[ The past few hours have been a blur. He's see-sawed between rage and anxiety, the latter settling in more once he'd stopped seeing red.
Earlier, he could've just pitched Oomen off the ship. Just left him to swim back where he could—it was a relatively fitting punishment. There was no guarantee he would make it back to shore, after all, not if he was a weak swimmer. But that hadn't been enough for him then. Not for what he'd done, nearly gutting Inej. Every fear he had over losing people in uncontrollable situations had crawled up from his chest when he'd carried her onto the ship, her wound soaking through both of their shirts.
And then he'd sharpened that bitter tang of terror into cold anger, taking it out on Oomen, divesting him of his eye just to make him feel a flicker of what he'd done.
Inej will be disappointed when she hears about it, he knows. When, not if. Because she'll make it through, she has to. This isn't how she deserves to go. Not when he still doesn't know what to apologize for. Which slight or jibe it was, what action he'd done to upset her. There were so many, too many, he doesn't know where to even start. Regret sits in his chest like a stone, seeping outwards to weigh down his shoulders. He's spent the last few hours staring out onto the ocean feeling vaguely defeated and annoyed about Nina having thrown him out of the room they'd put Inej up in.
Eventually, though, Nina comes up out of the cabin and joins them topside. To stretch and get some fresh air, a bite to eat. Kaz uses the opportunity to slink down to Inej, silent as he can be when he takes up a seat in the corner. Just to make sure she's still breathing.
(And to fetch Nina, in case she stops).
The dark room gives his head even more space to think and overthink. Maybe it's the proximity to her; he's remembering all too well how limp she'd been in his arms. How pale she'd looked. The last time he'd tasted fear like that had been—no, there isn't enough space for that shame. For a moment, it feels claustrophobic, the past colliding with the present.
Inej moves then, partially turning to her side and then letting out a slow, probably pained, breath. ]
[ the sound of his voice causes her to blink her eyes open again, the raspiness of her name causing a tug of her consciousness to the present. her first thought is that she should ignore him; the second is feeling surprised that he's even here at all.
she's half tempted to just pretend she's asleep, but the pain in her side is growing by the moment, and inej knows she should probably return to lying on her back. or at least rolling to face him.
inej elects to remain facing the wall. ]
Kaz.
[ her voice feels pathetically weak and soft, her throat dry. idly wishing that she could just pass out again and avoid talking with him, but the saints have something else to do with her, it seems. ]
[ When she responds, her voice is soft enough he almost doesn't hear it over the persistent lap of water against the ship. It's another indication she's too weak from her injury; he should just leave her be so she can rest. He won't, though. At least not until Nina gets back. They've passed the scariest part and she isn't bleeding all over. But she lost a lot of blood in the process, things could still go sideways.
He clenches a hand around the cane in his lap, feeling another bubble of anger. Damn Oomen. Damn the Black Tips. Damn the whole Barrel. ]
[ she isn't entirely sure what about the comment go back to sleep causes an aggravated curl of frustration to settle in her stomach. no comment asking if she was alright. he was likely only here to make sure she didn't die so they could still pull off the asinine job she was stupid enough to agree to in the first place.
so inej exhales slowly, rolling back onto her back, letting her eyes close to let the pain wash over her and settle. the pain didn't bother her; it was a reminder that she was alive. ]
I can sleep when I am dead.
[ it's said quietly, in an exhale, before inej presses her palms into the sheets, shifting her weight to push herself up into sitting. it's a slow movement, her hair falling around her shoulders as one arm loops around her middle. someone had undone her hair and taken off her shoes, changed her shirt, removed her knives - nina, probably.
she feels a little dizzy, but bearable. doable. she could probably get up, if she wanted to, but probably best to not. the sound of the waves is soothing, to a point. ]
[ Stubborn, so stubborn. It's the trait that makes them both as terrifying as they are.
It's also thing that consistently puts them at odds with each other. She should be resting, getting her strength back after being stabbed. Instead, she's propping herself up slowly, the pain clear in her careful motions. There's no familiar fluidity. He wishes he could appreciate her hair being undone more but, all he can think about is how she might open her wound again. ]
Minor injuries, nothing a few days won't erase. [ Not like hers, something that might still kill her. He gives his cane another squeeze, glad for the long shadows hiding his expression. ]
[ her shoulders relax half an inch, at the news everyone else is fine. jesper was used to handling his own in a fight, and nina could make anyone in her path quite literally drop dead. but wylan, with his soft hands and delicate features, who really didn't belong in the barrel whatsoever -- she is relieved to hear that he is okay.
she draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. she tests her legs, rolling her ankles loosely before swinging her feet off of the bed, letting her legs dangle off the edge. the movement hurts, and she still feels so cold, but figuring out what is working and what isn't is helping her keep focus.
so far, her legs are fine, albeit bruised. her back aches, likely from oomen slamming her into the crates as he ran in knife into her side. her shoulder burns, and her right knee has an odd twinge to it. the product of ramming it into oomen's worthless gut, probably.
if jesper or kaz didn't get to oomen first, he had best count his blessings. infuriating. ]
I do not need a babysitter.
