can help you. [ The words are out of his mouth before he can stop himself. And for a brief moment it feels like all the air in the room has stilled. She'd said those words to him, years before, standing in her silks in the Menagerie. Those same words have been etched into his skin, stark against the pale underside of his wrist. ]
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Date: 2021-02-15 11:21 pm (UTC)she feels her own anxiety curl around her, almost tempted to tell him no. because he would be invading her space, and touching her in a way that she hadn't been (or, rather, allowed) touched in a long time. but this was kaz. he would never hurt her, or take advantage of her.
so: ]
Alright.
[ as she offers the bandages in her lap to him. ]
I can take the old ones off, if you want.
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Date: 2021-02-16 10:41 pm (UTC)Yet every piece of contact gives a sense of relief. Reassurance that she's here and alive.
There's a few beats of silence and while her expression doesn't change overly much, he can see the pinch of anxiousness around her eyes. Those ghosts of men invading her space without permission, rearing up in her memory.
Some of the tension breaks when she allows for it. Only some, because he feels like this is more risky than a fight in the Barrel. ]
I'll take care of them. [ I'll take care of you.
He pulls himself away from where he's leaned against the counter to step between her knees. His nerves feel like they're jangling as much as church bells, resonant and drowning out everything else. It had narrowed down to the two of them, closer than he thinks they've ever been. And it still felt like a daunting gulf—he didn't know where to start. Didn't know exactly where to look because like this, they were eye to eye, her gaze steady and warm as it always was. He felt transfixed, nervous that if he looked away, the moment would shatter. ]
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Date: 2021-02-16 11:33 pm (UTC)she has an impulse, sudden, to dip forward to kiss him. she resists.
instead, she tilts her head a little, gaze still locked on his, as she lifts her arms a little, so he can start to undo it. and replace it with the new bandages, strewn on her lap. ]
The tie is along my back.
[ quietly, still watching him. still calm. he'll need to reach his arms around her to get to it, to untie it and undo it. but she doesn't ask him to move, letting him set whatever pace he deems necessary.
she has learned the hard way (mostly with that damn leg of his) that offering kaz brekker help when he's decided he can do it himself is only asking for a sour mood. or a swing of the cane, if you were anyone but inej. ]
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Date: 2021-02-17 07:12 am (UTC)Carefully, he leans in, looping his arms up and around her ribs and making sure he touched her as little as possible. For both of their sakes. Light fingertips follow the line of the bandage to the knot—at this point, he's wholly in her space. If he angled his head down, he could kiss her neck. Drawing in a shaky breath, he works on undoing the tie, tugging lightly so he didn't aggravate her wound.
It finally loosens and he unravels the fabric slowly. The other end of it is pressed against her skin, close enough to the cut that he doesn't want to tug on it. If he wants to finish undoing it, he'll have to brush his fingers along her shoulder. Water felt like it was in his lungs, weighing his limbs down, paralyzing and suffocating in turn.
He could do this. She's alive, her eyes dark as a night sky, posture graceful and elegant as the acrobat she'd been born into.
Two fingers slide under the last of the bandage and he feels dizzy, nausea working its way up and fighting the brief buzz of cool relief. Dimly, he knew he was in the Geldrunner, helping Inej with her bandages. His vision blurred, though, and all he could see was the rock of Ketterdam's harbor. The unseeing eyes of those who passed in the plague. Jordie's too soft and waxen skin under his hands. ]
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Date: 2021-02-19 05:47 pm (UTC)it's almost dizzying, the relief that she doesn't panic. or bolt, or shove him away, or find herself unable to breathe. if anything, she wants to lean forward, and wrap her arms around his waist, bury her face into his chest, to seek more comfort.
but she doesn't have time to think, or focus on it, because his breathing shifts. and though inej doesn't really know why, she can feel the tension vibrating off of him. ]
Kaz.
[ it's whispered, her tone quiet, and she shifts a hand to place along his ribs, fingers curling into his shirt a little, to try and keep him in the moment. her fingers press into his side a little -- not quite a jab, like in the prison wagon going into the ice court, but to prod him a little bit into realizing that they were here. ]
Stay with me. Hm?
[ and she tilts her head a little, to catch his gaze. ]
Are you okay?
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