[ she says finally, rolling her right wrist once before removing her arm from her middle, to roll her other one. curling and uncurling her fingers, forcing her blood to circulate, so she can feel warmer.
her energy is already almost gone. falling back asleep is probably the next thing on her agenda. but she's alive, which is what matters. that's the most important thing. ]
[ She sits up fully, going so far as to swing her legs over the edge of the small bed. Methodically, she's testing her limbs, checking for extra breaks or discomfort. He just watches her silently, stifled by the quiet and by that niggling fear sitting at the back of his throat. It annoys him, that it's even there. Annoyed that it's been circling through his mind for days, the what ifs of her not making it.
He kept asking himself if he'd miss her or if he'd miss the routine they'd built. Her feeding crows at his windowsill, their chats into the night about one job or the other. His mind couldn't come to a consensus; missing Inej and the routine were simply one and the same. And he hated it, hated feeling this mixed up about something that should be so easy to move past. Because she's the Wraith, she knows the risks. Knew what this job would be when she agreed. He should know better as well—distractions would only get them all killed. Normally, he didn't have that problem, always focused on the task at hand.
But with Inej...it's different. Distracting to an uncomfortable degree. Even now, he thinks about walking over and giving her his coat. Or holding her steady while she worked out stiff muscles.
Laughable, since he isn't even sure he could touch her with the gloves on. ]
[ the comment causes her fingers to curl into fists, her nails digging neatly into her palms, the normal bite of them dulled by the roughness of her hands.
you almost died. obviously, but she survived. she felt alive, something she almost says with a biting thank you for asking tacked on to the end.
it's rare, really, that inej feels angry. she typically reacts with a quiet calmness to all things. and perhaps surprising, to some people, but her anger runs red hot. a sudden slither of electricity running down her spine, causing it to straighten, and before inej can really stop herself: ]
I am giving you the opportunity to leave this room with full possession of your teeth, Kaz Brekker.
[ it sounds somewhat soft, and entirely unlikely, given she isn't even sure if she can stand. but though the words are soft and somewhat raspy, it's also clear that inej is certain she could cross the room in an instant, if she really had to.
she has to pause, for a moment, to collect the breath necessary to keep speaking, but she does so, her voice still quiet, but piercing the air of the cabin with a whispered clarity. ]
I know that you rarely listen to advice intended to keep your head attached to your shoulders, but I suggest you take it.
[ He's grown so used to her silence and her reactions that he feels the tension spike in the room. It holds for a few moments and shifts, minutely.
Then she sits up and threatens to pop him right in the face. It shouldn't be worrisome, considering she looks slightly unsteady from all the blood loss. Yet he finds himself pausing, a splinter of anxiety working its way in.
He swallows it, like usual. ]
I'll leave when Nina's back. [ Because hell if he's going to leave her to her own devices. Despite how much he hates being in here, seeing her like this. Getting that sense of dread that crawls up his spine when he's near a sick bed.
Neither he nor Jordie had gotten one, not in the streets of Ketterdam, but it's the symbol of it. ]
[ the repetition of his condition, that he'll leave when nina comes back, only causes her lips to press together into a thin line. it's hard to see him, in the flickering dark of the cabin that he has apparently put her in.
she should let it go. it was pointless to argue, and it was equally pointless to open her wound over his incompetence. but how many times has she just let it go. how many times has he degraded her, and inej has kept her mouth shut. know your place, inej. we just need your skills, not you, inej. i have to protect my investment, inej.
had anyone else in the slat dared to say something so offensive to her, inej would have clocked them in the face. but not him. she has always just let it go, and moved on.
that bubble of anger resting in her throat finally pops. ]
Why? So you can ensure your investment is still breathing? Or, so when I do drop dead, you have enough time to replace me?
[ it's said coldly, her voice still a faint whisper. and she loops her arms around her middle, to assist in holding herself up, one hand finding the bandaging against her wound. still dry, not bleeding through. ]
I have had my fill of men who use me and throw me aside when they have had their fill; I do not need it from you. So you have what you want; I am alive, and capable of doing what I need to do in order to pay my debt and relieve you of your burden.
[ and she scoots herself forward a little, so that her feet hit the floor of the ship. she sways for half a moment, removing one arm from her middle to catch the bed to stabilize herself, but she grits her teeth, stubbornly moving to the door. ]
I will find my own room, keep this one for yourself and your insufferable ego.
[ The air is heavy after he repeats that he'll stay. Tension draws out, syrupy between the two of them. They've had it out before, with things like this, but there's usually been a compromise. Or she'll drop it. Or he'll have some place to be.
This time is different, all their jagged edges dragging against each other. When she starts off, her voice is quiet but it fills the room. He feels—nothing, at first. Surprise, faintly.
But she keeps going and his ears feel like they're ringing, shame and grief and anger rising up like a tide, ready to pull him under. Here's the other shoe drop he's been holding his breath on. The one where she's finally figured out she's better than him in every regard. Better and deserving of so much more. The past couple years have been hurtling towards this, despite him warning her of what he was.
He's surprised to find out how much it stings. But if this is what it takes to let her go, then maybe it's worth it. ]
Don't. [ It comes out rougher than he intends, as he pushes himself up out of the chair. She really needs to not be moving about so early. And he needs to not be here, as she clearly is intent on being out of his space. Being closer to the door and less injured, he makes it there before her, even with his hobble. He pauses by the doorway, thoughts jumbled.
[ oh, he is truly deciding to test her today, in standing between her and the doorway. she is about to whip around to make good on her promise to remove his teeth when he decides to continue. and says . . . really, nothing useful at all. ]
Then tell me why you did.
[ she says, her tone clipped, her arms wrapping around her middle again. refusing to back down, or return to the bed, feet finding balance on the slightly swaying ship floor. her vision is starting to blur a bit at the edges, but inej continues to talk, fingers digging into her side a little.
the pain causes her vision to clear, just a bit. ]
Because I would rather you have left me on the dock to die than live another day being treated as a pile of kruge waiting to be earned.
[ Because I can't stand the thought of you dead hovers at the back of his throat. He hates it as much as he doesn't want to let it go. Doesn't want to let her go. And he's sure, even with all of the anger that had burned its way to the surface, that the rest had seen it. That desperate panic as he carried Inej onto the ship, feeling both heavy and far too light.
No amount of murder or fleecing of pigeons could stop it from showing on his face. That stupid boy that drowned in the harbor had floated to the surface and he hadn't the mind to push it away.
So, he could let it spill out. But he can't. He names other good reasons instead: ]
I want you to find your family again. To do this last job and pay off that contract, be free to do whatever you want, whenever. To finally give Tante Heleen what she's due.
[ her brow furrows slightly, at his response. an improvement, obviously, over what he had been saying over the last two days. the mention of her family causes what feels like cold fingers to curl around her heart; her father and mother, who probably think she is long since dead. or worse.
but he is still hiding something. inej is fairly certain she knows what it is, the unbelievable emotionally inept moron not wanting to string the two obvious points together, for what? fear? his stupid image falling apart? ]
'Per Haskell runs the Dregs.'
[ it's said quietly, but there is still a cold edge to her tone, as she stares at him, an arm still looped around her middle, her other hand finding the bed so she can have an additional point of stability to hold herself up. ]
Do you know how often I held my breath, whenever some vile monster rented me for the evening, wishing they would just not speak? I had a plan to jump off the roof, rather than be taken and bound to some disgusting man who couldn't keep his hands to himself.
[ saints, she feels tired. but for once, she wants to keep talking, because if kaz brekker was going to deny her honesty, then she certainly wasn't going to deny herself the same. ]
And then you showed up. And you said it. And I thought that maybe I would have the ounce of kindness that I was owed. And I have said nothing because if someone was going to love me, they were going to do so free of obligation. And you told me I was nothing more than an investment.
[ the word catches in her throat, and she draws in a shuddered breath before sinking down to sit on the floor, to rest her back against the bed, closing her eyes to focus on taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
now her side and her head hurt. ]
Just go.
[ she murmurs, aggravated as she tugs her shirt up a bit to look at her bandages, to ensure they haven't bled through. ]
I have been humiliated enough by Oomen to suffer through it twice with you.
[ There's an answer to this. A solution, if it could be called that. It's sitting, expectant, at the back of his mind. Like a deck of cards face down, waiting for the first one to be slid from the top.
He knows what's under there, especially as she says the words that are undoubtedly scrawled across her wrist. But just like the truth laid bare paralyzes him, so does that answer. How does he tell her about the fear? About the shame that's always one glove away from bubbling to the surface?
Or about how even though he knows she's capable, that he can't bear the idea of losing her. Losing it all, again. He can't let himself even hope for it, not like he'd done with Jordie. When he'd been young and stupid, believing his older brother, believing Jakob Hertzoon.
And yet, isn't this self-fulfilling? He'd called her an investment, whittling down her entire person to a tool, a contract to be paid and nothing more. That alone is pushing her away and he has no one to blame but himself. It should make him happy, that he's set fire to this bridge. That'll just make it easier for them both when she inevitably leaves. ]
I can't be that for you.
[ The words are ash in his mouth, but it's the closest approximation of the truth. Damn the script on their wrists; it means nothing. It's a mistake. She wants someone who's willing to bare part of themselves, someone who can easily say she's a person they care about.
It's dark but his expression shutters as much as hers. ]
I'll send Nina down. [ He leaves her alone, feeling hollowed out. ]
[ she remains seated on the floor, letting his words wash over her with a heavy weight in her chest. and she is silent and still, until nina comes down and immediately asks what she's doing out of bed. after inej (somewhat predictably, she is sure) doesn't answer the question, she does quietly tell nina that she doesn't think she can stand. and so nina has to go and fetch jesper to lift her up to get back into bed in the first place, something that inej loathes.
she does allow jesper to hug her, though, once she's seated back on the bed, though she doesn't return it. it feels good, but it sparks an odd weight in her throat that she hasn't felt in some time.
it isn't until jesper leaves nina to check her wound that inej realizes she wants to cry.
she manages to keep it together, though comes perilously close when nina demands of her how kaz could just leave her on the floor and not help him up herself. part of her almost makes an excuse for him, but inej chooses to remain quiet instead, as nina checks her wound and carefully mends what has tore a bit free, rebandaging the wound and ordering her back to bed. she's tucked back in, with nina gently brushing back her hair. the motion is soothing enough that she's lulled to sleep.
hours later, inej wakes up to nina asleep in a makeshift cot in the corner, with no sign of kaz. she feels hazy, still, but slightly better, after the food and water nina forced her to take in. so she pushes herself up onto her feet, silently padding out of the room in her bare feet to make her way to the deck.
the spray of the sea feels . . . invigorating, and she takes a moment to draw in a deep breath. she should go back and find her shoes, but the effort feels like too much. so instead she carefully makes her way across the deck, until she sees a familiar silhouette by a stack of rope.
part of her wants to turn around and ignore him. but the other part of her decides to move forward, to silently sit herself on top of a pile of rope, looping her arms around her middle. she doesn't bother announcing her presence; kaz always knows when she's around.
instead: ]
You still need to apologize.
[ as she turns her gaze to the water, murky in the darkness. ]
[ Realistically, he should be thinking about the plan. Fjerda and its impenetrable Ice Court are only a handful of days away and he has to make sure every piece is committed to memory. Matthias had gone over the floor plan earlier, pointing out the layers so they could label them on the map. Wylan has been hard at work drafting up sketches of the gate mechanisms, drawings Kaz wants to remember just in case.
And really, it's not like he hasn't been working on the plan. He's been disseminating information to the group, divvying out who was going where at what times. It's just—when he isn't and he's left to his own devices, his mind is in complete disarray. It loops around and around to Inej's words, to the choking fear, to the sheer idiocy for leaving her to sit on the floor.
He's staring out at the ocean, the water dark and relatively calm. On some level, it makes him want to scream. Why should it be so placid when he feels the way he does? Like she'd driven one of her daggers straight into the softest parts and now they threatened to bleed all over.
Get a grip. He can't fall apart, not with everything that's at stake. This job will set them all free in some manner. Jesper from his debts, Inej from her contract, Nina and Matthias from the mistake that had put him in Hellgate. And for him, it put him several steps closer to ending Pekka Rollins for good. To burying him, like he hadn't been able to for Jordie.
Hands clenched on the ship ledge, he bows his head, staring at the way the lamp light flickers across the leather. There's an itch, then, between his shoulder blades. The one that tells him Inej is nearby, bringing her silence with her. ]
"I can help you." [ The first words she'd ever said, imprinted on his skin. He's tried denying it, thinking it could be the dozens of people who have said the same. Somehow, he knew that wasn't the case and she'd confirmed it. ]
[ He can feel her weighing the words, deciding just what to do with them. They're not sufficient, not for all he's dragged her through. For every time he's insinuated or flat out said there was anyone else who could replace her.
Because there isn't. It's that simple. ]
I didn't— [ Didn't what? Mean to make her feel like she was something to be used? The intent hardly matters. ]
Sorry.
[ It comes out low, head still tipped down, as though he's testing the words first. Then he straightens, turning his gaze to hers. ] I'm sorry.
[ the words have an immediate effect, the tension releasing from her shoulders a tad. she looks ridiculous, she's certain - an ill-fitting shirt, her hair down and ruffled by the wind, with no shoes and a bandaged midsection.
but kaz brekker had just apologized to her, so inej imagines that makes her the scariest thing in the barrel. probably, anyway. ]
If you ever call me something like that again, you will join Oomen at the bottom of the sea.
[ it's said crisply, jawline set - she doesn't say whether she accepts the apology or not, because it really does not matter. he had apologized; whether she accepts it depends on him, not her.
but once she says that, she leans her back against the pile of ropes she's half-perched on, tone shifting from firm to one of mild exasperation. ]
[ Honestly, he doesn't doubt it. Inej was small, smaller than most everyone, but she was still the Wraith. Which probably made her the only person in the Barrel that could truly off him, if she really wanted to.
He's not sure it would be a bad way to go.
So he doesn't object, just lets the words sink in. Though he does have an argument for what he'd done to Oomen. Something he knew would make it to her eventually. ]
He stabbed you and gloated about it. [ There was no way he could've let that go. ]
[ ah. jesper had left the second part out. she supposes that makes a bit more sense, though she still clicks her tongue in disapproval as she turns to look at the water. still unnecessary, and foolish, considering oomen could have just been pitched overboard.
she does, notably, let it go.
instead, she exhales slowly. ]
You are wrong, about not being able to give me "that."
[ she says after a moment of thought, fingers gently rubbing her bandages. the cold feels so good on her skin. the chill of feeling alive, versus the chill of death. ]
And you are also assuming what "that" means to me.
[ Really, he's not so sure, even if she is. In comparison, he feels emotionally unavailable—after all, how much had he hurt her with his words up until this point. Some had been on purpose. The rest, done with callous obliviousness.
How much more could she stand? A person's patience only ran so far and he'd clearly reached the end of hers in that room belowdecks. ]
What did you think I meant? [ Because as far as he's concerned, it was everything. Even if she didn't expect anything past holding hands, he doesn't think he can even do that. ]
I want a partner. Or a best friend. Or someone that I can rely on to try and protect me as much as I want to protect them. I could care less if it becomes anything more, or less, than that.
[ she responds blithely, ignoring his (useless) question, because if he thought for roughly ten seconds, he would realize that inej cringes at being hugged, too. because she isn't stupid, and she knows he avoids touch. why, inej has no idea. she doubts she ever will know, at the rate they are going.
so, instead of forcing whatever ugly thought had wormed its way into his head out, inej focuses on herself, turning her gaze back to the ocean with a slight frown. she isn't angry, anymore. just tired. ]
And I thought I already had that, which is why I was so angry.
He isn't sure why he'd worked himself up so much. Maybe it was the fear of expectation, the things he knows he's seen others do. And while he knows, intrinsically, that Inej had similar issues with touch, he also knows she's been working through it in tiny increments. She doesn't flinch nearly as much as she used to, when Jes slings an arm around her shoulders. And he's always stood on the periphery, simultaneously envious and knowing he couldn't do the same.
Sometimes, it still eats at him, when he least expects.
But what she expects is...different, sort of. A continuation of the way they'd been going, before he'd fucked up. Because he can't think of anyone else he'd rather spend so much time with. Whether it was talking over a job or sitting in comfortable silence while he did numbers and she fed the crows. ]
Alright. [ For the first time in a few days, some of the tension he'd been holding onto uncoils, releasing its grip on his lungs. He lifts one hand, flexing his wrist to look at the dark lines neatly printed on his skin. Was there something to this? Most of him still thinks it must be some kind of mistake. Why would the world pair him with anyone? ]
Since day one, yeah? [ That she's known. The phrase had been so unique, there couldn't have been any doubt. ]
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Date: 2021-01-29 12:55 am (UTC)Earlier, he could've just pitched Oomen off the ship. Just left him to swim back where he could—it was a relatively fitting punishment. There was no guarantee he would make it back to shore, after all, not if he was a weak swimmer. But that hadn't been enough for him then. Not for what he'd done, nearly gutting Inej. Every fear he had over losing people in uncontrollable situations had crawled up from his chest when he'd carried her onto the ship, her wound soaking through both of their shirts.
And then he'd sharpened that bitter tang of terror into cold anger, taking it out on Oomen, divesting him of his eye just to make him feel a flicker of what he'd done.
Inej will be disappointed when she hears about it, he knows. When, not if. Because she'll make it through, she has to. This isn't how she deserves to go. Not when he still doesn't know what to apologize for. Which slight or jibe it was, what action he'd done to upset her. There were so many, too many, he doesn't know where to even start. Regret sits in his chest like a stone, seeping outwards to weigh down his shoulders. He's spent the last few hours staring out onto the ocean feeling vaguely defeated and annoyed about Nina having thrown him out of the room they'd put Inej up in.
Eventually, though, Nina comes up out of the cabin and joins them topside. To stretch and get some fresh air, a bite to eat. Kaz uses the opportunity to slink down to Inej, silent as he can be when he takes up a seat in the corner. Just to make sure she's still breathing.
(And to fetch Nina, in case she stops).
The dark room gives his head even more space to think and overthink. Maybe it's the proximity to her; he's remembering all too well how limp she'd been in his arms. How pale she'd looked. The last time he'd tasted fear like that had been—no, there isn't enough space for that shame. For a moment, it feels claustrophobic, the past colliding with the present.
Inej moves then, partially turning to her side and then letting out a slow, probably pained, breath. ]
Inej?
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Date: 2021-01-29 02:23 am (UTC)she's half tempted to just pretend she's asleep, but the pain in her side is growing by the moment, and inej knows she should probably return to lying on her back. or at least rolling to face him.
inej elects to remain facing the wall. ]
Kaz.
[ her voice feels pathetically weak and soft, her throat dry. idly wishing that she could just pass out again and avoid talking with him, but the saints have something else to do with her, it seems. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 01:58 pm (UTC)He clenches a hand around the cane in his lap, feeling another bubble of anger. Damn Oomen. Damn the Black Tips. Damn the whole Barrel. ]
Nina will be down again soon. Go back to sleep.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 02:23 pm (UTC)so inej exhales slowly, rolling back onto her back, letting her eyes close to let the pain wash over her and settle. the pain didn't bother her; it was a reminder that she was alive. ]
I can sleep when I am dead.
[ it's said quietly, in an exhale, before inej presses her palms into the sheets, shifting her weight to push herself up into sitting. it's a slow movement, her hair falling around her shoulders as one arm loops around her middle. someone had undone her hair and taken off her shoes, changed her shirt, removed her knives - nina, probably.
she feels a little dizzy, but bearable. doable. she could probably get up, if she wanted to, but probably best to not. the sound of the waves is soothing, to a point. ]
Did everyone else make it?
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 04:13 pm (UTC)It's also thing that consistently puts them at odds with each other. She should be resting, getting her strength back after being stabbed. Instead, she's propping herself up slowly, the pain clear in her careful motions. There's no familiar fluidity. He wishes he could appreciate her hair being undone more but, all he can think about is how she might open her wound again. ]
Minor injuries, nothing a few days won't erase. [ Not like hers, something that might still kill her. He gives his cane another squeeze, glad for the long shadows hiding his expression. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 04:33 pm (UTC)she draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. she tests her legs, rolling her ankles loosely before swinging her feet off of the bed, letting her legs dangle off the edge. the movement hurts, and she still feels so cold, but figuring out what is working and what isn't is helping her keep focus.
so far, her legs are fine, albeit bruised. her back aches, likely from oomen slamming her into the crates as he ran in knife into her side. her shoulder burns, and her right knee has an odd twinge to it. the product of ramming it into oomen's worthless gut, probably.
if jesper or kaz didn't get to oomen first, he had best count his blessings. infuriating. ]
I do not need a babysitter.
[ she says finally, rolling her right wrist once before removing her arm from her middle, to roll her other one. curling and uncurling her fingers, forcing her blood to circulate, so she can feel warmer.
her energy is already almost gone. falling back asleep is probably the next thing on her agenda. but she's alive, which is what matters. that's the most important thing. ]
You can go.
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Date: 2021-01-29 05:52 pm (UTC)He kept asking himself if he'd miss her or if he'd miss the routine they'd built. Her feeding crows at his windowsill, their chats into the night about one job or the other. His mind couldn't come to a consensus; missing Inej and the routine were simply one and the same. And he hated it, hated feeling this mixed up about something that should be so easy to move past. Because she's the Wraith, she knows the risks. Knew what this job would be when she agreed. He should know better as well—distractions would only get them all killed. Normally, he didn't have that problem, always focused on the task at hand.
But with Inej...it's different. Distracting to an uncomfortable degree. Even now, he thinks about walking over and giving her his coat. Or holding her steady while she worked out stiff muscles.
Laughable, since he isn't even sure he could touch her with the gloves on. ]
You almost died. I'll go when Nina's back.
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Date: 2021-01-29 06:03 pm (UTC)you almost died. obviously, but she survived. she felt alive, something she almost says with a biting thank you for asking tacked on to the end.
it's rare, really, that inej feels angry. she typically reacts with a quiet calmness to all things. and perhaps surprising, to some people, but her anger runs red hot. a sudden slither of electricity running down her spine, causing it to straighten, and before inej can really stop herself: ]
I am giving you the opportunity to leave this room with full possession of your teeth, Kaz Brekker.
[ it sounds somewhat soft, and entirely unlikely, given she isn't even sure if she can stand. but though the words are soft and somewhat raspy, it's also clear that inej is certain she could cross the room in an instant, if she really had to.
she has to pause, for a moment, to collect the breath necessary to keep speaking, but she does so, her voice still quiet, but piercing the air of the cabin with a whispered clarity. ]
I know that you rarely listen to advice intended to keep your head attached to your shoulders, but I suggest you take it.
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Date: 2021-01-29 07:31 pm (UTC)Then she sits up and threatens to pop him right in the face. It shouldn't be worrisome, considering she looks slightly unsteady from all the blood loss. Yet he finds himself pausing, a splinter of anxiety working its way in.
He swallows it, like usual. ]
I'll leave when Nina's back. [ Because hell if he's going to leave her to her own devices. Despite how much he hates being in here, seeing her like this. Getting that sense of dread that crawls up his spine when he's near a sick bed.
Neither he nor Jordie had gotten one, not in the streets of Ketterdam, but it's the symbol of it. ]
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Date: 2021-01-29 08:00 pm (UTC)she should let it go. it was pointless to argue, and it was equally pointless to open her wound over his incompetence. but how many times has she just let it go. how many times has he degraded her, and inej has kept her mouth shut. know your place, inej. we just need your skills, not you, inej. i have to protect my investment, inej.
had anyone else in the slat dared to say something so offensive to her, inej would have clocked them in the face. but not him. she has always just let it go, and moved on.
that bubble of anger resting in her throat finally pops. ]
Why? So you can ensure your investment is still breathing? Or, so when I do drop dead, you have enough time to replace me?
[ it's said coldly, her voice still a faint whisper. and she loops her arms around her middle, to assist in holding herself up, one hand finding the bandaging against her wound. still dry, not bleeding through. ]
I have had my fill of men who use me and throw me aside when they have had their fill; I do not need it from you. So you have what you want; I am alive, and capable of doing what I need to do in order to pay my debt and relieve you of your burden.
[ and she scoots herself forward a little, so that her feet hit the floor of the ship. she sways for half a moment, removing one arm from her middle to catch the bed to stabilize herself, but she grits her teeth, stubbornly moving to the door. ]
I will find my own room, keep this one for yourself and your insufferable ego.
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Date: 2021-01-29 09:45 pm (UTC)This time is different, all their jagged edges dragging against each other. When she starts off, her voice is quiet but it fills the room. He feels—nothing, at first. Surprise, faintly.
But she keeps going and his ears feel like they're ringing, shame and grief and anger rising up like a tide, ready to pull him under. Here's the other shoe drop he's been holding his breath on. The one where she's finally figured out she's better than him in every regard. Better and deserving of so much more. The past couple years have been hurtling towards this, despite him warning her of what he was.
He's surprised to find out how much it stings. But if this is what it takes to let her go, then maybe it's worth it. ]
Don't. [ It comes out rougher than he intends, as he pushes himself up out of the chair. She really needs to not be moving about so early. And he needs to not be here, as she clearly is intent on being out of his space. Being closer to the door and less injured, he makes it there before her, even with his hobble. He pauses by the doorway, thoughts jumbled.
Her questions, though, deserve some answer. ]
I didn't save you for the contract or the job.
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Date: 2021-01-29 09:54 pm (UTC)Then tell me why you did.
[ she says, her tone clipped, her arms wrapping around her middle again. refusing to back down, or return to the bed, feet finding balance on the slightly swaying ship floor. her vision is starting to blur a bit at the edges, but inej continues to talk, fingers digging into her side a little.
the pain causes her vision to clear, just a bit. ]
Because I would rather you have left me on the dock to die than live another day being treated as a pile of kruge waiting to be earned.
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Date: 2021-01-29 10:04 pm (UTC)No amount of murder or fleecing of pigeons could stop it from showing on his face. That stupid boy that drowned in the harbor had floated to the surface and he hadn't the mind to push it away.
So, he could let it spill out. But he can't. He names other good reasons instead: ]
I want you to find your family again. To do this last job and pay off that contract, be free to do whatever you want, whenever. To finally give Tante Heleen what she's due.
[ No one else should be allowed to. ]
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Date: 2021-01-29 10:29 pm (UTC)but he is still hiding something. inej is fairly certain she knows what it is, the unbelievable emotionally inept moron not wanting to string the two obvious points together, for what? fear? his stupid image falling apart? ]
'Per Haskell runs the Dregs.'
[ it's said quietly, but there is still a cold edge to her tone, as she stares at him, an arm still looped around her middle, her other hand finding the bed so she can have an additional point of stability to hold herself up. ]
Do you know how often I held my breath, whenever some vile monster rented me for the evening, wishing they would just not speak? I had a plan to jump off the roof, rather than be taken and bound to some disgusting man who couldn't keep his hands to himself.
[ saints, she feels tired. but for once, she wants to keep talking, because if kaz brekker was going to deny her honesty, then she certainly wasn't going to deny herself the same. ]
And then you showed up. And you said it. And I thought that maybe I would have the ounce of kindness that I was owed. And I have said nothing because if someone was going to love me, they were going to do so free of obligation. And you told me I was nothing more than an investment.
[ the word catches in her throat, and she draws in a shuddered breath before sinking down to sit on the floor, to rest her back against the bed, closing her eyes to focus on taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
now her side and her head hurt. ]
Just go.
[ she murmurs, aggravated as she tugs her shirt up a bit to look at her bandages, to ensure they haven't bled through. ]
I have been humiliated enough by Oomen to suffer through it twice with you.
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Date: 2021-01-29 11:29 pm (UTC)He knows what's under there, especially as she says the words that are undoubtedly scrawled across her wrist. But just like the truth laid bare paralyzes him, so does that answer. How does he tell her about the fear? About the shame that's always one glove away from bubbling to the surface?
Or about how even though he knows she's capable, that he can't bear the idea of losing her. Losing it all, again. He can't let himself even hope for it, not like he'd done with Jordie. When he'd been young and stupid, believing his older brother, believing Jakob Hertzoon.
And yet, isn't this self-fulfilling? He'd called her an investment, whittling down her entire person to a tool, a contract to be paid and nothing more. That alone is pushing her away and he has no one to blame but himself. It should make him happy, that he's set fire to this bridge. That'll just make it easier for them both when she inevitably leaves. ]
I can't be that for you.
[ The words are ash in his mouth, but it's the closest approximation of the truth. Damn the script on their wrists; it means nothing. It's a mistake. She wants someone who's willing to bare part of themselves, someone who can easily say she's a person they care about.
It's dark but his expression shutters as much as hers. ]
I'll send Nina down. [ He leaves her alone, feeling hollowed out. ]
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Date: 2021-01-29 11:58 pm (UTC)she does allow jesper to hug her, though, once she's seated back on the bed, though she doesn't return it. it feels good, but it sparks an odd weight in her throat that she hasn't felt in some time.
it isn't until jesper leaves nina to check her wound that inej realizes she wants to cry.
she manages to keep it together, though comes perilously close when nina demands of her how kaz could just leave her on the floor and not help him up herself. part of her almost makes an excuse for him, but inej chooses to remain quiet instead, as nina checks her wound and carefully mends what has tore a bit free, rebandaging the wound and ordering her back to bed. she's tucked back in, with nina gently brushing back her hair. the motion is soothing enough that she's lulled to sleep.
hours later, inej wakes up to nina asleep in a makeshift cot in the corner, with no sign of kaz. she feels hazy, still, but slightly better, after the food and water nina forced her to take in. so she pushes herself up onto her feet, silently padding out of the room in her bare feet to make her way to the deck.
the spray of the sea feels . . . invigorating, and she takes a moment to draw in a deep breath. she should go back and find her shoes, but the effort feels like too much. so instead she carefully makes her way across the deck, until she sees a familiar silhouette by a stack of rope.
part of her wants to turn around and ignore him. but the other part of her decides to move forward, to silently sit herself on top of a pile of rope, looping her arms around her middle. she doesn't bother announcing her presence; kaz always knows when she's around.
instead: ]
You still need to apologize.
[ as she turns her gaze to the water, murky in the darkness. ]
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Date: 2021-01-30 12:32 am (UTC)And really, it's not like he hasn't been working on the plan. He's been disseminating information to the group, divvying out who was going where at what times. It's just—when he isn't and he's left to his own devices, his mind is in complete disarray. It loops around and around to Inej's words, to the choking fear, to the sheer idiocy for leaving her to sit on the floor.
He's staring out at the ocean, the water dark and relatively calm. On some level, it makes him want to scream. Why should it be so placid when he feels the way he does? Like she'd driven one of her daggers straight into the softest parts and now they threatened to bleed all over.
Get a grip. He can't fall apart, not with everything that's at stake. This job will set them all free in some manner. Jesper from his debts, Inej from her contract, Nina and Matthias from the mistake that had put him in Hellgate. And for him, it put him several steps closer to ending Pekka Rollins for good. To burying him, like he hadn't been able to for Jordie.
Hands clenched on the ship ledge, he bows his head, staring at the way the lamp light flickers across the leather. There's an itch, then, between his shoulder blades. The one that tells him Inej is nearby, bringing her silence with her. ]
"I can help you." [ The first words she'd ever said, imprinted on his skin. He's tried denying it, thinking it could be the dozens of people who have said the same. Somehow, he knew that wasn't the case and she'd confirmed it. ]
You've never been just an investment.
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Date: 2021-01-30 12:41 am (UTC)but only just, as her eyes flicker toward him, the corner of her mouth tugs downward into a frown. ]
I can help you.
[ she repeats, though the tone is different - an offer, maybe? it's quiet, almost gentle -- until she adds: ]
An apology usually has the word 'sorry' in it.
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Date: 2021-01-30 12:50 am (UTC)Because there isn't. It's that simple. ]
I didn't— [ Didn't what? Mean to make her feel like she was something to be used? The intent hardly matters. ]
Sorry.
[ It comes out low, head still tipped down, as though he's testing the words first. Then he straightens, turning his gaze to hers. ] I'm sorry.
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Date: 2021-01-30 12:59 am (UTC)but kaz brekker had just apologized to her, so inej imagines that makes her the scariest thing in the barrel. probably, anyway. ]
If you ever call me something like that again, you will join Oomen at the bottom of the sea.
[ it's said crisply, jawline set - she doesn't say whether she accepts the apology or not, because it really does not matter. he had apologized; whether she accepts it depends on him, not her.
but once she says that, she leans her back against the pile of ropes she's half-perched on, tone shifting from firm to one of mild exasperation. ]
You did not need to remove his eye.
[ she would not disclose her source.
it was jesper. ]no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 01:07 am (UTC)He's not sure it would be a bad way to go.
So he doesn't object, just lets the words sink in. Though he does have an argument for what he'd done to Oomen. Something he knew would make it to her eventually. ]
He stabbed you and gloated about it. [ There was no way he could've let that go. ]
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Date: 2021-01-30 01:20 am (UTC)she does, notably, let it go.
instead, she exhales slowly. ]
You are wrong, about not being able to give me "that."
[ she says after a moment of thought, fingers gently rubbing her bandages. the cold feels so good on her skin. the chill of feeling alive, versus the chill of death. ]
And you are also assuming what "that" means to me.
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Date: 2021-01-30 01:29 am (UTC)How much more could she stand? A person's patience only ran so far and he'd clearly reached the end of hers in that room belowdecks. ]
What did you think I meant? [ Because as far as he's concerned, it was everything. Even if she didn't expect anything past holding hands, he doesn't think he can even do that. ]
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Date: 2021-01-30 01:38 am (UTC)[ she responds blithely, ignoring his (useless) question, because if he thought for roughly ten seconds, he would realize that inej cringes at being hugged, too. because she isn't stupid, and she knows he avoids touch. why, inej has no idea. she doubts she ever will know, at the rate they are going.
so, instead of forcing whatever ugly thought had wormed its way into his head out, inej focuses on herself, turning her gaze back to the ocean with a slight frown. she isn't angry, anymore. just tired. ]
And I thought I already had that, which is why I was so angry.
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Date: 2021-01-30 02:08 am (UTC)He isn't sure why he'd worked himself up so much. Maybe it was the fear of expectation, the things he knows he's seen others do. And while he knows, intrinsically, that Inej had similar issues with touch, he also knows she's been working through it in tiny increments. She doesn't flinch nearly as much as she used to, when Jes slings an arm around her shoulders. And he's always stood on the periphery, simultaneously envious and knowing he couldn't do the same.
Sometimes, it still eats at him, when he least expects.
But what she expects is...different, sort of. A continuation of the way they'd been going, before he'd fucked up. Because he can't think of anyone else he'd rather spend so much time with. Whether it was talking over a job or sitting in comfortable silence while he did numbers and she fed the crows. ]
Alright. [ For the first time in a few days, some of the tension he'd been holding onto uncoils, releasing its grip on his lungs. He lifts one hand, flexing his wrist to look at the dark lines neatly printed on his skin. Was there something to this? Most of him still thinks it must be some kind of mistake. Why would the world pair him with anyone? ]
Since day one, yeah? [ That she's known. The phrase had been so unique, there couldn't have been any doubt. ]
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